Monday 1:00pm
Hello there!
Something that dawned on me today is that I have been very undisciplined in my life except in the area of researching personal development/health, as a way to figure out WHY I have been undisciplined.
I think I have finally figured it out!
This morning I woke up with the message that the reason I have avoided commitment in all areas of my life (creative projects, romantic relationships) is because I have very inconsistent moods and energy and don't want to say YES to something that I cannot show up for.
This message of understanding was very helpful today and made a lot of sense to me.
I also made a list this morning of things which I did not know growing up, which contributed to my inconsistent mood and energy (and total exhaustion)
Some of these things are the role of trauma stuck in the body, Adrenal Fatigue, Cortisol firing, low protein, low B vitamin, too much gluten and dairy, no nature in my NYC upbringing, no adult who "understood" my sensitivty, loud sounds all around which frazzled my nervous system, no awareness of tools such as meditation, toxic diet and medicine, etc...
With all these things combined, I felt unstable and therefore felt absolutely insane my whole life (up until about 3 years ago, more gradually and gradually!)
As I mentioned, eating bread on my birthday week made me feel INSANELY brain fogged and anxious for the first time in years and it was extremely humbling but also helpful for me to witness how much of an effect the simple ingredient of gluten has on my brain, and have sympathy for all the other humans experiencing this response and blaming their genetics for their depression/anxiety or everyone's favorite scapegoat, your "parent's divorce" or other external things (which are obviously important things, but not always the culprit, as many mainstream therapists try to blame as the TOTAL cause of your anxiety/depression/maladaptive behaviors in a very Freudian way ... aka "You are fucked up because your parents had a bad marriage and we will have to talk about this in therapy every week for decades without any real progress")
For the past week, everyday when I wake up I drink Oolong tea (from my doctor, which is said to help enhance GABA levels in the brain) and write freely in my journal while sitting in the courtyard outside my building, before the local business construction and neighbors begin their daily sounds of distraction and all I have to listen to are the wild birds who I wish I could be friends with.
Drinking this tea and writing has been such a nice new routine to start my day.
Last week I ordered 12 legal pads and I use each pad for a different area of my life. One is "journal", one is "Business Course/business creation", one is "Highly Sensitive Person course" (the course I am taking), one is "GROWN UP" for all the grown up tasks I have to do like have my car fixed/deal with insurance things.... (said in a yelling voice, as indicated by all capital letters)
Separating my areas of life into different notepads has been SO helpful because everything stays organized and then I can seek out things easily instead of having everything lumped in random messy papers/folders/tiny notebooks I have to re-read in their entirety to find the phone number of my insurance company... If you are feeling disorganized, buying legal pads might help you too! It was inspired my business coach Angel Quintana of HolisticFashionista.com (watch this video for an intro to her work - she mentions my name!!! This is a course on applying astrology to know more about how to build an online business - she has many other courses too )
Anyway, in the beginning of this Dopamine Detox, I mentioned that I had a "no fap" rule (which is discussed in many books and websites since sexual activity can lower your levels of chi/creative energy) and again, after my doctor told me last week to avoid social media and the internet, I now have a "no tap" rule, as in no using Facebook/Instagram.
NO FAP NO TAP™ OVER HERE!
Everytime I get a "like" or message on social media, it is like Dopamine melts iso delightfully but toxicly n my brain and instead of this, I want to save all my energy and Dopamine on bigger things than the temporary fleeting trivial satisfaction of getting a red colored message there.
I want to raise my expectations of what it takes to feel good that truly mundane things on my screen etc!!!!
I have re-started making my computer screen red (using the Fluxe app) and made my phone screen red again... It is so good to have way less stimulation again and just focus on the things that move my life forward
a) finding somewhere to live
b) my health certification
c) my business course and completion of my business 1-800 EARTH
d) my Highly Sensitive Person survival course
e) making health food for myself and taking vitamins and writing in my journal
f) taking walks in nature and meditating
g) checking on friends and family and having phone conversations
h) day to day "grown up things" like bills
That's pretty much all I want to focus on right now and that is quite a lot in itself.
A friend of mine from Taiwan (who is a feng shui consultant and ghost hunter) told me the expression "chase two rabbits, catch none" and I thought it was brilliant and in a way it confirms that spreading myself thin will lead to me never finishing anything so I should probably only focus on
a) and e) f) h) and first
then complete d)
then complete the rest....
but I like balancing everything - but perhaps that is the problem...
At least having different legal pads is a start!
And no fapping or tapping and blowing my load on mediocre things gives me more energy to focus on all these things...
Another thing I have been thinking about is the idea we accept of the 'popular vote' in politics;
If there was a 'popular vote' on what food should be America's most necessary food and it was between microwaved pizza and organic kale, I am sure that, based on the popularity of microwavable pizza, that it would win at least 80% to 20% kale
(PS Tombstone brand and BagelBites were my favorite pizza brands before I learned about health)
Considering the media and schools intentionally present extremely biased information when it comes to politics (just look at the ZERO coverage of Joe Biden's son's laptop containing incriminating evidence on their whole family; and the fact that Twitter BLOCKED this information from being shared) - it should be assumed that the average American is only receiving a very biased type of information and therefore, their opinion should not really count for the "popular vote" just in the same way that all the people who "voted for pizza" as the necessary food have no knowledge of celiac disease, gluten intolerance, hormones in the dairy used to make the cheese, animal abuse of the cows and slaughter of dairy cows to make the cheese, pesticides and possible GMOs used to make the tomatoes for the pizza sauce, the BPA lining for the can used to hold the tomatoes which leads to health issues, etc....
It is only when people have FULL information can they make an informed decision...
It is clear through the censorship of natural health cures (on social media/in school textbooks) that SOMEONE does not want us to have FULL INFORMATION just like SOMEONE does not want American voters to have FULL information when it comes to voting...
Without full information for consumers to assess when making a decision, the "popular vote" should not be given any weight since it is not based on an informed consumer.
I would not want an uninformed doctor working on me, just like I do not want 'what is popular' to dictate who is president; especially considering what is 'popular' is to :
bury your life in technology/be sick/be dissatisfied/eat junk food...
Luckily, thanks to the internet, anyone can become informed - on ANYTHING. It is still pretty much a democratic place, even with all the censorship.... so in a way, anyone can become an informed person (on any topic) but people don't even KNOW they are uninformed...
I am sure there is some quote about this, like "the people are uninformed but they don't even know they are uninformed" or something like that, said by a photo of an old man like Noam Chomsky or something... (do you know the quote I mean?)
Thank you for attending my TedTalk for the day....
