I know this is an obvious epiphany and truly the whole basis of my Dopamine Detox to remove technology as my 'source' of entertainment/numbing, and replace it with my inner knowing (my 'innernet) but it is such a new thing; to truly listen inward. To truly trust my own guidance instead of looking outward for answers or approval.
I have been drawing a lot recently (which I may have mentioned is something I used to LOVE doing until I went to an art highschool in NYC called LaGuardia which turned me away from using this part of my brain as it was so competitive and only photorealist painters were given A+)
Since I was a child, my favorite thing to do is to copy things I see in picture books/on the internet/magazines using a really nice quality black ink pens (Pilot V Razor Point and Sharpie pens are my favorite) and add my own spin to this.
You can see some of my very old art work here... I haven't owned a scanner for over 10 years but I may get one soon to share some of my new art work here.
I eventually want to make either a coloring book or make a book of tattoo designs! Doesn't that sound fun? Maybe I have mentioned this before.
I realize my skill for copying things is amplified by my brain's high level of mirror neurons, which Highly Sensitive People have a lot of compared to less sensitive people (NOT TO BRAG OR SOUND INSENSITIVE...haha), and why I now understand (from a physiological leve) how we can so accurately mimick images and even people's moods to make them feel understood/improvise/copy.
Basically, I believe Highly Sensitive People can be chameleons and mold our proverbial puzzle pieces of our personality's to copy others and fit into THEIR puzzles instead of expecting the other puzzle pieces to fit with ours.
We prioritize helping others avoiding pain because we are able to control ourselves so deeply; it is a superskill but because I was so unaware of all the aspects of being a Highly Sensitive People, I realize that this skill can backfire as when you are so aware of trying to mold to others and please others, you often forget about your needs and desires.
This is why having my new epiphany that it is OK to disappoint others has been such a lifechanger for me and how it gave me the courage to do many things in the past 2 weeks which I may not have been equipped to do before.
As I mentioned, I moved in with my friend George a few months ago when this pandemic started, partially because of the high levels of EMFs in my old apartment, found by an amazing building biologist, but also because I had extremely noisy nextdoor neighbors with children who seemed oblivious to how noisy they were. I felt too guilty to ask them to quiet their daughter down as I did not want her to feel stifled; especially cooped up during a pandemic - so I decided it was easier to just move in with George than deal with confronting the parents. who seemed a bit oblivious to boundaries and would leave furniture in my parking spot when we shared a garage, until I repeatedly told them to keep it clean.
This feels like another lifetime ago when I was too self-conscious to exercise any of my boundaries without feeling absolute guilt, as if my needs were less important than others.
Growing up, I mentioned that I lived next to a nightclub - and I have always been very sensitive to noises. But time and time again, I have felt actual dread at telling my neighbors (here and in the past) that I was disturbed by the noise.
As they say, life gives you the same lesson over and over until you learn it... so of course, as of the beginning of last month, a young girl began subletting into George's next door neighbors house - and of course she began playing extremely loud club music.
After she did it at 2am, I was so frustrated (yet still scared of any confrontation AKA disappoiting another person - even a stranger) so I had George go over to talk to her and she seemed unaware of how loud it was and turned it down.
It seemed like a big relief and as if it would never happen again as she seemed genuinely caring and receptive but a small part of me felt like I was supposed to finally heal my fear of dealing with loud neighbors by telling her directly; instead of having George deal with my problem for me (as he is not affected by noise, whatsoever and was doing this completely for me, and my ability to sleep and concentrate on my work from home)
Low and behold, she began playing music again a few days later - and so George went over again and told her to lower it and I hoped it would be done with,
but again, a little part of me wanted the uncomfortable "Grown up" task of telling her to please keep the music down myself...
Last night, at 12:40AM, I finally had my opportunity as I was woken up to 2 female voices outside talking loudly and the sound music; and I opened my blinds and saw my other neighbors (from another building) groggily peeking out through their windows, equally trying to figure out where the noise was coming from,
Immediately, I realized it was from this very same girl - who apparently was sitting outside laughing and had music on loudly, after midnight.
George was not home as he was out on his bike like he usual does (riding through the night, to either his cave or the ocean to rest on the sand) but I could not believe that after 2 times of George being so kind to her that she would disregard our polite requests and not only play music after midnight but also talk loudly outside at such a late hour.
Earlier in the day yesterday, I spoke with my incredible friend Davonte, who I have mentioned before in this blog (and who is extremely sensitive and an old soul and very wise) and he posted on Facebook about how this week is a time of TESTS and we began speaking on messenger yesterday all about this theory (which feels very true for me, does it for you too?) and he said by using Human Design, there is a function called Transits, which combines astrology forecast with Human Design; he said this week is an especially potent time to pass tests we have faced before, but this time we have the opportunity to choose bravely and differently.
If you ever want to work with Davonte or check out his amazing work, he is hereHe is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and is also so down to Earth and funny, which I appreciate so much. He was my only friend in Los Angeles who I spoke with regularly and would never get drained from, even if we hung out for many hours at a time. We would meet at our favorite organic supermarket salad bar and just sit and talk and eat and it was so nice to feel less like an alien here.
ANYWAY, the point is, I do feel like this opportunity of the noisy random girl was my opportunity to PASS A TEST so I knocked on her door at 12:50am (the music was still loud) and she opened the door and I explained to her that it was loud. She became defensive and said it was only a record player on a stand and asked me to come in and see proof of this but I said it didn't matter and that I could still hear it through the wall and politely asked her to move it as far away from our wall as possible so she could enjoy herself and I could sleep. I mentioned that I work from home and if I don't get sleep, I begin to go crazy - I tried to say all of this in a lighthearted way but I could feel my heart racing as I realized I was apologizing and over-explaining myself, when honestly all I probably needed to do was say "Hey, the music is loud. It's after midnight. Turn it off" - but as this is a new muscle for me to express myself, I could feel the boundary-muscles being exercised - especially when she became a bit defensive telling me it was only a record player.
Had I not spoke to my friend Davonte, I probably would not have seen this all as a "test" for me to speak up sincerely.... and I got back in bed once it was quiet and the little voice of my heart said to me
"When you refuse to speak up out of fear of disappointing people, you are usually disappointing others who would benefit from you speaking up"
It showed me the flashback of the neighbor groggily looking through his window trying to figure out where the noise was coming from; and I felt such a burst of love and understanding, as I finally really felt the lesson that because I spoke up and potentially disappointed this girl , I was actually helping all the other neighbors who did not have the opportunity to speak up have a good night's rest.
This is the big lesson for this chapter of my life - speaking up and sharing my truth towards helping humanity/sharing joy even if I disappoint a small handful of people who don't like their worldview or experiences tampered with.
This is why I finally feel ready to edit down the interview I did with the building builogist about how toxic 5.Gee is; and even if people think I am stupid or disappointing them, I know I am potentially helping more people who cannot speak up about this horrible tecnology, human, animal or otherwise.
This is why I finally feel ready to send letters to verbally abusive filmmakers and comedians to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable - not just for me, but for the other people who are affected by their insensitive behavior.
As an update, the female comedy show host wrote back to my letter and became defensive and said that her letters to me were not hurtful as if to minimize my experience; and I decided not to write back and just wish her love and healing; I said what I needed to say to her and I truly pray that she does not ever speak so meanly to anyone ever again.
I will probably not reach out to all the disrespectful people I have interacted with since age 21, since as I mentioned, I attracted these people because on a subconscious level, I did not feel I deserved respect -- I cannot change anyone, but I know going forward that I need to teach people how I need to be respected, whether that is noise-levels, physical boundaries, signing contracts or anything else.
Our subconscious mind attracts almost everything that happens to us (this is not to say we "manifested" systemic oppression or abuse) but we have the power, tools and responsibiity to manifest almost everything better in our lives - once we know it is even possible.
This is the opposite of the programming we receive through television and films, which is that "life is hard" "rich people are (mostly) bad" and so much more.
We have to choose to reprogram our minds and I am so grateful to finally know this and hope to come up with a program combining everything I have learned, and offer it on my upcoming website/company 1-800 EARTH.
I decided I will call my system THE BRAINWASH as it will combine detoxification, subconscious reprograming, and other forms of healing so we can brainwash people positively.
I also really want to make a movie of a true revolution so people can see it is possible.
I have begun writing this story many times but have not gotten around to finishing it. But if people can SEE something is possible, their brain begins to BELIEVE it is possible.
We are only shown revolution as a painful violent chaotic thing - but if we are shown it as a gradual shift of feeding the system less and less and becoming independent and healed, this is what will help empower people enough to even know it is possible, on a conscious and subconscious level!
One amazing thing I learned all about this topic is that the subconscious brain is literally housed in our Central Nervous System (located in the spinal column)
When I went to the chiropractor last week, we worked on my subconscious fears of driving/being unsafe in the car with my dad who smoked cigarettes on a polluted scary post-apocalyptic looking highway called The Jersey Turnpike with the windows closed and the chiropractor used a laser gun on my spine as we reprogrammed these thoughts.
I did not understand WHY we did this until I told my amazing friend Holly, (who is also an amazing practitioner) and she said they did that because the subconscious lives in our spine and lower brain now I understand and think that is SUCH AN AMAZING FACT!
I bet that having poor posture (from the typical 'modern' life of sitting at a desk/looking down at a phone) is connected to people living more in their subconscious fears than conscious bravery/logic.
Enjoy this FUN NEW theory of mine but I suspect that when you have a poor posture, your spine and lower brain has less free flow to your higher brain and it seems likely your brain is accessing more of your subconscious brain (primitive fears/misbeliefs) than the empowered part of your conscious brain, when you make decisions....
Of course this is just a theory of mine but either way, access to our chi/lifeforce energy can be amplified by making sure you keep your neck straight/great posture and regular chiropractic adjustments (even once a year) and consciously sitting up straight/taking breaks when using the computer or phone so you do not crunch your neck and make it lean forward instead of vertical.
I have to go get ready to leave but have a nice day! What tests are you dealing with and how are you responding differently and bravely this time?
