When I graduated from college, more than anything my goal was to do standup comedy and host a TV show. In the course of 1 year after graduating, I was asked to co-host a comedy show and come up with a pilot TV show on a popular television station and act in an independent film.
As I am going through my emails from 2006 and erasing things, I had so much anger come up that I had buried for years regarding these 3 projects, which I realize tainted my experience and made me want to retreat from pursuing anything related to entertainment for many years.
A few months after graduating, I helped come up with a show for a popular television show, filmed the pilot (all about cute rabbits), didn't get paid for anything and then got cut out from the pilot and told not to be a part of the show and that I "did not translate well on camera".
"YOU DON'T TRANSLATE WELL ON CAMERA" was the exact email I got from this woman; who went on to cut me out of my show; dub over my voice, and continue the series for many years, making lots of money for this television station.
In the same summer, I co-hosted a comedy show 3 times in Manhattan with 2 other comedians. I did not connect with either of them comedically whatsoever as they had a very sexual/crass comedic style, but I tried to bounce off their vibes as I knew it was a good opportunity as I had my mom come on stage and perform (which was a big deal for her at the time)- While on vacation, I got an email from the other co-hosts that "they did not feel comfortable with me on stage" and that "my mom's performance was not funny"
Can you imagine how Ego-shattering this would be to a 22 year old with big dreams and sensitivity to get these letters all at once?
In both these instances, I accepted that there was something wrong with me and never truly expressed myself to either of these people how hurt I was...
I recognize now that in both these situations, I did not connect with either of these people as soon as I met them but I IGNORED MY INTUITION (red flag) and said yes to both opportunities because my dad told me that in entertainment, you had to put up with personalities you did not connect with in order to get ahead.
This advice was honestly very damaging for me for the last 13 years, because almost everytime that someone pursued working with me on creative projects, they were usually not the type of people I would want to be friends with , as I connect with shy funny sensitive people...but I never felt like I could set up boundaries, as I assumed "that's just the way it is"
Today I re-read the emails from both of these experiences (getting fired from the show I helped come up with/starred in) and being told I am not a good co-host and I realize that I held onto this pain for over 13 years - feeling this whole time like somehow I did not have what it took to be on television or do standup comedy.
What I realize now that I did not have had nothing to do with skill but the permission, ability and bravery to express myself fully or listen to my intuition, for fear of conflict or "missing out"
Just now, I did something very strange and I actually just wrote back to the woman who I had the comedy show with 13 years ago and finally expressed to her how hurtful I found her email.
I did this more as a way to let her know that her words had such an impact on me but that I finally forgive her and wish her well.
Of course there are so many other things to focus on , especially in this pandemic, but I know that in order for me to use my voice, I have to go back and clean up the damage that got me into the feeling that I could not have boundaries with people.
I also realize that I have nothing to lose by being honest and I will never abandon myself again. I will never be dishonest with anyone else, including myself - and I will never numb my intuition ever again.
I thought about doing the same with the woman from the television show but I looked through my emails and I had threatened legal action against them and decided it was not worth responding further.
WHY did this happen? WHY DID I HAVE A SERIES OF DISRESPECTFUL SCENARIOS IN 1 SUMMER WHEN I FIRST GRADUATED?
I did not believe in myself and I did not respect MYSELF.
I did not feel like I had permission to express myself.
I had such brain fog it was hard for me to even articulate my emotions to people.
I felt "lucky" if someone asked me to participate in something.
I felt like "disrespect was just part of Hollywood"
By holding onto these misbeliefs, I attracted opportunities which reflected this.
As I mentioned, almost every project that has come my way has involved inappropriate men and cruel women and I NOW REALIZE I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
In a film I acted in (which went to Sundance), I was filmed topless without my consent when I was changing off camera and this footage was USED IN THE MOVIE.
I was also treated horribly by my co-star and director. The director also confessed she slept with my then-boyfriend which was on top of everything else.
For an album cover for a very "cool band", I was filmed topless but told that "it was just for an effect and that no nudity would be shown" but then they literally used my body on the cover of their zine with tape covering my nipples, without telling me or asking my permission (Ha! How unbelievably naive I was!)
Almost every job where I have had a male boss, I have been inappropriately hit on - and didn't speak up for fear of retaliation or fear of losing opportunities/losing my income.
Every film opportunity involving men (minus a very small minority) have involved inappropriate sexual text messages/behaviors and me not knowing how to handle it.
I bring this up now, which I have touched slightly on before, because I realize I chose to hide myself from the world instead of setting up boundaries and confronting anyone who disrespected me because I didn't feel my feelings were worthy.
AND I HAVE ROBBED MYSELF AND THE WORLD OF MY GIFTS FOR THIS LAST DECADE BECAUSE I HAVE PRIORITIZED COMFORT OF OTHERS OVER MYSELF!
I also realize more than ever, how much our subconscious belief creates our reality!
Because of the subconscious beliefs I had, I attracted humans into my life which confirmed my belief!
My reality was a reflection of my inner beliefs, taught to me by my father.
It was only because my father said disrespect was inevitable that I never voiced my true concerns with collaborators, and it ended up biting me in the end as none of these relationships worked out.
The thing is, I can only tolerate disrespect for so long and then I shut down and get sick.
I know that with all these people, I shut down as I was too afraid to voice my actual boundaries or needs, and I ended up not being clear with them - and this caused them to feel uncomfortable with me and "break up with me" so I did not have to.
The problem was, by me not expressing myself or my boundaries, I robbed everyone an opportunity to learn something.
We rob everyone an opportunity for learning. Nobody likes learning uncomfortable things but life is always richer for it in the end. We need to TEACH PEOPLE THE WAY WE WANT TO BE TREATED - by starting with treating ourselves with the kindness we want from others.
I am sorry that my dad learned the misbelief that he had to tolerate disrespect to "make it" ; it makes sense that he drank everyday and hid from Hollywood most of his life because like me, he is also very sensitive and we can only tolerate disrespect for so long.
I am proud of myself for writing a letter back to the girl who fired me from the comedy show and told me that both me and my mom were unfunny.
She wrote back a very combative letter but I can tell she tried her best and we are very different people and I truly wish her the best.
However, so this type of disrespect never happens again is why I am dedicated to reprogramming my subconscious beliefs and hope you will do the same, if you are experiencing negative patterns over and over again.
2 incredible sources to reprogram your subconscious are:
ToBeMagnetic.com (which I have mentioned before)
MY INCREDIBLE FRIEND https://www.hollyfisherhiggins.com/ using RTT!!! Listen to her incredible podcast MindSpeak, which I have mentioned on my podcast HYPERNORMAL.
May we all release any programming which stops us from shining and sharing all the magic we have to offer in this world.
I am so proud of myself to finally learn all this - we deserve to be who we are, and we deserve respect, starting from ourselves.
Our parents did the best they knew how; and it is now our responsibility to clean things up.
For peace on Earth to exist, we must start with ourselves.
xx
