Since I left MTV in 2016, the last 5 years have been all about caring for my father until his death/dealing with selling his mess-filled house, and then healing myself from a lifetime of physical and mental "illness" that I was not able to address from a time or financial place until now.
In the past 4 years, I have tried every strange modality to cure myself from a hodgepodge of diagnoses and -- as I have mentioned in previous blogposts -- I finally feel healthy and inner peace for the first time.
THIS IS MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF ALL TIME (and something I plan to help others with soon).
I have done detoxes, cranialsacral procedures, spiritual healings in Bali, inner child work, EMDR, heavy metal chelation, a variety of different types of plant medicine journeys and toad-derived 5-MEO (YES IT'S TRUE!!!) , vitamin IVs, past life regression, chiropractic adjustments, and so much more, some of which has been discussed in previous posts.
Out of everything I have done, the one thing that has healed me the most is completely free.
Do you want to know what it is?
Speaking my truth.
The expression "SPEAKING MY TRUTH" is a bit vague ("Are there more than one truths?") and also a bit cheesy/dramatic and thrown around in inappropriate situations (imagine an empowered woman with teased hair and bad breath trying to cut in line at a salad bar "I AM SPEAKING MY TRUTH SO PLEASE MOVE ASIDE, THOSE ARE MY CROUTONS!"... ps I have no idea where this idea came from as a model of "speaking *annoying* truth" but HEY, I AM SPEAKING MY TRUTH TO IMAGINE THIS BIZARRE SCENARIO OF INAPPROPRIATE TRUTH SPEAKAGE ... SO THERE IS THAT!)
It is literally (MY) truth, though, that in this past year, I have FINALLY learned tools for the first time both to be able to express myself to friends and other people on my boundaries/what makes me uncomfortable and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I have also felt like I DESERVE to have my own space/opinions even if it disappoints other people (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.)
I traced my fear of "speaking my truth" back to past lives where I was harmed for speaking up, but in more recent experiences from this lifetime in the 1900s, remembering myself as a young child and telling my father I did not like the way he treated me (perhaps around age 4) and him pretending to cry and telling me "I guess you think I am a terrible father and I can't do anything right" - In this moment I felt so terrible at the thought that I had caused my dad pain that I completely dismissed my own feelings to try to make him feel better!
This was a pattern I continued for my entire life up until this year when I finally realized WHY I was so saddened at the thought that people in my life (especially on Instagram) were triggered by my "unpopular" viewpoints on politics/the deeper agenda of things which is not made obvious from watching the news/etc - all my "conspiracy views" (which I am not even married to whatsoever - I just want to know the truth - that's it! I don't need to be right - I actually prefer to be wrong with most of my views!!!)
So it is like I have been 2 people in 1 - one is a brave comedic warrior like JP Sears who sees things differently and is perceived as crazy and doesn't care -- and then I had the other person as a very fragile sensitive flower who would obsess at the idea that someone (even a stranger on Instagram) was in any way hurt or offended by anything I said.
These 2 polar opposites were modeled perfectly in my parents -- my dad was completely insensitive and said very hurtful things to people (from strangers to family members) - whereas my mom because completely silent and would stop speaking to you if you hurt her.
Because of this, I was not given proper modelling of authentic expression (since my parents were not taught how to express themselves by their parents etc etc) AND I AM A CYCLE BREAKER!!!
I did not see healthy expression growing up so I thought of myself as either meek/safe/cared for by parents, or a monster/unsafe/abandoned by parents, which is the formula my child brain came up with and my perception of "what is normal" and this is why, I believe, I was emotionally constipated for many years.
During one of my ingestions of Indica tincture, the plant told me that all illness is trapped emotion/energy in the body. The places where the energy is trapped manifests as physical ailments if it is not let out. The way to let it out is to let your emotions move through the body as soon as you feel them, and when you feel the urge, to let out sounds and words to people that feel true.
I spent so many years being afraid that my needs would hurt people or push them away that I stored a lot of "energy" / resentment in my body which manifested as a variety of illnesses and most importantly, exhaustion.
From 5th grade to age 33, I was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED no matter what I did.
One of the reasons is from a toxic friendship I had which I was too afraid to change/end for many years, for fear of abandonment.
From 5th grade to 33, I had the same best friend and throughout our friendship, she mimicked the behavior of my father, where if anytime I voiced frustrations or concerns, she would turn the situation around and make herself into the victim and I would end up being the one apologizing. As humans, we often manifest relationships that mirror the way we were treated by our parents so this makes sense.
She and I lived together as roommates from age 22-30 and once she moved out of our apartment to go to graduate school, I felt so much better in every way, and had so much more energy.
When she would come back to NY to visit during the holidays, she would ask to stay at our old house. After my new roommate agreed she could stay in her (old) room, she was a complete mess and left all sorts of bottles/trash around the room and didn't clean it up before she left. My new roommate was hurt and said she could never stay at our house again.
Rather than telling my friend that her behavior was unacceptable, I ended up just pretending to be sick every time that she was in town - and the thing is - many times, my body DID become sick. It was like I manifested flu symptoms just so I would not be "lying" when I said I was too sick to see her.
My fear of setting up boundaries with her i.e. my fear of being brave and saying "Hey, I find you insensitive/play the victim and I feel I have outgrown this friendship and don't really connect with you anymore for these reasons etc" was SO strong that instead of doing it and risking disappointing her/feeling abandoned like I did as a young child when expressing my needs, I instead manifested actual illnesses so I did not have to deal with her and risk 'hurting her feelings'
In 2017, after taking a spiritual and psychic protection class which I have mentioned in previous posts I finally ended my friendship with this girl completely and it was one of the best decisions I have ever done, though I genuinely wish her all the best and have compassion for her as her life was not easy by any means so it makes sense she would learn to cope in the toxic ways that I was familiar with/allowed in my life because of my own trauma/feelings of undeservingness.
But this is the thing - if we zoom out from my own experience, THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE MAIN CAUSES OF SICKNESS ON OUR PLANET, ESPECIALLY IN AMERICA.
If we think about the way Americans are told to be phony/act like their lives are 'perfect'/say "I am great!" when someone at the cash register/family member asks them how they are -- we can begin to connect this with the high rates of obesity and chronic health issues in this country and it all starts to make sense.
We (and people all over the world) are taught to "HIDE OUR TRUTHS" and to me, this is one of the main underlying causes of sickness in this world.
Now with the advent of BODY POSITIVITY and CANCEL CULTURE, we are given the illusion of self acceptance and self expression but it is like cattle being herded into a very narrow metal shoot on it's way to factory farmed slaughter. These 2 things are fake authenticity to me (though that is just my truth, and I do believe there are absolutely positive things to body positivity when it is done in a healthful truly loving way). Companies that promote BODY POSITIVITY and CANCEL CULTURE as a form of activism, have a deeper agenda of selling products (like Dove brand body soap) and selling censorship under the guise of democracy, in my truthful opinion.
With the help of a new hypnosis I have been doing every day, I am so thankful that I uncovered the deep underlying memory of my father crying when I expressed myself to him - as it helped me unlock why I was so very afraid of being "canceled" or shamed for who I am and what I believe.
When I was younger, I always wanted to be friends with successful and rich people because I was extremely insecure and my mom did not have a lot of money raising me so it made me feel good about myself in a very superficial way to be around people who were "succesful" even if they were deeply miserable like most of the rich/"succesful" people I met were. This pattern however continued well into my early 30s until my dad's death when I realized that no amount of fame or wealth could cheat death or depression.
But on the topic of "SPEAKING MY TRUTH", because most of my Instagram/Facebook friends were people I met when I was still very insecure and who I perceived as "successful", this made things feel even more heightened/the stakes higher when sharing challenging viewpoints I have as it relates to health/politics/wireless radiation etc.
NOT ONLY COULD I GET 'CANCELLED'/UNFOLLOWED MY HUMANS, BUT "SUCCESSFUL" / BLUE CHECK VERIFIED HUMANS WHO ARE DEEMED "SMART"!
When I shared my voting decision back in November, I lost about 40 people on Instagram and at first I felt terrible at the thought of those people perceiving me as insensitive/"priviledged"/crazy etc and it was terrible for me as all I have ever cared about my whole life is justice for all humans, animals and plants.
It felt terrible to feel I was disappointing people and that I was perceived as a "monster"....
But this is the thing --- Because I know that I spend a LOT of time making decisions (from what shoes to buy to what ideologies I adopt as true), I know I am always doing my best to create a kind equitable truly sustainable world and because I know my intentions are good, I now know that I longer need their approval or validation!
I now know that I have the total freedom to express myself authentically - and finally attract people in my life who like me for the real me!
I am now safe to disappoint these people and it is OK if they no longer resonate with me and it doesn't make them bad or me bad.
I have no need to impress acquaintances and people who have not seen me for over 6 years who I manifested into my life from a very insecure wealth and fame-obsessed place.
I actually have no need to impress ANYONE by hiding "MY TRUTH" because I now trust that "MY TRUTH" is in me for a reason, as strong as any sex drive or need to eat - because it is part of my survival and health.
Being our authentic selves is one of the SCARIEST MOST NOBLE thing in a society that praises conformity/listening to authority/getting test answers "right" via unquestioning memorization -- and it is this authentic bravery to be oneself which is the one thing which is completely free and will lead to greater freedom (and likely financial freedom)
INNOVATIONS COME WHEN PEOPLE START WANTING NEW THINGS
INNOVATIONS COME FROM PEOPLE WHO DO NOT FIT IN AND WANT TO CREATE A BETTER WORLD
INNOVATIONS COME FROM PEOPLE RISKING SOUNDING STUPID OR IGNORANT
SAFETY IS AN ILLUSION WHEN IT IS BUILT ON HIDING YOUR TRUE SELF
I share all this to say -- If you are on the fence about being honest with others, I want to give you a loving nudge to be yourself with no attachment with how anyone perceives you.
This could be in you sharing the art you've made or sharing your boundaries with a needy family member who takes more than they give. It could be expressing your feelings to a girlfriend or someone you are interested in (with no expectation of people seeing the world the same way you do and that being OK!)
It is now safe to be ourselves. It is now safe to SPEAK OUR TRUTH and even use the expression "SPEAK OUR TRUTH"
There is one caveat though which is worth noting:::
There is a difference between being authentic and trying to force your views on other people.
There is a difference in being authentic and shaming others for not agreeing with you.
There are tools to help make being authentic "easier" and I really credit Hailey Magee and my therapist for helping me to learn tangible actionable tools to express myself without diminishing my feelings (my mother) and not exploding (my father)
One of the greatest things too with speaking my truth is not having the need to be "right" anymore or "loved" for my views being compliant with other people's views.
I would rather keep learning and reshaping my opinion when presented with more compelling information and risk being perceived as stupid/wrong/ignorant (but on the quest for truth).
I think a great and fair compromise is when "sharing your truth", remember to share WHY you feel the way you do, whether it is intuition or "facts" -- present those without the need to convince other people to adopt your beliefs.
Some would obviously say that truth is non-negotiable and there is only ONE truth; but considering the fact that scientific experiments can result in totally different outcomes with different scientists (though usually the scientist with the outcomes the pharmaceutical company wants/is biased towards is the one who gets published as "true"), this suggests that different people can draw different conclusions and it doesn't make one 'more' truth than the other.
Life is a total mystery but there is a reason we are drawn to what we love and what we believe, even if most people don't believe what we believe.
I hope you feel that it is possible for you to express your truth more.
If you remember that your truth might push people away, I hope you remember that the sooner your truth pushes people away, the sooner you will attract people who genuinely vibrate with your truth.
It is scary and brave to be authentic but most satisfying things in life are, right?
Anytime now that I notice that I am hiding a part of myself to make others like me / ignoring a conversation I know is important, my throat begins to tighten and it is like my body now forces me to be honest or risk feeling ill.
My desire for health is too great to people please any longer and I thank my body for making me know when I am on a dishonest path.
xoxo
