Most people are in the fear frequency which has been artificially constructed on planet Earth; the truth is that reality is neutral ("the neutral reality") and we are safe, trusting, loved and loving without condition, in the neutral reality.

Everything in my life has become stripped away; my house, George, my friends, Goblin, my dad, the illusion of my internet friend/fan base (99% of them) being supportive, and now my mother. 

I feared my parents dying my whole life and now it is like it is happening in a weirder way.

Everything is gone and I am forced to start from scratch but the best thing is that I am starting with the only component I never had before - my full self.

I realize I did what I had to do to survive.

I had to be codependent on others to get things done. I did not have the financial resources or physical strength to do things on my own. It makes sense I attracted emotionally unavailable codependent dynamics with people who wanted something from me, because we were like puzzle pieces filling each others holes (or so we chose to believe)

I was so tired all the time and I never knew why. Now I know it was childhood vaccines, toxic food, terrorizing teachers, Manhattan's frequency and fast pace, my parents and family yelling and abandoning me over and over again when I needed their love and protection most. 

It is so creepy to realize I am the product of abandonment and trauma - and it is weird to know that despite what my mother tried to convince me of, I am actually NOT over-reacting to the level of abuse I experienced from her in the form of conditional love and neglect.

I asked my mother if she would see my therapist with me, after she said very hurtful things to me and then tried to guilt-trip me for 'overreacting' and she said "maybe we can move on from this" to suggest that there is a possibility that we may never speak again.

This absolutely validates the conditional love I felt my WHOLE LIFE from her; her emotionless face; her silent treatments, her walking away from me on the street as a child, her hitting me with the remote when I wanted to watch television at age 3, her not attuning to the fact that most food made me sick, or that I was anxious all the time, or that Corliss never helped me, or that I was treated so condenscendingly by Sydney and David and Jim Papas, and she never took my side. She went on to date someone who flirted with me and said sexually explicit things, and does not seem to take any responsibility for the fact that this is a very negligent behavior. She never took my side in anything or supported me in the ways I needed her and I am finally allowing myself to see it.

It is all thanks to having loving witnesses for the first time in the form of my therapist, George, my friend Cam and Stephen in Austin. All of them could see how unparent-like she is, and how damaged she is. All of them recognize that her behavior is not normal (or actually, it IS normal, considering 85-95% of families are considered dysfunctional)

I have let the 3 year old version of me which was frozen in trauma take the wheel of my brain and heart. It all makes sense for the first time why I was unable to memorize things in school and focus. I am finally stepping out of the fear veil that most of humanity is under.

I am stepping out of the conditional love frequency that most of humanity is under.

I am stepping out of the programming that women have to be weak people-pleasers and let men think they have a chance with them so as to avoid hatred/death/abandonment!

I understand why I took on all these misbeliefs.

I believe most of my blog readers are males who have somehow found me from my film/comedic pursuits, and somehow think they have a chance with me.

I will never date any of you. Ever. EVER. So if you are reading this blog somehow hoping we will meet, I say this with all the love in the world that it is time you surrender to the truth of reality. We are likely never going to meet, and even if we do, my heart belongs to God and to no man.

This does not mean you are unloveable. It means nothing about you.

This is a reality check for all of you.

I am not here to play nice or to play a lust object or to play weak and in need of saving. I am not here to hide my sexuality for fear of losing fans or to play up my sexuality in an inauthentic lustful way out of fear of losing fans.

It means I don't want to play into your fantasy. For almost all of you (according to my site metrics) I am not even in the same state or country as you. You are trying to protect your heart by living in a fantasy of meeting me. I understand this because I did the same thing. I pulled myself out of the present and into a fantasy as a way to protect my heart.

This does not mean I do not love all of you. I love everyone for everyone is a version of me - we are all expressions of God. I love every person, whether they are under the illusion of the fear frequency or not; whether their love for me is conditional or not.

It is like the scene in Adaptation where Nicolas Cage's character says "I loved my childhood crush and I didn't care  if she didn't love me back. It was my love to give to her and she couldn't stop me from giving it."

I am living my heart loving everyone, including my mom, including my dad, including my uncle, including my grandparents, including my cousin, including my aunt, including my half sister, including all the terrible abusive people my mom brought around me. I am loving all of them as I know that they are all acting in accordance with the illusion they are under.

They are all under programming to punish themselves and others, even children.

I have never lost my innocence, and in that innocence is the desire to love and to be loved.

I am in such shock at how conditional the love is from my mom, that at the thought of inviting her to therapy, she is saying "Maybe we can get past this!"

How insane is that? It shows just how much of an illusion she is under.

I just can't believe how much she spacegoated my dad as the cause for my mental illness my whole life.

I feel so alienated from my mother, and it's as if she always knew I would find it out. She wanted to stop me from finding it out.

Last night I stared at myself in the mirror and finally saw myself for the first time.

I noticed my eyes are not like most human beings. They are almost feline or slanted in a way that is different from anyone I know. I have come to the conclusion that I am either Pleiadian or Sirian.

I am removing the negative programming from humanity's matrix control panel and I hope you are too!

If none of this makes sense that is okay. I love you and I love myself! I do not need to withhold my love from anyone even if they cannot love me back and this is the same for you.