After I wrote my previous post, I woke up today realizing some changes I already feel within my perception that are a bit different than what I wrote about last night and in general on this blog since I began writing after like a 9 year hiatus.
I have talked at length about 'exiting the system' - but in my dream, I asked myself : If I left society, would I still have access to innovative products/technology/fun things or would I be forced to romanticize simplicity?
BASICALLY, WOULD I STILL BE ABLE TO ORDER UNNECESSARY POOPING DOG KEYCHAINS ON AMAZON PRIME ? (I have never ordered anything like this but you get the point, haha)
I personally have always been a hybrid of loving total nature and also liking comfort/beauty/luxury/excess, which is a unique combination in my opinion because it is like I want the life of a minimalist but I also secretly love ornate Chanel bags and gothic mall shops like Hot Topic and mall food courts with disgustingly sweet bourbon chicken (not that bourbon chicken is equal to LUXURY, but you know what I mean.)
For me, I have decided that I want to be "in this world but not of this world" - In other words, I WANT IT ALL. (cue song by Mack10/WarrenG)
I want to be able to weave in and out of society but not feel overwhelmed by it's negative messaging or indoctrination or attempt at coercing humanity into spiritual,physical, emotional, or financial slavery, which it cannot do to me now that I am aware of the spiritual law of Free Will, which everyone is endowed with - which means we all technically can do anything, and equally avoid anything. You do NOT have to do anything against your will unless you choose to submit.
For example, if someone wanted to die instead of being a slave, they could do that. It is horrible to imagine having to make that choice, but it is still a level of freedom that most people forget because they equate death with being the 'end'. I know it is a weird thing to discuss but it is just fascinating that nobody can force us to do anything, unless we accept that it is 'true'
Nobody can truly "force" you to do anything, as uncomfortable as that is to think about. (Unless you had an implant in your head, which could be controlled by A.I., but that is a timeline I refuse to be on!)
It is great to remember this - that nothing is forced. You do not have to be a victim to anything unless you accept that reality.
This goes or tolerating disrespect from humans or via degrading inhumane laws.
The point I (initially) intended to make is that I am declaring that I do not want to live in a tiny house in the woods 365 days a year and have no money to go elsewhere.
I want to also have a modern house with central heating and nice materials and be able to go to restaurants and enjoy material things (sustainably made, as much as possible of course).
I don't want to despise money or materialism.
I want to have so much money that I can be choosy about what I buy.
I cannot be a hypocrite nor do I wish to - I have tried to be candid that it is because of having money that I have been able to be choosy about what I do :
Attending a 2 year graduate program in Spiritual Psychology ("what DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, CARLEN?" and going to "wacky" doctors (my own words, haha) instead of relying on those given to me by my insurance (which is what I did when I had no money) was all made possible BECAUSE I have been able to make my own financial choices based on want, instead of poverty.
Attending graduate school in Spiritual Psychology is not a "logical" "financially intelligent" decision to make - but in hindsight, it absolutely was because it helped me heal the blocks I had and I hope to soon help others with the priceless learnings I had!
It is because of money that my life has been better than ever; and I love money and I think that it is healthy for people to love money because money is energy.
It is only when you begin to love money above all else that it is a problem, in my opinion.
Although I technically still live in Los Feliz, I have been staying on and off with my friend in Beverly Hills - which is an area known throughout the world as "Material Success" (definitely not a cabin in the woods of Texas, which I envisioned before trying plant medicine for the first time in November!!!!)
I think it is SO laughably ironic that in November I literally was on the verge of getting in my car and driving to Texas to escape civil unrest (what my doctor told me would happen) and now I am living in the TOTAL OPPOSITE ENVIRONMENT!
The more laughable irony is (ps I am not actually laughing of course... who laughs when they read? I do sometimes, but not right now so no pressure to actually laugh hahaha) HAD I actually gone to Texas for a sense of "safety" (before trying plant medicine, which taught me so much of WHY I felt unsafe in the first place - see my previous posts for that explanation) , .... look at the horrible weather they had, with pipes turned off and supermarkets closed due to the storm.
The idea of me running to a feeling of safety to "free warm Texas" only to be confronted with a terrible storm and food shortage would have been a strange lesson for me to relinquish control; and I am so grateful I did not endure that and could learn to relinquish the illusion of control from the comfort of sunny Los Angeles (haha).
Since December I am grateful that I have been living in one of the largest most comfortable houses I have ever been in; in the center of "The Matrix" (Beverly Hills) and I am so beyond thankful to my friend for allowing me to demystify my stubborn resentment of "society" which I had been villanizing the last 4 years.
It is so funny to me that I am in Beverly Hills, essentially living in the heart of Babylon - where everyone has Bentleys and Rolls Royces (and I saw Fabio driving a Rolls Royce convertible on our daily walk!) - It is so funny to me that i was on the verge of living in a small cabin in Texas and now I am here - and I CANNOT DENY THAT I LOVE IT
Of course I love it though - who wouldn't love to be with a close friend in a comfortable heated house with maid service, surrounded by trees with views of the ocean in the distance?
I know God sent me this experience to save me from going too one-sided in a direction of self-chosen poverty and minimalism in a small Texan town.
God wanted to show me that "society" itself isn't bad - and having money isn't bad.
I grew up with a mindset that "there was never enough for me" because that was the implanted mindset my parents were taught about themselves - to always spend frugally and never buy what they TRULY wanted.
My dad would not let me replace the air conditioner in his house even though it was over 100 degrees and I was in total discomfort while staying with him. It was only after I told him that "he would get more money when he sold the house" that he agreed to install an air conditioner ; this was just one example of where he trivialized his own comfort and prided himself on being needless.
Throughout my life, I have felt ashamed when I bought things that I truly wanted (expensive vitamins or clothing I loved) - as if my parents would suffer.
It didn't help that I was absolutely too tired and anxious to hold a consistent job for my 20s and 30s that would have allowed me to have everything I wanted financially.
Instead, I took on the belief that I had to be as frugal as possible - yet also "trick" people into thinking I had money.
This is also validated in my astrological chart since I have Capricorn Rising which is basically "having the appearance of being put together - and caring more about that instead of actually having things put together"
(You can learn more about your Rising sign with a fun phone app called Horos, if you are interested!)
I have compassion for myself as to why I only could afford to focus on "appearances" instead of actually having wealth - I truly did not have the physical energy to work more than 3 days a week at any job (literally, I never worked more than 3 days a week, which is amazing to me when I think about it that I even survived living in Brooklyn for my 20s)
I felt ashamed by this "lazyness" but the irony is that with all my free time due to my tiredness, I did end up meeting lots of rich kids in New York who also didn't work. The difference with them is that they didn't work "by choice" and their parents/family supported them and shared their credit cards with, so going to lunch was never a big deal for them and they didn't have to just order a "side of mushrooms and side of avoado" like I usually would, instead of a real meal - which I was in awe about, as it felt like the total opposite feeling as I had with my parents. I longed to be able to go to lunch with someone and get a full meal that actually filled me up instead of focusing on the price each time.
I never ate a full meal until after my dad died! I am not even exaggerating! I would intentionally always bring home leftovers in case I ran out of money. I had such a poverty mindset until I read THE MAGIC BY RHONDA BYRNE in 2016, which I keep mentioning over and over, as it truly did change my life.
My sense of poverty is one of the reasons I would say to no to dinner invitations. I never felt like I had enough money to enjoy myself because I would be so focused on the bill!
ANYWAY the point of this all is that I am reminded today that my life has become so much more enjoyable BECAUSE of having money and I do not wish to further glamorize living a meek life in the woods, burning local trees for my heating and sewing up a cut instead of going to the hospital.
There is a balance - and that is what I am learning, especially with the help of this chapter of my life, living in the 'heart of Babylon'
This experience has reminded me that I enjoy comfort and I do not want to live a life of suffering out of a righteous sense of morality that I have to "leave society"
The best of both worlds is to have so much money that you can CHOOSE to do what you want; at all times.
You can choose to pay for private "wacky woo woo" doctors and choose to take a private plane and use your money to have influence.
It reminds me of the fact that 2 years ago, I went to a fancy party for my friend's candle company (literally the only party I attended in 2019 - I brought George with me) because my friend hired me to play a "hotel bell hop" for her candle company party so I would greet everyone at the door (and use a horrible elderly British man accent, which was so funny for me)
One of the people at the party was some guy and I began telling him all about the health effects of 5G (THIS IS WHAT I TALK ABOUT AT PARTIES!)
and he told me that I should tell his roommate because he was Elon Musk's assistant.
I was so excited at the idea that when I got home, I had a big plan to make a video using comedy to show the "lowlights" of 5G radiation on humanity and why using 5G in satellites was a bad idea and needed much more long term testing before disrupting the natural rhythms of our planet.
This was a perfect example where my "wealth" / social connections actually gave me more of an opportunity to change things in the external world - instead of classic activism of protesting against SpaceX (Elon Musk's company), which is what millions of people plan to do around the world on March 20th, by the way.
It is the basic question of - working within the system or against it.
For me, I think the goal is to do both!
I am ashamed to say that at the time, I felt too insecure to really craft a video for Elon Musk to watch - since I wanted it to be "perfect" and I did not want to come across as "stupid" or "crazy" but that was last year and I have truly healed those misbeliefs by now, and I feel a lot more confident now.
PS IF YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG, THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME ON MY JOURNEY! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING IT AND ENJOYING YOUR OWN LIFE AND KNOWING THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ROAD TO TAKE SINCE YOU ALWAYS END UP WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GO EVENTUALLY, WHICH IS WHAT I AM FINALLY LEARNING!!!!
ANYWAY, I will meditate on whether it is worth reaching out to this guy again now that I have more confidence, articulation and information on 5G, but either way, I am grateful to wake up with the awareness that I do not intend to leave society completely - I want to be IN and OUT of it.
Another thing, which is the greatest awareness I have ever had SO FAR, was thanks to a message from my deceased grandparents (my dad's parents Grandma Rose and William Altman) who contacted me psychically during my plant medicine journey on Sunday and they told me that they are so sorry at how anxious I had become and admitted it was THEIR ANXIETY I HAD INHERITED , AND THEY REMOVED MY ANXIETY EPI-GENETIC IMPLANT (their words, not mine) and they want me to enjoy my life.
My dad showed up too (only audibly, not visually) and he and my grandparents apologized to me for making me such an anxious person - they realized (now that they are all dead) that I took on all of their anxieties and now that they are no longer in the physical realm, they see that anxiety was a waste of time and that control was an illusion and waste of time.
They want me to learn this before it is too late for me; they want me to stop worrying now because they see it is a waste, and they only worried because they were taught to worry - that the worry itself was completely unnecessary and will do nothing for me any longer.
WHAT A RELIEF! THANK YOU GRANDMA ROSE AND GRANDPA WILLY AND DADDY (BOB ALTMAN) - THANK YOU FOR APOLOGIZING TO ME AND FOR TELLING ME YOU LOVED ME AND FOR ALLOWING ME TO FORGIVE YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE GOD!
(Yes, I know this sounds "unscientific" to someone reading this perhaps - but trust me, it happened in my reality and I know deep in my soul this was all REAL communication and I am so thankful for it and it is OK if nobody else believes me because I know what I learned was real and that is what matters! If you are still reading this blog since I began writing, you know I have been humbled by all I have "unlearned" but now I am so grateful to embrace my psychic connections, aided by plants)
I realize via plant medicine that I have had the belief that nobody likes me and I have to "prove" that I am worthy of love. This is how I developed a codependent behavior where I had to replace my own interests with those of the people around me.
This blog is one of the ways I am declaring that my reality/opinions are true for me and I am allowed that right to enjoy my life and express myself authentically, instead of hiding my true existence in the hopes that people will like the (fake) version of me.
I love myself and I have made the volume of my self-perception louder than the volume of anyone who might critique me or any of my decisions or opinions. Just because someone disagrees with me doesn't mean I need to squelch my excitement over something. Everyone is in their own reality and everyone has a unique way of seeing the world, which is perfect for their exact physical and spiritual journey. I don't have to dim my light if someone doesn't like me or looks down on me because I know that I love myself and God loves me regardless if other people don't like me (and that other people DO like me, and I need to go through life as if people like me for who I am, instead of trying to convince people that I am loveable or worthy of respect)
I had an epiphany that by me stifling my opinions or authentic expression, I am doing a disservice to myself/God and the people who are supposed to hear my opinion, even if it is different from their own. I now view criticism through a different light; I believe now that everything that happens to me is for my LEARNING instead of as a punishment.
For example, I was raised Atheist and I did not believe that God existed. If I were to read a blog written by someone who referenced God, I would have thought they were crazy and if I was really brave/insensitive, I would have said "HOW CAN YOU PROVE THERE IS A GOD?"
What I have come to the conclusion is that people only try to prove you wrong when they feel on some underlying level that their existence/Ego (perception of reality as "right") is threatened.
This is why I now know that anyone who questions me is either sincerely curious and/or if they shame me, it is because they are trying to make their reality louder than mine to keep a feeling of security, and it has nothing to do with the corrrectness of my perceptions.
This was a really freeing awareness because now I do not need to stifle myself or my beliefs because I trust that anyone who disagrees with me will either help me to see a new perspective and/or it will force me to learn more/dig into my own beliefs and see WHY I feel a certain way I do.
I also know now that I am not my beliefs; that is such a simpistic way of seeing the world. I am an amorphous ball of energy not defined by any one belief or political ideology or way of dressing and I am not responsible for clinging to any belief and it is not my duty (DOODY) to convince anyone of anything any longer, just like nobody needs to convince me of anything any longer, since we are not responsible for saving each other; only living by example to show our way of living has helped us - being a posterchild for our perceptions/ways of life.
I don't even identify as an "HSP" or an Empath or "Capricorn Rising" or "Limited Energy Projector" as my "identity" which is constant - because that is too limiting.
I IDENTIFY AS AMORPHOUS AND I DON'T OWN ANYTHING WHICH WOULD LIMIT ME FROM CHANGING AT ANY POINT, AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO THE SAME!
BACK TO MY COMMUNICATION WITH MY LOVEABLE DECEASED GRANDPARENTS:
My grandparents told me that they watched me from above trying to sell my dad's house - (my dad lived in my grandparents house - which I sold in 2018) and they watched me attempting to sell all of their antiques --- my grandparents told me that it was humbling for them to see that NOBODY WANTED TO BUY THEIR ANTIQUES. It humbled them because they spent their lives collecting and protecting these antiques and it was only after death that they realized they focused on the wrong things.
They told me that they saw me walking in the woods and dancing around the retirement home dining hall (which was a huge empty banquet hall where I would go and dance in the dark with my headphones on) and that they were impressed that I had more fun in the retirement community than they ever did while alive.
They told me that they have removed the implant of anxiety and it is time for me to start making enjoying my life a priority instead of saving the external planet.
They also told me that I should go to Switzerland and Austria and Germany and Sweden with their money to meet people and eventually a husband I will marry.
They told me that I am part of a genetic line that is from that area and I am supposed to have children with people from that part of the world (which was confirmed by other ancestors who came forward in the plant ceremony) but they all agreed that I was supposed to come to America and learn how to have feelings so I can bring emotional expression to my family and that part of the world in genera, as "having feelings" is apparently something very uncomfortable for most people - especially in that cold socially controlled part of the world.
This makes sense that they told me to go to Northern Europe because the only people I am attracted to are European and anyone I have dated longterm is European and not American. I am just not attracted to American men (unless they are very atypically American)
They told me that I should find a man who wants to take care of me financially without asking me to give up my ambitious dreams and goals. They told me that the reason my mom married my dad (who did not support her financially - but lived off his parents for the most part) was because my mom felt she didn't deserve "help" - but that I am supposed to break this cycle and expect that the man I marry will be generous with money and support me financially.
This is very antithetical to the "I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN LOOK AT ME" mindset that society has bludgened into women's heads. I sincerely appreciated the refreshing classic mindset that my grandparents wanted to impart me with during this plant ceremony.
My grandmother Blossom on my mother's side (WHO WAS SO FUNNY, LIKE MY MOM) also had a message for me to tell me and my mom that she had no idea that we lived so frugally/cheaply/ignoring our needs - and that she was so sorry she instilled this mindset of "you can't ask for help" - she said that if my mom had asked her for help, she would have given her money - and that a mother ENJOYS taking care of their children, they don't resent them - and she told me that I do not need to live frugally now that she is dead and my mom has inherited some of her money.
She told me to tell my mom "she was sorry" and that it is OK for my mom to ask for help now.
She told me a lot of other things involving my family and it's dynamic -- and when I told my mom on Monday what had happened during the plant ceremony, she was blown away at the accuracy of the messages!
Another thing I realized is that most of my procrastination has come from a fear of making decisions which is one of the traits of OCD, which I began experiencing at age 9 after spending a week with my father/Grandmother - and then weeks later almost drowning 2x in Costa Rica.
When I was a child, my life was ruled by my Obsessions and I see that I had all the classic traits of it such as "contamination obsession" and "moral obsession" (always worrying that you are 'doing the right thing') and "counting obsession"
As I might have mentioned, Sunday was my 3rd plant medicine ceremony and 3 was one of the numbers I feared most.
I am so thankful to have dislodged this fear and learned that I was using OCD to attempt to control the outcome of things; just like trying to make a "perfect decision" (which is where procrastinating came into play, so I never had to make the "imperfect" decision on things)
I think that my OCD has taken many counterproductive shapes over the years and I am so grateful that I no longer need it.
With all mental health issues, they serve some kind of PURPOSE. It is only when we can remove the underlying purpose (fear of making a 'mistake') that the illness can go away because the root cause/necessity of "making perfect choices to avoid harm" is removed.
When it comes to making decisions, I often have had a hard time (whether it's deciding what brand of toothpaste to get, or deciding where to live!) - but I realize now I was afraid of "making the wrong choice")
A few things that have helped me finally make choices are:
1. Asking my heart the question of what is the right answer and listening
2. Realizing that unlike school's tests, I can "change my answer" if I don't like the outcome and that unlike test grades, "no mistake is on my permanent record"
3. I took a pendulum class this weekend with my internet friend Holly Fisher Higgins and this is a way to listen to your intuition on any decision, even what vitamin to take and what time of day to take it.
As I mentioned, my grandparents told me that my fear was influenced by them - and that I do not need it anymore. I do not need to worry about 'making the wrong choice' or 'needing to be perfect'
4. This is a surprise issue but I noticed that about 6 weeks ago, my OCD came back very strongly for the first time in many years and I went to my "wacky" doctor (who told me there might be a civil war depending on the outcome of the election) and he asked me if I had eaten uncooked fish or unwashed vegetables because I HAD PARASITE EGGS, and they were causing my OCD symptoms to come back.
This is SO fascinating and disgusting and it really reminds me of the fact that when I first developed OCD at age 9, I was in Costa Rica and I can 100% guarantee that I did eat uncooked fish there (ceviche) and unwashed vegetables and it is very possible I got parasites then too.
NO "NORMAL" DOCTOR EVER LINKS PARASITES TO MENTAL ILLNESS.
Luckily, there are resources online such as this now
This is an example of where a mental illness can have a physical cause that can not be addressed through talk therapy (unless your parasite eggs want to lie on the couch and tell a therapist about their lives #PARASITESHAVEFEELINGSTOO)
As I wind down this long blog post (THANK YOU FOR READING), I wanted to share that I meditated this morning and I asked God/ if my grandparents had any messages for me, and they told me IT'S TIME TO ENJOY MY LIFE
(and that enjoying my life / following my joy actually is a form of activism)
They told me to listen to one particular song and the lyrics within it, and I did - and it is beautiful so you can go listen/dance to it below and take this message as if it is for you too, if it feels right.
I know now that my healing is not selfish but it is part of the collective's healing and I am grateful if I can share anything to helpful, since we are All One anyway.
ENJOY.
Lastly, I now realize that nobody really cares what I do or write (here and in general) because everyone is so consumed with their own lives, and that in itself is so freeing.
