Why do you think you are "the way you are"?

I am learning that for me, so many of my 'patterns'/"ways of viewing myself and the world" are caused by subconscious beliefs I picked up before the age of 7.

PS GOBLIN IS SITTING ON MY LAP AS I TYPE THIS. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

I highly recommend hypnosis to uncover and heal subconscious beliefs that are no longer helpful (being afraid of commitment/being afraid of the opposite sex/being afraid of losing control/being afraid of getting rejected etc) and am really enjoying the work of Marisa Peer, who I recently mentioned as a way to illuminate these beliefs, which run the show of our lives until we stop them.

So many of my maladaptive subconscious beliefs are coming to the surface to be healed for the final time now.

Last night, out of the blue, while watching my MOST favorite show "90 Day Fiance" (LOL), it dawned on me that I have been living to "succeed" for the love and approval of other people, not for my own joy of creating. THIS IS WHY IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO FINISH THINGS, BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO CONSIDER WHETHER EVERYONE ELSE WILL LIKE SOMETHING INSTEAD OF MAKING SOMETHING FOR THE JOY OF MAKING IT/LISTENING TO MY DIVINE INNER VOICE TELLING ME WHAT TO MAKE, FOR CREATIVITY'S SAKE!!!!

I believe creativity is the gift from Our Creator for us to share joy through ourselves, as our lives and our art.

It is school/societal conditioning which tells us there is a "right" way to live/create - and I am so thankful I am FINALLY REALIZING I DO NOT HAVE TO BE "RIGHT" ANY MORE TO BE WORTHWHILE OR WORTHY OF LIVING ON THIS PLANET.

I can make things that I WISH EXISTED, and if anyone likes it, it is A BONUS. I have to trust that whatever I wish existed might be helpful to others, but I do not need to think of 'what other people will like' as my first priority anymore.

I TIRELESSLY TRIED TO "PERFECT" WHATEVER I WAS WORKING ON SO AS TO ENSURE 'EVERYONE' LIKED WHAT I DID WITHOUT EVER ASKING WHETHER OR NOT "I" ACTUALLY LIKED IT.

Having taken the last 4 years to go inward like I have to focus on healing myself for the first time in my life, I have felt a certain shame as if I am no longer 'relevant' or 'useful' since I retreated from society, attended Spiritual Psychology school (which is hard to explain to people because it is such a vague study), admitted I am very different from most of the people I attempted to fit in with, and rebelliously grew out my "funky ba

ngs" (ps they are back as of last week though)

Did I tell you the story about my experience having artsy bangs as an "undercover outcast person who hates art/culture/concerts"?

(said in an elderly voice as if I am telling a story around a blog campfire)

I transferred to Oberlin College, which was listed "the #1 Hipster school in North America" (LOL) and did an experiment as a Junior in college where I did not have "artsy" bangs and then Senior year, I did have bangs - and I am not kidding, people treated me COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY. It was part of my fascination with the commodification of individuality (bangs/vintage clothing as a way to show "Look I am different" even if everyone around me is the same way)

I am NOT KIDDING when I say that in my Senior year, after I did my hipster doofus experiment (thanks to a free haircut fro Bumble & Bumble), boys came up to me who walked me in the past, and would say "Hey, are you new here?" 

It was honestly so insane to me and it really shows humanity's need for tribal belonging. Bangs are the same as brand names, as Irish kilts with unique plaid patterns signifying family regalia, as skin color, as religious garb. 

Everyone is trying to categorize other people as "one of us" or "the other" and physical appearance/clothing choice is how people still make sense of the world (the superficial ones, at least!)

Please watch THE MERCHANTS OF COOL on PBS. IT IS SO GOOD,

One thing I will mention is that before I transferred to my college, Oberlin, I took a secret sneaky photo of a tall blond boy I thought was handsome in a classic hipster doofus way (tall, vintage plaid shirt, posturing totebag, Keds or some other flat canvas shoe with no arch support, you know the type hahaha), and then forgot about taking this photo - and then once I transferred there, I started dating a boy (who my mom called "the possum" because she thought he looked like a slinky shiny tall rodent) and I found the photo and I HAD TAKEN A PHOTO OF THE BOY I WAS DATING WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT.

I feel like I wrote about this once before but it was really such an exciting shock to me and one way I accidentally used the Law of Attraction (I made an 'accidental vision board for what I wanted to manifest')

Once, another boy at college made me a treasure hunt all throughout the library which was so exciting because I had to climb into the library ceiling to get one of the steps, and the last part of the treasure hunt was an invitation to dinner. That boy was extremely romantic but I did not end up dating him for long because I had a strange feeling about him - and my feelings were validated when I found out that he slept with a friend of mine in my comedy improv troupe around the same time he made me that treasure hunt. I remember feeling very mixed because he was such a funny, kind person so I did not feel that mad at him - but also knew my instincts were correct to be wary of him.

I still loved doing the treasure hunt and it's interesting to remember it is possible to choose not to completely view someone as "good" or "bad" - he was neither "good" or "bad" - He was just a human being, like me.

This boy could have done his best to be a loving, generous person but also had a wandering eye - and I can appreciate him as he is without making him right or wrong.

This concept is something that seems lost on a society which is plagued with "cancel culture" - I think it is insane to think you have to 'cancel' someone entirely because you do not agree with one action or statement they do. 

I actually don't think cancel culture is that big of a deal or rampant - it is just made to seem like a "big deal" by the media so we all voluntarily censor ourselves for fear of ostracization.

I don't really care about being cancelled by anyone who would cancel me!

Oh! I used the term 'wandering eye' and that reminds me - I also dated a boy at college named "Lazy Eye" because he had a beautiful Lazy Eye and once he took me to a Harlem Globetrotters basketball game in rural Ohio with a bunch of SUPER COOL HIPSTER KIDS and everyone had bangs and my insecure-self felt FINALLY COOL and that week, I was listed as "One of the top 10 prettiest girls at Oberlin College" which was embarassingly, honestly one of my greatest achievements in my Ego-mind at the time. 

(Most girls at Oberlin had moustaches and kombucha breath so it wasn't that great of a contest hahahaha but for me, it was quite exciting)

It is so funny to me that our appearance and clothing determines how people treat us - and it is something WE CAN CONTROL AND CHANGE AT OUR WHIM.

 Sometimes I don't even feel like a girl - I feel like I am just a soul in a girl costume and even when I go into women's restrooms, part of me is like I CAN JUST BE HERE AND THESE PEOPLE THINK I AM ONE OF THEM.

(I often feel that way about being a human, in general - I do NOT feel like a human at all - I feel like I was just dropped off here and am attempting to fit in - which is very 

When I was in highschool and in dressing rooms I would tend to stare at women's chests as they changed just because it is really mesmerizing to look at breasts and I would think to myself "Haha, they think I am a girl and would never stop to wonder if I am watching them change!"

As I write that, it probably sounds like I am bisexual or something but that secret ogling I did is beyond sexuality - I just loved to look at people's bodies.

The more repressed society is - and the more things are hidden (nudity) - the more exciting it is to see it at any chance, even if it is an elderly obese woman in a TJ Maxx communal dressing room.

This is why, in my opinion, in Middle Eastern countries, there is the highest rates of pornography viewership. The more you repress something, the more exciting it is.

This is the same with emotional repression as well. The more you repress emotions, the more they will come back like a slingshot in the form of rage, or the manifestation of physical illness, since stored repressed energy can materialize in the physical form.

I heard an expression like "illness is the body's uncried tears"

Of course, there is genetics at play, and environmental toxins, but I absolutely believe that trapped emotions are one of the greatest cause of illness, and why America has such chronic health issues like it does.

This is a society of repressed people. Luckily, I got out of that lane!

OH! I forgot to tell you my epiphany from last night which I started to share before I got derailed by my other exciting thoughts:

I was watchng "90 Day Fiance" and in this episode last night, this really Midwestern tech nerd goes to Kenya to meet his online bride/soon-to-be wife in a small village and I had the strangest epiphany while looking at all the people in the beautiful village background of the show, walking through the village, smiling and looking at the main characters as they awkwardly walked down a road together: 

My epiphany was:

Most people don't have big drives of "success" and "fame" - they just want to enjoy their lives and have families and eat good food and have fun. They don't try to impress anyone and they don't have to - and neither do you, Carlen. YOU CAN LIVE FOR THE JOY OF LIVING NOW.

It was such a simple but profound realization that I have been attempting to be "succesful" / do "BIG THINGS" as a way to impress other people and have them think I am "relevant" and, deep down, have them love me.

But now I do not have that drive and I have the RIGHT to not be on this Earth to impress or entertain anyone.

I could literally move to rural Tennessee and gain 200 pounds and only shop on Amazon Prime for sweatpants and my life is just as "well lived" as if I kept attempting to make something significant and famous.

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO USE THIS EARTHLY EXPERIENCE.

Of course, it is best to be helpful and live a life where you bring joy and love to other people/animals, but at the end of the day, IT IS EVERYONE'S RIGHT TO LIVE HOWEVER THEY WANT TO - AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

I have the RIGHT to live however I want and I do not have to impress anyone and NEITHER DO YOU. We are all going to die and there is no immortality through fame, even if it seems that way.

We are all going to be washed away this is a reason to truly start enjoying your life and doing whatever you want to do because this life is truly a gift, even if it sometimes seems like a nightmare.

Perhaps this epiphany that I do not "have to be succesful" may sound odd or obvious to you but for me, it was literally life-changing and my friend and I paused the show and I cried for about 20 minutes and felt a shackle of energy come off my throat.

I am so grateful to have a friend who I can cry with for 20 minutes.

Besides George, my wonderful friend Robyn is the first people I have met since moving here four years ago that I can consistently vulnerable with and be completely myself with (not just funny/the "helper" all the time with)

I am so thankful for this plot twist of staying with her right now, during this strange time of history.

We are going to do a fun photoshoot for Valentine's Day as a way to love ourselves and I am honestly so excited because I have been repulsed from my physical form for 4 years and not wanted to be on camera or do anything until now. And now I know it comes from a celebration of my body and not because I need to prove anything or post on Instagram or anything like that.

I am excited to live for me now!