Happy Day #175 of this Dopamine Detox Blog.
Last night George and I had an hour-long conversation with the noisy subletter nextdoor making and she was extremely nice and apologetic and explained how sorry she was for the noise and explained how hard her life was.
She told us that she worked for a very prestigious agency here in Hollywood with a female boss who was extremely abusive and who she and her mother both had a romantic affair with and how she hated her job so much but was afraid to quit and start her own business. It was clear she was numbing her pain and felt trapped in her life and I truly had compassion for her but also was sincerely hopeful that after our hour-long talk expressing our sensitivity to her situation but also our sensitivity to noise, she would be more respectful. As always on this blog, I am conscious to omit anyone's names or defining details as that is what I would want if someone was writing so freely as I am, even though, when it comes to Hollywood related things it would be so juicy and lower vibrational of me to perpetuate gossip and use names of people (not this post specifically but in general), as I truly do have so much gossip from my brief experiences in entertainment/Hollywood but I would not reveal it here; but it just validated my deep desire to take a detour and take a more conscious direction in my life - and also explained to me why there is such immature and insensitive content in media and film, since so many people in Hollywood are extremely immature and insensitive themselves.
In a not-so-comedic plot twist, I was woken up again last night, only a few hours after our heartwarming conversation, again around 12:40AM to the nextdoor subletter having a loud party outside, with people drunkenly yelling (but this time with NO MUSIC) and I could not believe it, considering what felt like such progress with her. George texted her and she was clearly drunk and defensively -but my other equally sensitive neighbor (a psychic in the building next door) just told me she not only heard the noise but let the landlord know this is a problem too.
Again, I am treating these kinds of situations now like a Test from the Universe to force me to speak up for myself and my needs and boundaries even when it is uncomfortable. That being said, I was grateful that George called her instead of me going over again, as I had reached my limit of trying to speak with her compassionately yesterday.
I just got a message from my other older neighbor asking me if I heard the noise from the party; which goes back to my epiphany yesterday (and many months ago, less loud at the time in my soul) that I am disappointing MORE people when I don't speak up for what's right/what I enjoy/share my art; than I am by withholding my voice.
I realize too that when people do not respect my boundaries, I am likely projecting all of the years and times that I did not stick up for my needs and boundaries; so the rage I feel recently when people lack sensitivity is a culmination of my entire life not setting up boundaries.
I take responsibility for this and I am grateful for the awareness that each situation I experience of a loud or insensitive person now is not a culmination of every experience combined together; they are not a composite of every feeling of pain ; their actions are not personal whatsoever...
and more importantly, I now know that I have permission to disappoint people by speaking up for my needs rather than bottling them up, which is always counterproductive, if I am able to speak with compassion and love (which usually won't happen if I bottle it up and begin to resent people who are almost always oblivious to their effects on me)
This is truly such an important step for me as both an artist/creator but also lightworker on behalf of planet Earth to finally receive this information.
George has also helped me so much as he truly does not care what anyone thinks of him/his lifestyle and only really cares about his immediate friends and family before he tries to help anyone else. He says we need to start small to big, which is something I agree with.
More than anything, when it comes to being fearful of disappointing people/receiving criticism from them (whether a critic or a loud neighnor), the most important question is....
DO I RESPECT THIS PERSON AND THEIR POINT OF VIEW?
Do I blindly take criticism from people I would not take advice from?
This is not to say that people I don't respect don't have good ideas or constructive criticism; but what it means is that I do not need to blindly receive anyone's opinions as truth, ESPECIALLY if I do not even respect their point of view.
This feels like the missing piece of the puzzle for me to truly share things instead of just talking about sharing things. I have dematerialized the subconscious fear of disappointing others as I no longer equate disappointing others with being unsafe, homeless or unloved....
And with that in mind, last night even though the neighbor was so loud, I did not have the same level of rage that I did the night before before I spoke up to her, because I now know that I have the permission to express myself; and that permission on it's own has given me so much relief!
It is finally time for me to share my gifts with the world.
And on a very similar note, I am going through my old voicemail messages and just found this message from my dad when I had my first standup comedy show in 2007.
When I listened to it for the first time since 2007, it made me cry for an hour, as this advice from my dad then feels actually resonant today.
This will stop working in 30 days but I hope you feel this voice mail message to be true for you too. (replace pretty with handsome if that is more resonant for you)
xoxo
