Mon 9/21/20 8:53am
Fear is an attempt at control and preparation. It is a physical sensation based on a mental perception that is your way of pre-emptively avoiding pain or discomfort yet the pain from the fear is in itself sometimes worse than the pain you are trying to avoid; and sometimes the pain you are trying to avoid never materializes into realtiy so all you are left with is fear, like a tepid kiddie pool filled with dirty water and dried leaves/the scent of decay and mosquito eggs.
Fear is an attempt at control ; we perceive control as 'safety' but where did we learn this belief? What if surrender and dancing with life - no matter how strange of a dancer it is - is actually safer than controlling and staying on the sidelines?
I AM LETTING GO.
***
If you want to be recognized for something - some talent or skill or attribute, you must first recognize and celebrate that skill in yourself. I remember when I moved here and applied to Saturday Night Live, my manager at the time did not seem to really 'get' my sense of humor in my application and when I never heard back - even though I literally have not watched that show since the early 1990s (literally) - I still felt sad and my Ego told me "maybe I am not as funny as I thought" yet at the same time, this was actually ILLOGICAL since I personally do not even find SNL funny so why did I want the 'approval' to be accepted by something I did not even want?
This is similar/related to people-pleasing; we usually do it indiscriminately, even with people we don't even like. This goes back to the idea of validation because once we give ourself total validation that we are a worthwhile, loveable, talented, funny, gifted person, we do not need the approval of others as much (or at all, really) -- Approval from others should never have to be a pre-requisite for following your dreams since they are YOUR dreams, and others cannot see the vision you have.
I see how talented and special and strong and deserving and hysterical and beautiful I am and that it is safe for me to be an Alpha, not a cowering insecure sick person to be loved.
I do not need to dim my light and neither do you! Yes, you!!!!
9:19AM
9:24AM
And how crazy because my teacher is now posting the same thing! AHHHH
There is a beautiful collective transmutation over fear and control and letting go. Do you feel it too?
9:34AM
I realize I was trying to control finding the 'perfect' place to move for over 2 years ; using Astrocartography and other means as a way to avoid 'losing control' / facing the unknown.
I know I did this because up until recently, I have not been able to tolerate stress/overwhelm and would do ANYTHING to control this.
Now that I have tools to handle the unknown, I am able to experience it.
Expanding my nervous system/ability to handle stress has been a gradual process and involves
-detoxification of metals
-increasing seratonin through red meat/vitamins
-breathwork
-subconscious reprogramming / EMDR / havening (similar to EMDR)
-cannabis
-gradually trusting myself and remembering I am safe wherever I am / feeling my feet on the ground in the present moment
- and much more!
10:25AM
I just listened to the incredible podcast by my internet friend Holly Higgins and I highly recommend it SO MUCH!
She has been one of the people who has inspired me to potentially move to Tennessee ! This is TOTAL LACK OF CONTROL because I have never been there before and it is completely across the country!!!!! We shall see!!!!
Something I just realized in the last 2 days was that I have been hiding how strong I am as a survival mechanism. I began being bullied in Kindergarten and then I pretended to be weak as a way to not be a threat; at summercamp I dressed down/hid my body so other girls were not intimdated by me/saw me as a threat ; and I have been doing this in many areas of my life so as not to be bullied/not to be unsafe. I have attracted female relationships where I play small so I don't feel like a threat. But this was all toxic conditioning which I am breaking now finally at age 36! It is crazy how long it has taken! I realize that people who bully others/harm others are sick and in a poverty mindset and I don't have to agree to that perception of life anymore! I am opting out of that game!
Tu 10:39am
I woke up with so much neckpain; I have to go to the chiropractor. I also know this is my final lesson not to sit so much indoors at my computer even though that is now the 'new normal' (though let's be honest I have been a hermit in front of the internet for 15 years)
What came to me today is the idea of looking at the Innernet VS the Internet (cheesy?)
I want to ask my own inner compas the answers to the questions I have - I have spent years looking to see what other people are doing as the "right" answer but this pandemic amplifies that nobody really knows what they are doing/are people who will lead me to safety.
It is only my faith and my intuition that will lead me to safety (knowing I am safe in this moment)
In the shower this morning I had the realization that I accept worrying 24/7 as normal and in my mind I unknotted this belief somehow and realized I can detour off that highway and that worry is actually a choice. That is easier said than done - and had I not addressed the underlying nutritional deficiencies/trauma causing my constant worrying, I would not be able to even consider worry as a "choice"
It is helpful to ask worry "why are you here?" and see what it says. Everything about us is here to help us,even if it feels counterproductive. Even a tumor is the body's attempt at storing toxins/abnormal cells in one location so they don't spread. We cannot villanize the tumor but try to figure out why it's there (and this is especially why doctors should not take a culture from the tumor and cause it to leak all around the body, which is a common practice sadly!)
When my dad was at the hospital for chemotherapy, the nurses woke him up every morning 3x a night; and I learned that this was commonplace for all residents. Can you imagine how horrible this is for elderly people to be woken up? It feels completely unnecessary - but I am sure they could argue this is to 'check vitals' - but it seems poorly executed/overstimulating for fragile humans.
Are humans/humanity ready to live without worry and in peace? Could we handle it?
I must start internally to be ready for this new shift if I am to expect it from other humans!
