I am deciding whether to have a socially distant birthday party for my birthday this upcoming Saturday October 17th! I have not had a birthday party in 4 YEARS. It is as if I almost denied time the past few years; but more than that, I just did not want to be social with people as I was re-forming my identity and could not show up as solely the jokey entertaining people-pleaser I had (assumed) my friends were used to me being. This was my own insecurity ... but more than that, the truth was that I felt alienated from anyone who was not thinking about bigger picture questions beyond their career ambitions, culture and politics. 

I only wanted to be around people asking WHY ARE WE HERE? and most of my friends who I amassed, though lovely kind people, were not big picture open-minded (MAGICAL) thinkers and after all I experienced with my own 'awakening' + weaning off antidepressants, I could not pretend to be normal anymore and "catch up with people" ... I did not have the energy to answer the question "What have you been up to, Carlen?" and accidentally casually admit to one of my well-meaning and ambitious normal social justice warrior B list influencer celebrity friends that I was busy the past year accidentally having sex with a ghost in a hotel room in 2017; questioning reality; or any of the other insane things which have happened to me in the last 3 years :-D (you can read about that many posts back)

....therefore, the thought of being surrounded by people felt extra-exhausting; even more than usual.

I will decide today or tomorrow about a party; who knows! By the way, I will be chronologically 37 years ago on Saturday but I have told my cells that we are turning 26 and not to toot my own horn but I I literally look 26 years old so I am going to hold onto this! Our bodies listen to us! Other ways to stay youthful looking are to take Biosil (a form of Biotin/Collagen), avoid all processed sugars, wear a sunhat, make sure to have a lot of antioxidants which prevent your skin from getting sunburned, wear all-natural SPF on your neck and collar if you will be in intense heat... and a few other things, which I will put into a book!

I am going to drive to my friend Matt's new house today which is exciting to me; I love seeing people's homes and there is an optimism about moving into a new house; and even signing a lease, which energizes me. 

In the 2 months since I have began seriously committing to moving away, my friend Matt actually did it (though only a few neighborhoods away from his original house) but it really inspires me to know it is possible.

Everything is possible if you break it down and do not let your emotions tell you otherwise.

This brings me to the topic for today (as if my other posts stuck to specific topics, haha)

The more we are able to set boundaries with other people, the more we are likely to set boundaries with....

OURSELVES.

The more we feel that we deserve the respect of boundaries from others, the more we likely feel that our own lives/boundaries/schedules deserve respect.

I have never been able to stick to a schedule and I see this as some parts ADD, some parts learning I am a Highly Sensitive Person (who is also a High Sensation DOPAMINE Seeker) "HSS HSP" but it is also a level of disrespect and insecurity towards myself; as if me finishing things did not deserve the same respect as say, if I was assigned those very same tasks by a balding male boss with thick eyeglasses. PS did I tell you that the horrible law firm I worked at many years ago and was sexually harassed at became an episode of a TV show called GIRLS? That whole experience is for a "tell all" book which I probably will never write because karma is the real "tell all" - but let's just say that I have had a lot of boundary-less bosses; but again, I take this as my own responsibility BECAUSE  I ALLOWED THIS TYPE OF DISRESPECT/BOUNDARY-LESS-NESS because of my own programming of low self worth/undeservingness/assuming that disrespect was inevitable (as taught to me by my father, who must have gone through life with that mindset as well).

PS DID I TELL YOU MY DAD WAS IN A TERRIBLY-RATED PORN? The funny thing is, it has horrible reviews on Amazon. Have you ever heard of a Porn having bad reviews?! I FIND THIS SO FUNNY HONESTLY. Like, this is what I find after my dad passes away. It is just so funny and bizarre. I decided to buy "the book" version of it and my dad played a cab driver of some sort. I don't actually want to watch the movie; EVEN THOUGH THESE REVIEWS ARE TEMPTING.

But again, back to my epiphany:

The more boundaries we can hold with others, the more we can hold with ourselves because it means we feel we deserve to hold boundaries.

Early on in this Dopamine Detox, I mentioned I was not looking at social media and I was putting down all technology after sundown. I did this again yesterday for the first time in a few months and I can tell you that it makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my level of energy and excitement to get things done.

It is intentionally hard to avoid technology as it is entertainment/a pacifier/a form of connection, but ultimately the pain of using it has now become worse than the pain of avoiding it (which is the opposite of the realization I had when it comes to money)

Now I am switching avoiding technology for avoiding money-issues/responsiblities and using the time I would spend on the internet/social media towards actually working on my goals, but the key word is, I NOW RESPECT MYSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW I AM WORTH FOCUSING ON.

A few years ago, I had the idea to think of myself as my own boss. "What do I have to get done for Carlen today?" and today I am re-igniting that mindset.

As soon as I woke up, I thought of myself as a Business Firm and put on a funny rap song from my childhood called THE FIRM and I literally just told Goblin he got hired today at THE CARLEN ALTMAN FIRM, I also let my childhood toy (a puppet of a mole) he is also hired; along with a bag of delicious grapes that a few of them were now working for The Carlen Altman Firm, in the nutrition department. It brought me so much joy to anthropomorphize them as my co-workers; and then I looked up and I told my ancestors and higher guides that we need to get to work on Day 1 of THE CARLEN ALTMAN BUSINESS FIRM. Obviously this sounds very childish or magical thinking but that is who I am and I love it; it is so much more fun to go about things this way than the previous way of beating myself up as an angry task master, working alone and feeling dread at every new activity.

Something I also forgot which is actually life changing is a magical practice I learned in 2016, which I truly do believe is how many of my dreams began to come true:

It was from my absolute favorite book, THE MAGIC by Rhonda Byrne; which is a 28 day gratitude exercise book.

The chapter was something along the lines of "Thank you for the Magical Outcome"

 It is where, when you have something you have to get done, you imagine in detail the absolute best outcome of it, and feel as if it already happened - what is the feeling you have when it happens? You say "thank you" as if it already happened exactly as it was supposed to.

OUR IMAGINATIONS ARE SO POWERFUL. This is why we are not encouraged to use our imaginations in school but instead to focus on our left brain thinking.

Everytime I used my imagination to imagine the best possible outcome, it made every "scary" experience (business calls/etc) go so wonderfully.

I will say however that when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, I found an incredible holistic doctor in New York and I remember trying to apply this same mindset while praying that they would be able to see my dad (ps it was a doctor who is the wife of Dr Gonzalez - who "mysteriously" died like many holistic doctors , which was one of the things that WOKE ME UP to HOW INSANELY RUN OUR PLANET IS - though now the truth is all coming out and love will prevail - hold on tight to your dreams and hope!)

Anyway, I prayed at the time that this doctor would see my dad; but then I received a letter that my dad's health had gone down hill too much for them to try to detoxify him and I should look for help elsewhere.

Knowing that this was the best doctor in NY and they were rejecting my dad, I was extremely disheartened - and momentarily lost faith in The Law of Attraction; but in hindsight, I know that what I didn't realize at the time was that MY DAD DID NOT WANT TO DETOXIFY; he did not want to go through all the hard work of the type of program Dr Gonzalez would have put him on; he did not want to spend the thousands of dollars it takes to take a holistic route (which are never covered by insurance)

I know that the outcome for my dad was still in his Highest Good, and though I selfishly wanted him to detoxify and heal and live at least 10 more years; I could not see as clearly as God/The Universe what was best for him and best for me in the big picture.

I became physically sick after caring for my dad for a few months; it would have been toxic for me to continue that path.

I bring all of this up to say that we can pray for a wonderful outcome and feel empowered and energized using our imagination to see the ideal situation - but while also trusting that WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS BEST. We cannot see a vantage point other than what is in front of us; so we must trust that what happens - even if it is painful (like watching my dad's health gradually worsen and then die) was somehow the lesser of 2 evils; than had he gotten accepted to the Dr Gonzalez program and had to commute from New Jersey to Manhattan everyday and feel exhausted and angry at himself, and me.

This is all to say that we can take action with hope, empowerment, and self respect - while also accepting that WE DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL.

A perfect solution is to pray before each thing that scares you; imagine the best possible outcome and people you interact with smiling at you; while also saying "Please allow that which is for my Highest Good to come from this"

Sometimes your highest good may be an uncomfortable conflict; but it will be just the thing that will force you to learn something you wouldn't have otherwise learned; while also knowing that God/the Universe only gives you that which forces you to grow/ascend into the strongest most empowered most self-actualized person you can be.

Do you ever wonder why we are even alive? Is it all just random as if we were all just placed here? I used to think that way but what I have come to the conclusion is that this is all like a videogame for God to see how we react and respond - Will we respond bravely and with love and respect or will we shrivel up and act out of hatred and fear?

I believe that everything is almost like a videogame test to see how we react.

The people who act the most lovingly and bravely and generously (sharing their gifts) and standing up for love and what is best for the planet are rewarded with appreciation and often times money; and those who are loving and act from their heart instead of their head, are likely to ascend to another 'level' of reality after death in this reality.

Of course this sounds strange and is not a way to feel depersonalized; as if 'nothing is real' because obviously when you walk into a cactus, you feel pain; but it is to think of everything as a fun challenge 'HOW CAN I SHOW UP FOR THIS AS BRAVELY AND LOVINGLY AS POSSIBLE?"

Dolores Cannon talks a lot about this; but she goes a step further to imply that everyone around us is a BACKGROUND PERSON and not even real; as if they are all "extras" in the auditorium play of "your life" - that video is mindblowing. This concept takes my idea a step further and is intense so watch at your own curiosity.

WHATEVER LIFE IS, it is not as serious as we are told.

Now off to go work with my rabbit Goblin. GIVE THIS BUNNY A RAISE!

xoxo