I have been called to read this book and here it goes!
(THE FIRST 20 MINUTES ARE SUPER BORING AND GRAPHICALLY DESCRIBE THE AUTHOR'S INJURY WHICH IS TOO VIOLENT FOR ME TO LISTEN TO - ALTHOUGH I HAVE COMPASSION FOR HIS TROUBLES, IT WAS TOO GOREY TO LISTEN TO! -- I ENCOURAGE YOU SCROLL FORWARD.. IT REALLY GETS GOOD!!!)
I am realizing that all of the struggles I have been given as it relates to my health were to force me to wake up and realize things that I DEFINITELY wouldn't have otherwise, had I not faced the discomfort that I did.
If I had no health issues (chronic exhaustion/anxiety/brain fog/ETC) I would probably be a D list actor who naively thought I could get the world to 'wake up to stopping pollution' through 80 second award show thank you speeches, instead of the much stranger perspectives I have now adopted on society/media/etc.
IE. THE SYSTEM IS INTENTIONALLY BROKEN/NATURAL CURES ARE HIDDEN TO KEEP HUMANITY DEPENDANT!
(Luckily, people are waking up, whether or not I am right or wrong! Thank God for the Internet/plants!)
Regardless of what the "truth" is "out there", I actually don't care anymore. I would like to think that governments and agencies like the FDA have humanity's best interest when they choose to villanize plant medicine with proven successes like Ibogaine, but who knows!
I trust that everything I have gone through has been a blessing even if it hasn't always been the most comfortable!
I believe this is an empowering way to look at life - to see every experience as a blessing and learning opportunity.
I reflected back on the last 15 years of my life and I can honestly say that I have spent 80% of my life home researching and playing with my various pets.
To normal people, this sounds like I am an agoraphobic hermit - and I will admit it is funny that I have lived this lifestyle in both Manhattan and Los Angeles, two of the most electrifyingly social places on Earth! However, I now feel grateful for all that time instead of seeing it as WASTED because I chose my schedule; and I LOVE RESEARCHING AND SITTING WITH MY PET RABBIT AND HAVING HIM KISS MY FACE WHILE EATING BLUEBERRIES MORE THAN ANYTHING!
I love learning, so it has been a blessing I have been given the time to do what I love!
I have really enjoyed joining the Beartaria Times App 2 weeks ago, which is a social media app for people who are into homesteading/leaving society, created by the banned comedian Owen Benjamin.
I was told about it by 2 friends who are both very unique and both looking to build farms/live 'off the grid' -- and everyone else on the app seems to be that way as well!
A woman on it had a photo of baby rabbits as her main photo and I told her that I had a rabbit and she wrote 'THOSE ARE NEW ZEALAND RABBITS THAT I RAISE FOR EATING" and I thought to myself, as they say in The Wizard of Oz "Umm, we are NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE" (or actually, we are in Kansas hahaha)
I am one of the only girls on the app and everyone is very nice and into reading esoteric books and making sourdough bread and having lots of children and leaving society.
They are not explicitly "Republicans" but they do make fun of Social Justice Warriors a lot which is funny for me, considering I am sure I have been perceived as one in the past. I am grateful for my open mind, which is how I can be on that website (along with Raya, which is the TOTAL OPPOSITE and the epitome of Ego and deeply indoctrinated fame-hungry "Soy Boy" "Beta Males" haha -- I have not met anyone from that app but I find it extremely entertaining)
I like the fact that I can be curious about all different areas of society and keep a (relatively) open mind (thanks to my Flouride detoxification, most likely).
I was forced to have an open mind when I was not given answers from conventional sources and was forced to seek out alternatives.
Something I notice is that on the Beartaria app, a bunch of guys have messaged me asking me out (even though I literally have only one tiny photo of myself) and it is not even a 'dating app' -- I notice that when someone is very complementary and flattering off the bat, it is nice to hear but it also repulses me a little bit, and makes me think the person is a bit desperate for any female attention.
I notice that it is the people on the app who are not hurried or overly complementary who I am drawn to talking to.
I was thinking about this and although I am not interested in dating any of them (or anyone right now, as I am wanting to learn more about myself and date myself as I learn to commit to myself via my habits and learn what I authentically enjoy in life without societal conditioning, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH), I notice that it feels VERY true that women generally like/are attracted to men who are calm and not pushy and even "hard to get" -- instead of "nice guys" who shower them with praise from the beginning.
In my opinion, the appeal of "distant/not nice guys" stems from a very primitive evolutionary reasoning -- Women assume that men who are persistent "nice guys" even when rejected are "Lesser" on an evolutionary *genetic material* level, which is deep down how we are all operating.
Imagine if a rap song said "Just out here trying to (Increase fame/wealth/accolades to increase status to increase attractiveness to others with better genetics to increase survivability of offspring*" because THAT IS ALL WHAT SOCIETY BASICALLY IS!
I will attempt to speak on this topic with sensitivity as the goal of sharing all this is to illuminate why (I think) women may make 'irrational' choices when dating men, to make men out there know that if they are rejected, it often if not always has nothing to do with them or their worthiness or attractiveness - it is likely due to the irrational subconscious and primitive programming running in the brains of women's minds....
(Obviously
I cannot speak for 'all women' but I have made the following
assumptions/theories based on conversations with friends and just my
intuitive hits/psychological research)
Women irrationally and primitively assume that if a man "rejects" her (doesn't reach out to her consistently/doesn't flatter her consistently), his genetics must be better and he is rejecting them because he has better female genetics to pursue. This makes the woman want that man even more (irrationally, of course) because she then assumes that if he is rejecting her, his genetic material must be so good he is holding out for a 'better' female, and the first woman must pursue the man who is rejecting her so she can upgrade.better her offspring's genetics by mating with him. As illogical as it sounds, this absolutely really feels true to me as to why women are drawn to aloof guys.
Though I have only had extremely nice boyfriends in my life who are extremely flattering and generous and nice and make me feel appreciated and heard, I have never been MADLY IN LOVE with any of them, in the crazy up-all-night way you see in movies. I have loved them all, but I have never felt like I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM, the way it is constantly romanticized in our sick society.
In reality, for me it is the distant aloof men who I have become crazily obsessed with - the ones who take hours to write back over text message or who don't seem to make me a priority.
When I realized I was attracted to this type of person in 2018 (after a classmate of mine who I had a crush on left me on a street corner at 11:30PM because he was 'too tired to drive me home'), it made me take a break from dating all together because I felt so utterly rejected (even though he was 9 years younger than me and extremely insecure).
I would never tolerate that kind of disrespect from anyone so I ended my brief courtship with him - but I also knew deep down there is a subconscious toxicity playing out that needed to be addressed (which I have been addressing the last 3 years while I heal myself)
I think that on a subconscious level, I was attracted to aloof and sometimes disrespectful men over "nice guys" because their apathy made me intrigued, as if their aloofness meant they have something very special that they are saving for someone else and I must figure it out.
I think women like "bad boys" because those are men they perceive as "risk takers" which would imply that from a primitive level, they would do whatever it took to protect the family, even if it was scary. (Not that a "bad boy" driving a motorcyle in modern times means they would automatically wander a cave looking for bat guano for your children to eat *PS I KNOW BAT POOP IS NOT TECHNICALLY EDIBLE BUT I AM TRYING TO THINK OF AN UNUSUALLY DIFFICULT/RISKY THING TO ACCESS FOR SURVIVAL PURPOSES) - The point I am trying to make is that I think on a subconscious level this eqution with survivability via high-risk is why women like "bad boys" (not me... anymore)
This habit of mine is sadly and embarassingly very common for women, but there is a trauma component to it that stems back to childhood for me as to why I liked "aloof distant boys" and "bad boys" (if you count a pale guy wearing a Supreme hat who has no discernible skateboarding abilities or survival skills a 'bad boy' hahaha).....
Part of this was because I did not know I could set boundaries with boys/men (or friends in general) so I only liked dating people who were "aloof" or equally loners, or even more loner-y than I was, so I never had to potentially tell them "I needed space" (since one of my greatest fears was hurting another person's feelings, since on a subconscious level I felt it meant i was no longer loveable!! I figured this out with hypnosis and plant medicine!)
Another reason I was drawn to "aloof" men is because my father was very hot and cold and I never knew if he really loved me (he would say he loved me but yell at me/criticize me in the same conversation most days) I think it caused my brain to seek out rejecting men so I could somehow "win them over" as if I was "winning over" the love from my father.
This is really sad but I think that most women seek out the relationships that mirror those they had with their father, and then they try to 'fix' the situation with their father through the men they date, unbeknownst to the men, who are likely oblivous to the woman's wounding.
What I am trying to share in all of this is that if you are a "nice guy", do not take it personally if a woman rejects you, since it usually has more to do with her own irrational beliefs and trauma, than it does with you.
If you are a nice guy, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL and you should trust that you will meet the right girl when the time is right but remember that MANY WOMEN HAVE ISSUES BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING which might be making them reject you, if that should ever happen.
(I can admit that I have been rejected/"ghosted" 2 times in my life by "aloof guys" and it felt terrible but now in hindsight, both those guys have aged terribly and had miserable-seeming lives and though I do not wish ill on them since I know I was more in love with the *idea* of them than the actual person, I still Thank God that I was "rejected"!!!
As they say "Rejection is God's protection" Hahaha!)
It should not feel like you need to convince them to stay with you. The right girl will make you feel appreciated if you appreciate her (and know that you are a valuable worthwhile person)
If you know you are a worthwhile person, you will radiate this energy outward and attract people who also see you as worthwhile.
If you feel worthless (or only worthwhile if someone else 'approves of you'/likes you), you will radiate this energy as well and this will make you repulsive, since you are energetically telling others that you are not worth anything.
It is a win win to love yourself, and you will attract people who love you, just for being you!
If someone rejects you, and you have tried twice to see them, trust that they have their own issues like I did, and move on to someone who appreciates you and has a healthy relationship with men!
Most women have unhealthy relationships with men and this means that healthy men have less options, since most women have a warped idea of what 'love' is! Regardless, this is an abundant Universe where we can manifest any type of wonderful partner we envision, so know that it is possible! You can manifest anything you want as long as you deep down believe that you deserve it, and that it is POSSIBLE! You have to 'believe it' to 'see it'
If a woman or man rejects you/acts "aloof", and you feel compelled to keep pursuing them, it shows that you are focused more on the validation of approval than you are on living in reality with that person. Life is too short to seek things which don't seek us! The sooner you move on (while knowing that you deserve love and happiness), the sooner you will find someone who is able to share this with you. It is especially attractive if you are passionate about things in life. The amount of passion you have for your goals is very attractive to others.
This is the opposite of aloofness! Passion is healthy! Aloofness is a sign that something is wrong!
I am grateful to learn all of this, for myself, and on behalf of others who may be experiencing these kinds of things secretly, since nobody really talks about these kinds of topics.
As Carl Jung said: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate"
LET US CHANGE FATE!
My mom has only dated creepy and/or unstable men since divorcing my dad (and likely before that), and because I never witnessed my mom with a stable loving person (only men who either were extremely condescending to me or inappropriately flirted with me), my mirror neurons have never quite known that reality is possible, for her or for me.
Back to the original point -- WHATEVER WAS GOING ON WITH THE WAY I PERCEIVED ELIGIBLE "DATING CANDIDATES", THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I HAVE REWIRED MY BRAIN TO CRAVE THE COMPANY OF DEPENDABLE WARM FUNNY MEN INSTEAD OF UNDEPENDABLE COLD FUNNY MEN, SIMILAR TO MY DAD.
(I was able to do this with the help of God, hypnosis, and other good habits and commitments to my growth)
I needed to envision what I wanted (healthy relationships with myself and others) to even know I could have it!
This is exactly why hypnosis is so important, as it forces you to envision the reality that you want to manifest, so your subconscious brain knows THIS IS POSSIBLE.
This is the same reason why most people who grow up in poverty stay poor. It is because their brains only know this reality, so they mold themselves to continue that reality, since it feels 'safe' (even though logically, poverty is less safe in certain ways than affluence)
I am so grateful that I am learning the tools to rewire my brain and learn healthy habits so I never pass on this type of toxicity to a partner or children.
When I have children (one day) I want to take them travelling as soon as they are old enough to walk and have the Earth be their classroom and spend most of our time in the woods going to different places.
I am so thankful to the book OUTWITTING THE DEVIL (that I mentioned in my last post) because it really does validate my feelings about the educational system and how toxic it is for children's imagination and ambitions.
I feel like I have spent the last 5 years unlearning everything that society has taught me, and I think this makes sense as to why I have felt so alienated from most of my friends, who likely think I have gone crazy.
I probably wouldn't be friends with 2021 Carlen if I was still 2011 Carlen and I am absolutely okay with that! 2011 Carlen did not know how to express her feelings and spent time comparing herself to others and gossiping and criticizing herself and others.
2021 Carlen feels her feelings, acknowledges issues when they arise with friends, doesn't rely on friends to make decisions for her, doesn't like to gossip since it is escapism and a cheap way to ignore following her goals.
2021 CARLEN APPARETLY TALKS IN 3RD PERSON, WHICH CLEARLY 2011 CARLEN WOULD THINK WAS CRAZY BUT 2021 CARLEN DOESN'T CARE! BWAHAHA
Anyway, that's all for now ~~ have a nice day!
THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING MY TEDTALK WHICH NOBODY ASKED FOR BUT ME
