The last 3 days I used Instagram and posted in my Stories all about CPTSD and my own experience with feelings of abandonment stemming from childhood which are aggravated when I feel someone may be offended by something I share and/or "unfollow me" for questioning mainstream narratives, out of the goodness of my heart and desire to help people.

(PS Instagram is a total energy sucker so I will not be posting again for awhile; but it was a great exercise in self-expression - you can see what I wrote by going to my "Stories" titled "2021 Update")

I know I have said this before but the term "followers" is so bleak; as if I am some kind of guru or authority. I know I have made this joke before, but I imagine Jesus having Instagram and having "followers" and then posting a blurry photo of a meal. "Come ye my children, follow me to this pixelated photo of my macaroni salad and smoothie chalice - drink it up through your blessed likes and comments." #unfollow

PS all of my heroes including Jesus Christ and Nelson Mandela have been #unfollowed #cancelled by the masses for being different; should they have given into their fears of abandonment or spoke up for their divergent "dangerous" beliefs? I am so glad they were brave!

Thank you to those people of you who have expressed how helpful this blog has been to you. How nice it is to feel like I can be myself and not be seen as a horrible crazy person, which is how I have felt, deep down, my whole life, unless I was attending to everyone else's needs.

How beautiful it can be where you are loved for attending to your own needs.

It is so wild how deep I have gone into my own brain while reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" (the book I mentioned before) - I spent all weekend reading and finishing it; taking notes on every page, and realizing more than ever "why I am the way I am"

My personality is basically a series of coping mechanisms to survive and feel "loved"

My 3 year old brain learned that I would be abandoned or punished if I cried, or had any kind of anger.

I used to worry that if I ever started crying, I would never stop. This actually happened in the first year of my Spiritual Psychology program in 2017, when I began crying during one of the sharing exercises we were doing and I literally cried for 2 hours in the bathroom. I thought it would literally never end, but I realize that this fear occured because growing up, I was never encouraged to cry, and cut it short, and actually never experienced the natural wave of crying and it's natural stop before.

As I mentioned, once I remember yelling at my mom when I was about 3 years old, outside a very busy Manhattan supermarket, and her walking away from me. There I was, 3 years old, in a sea of tall people, all alone. What could I have done to deserve that? Did I say a "yo momma's so fat joke?" that didn't go over well? No matter what, there is no excuse for an adult doing that. From that, and my dad literally telling me to stop crying multiple times, I learned that my "negative" feelings weren't welcomed. I know this is because my parents could not handle my feelings because they were shamed not to have these types of feelings themselves. I also remember that my parents loved me and did the best they could.

This is why acknowledging all this inner turmoil is so hard; because I know my parents really did love me; so it is hard to find fault with them, especially my mother, who raised me by herself from age 3 onward, and worked in jobs she hated her entire life. I feel like she sacrificed so much for me, so I felt terrible at the thought of finding any sort of fault with her - but by dismissing my inner experience as "not worth dealing with" or "not a big deal since I had an overall wonderful 1st world upbringing", I know I will hold onto the trauma which has kept me a mental prisoner against my own success and adventure.

I realize that deep down, my greatest wish is to be seen as "good" . The way I have tried to achieve that is to be nice, helpful, make people laugh, and be selfless.

That last adjective is the one that has hurt me the most but after reading the book I mentioned on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it all makes sense.

This new chapter of my life is an exercise in realizing:

There is no "good" or "bad" when it comes to living life because when you are "good" to others at your own expense, you are still being "bad" to yourself. So who do you want to prioritize more?

I have been hurt by so many people in so many ways so clearly, being "good" has been "bad" for me.

I remember after filming a movie I once made, the person I made it offered to edit the first cut of it; when I went to see it, he had cut out a lot of the jokes I had put into it. I told him that if he didn't put back my jokes, I did not want to be listed as a co-writer, since I did not resonate with the sensibility or tone of the film. After that, he begrudgingly put my jokes back in WHICH WERE THE FUNNIEST PARTS OF THE FILM, IN MY OPINION. But I remember he stopped talking to me from that point forward, and then having to go to film screenings with him was a nightmare. Before filming the movie, he tried to sleep in the same bed as me and when I said no, he became so cold to me for weeks. Yet I still made the movie with him because we had already begun.

I felt "bad" for asking for my needs to be met - yet here was a situation where, if I didn't ask for what I needed, audiences would have to had suffer with the worst mumblecore movie ever.

I manifested horrible working relationships with people who took advantage of me, because deep down, I wanted the approval of insensitive people; as if to show "look, I got this unloveable/unloving person to love me! I won!"

This pattern clearly manifested because of how cold my father was; and how I felt like I could only have his love if I was listening to him and conforming my emotions to his needs.

It is amazing that I always managed to burn bridges with the people who were the most harmful. As I may have mentioned, I was going to make a film called Loners Together, and I managed to meet a celebrity who was on my favorite show of all time, and he offered to star in my movie for free. He was a married, very wealthy man, yet he would call me in the middle of the night to tell me he was miserable and also that he had sexual feelings for me. This put me in such a weird situation because I really wanted him to be in the film but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Luckily, a series of other annoying situations happened with that film that gave me the excuse to give up on it - but a big reason I gave up on it was because I did not feel comfortable explicitly saying "Hey ___, I really do not feel comfortable with you using me as your therapist and expressing your desire to sleep with me" - but somehow, I could not muster the strength to do this because I did not want to hurt his feelings because I knew what a sensitive depressed person he was.

It was so eye-opening to meet a celebrity who was a multi-millionaire and the star of one of my favorite shows of all time - a show I dreamed about being on when I was younger - and to meet him and see how miserable he was inspite of his fame and fortune was so eye opening. How I wished I could have that success so all my fears would go away! Apparently fame and fortune did not solve anything for him! (and all the other rich/succesful people I met who were miserable behind the Instagram filters)

The book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults" calls these kinds of wishes "Healing Fantasies" , which are the dreams you hold onto as children, that make you think you can one day achieve inner peace. They are the conditons you believe will lead to you finally feeling all the love and calmness you dream about. For me, my "Healing Fantasy" was that I would be rich, famous from making people laugh and saving the environment. Only THEN could i feel calm. It was so illusion-shattering to finally meet someone who had achieved my childhood dream of being on this particular TV show, who was famous and rich - who would get recognized on the street when we were together, and he was STILL MISERABLE. AND WANTED ME - AN ANXIOUS MISERABLE PERSON - IN HIS LIFE AS IF I COULD HELP HIM. Like, UGHHH!

This happened another time with a societally succesful millionaire man I knew who ran a television station and once gave me an envelope of $10,000 for no reason and was equally miserable and cried when I taught him how to meditate in his multi-million dollar country house. He too wanted to date me after I met him for professional reasons and it was so hard to navigate. He was an absolutely kind man but he put me in a very irresponsible situation and though I will always be grateful to him for his kindness, I realize now that what he did was completely unprofessional.

I met him when I was initially developing my show "Carlen Saves the World" and though he was the head of the television station I initially was going to work with; he quickly began inviting me to parties (held by other seemingly miserable millionaires) and expressing his feelings for me, which had nothing to do with the show. 

I felt so "bad" at the thought of hurting his feelings; since it was the same feeling I felt of telling my dad to stop yelling, and my dad getting "hurt" - I NEVER wanted to hurt a man the way I felt like I hurt my dad (which, now that I have read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults" makes so much sense!!!) I never wanted to get "abandoned" by a man who could help me - (and for someone who made $12,000 a year at the time in 2016, receiving a random envelope of $10,000 cash was a LOT to give up by expressing my boundaries)

I never slept with either of these men but it was just a series of annoying situations. Something inside of me knew that I could not make that show with this man involved; so I moved on from making the show with his television station and this was around the time when my dad got cancer and then I began focusing on saving my dad instead of the planet.

That was another thing, I always equated being famous with helping the environment (since it seemed like celebrities had more influence in helping the planet than even scientists!) - so I felt like anytime I set up boundaries with people who could potentially make me 'famous', I was potentially doing the Earth a disservice by "not becoming famous/influential"

As I write this, it sounds illogical but I also see how I could have come up with this mode of thinking as a child.

Have you ever heard of the journalist Tiffany Fitzhenry? She has since deleted her website and Twitter but she is an investigative journalist and she talks a lot about the connection between the C1A and Hollywood and how celebrities are used to push certain agendas as if they are "breaking new ground" by making demands.

She argues that many times when celebrities push humanitarian trips, it is secretly so America can pillage for natural resources in the country where we are "offering humanitarian aid"

The more she spoke about this, the more it dawned on me that anyone who is insanely famous and an "outspoken activist" is only allowed to be that way because they are pushing an agenda of the owners of the televisions stations that are broadcasting their message.

It dawned on me after reading her work that celebrities are hand-picked for how maleable they can be and how good they can be at pushing a certain narrative (which always benefits the status quo/old paradigm), not how firey their activism hearts are.

This is why it was so exciting to make the one commercial for MTV where I told people to stop buying things, even though it was completely innocent.

This is how it finally dawned on me that the narrative around climate change and heavy pushing of this well-deserving topic by the mainstream news is actually done NOT to help our planet, but to give corporations more control.

This is a whole other topic but I realized that I had unwittingly been a cog in the corporate machine through my deep-seated passion for stopping climate change; which I now know is not to be handled by shutting down C02 but is to be handled by stopping pollution/overconsumption and releasing free-energy patents into the public sphere. Not to mention, acknowledging the geo-engineering programs which are used heavily all over the world, but never addressed as a possible influence on our weather, and routinely mocked as "chemtrails" even though there is government and private-sector admission of weather modification.

If weather modification is available, why are there still fires and floods? Could it be because there is money to be made in insurance claims/environmental devastation?

We have been lied to in so many ways and I am so glad that I did not end up "being famous" while having to have sex with sad "succesful" men and unwittingly promoting the New World Order.

PS in totally unrelated but related news, I believe the "hero" Mother Theresa was only famous and regarded as a Saint because she was heavily involved in darkness and child trafficking but that's for another time... You can watch this documentary sometime and make your own conclusions 

We as a society have been living in backwards land, being told to celebrate the darkness and #cancelling the Light..

My soul was saved. And I am doing it more and more and as hard as it is sometimes, I FUCKING LOVE IT

I realize more than anything that the individuals (attempting to) harm Earth/attempting to enslave humanity/plants/organic lives through GMOs and A.I agendas are the ones who have terrible trauma and are trying to control every aspect of the outside world to make themselves feel better, and it will never work for them, no matter how much control they try to push.

Weather modification is the equivalent of suppressing tears. And both techniques will never achieve the "healing fantasy" of total inner and outer control . It will never satisfy.

Thank goodness I am learning this on an indiviual level now; this more than anything is how we have true revolution is through our own inner alchemy.

PS I FOUND THIS SO FUNNY (this will probably only be funny if you are born in the '80s/know this American children's show and remember the rapper DMX but maybe you will find it funny anyway)

Lastly, here is this wonderful song - perhaps you can listen to it in nature or close your eyes wherever you are and feel nature internally, in your human nature, which is truly never imperfect, just like nature isn't. Ever. In all the storms that eventually pass, and the same storms which provide the rain which is necessary for things to truly grow, no matter how "inconvenient" they might seem to those trying to push and control....

Nothing to control; 

nothing to shame; 

nothing to mow down; .... just to allow. 

Allow nature. Allow your self. Allow your cells.

Allow your breath. 

To the trees and all the plants and animals, just breathing out your CO2 is your success on this planet and part of your equation for the trees to supply your O2. 

You are doing it! Keep it up! Breathe in and out. Allow. 

Allow your Fart and poop and tears and urine to flow for your poop becomes the soil which grows the plants.

We are doing it just great just by breathing and being our true selves and having sex and pooping! That is all the Earth really needs from us! 

And what is really more fun, when you think about it, anyway?

We made it. Keep going!

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