(photo of a cabin I found for rent in Washington State - HMMMM)
I am so thankful to be even near a park and so thankful to have a car and so thankful to have the energy to even go places now! I am so thankful and my gratitude gives me more energy!
Yesterday I drove across Los Angeles (not on the highway YET) towards the ocean to see my chiropractor as I don't plan on going again for a long time once I move away. (When and where? That is still up for debate! A debate with myself!)
We discovered some VERY INTERESTING THINGS WHICH RANG TRUE IN MY SOUL: such as that I have been allergic to driving on the highway AND men/intimacy/pregnancy since my dad smoked cigarettes in the car on the polluted New Jersey turnpike freeway, with the windows closed when I was a child and I felt so sick in that scenario and subconsciously determined that "men hurt children" and "highways are unsafe for children" which are 2 currently unhelpful subconscious beliefs which we worked to clear yesterday.
AND I FEEL AMAZING!
If someone had told me this type of diagnosis years ago I may have assumed they were a quack/being manipulated by a scam artist but every time I have gone to my doctors I feel profoundly better and I know that just because something is not taught in mainstream medical schools does not trivialize its legitimacy. This topic is discussed in detail in the amazing documentary The Truth About Cancer, which I was drawn to watch in 2015, a year before my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was so thankful for what I learned in this documentary/website as it helped me navigate that experience so much better; however I trust that my dad was ready to die when he did, so no amount of alternative or conventional treatments would save him.
I tried everything for my dad like Apricot Kernels for B17, Soursop fruit, Essiac Tea, an alkaline diet, positive audiobooks, The Magic by Rhonda Byrne and everything helped but ultimately as soon as I left New Jersey in January 2017, he decided to go into hospice care and die in March 2017 even though I tried everything I could do to help him.
I love him and miss him (almost) everyday. Right before he died, I had the idea to make a radio show for him with his comedian friends and I reached out to a comedian named Marc Maron who is very popular here in Los Angeles and when we emailed, he said that my dad would have to 'fly to LA' which I knew could not physically happen for him; and then magically out of the blue, his radio show host friend Joey Reynolds asked if we wanted to do a radio show! Isn't that amazing? I can't find the episode we made online but i know I have it saved on my computer and will upload it to the internet! It had all kinds of inspiring comedians like Jay Leno, Jeff Garlin, and others. I know it was very healing for my dad to see how much he had inspired other comedians and made him feel like his life had 'meaning' as he often questioned this...
My dad never dealt with his childhood trauma (Intense daily physical abuse from his father/emotional abuse from both parents and bullying from other kids) or high sensitivity (which led him to alcoholism since being a teenager!) and he always felt like there was something wrong with him; he would say that he never lived up to his potential all the time and say "potential is no credential" ...
In my 20s, I often felt this way about myself - that I was a FAILURE compared to my "potential", but I truly realize now that I HAD to shield myself from overstimuation due to my sensitivity to things - and that I honestly feel I was saved from a life of people-pleasing in Hollywood while numbed on antidepressants; and now I can do things my OWN way!!!
There is no success or failure. There is only following your dreams and accepting it is all an adventure and gift to be in a human body for such a short time in the scheme of reality.
Our life is a success in itself! Our health is our success! Our experience on Earth is such a rare thing! Think of all the sperm that had a chance to impregnate the egg in your mother's body. How rare are we to make it!
Something else that fascinates me is the idea if you imagine that you get teleported to Earth every morning when you wake up, you appreciate it so much more! How would you live differently if you imagined being teleported to Earth from the dreamspace just for today? What would you do differently? What would you notice?
I remember that all over the world, there are people with millions of Instagram followers who are essentially Idols/Gods to millions of people yet I have never heard of them and they too will die; just as the most famous humans will die.
What matters is not how famous you are, but how much you enjoyed your life and shared your joy with others. This is not a contest of 'best person' award (though I do believe in the Akashic Records and everything is written down now and recorded - so it is in our best interest to be as kind and loving as possible for a chance to Ascend our souls closer to joining God again - but that topic is for another time perhaps!)
I know I am breaking the generational curses and misbeliefs in my family and when I have children one day I will be so loving and gentle and encouraging with them (or just my pet chickens/rabbits/dogs - who knows honestly!) - I will never put my children through the trauma that my parents or I experienced; I will make sure they know they are safe and loved.
My best friend George is teaching me what a loving present parent looks like by his actions and treatment of me and I thank God that I have been 'stuck' in LA because he has helped me so much and I will always treasure this strange time of my life, being forced to continue learning and learning, even when I was ready to hide in a cabin and cushion myself from any sort of pain or discomfort....
Taking care of my dad from June 2016-Dec 2016 (in his very cushioned introverted life in New Jersey) was such an eye opening experience and I chronicled all of it on my phone video camera and assuming it hasn't been erased yet I will eventually edit it into a documentary.
Speaking of editing/making things, I also learned this week with the help of meditation/Indica, that I have avoided responsibility in my life because
a) I did not have the energy/stamina to worry deeply about finishing a project
and b) my fear of disappointing others felt worse than death;
so I avoided doing anything which would potentially disappoint people.
My greatest fear has been disappointing others; but I have DEFINITELY disappointed people this year as I learned to set up boundaries and I have lived through it and this muscle is getting stronger and stronger!
I am safe to disappoint others now! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING FOR ME!
Just in the last 48 hours, I have responded to people I know in real life or on Instagram in a loving way to tell them my boundaries/lovingly stand up for myself and express that I am not interested in things such as hanging out/watching their nude breathwork classes/lots of other stuff which seems insignificant but are the types of boundaries I would have avoided making for fear of disappointing others (while disappointing myself and wasting people's time holding onto an illusion of me as the 'perfect person').
I truly love people and know everyone just wants love and attention, but I no longer have to apologize for not being able to give people my attention in the way they hope for - and it is OK if they are disappointed or angry at me! Especially people I don't know in real life!
I am still safe!
This is SUCH A NEW REALITY FOR ME.
My whole life I tried to get everyone to like me as a way to stay safe (after being bullied in preschool/kindergarten by my teachers and students) and now I know that I do not need to do this as I can protect myself now in the way my parents couldn't!!!!
We are so clouded by early childhood experiences without being aware of this; so if it seems like I am talking about things which are long in the past; it is because finally at age 36, these things are FINALLY COMING TO THE SURFACE!
I hope to help other people with their subconscious beliefs! I admire deeply what my friend Holly Higgins is doing, so if you are interested in removing subconscious beliefs, please check out her amazing website or podcast!!! She inspires me so much and she is so funny!!!!
I also learned this week that like most people especially here in America, I have held onto the mistaken belief that external praise should come immediately for my work; and if it isn't perfect the first time around, it will never get better or receive more recognitition. I also equated recognition with worth, both for myself and for whatever I made.
Underneath that was a desire to be liked by everyone, which as I just mentioned, is something I learned to feel safe, after experiencing bullying and not feeling safe at home due to parental conflict.
When I had a jewelry company, if someone called saying their order was late, I would feel absolutely terrible and apologize profusely. I could not handle the stress of a company, or the stress of directing a movie, or doing any of my very big pursuits because I did not have the bandwith to experience stress or disappoint others. I would rather sleep my life away in my room, living vicariously through reality TV and Youtube videos.
I sabotaged so many of my own projects out of fear of disappointing others, even when I had been disappointed by them!
BUT NO MORE!
Responsibility does not equal death from stress!
Responsibility does not equal a loveless unsafe adulthood!
I am strong enough to handle any responsiblity (ability to respond) now that I have learned tools for my body, mind and spirit!
I am eager also to take these classes on brain training for Highly Sensitive People.
I am so thankful for the time this year to force myself to continue healing and even though I have no idea what is next for me or our economy or planet; I know that I am safe in my body and I am strong and humans have always survived and we always will always figure it out! (or not, and I surrender to that too and will not stress about death since I trust that our Creator knows more than me what is best for this planet! If it is all meant to crumble I surrender to that too !)
One last thing I learned is that our bodies are like a rubberband; if we stay in the same position too long, over time, the rubberband loses its elasticity. This is why I vow that if I sit for 40 minutes at the computer or phone/desk, I will get up and stretch so I do not accidentally train my body to have poor posture that cannot be fixed with simple stretches like they still are now!
Great posture and stretching changes so much, from our current mood (positive with our chin is up -- or victim/negative when our head is down/shoulders arched forward) and this is something in our control! Have a nice day!
