6:03PM
Today I had breathwork and realized something (HERE WE GO AGAIN)
THIS IS THE YEAR OF EPIPHANY UPON EPIPHANY AND I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
I AM SO SO THANKFUL!!!!
But first before I write about that, I got a warning from Gmail that my email storage was full so I logged into a website called Clean.Email that helps you delete your emails that take up the most space (since Gmail makes it especially difficult to do this, probably to keep our business so we are forced to buy storage); With the help of clean.email, I have been going through all my emails (largest to smallest; starting with 2005, when I first signed up for it when it was a "hot new rare thing" like the "invite only" Facebook was at the time.)
After going over some emails (I did not have time to read 16,000 emails), I noticed 2 patterns
1. I would send LONG EMAILS TO EVERYONE; no matter what level of relationship we had. This is just how I am as I love to write and am enthusiastic by things... but I cringed seeing HOW MANY LONG EMAILS I SENT PEOPLE I BARELY KNEW. And I remember all the bitter feelings I had when these people would not write me back long email responses (or not write back at all)
It is a tendency for humans, especially Projectors in Human Design to become bitter when your gifts are not recognized and this happened for me all the time to the point where I felt extremely pathetic and doubted if I was talented or not, since many casting directors and comedians (when I would try to book myself for standup shows) would never write me back as long an email as I wrote them (or not write at all)
I now realize that it is not personal if people don't write back to my long emails - I can barely keep track of emails to this day - and if somehow it were personal, that is OK too because I would rather people save me time by not writing back than me thinking they are going to give me a job because of a promising but dishonest email communication...
Now seeing how often it takes ME a long time to write back to people, I realize that it is usually NOT personal when people don't write back and/or write short responses. Some people are just not that expressive or choose to save their energies for in-real-life interactions, which I understand if someone actually had a full-time job that required them to have to write back to hundreds of emails a day.
I forgive myself for taking it personally when people would not write back to me about jobs and/or write back short responses. It is not a sign to give up but just to stop taking people's behaviors personally.
Can you think of patterns you have changed in your life in the last decade? Perhaps look at some old emails of yours - it is actually very healing to see how much you have changed!
2. On a similar note, in my emails I also noticed a pattern of mine where up until this year, if I did not want to correspond with someone - such as a fan or random person I met -, I would not outwardly say it and either not write back at all (hoping they would take a hint) or write more than I wanted to, and lead them on, out of pity, under the delusion that I was responsible for their happiness (even people I barely knew/only knew because they were fans of my work)
I did this in real life and over email because I hate hurting people's feelings because I know what it is like to feel hurt and rejected.
I made the connection that THIS BEHAVIOR is why I was so insulted when people did not write back to me; since I used to be dishonest and not write back to people rather than express uncomfortable feelings, I assumed EVERYONE ELSE had such poor communication patterns as me, and were *secretly* upset with me if they didn't write back, since I was often secretly uncomfortable with people if I didn't write back.
Now I have begun to be honest with everyone - friends or people I only know online - and it has made such a difference and people are a lot more level-headed than I assumed, and I don't have to fear disappointing people the way I did (my whole life)
There is an amazing podcast all about this topic I listened to last night, which is perfect timing!
I just found one email correspondence from 2014 where I blocked a fan of mine from reading this blog after they became stalkerish and they emailed me because they figured out that I blocked them and they were upset and I finally told them bluntly that I did not want to communicate - and despite how unstable this person seemed, it went FINE! I realize the more that I try to avoid people pain, the more pain I cause both of us! Now I try to be honest and upfront with everyone as I realize that my desire to help people avoid pain by setting up true boundaries is actually disrespectful to us both - though I know I did this because I hate causing anyone pain, especially as a Highly Sensitive Person (because I end up FEELING the pain I perceive them to feel)
It is like I tried for so long to avoid hurting anyone because it hurt me! But in the end, it is better to be honest and trust that people are capable of tending to their own emotional needs. Everyone has a spiritual curriculum and if that involves rejection, it is better you are honest in a loving way with your needs, so they can learn the lesson they are meant to learn.
Over and over again in my email communication, I noticed I tried to be as kind to others as possible without ever voicing my feelings out of fear of making someone feel rejected.
The last straw with this type of behavior of mine happened this year in real life with someone I met at a rabbit caretaking company who offered to watch Goblin for a few months when I was set off to travel to find a new place to live (before George offered)....but then this person from the rabbit company misunderstood my kindness and began to text and email me and (drunkenly) call me everyday and I did not know how to handle it and then I told them I was "avoiding emails" (which was only partially true) but the truth was that I wanted to stop communication with him, and he was very upset and wrote very violent text messages so I had to block him...
I now know that I should have been honest with him as soon as I noticed the pattern of this person assuming I wanted more of a connection than I did. I now realize that it is more hurtful to lead someone on by trying to be nice, than be gently honest with people immediately.
As for the way that people to respond to us when we put up boundaries, I am so thankful that I am reminded that only hurt people (try to) hurt people - and anyone who responds to rejection with violence/yelling is in a very bad place and living with a lot of shame and humiliation (that started before me, and will likely continue after me)
I now know that it is okay for me to disappoint people which as I mentioned in my more recent posts, is a mindblowingly new awareness for me.
I know that when either of my parents were upset, I would feel like it was my responsibility to console them (even as a young child) and I am so glad I finally stopped this pattern, which is bad for my health.
I am especially grateful I figured this out before I am in any way a practicing health practitioner/healer/person in any kind of spotlight again, as NOT setting up boundaries/having over-responsiblity would make me very sick, like I was before.
There is a theory that humans (especially women) hold onto weight-gain as a way to create boundaries so they do not have to deal with sexual advances. I believe that though I never gained weight, I did manifest exhaustion and anxiety as a way to deem myself "sick and crazy" so I never go to a point where I had to deal with actually setting up boundaries... until now!
I truly do believe that not setting up boundaries is one of the reasons I was extremely tired all the time.
I realize that even in junior highschool, I would attract people (usually funny and strange loners) who I would feel bad for and befriend, and they usually became obsessed with me and I would feel bad for them, as if I was responsible for them holding onto the illusion of our friendship/connection - especially if they had no other friends - and I would not want to let them down by putting up a boundary or saying I did not want to play with them.
I did this so often that it started to affect my health (though I did not realize this was a factor until the past 2 years, working on boundary-setting with my therapist) and I now know that I am doing everyone a favor by being direct with my boundaries, and I am saving them the headache of a one-sided friendship, to give them space to actually find meaningful loving friends and not someone "just trying to be nice" so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.
Have you ever done this?
People will not die or kill themselves if I have needs and I am actually wasting both my time and other people's if I am not honest with my boundaries, even digital ones. If somehow someone was to kill themselves, (which I would never hope for), I have to trust that I am not the one who is responsible as everyone chooses their destiny. I cannot fix or save anyone; only myself.
I think I have repeated myself many times in this blogpost but it just shows how much of an issue this has been my whole life, and I am so grateful to finally solve it now.
This is not to say that I dislike any interaction with new people - in real life or online.
In fact, I have met incredible friends from this blog and social media and in real life. I AM SO GRATEFUL when likeminded kind people reach out to me who I connect with. I am grateful for other people in this world wide web who manage to find me and feel a connection.
And now I can be more present for authentic connections I want to have - and not spread myself thin.
It is now safe for me to set boundaries; and this is true for you too!!!!!
"I AM SAFE TO HAVE NEEDS"
and
"OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF MY WORTH OR SAFETY"
I can protect myself and so can you!
We are grownups now and we will never abandon our inner children, right? RIGHT? :)
And now back to today's breathwork....which was the point of this post before I noticed my Gmail had run out of space... Haha!
So yesterday, George and I drove to an Alkaline Water shop to fill up our big glass jug as the tap water here in Los Angeles is atrocious and I don't want to use up my water filter unnecessarily - George wanted to go to a new water place which is closer to our house (a shop on stressful and busy Hollywood Boulevard) and when we drove there, there was a very unstable looking shoe-less homeless woman wearing a bedsheet, aged in her 60s (or younger, just drug-addicted and sunburned, not sure) with a shaved head and she was muttering.
There are thousands of troubled homeless people all around Los Angeles and I truly have compassion for them all as I know that nobody chooses to live this way - and not everyone has the luxury of finding adequate mental health help (not even people with homes and full time jobs) but I had recognized this woman as a woman who would sleep near my house on the street and yell at people in a very menacing way; and when I saw her next to the water dispensary I got very anxious at the thought of her yelling at us.
George is not afraid of anything and he too recognized her, but focused on the humorous-side of her by reminding me that he once saw her bathing naked in a water fountain and that she was the most muscular woman he ever saw naked in his life.
Anyway, as we were filling up the water, I had my eye on her and she started walking closer and closer to my car, and standing right behind George. I tried to let him know she was right behind him and standing awfully close to my car, but I had on a mask so I could only use my eyes to express myself.
It seemed like he did not understand what I was motioning to and he began laughing saying "What? What are you trying to say?"...
Luckily, she walked away, in her own dreamland, probably not even aware of how close she was to my car or George but it gave me such a panic feeling; especially amplified by the fact that I could not express to George how scared I was because of the mask.
When we got in the car, I began crying and I told him what had happened and he said "I saw her the whole time; I could tell by your eyes what was going on and I would never have taken us here if she was going to hurt us... She is a harmless mentally ill woman. The mentally ill homeless people here are not threats; it is friends and family who are more likely to ever hurt us"
This was a very strange thing to say as a form of comfort as it made me feel as if I was "crazy" to have such fears, but then I remembered being around the age of 3 and walking past the supermarket in my area in Manhattan - a very crowded popular supermarket caled Zabar's (have you heard of this place? It has been featured in a lot of movies!), and an almost identical looking homeless woman (weathered sunburned with reddish blond shaved head and cat-like eyes) would panhandle in front of the shop with her pet cat - and once yelled at me while I was walking with my dad.
My dad didn't do anything to protect me and I had the same exact level of fear come up with this woman yesterday as I did then. It is a feeling that nobody is going to save me; and that I cannot save myself.
A bit shaken, George and I drove to Griffith Park and he hugged me and I listened to H'opononopono on repeat in the car the entire way to the park (to George's disgust, haha)
I was honestly a bit frustrated and alienated that George was not bothered in any way by this homeless lady and sort of dismissed my fears as unnecessary...
I felt unseen even though he was genuinely trying his best to make me feel better ... but what helped me the most was me telling myself inwardly ...
I WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU CARLEN. I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE,
as I am now the adult version of my inner child, who is still inside me, always listening and always looking for guidance.
George does not worry about ANYTHING at ALL and he says the
internet has possessed everyone to live in fear but that "nothing bad
ever, I promise".
I was trying to explain my relationship with my friend George to my chiropractor and how George sleeps in a cave and skateboards about 6 miles from our house to the ocean and sleeps under a lifeguard's chair or in the middle of nature and my chiropractor said "You have the strangest life, Carlen" and I thought that was funny for him to say, considering he is the one who told me that my dead childhood friend Gabriel had been clinging onto my body until I released his soul using a prayer, rosary and photo of Mother Mary ... (do you remember that post?)
That chiropractor has clearly seen and experienced a lot of weird things and troubled patients, so I found it so funny he told me that "I have the strangest life!" (ha ha ha)
Moving on -- today in breathwork I had an epiphany of why I got so annoyed about George's lack of fear about anything.
He does not worry about anything and I realize I have created such a cushioned life where I limit myself from experiencing true freedom because I am afraid of getting hurt.
I ENVY THE FACT THAT HE DOES NOT WORRY AND HE IS STILL OKAY!
WHAT HAS WORRYING DONE FOR ME?
I worry about things happening to me to the point that it stops me from taking chances; rather than trusting I will be able to handle anything that comes my way, and most importantly, THE WORLD IS NOT TRYING TO HURT ME.
I am an adult now and the world is actually a very beautiful safe place - it is NOT THE INTERNET.
The internet is like a Rorschach inkblot test because you get to (literally see whatever version of reality you want to see .... especially if you tune out the news)
I have believed my world is not safe and scary and this has made me a prisoner of the indoors, but I really truly, as of today, feel like this is over.
I do not want to worry my whole life that something bad will happen; I want to trust that I can handle anything that comes my way, and assume that the world is not set out to hurt me.
Our reality is a reflection of our perceptions. I no longer choose to live in fear; and I trust that I have what it takes to handle anything that comes my way.
I also carry mace.
Have a nice day! I am thankful to share this with you and thankful you are here. I will never be dishonest with you or myself.
