I feel deep down that there is some unconscious memory that I am repressing or a series of memories that have prevented me from stepping out fully as my total authentic self, speaking up for truth and healing.

I have felt an overwhelming force making me look inwardly the last 4 years and although I have healed so much, I feel like there is a new layer that needs to go as I have higher expectations and ambitions for myself now that I have healed my physical health from a nutrient/detoxification level.

I realize how deathly afraid I am of other people - especially when anyone seems disappointed in me, and especially when those people are men who raise their voices.

I honestly wonder if I am feeling the sexual abuse that my mother and possibly grandmother experienced OR if I am feeling some suppressed memory - or the actual conscious memories I am aware of, of my dad and Uncle and both grandfathers, and dad's mother yelling at me and my parents with no expectation - like sudden bombs that went off and made me clench my body and flinch.

I don't know if there is something I am not seeing which is why I had a phonecall with a legally assisted MDMA practitioner to see if I should do that kind of healing; she explained that the MDA turns off the "trauma lense" which stops you from seeing the truth.

This sounds compelling to me but I do not want to try anything synthetic - so I am leaning towards either Kanna or Sasafrass, which a friend of mine had an incredible traumatic memory surface, but has since done so much to heal from, and lost 30 lbs and much more weight in terms of subconscious sexual shame since this realization.

I KNOW the Truth will at first "piss you off, and then set you free"

And though I know this logically, I am also so afraid of looking more deeply.

Yesterday I worked with the cannabis plant and I was shown that my greatest fear is being seen as "selfish" - or caring about myself before others.

It told me that this "selfishness" is what has stopped me from going into romantic or business relation with others without becoming a tired people-pleaser; my inner child has protected me from going into any large scale projects as she did not want to have to become selfless when it was clear we still had/have so much work and healing to do together.

I want to know the full truth so I can be free.

I am getting freer every day but my greatest fear is being hated for speaking the truth; which I know is inevitable when you put yourself in a position of power.

I trust I am being put through this underworld initiation for a reason but MAN CAN'T I JUST GO TO TACO BELL AND WEAR GLITTER EYEMAKEUP AND FORGET EVERYTHING SOMETIMES WITHOUT REMEMBERING THE TOXICITY OF GMO CORN AND  SYNTHETIC LUMINESCENT EYE MAKEUP???

I LOVE IT AND I LOVE THAT GOD IS WITH ME AND MY SOUL IS SO LOUD I HEAR IT ALL

My soul says there was a time when it felt like I would die if someone did not like who I was;

whether this was my parents neglecting me OR me dying in a different lifetime, I do not know yet.

I must remember that if someone thinks I am selfish or 'wrong', I can back up my claim and share where my beliefs come from.

There is no mythical cancellation monster.

"I hate to disappoint anyone but ____ (my truth) as I must disappoint others before I disappoint myself now that I am the one providing for my needs, not any of you."

Is this fear of ____ or dread USEFUL to me?

I did not ever feel protected by my parents - and I never had the strength to protect myself - so of course I would feel intimidated risking being disliked now.

I am remembering my own strength now. 

"This is what I want. This is what I need it for"

To tell people to worry that they may be asymptomatic carriers of any illness makes someone mistrust their bodies and fear their bodies; as if they cannot rely on their body.

This is what institutions of fear have always done; made us hate ourselves and mistrust ourselves.

Did you know fat is stored when it is protecting a body from toxins? Fat stays on the body when the body knows if the fat leaves, the toxins will leach into the organs? But nobody tells us this; they tell us to shame fat.

***

Is it all of your social media followers' responsibility to boost up your sense of worth?

Is it their responsibility to make you feel smart by agreeing with you?

IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT MYSELF AND BE RELIABLE AND KNOW I AM NOT SELFISH BY CARING FOR MYSELF AND THAT SELFISHNESS IS NOT A BAD THING ALWAYS.

"RIGHT NOW I AM FINE" - Lola Pickett's mantra while flying

PTSD is never rational; it is stored body trauma.

RISK IMPERFECTION EXPRESSION

NO HOLDING IN EMOTIONAL FARTS WHICH MIGHT SMELL TO SOME PEOPLE