"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" is one of the assigned readings for the course I am taking and wow, geeze, I am learning so much about myself ; all my attempts at perfectionism (UP UNTIL NOW), and even my tiredness throughout life, and ADD, were products of Complex PTSD, which is discussed in this book.
I have not ordered this book yet, but watched a bunch of clips online so far to begin! Wow!
I am so thankful to be studying the 4Fs - Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.
I realize now that out of the 4Fs (not the secret 5th one, Farting), I was completely "Flighting" in my attempt to leave California out of fear.
I am also learning about the concept of an emotional flashback, which is the situation where emotional memories (the feelings, not the visual memories) are re-ignited unknowingly when we are faced with issues in the present, so everything feels even more intense than it 'logically' should.
This makes so much sense as it relates to social media and the absolute shame I felt when someone wrote anything negative about me. It literally put me in a trauma response that I am 'not safe' - even though I know 'logically' I am...
I was in an emotional flashback from when I was bullied as a child, and I was not aware of it or why it all affected me so much to have literally only 2 random strangers berate me for questioning the pandemic's handling. Even just those 2 comments made me feel frozen in fear, and I know it is because it re-ignited the fear from being a child and being physically bullied at school and NOT having anyone to protect me.
Everything is starting to make sense even more than ever, ahhh!
We are all coping through life using the tools we learned as children, when often times those tools are no longer helpful to truly enjoy life!
I realize that until this moment, I have actually never allowed myself to feel safe because I have been in a hypervigilant state stemming from bullying, my father's temper, and a feeling that there was nobody there who could stop it.
I chose to "Freeze" (another of the 4Fs) and hide in my room literally and figuratively so I would not have to face danger.
More than any other theme, I now realize I attempted to do things perfectly in ALL areas of my life or had the siren-alarm-style feeling that I wouldn't be safe.
I realize even NOW, I have been doing this, even in my attempts at all my creative pursuits (even my website)
Even writing this blog aloud has been such a brave and 'unsafe' thing for me to do, since it is the OPPOSITE of perfectionism (and I admit questioning long-established narratives like evolution or 9-11 or all the other zany topics I choose to think and write about, which I am sure is the stuff 'cancel-culture-dreams' are made of!)
Now, I am the one to realize I am safe and the only true critic is my inner critic, which only exists as a way to keep me safe.
Can you relate?
I really feel like we are all really committed to doing the world of self-healing so we do not continue cycles of abuse.
If you feel the same way, you may really enjoy the books recommendations from my course.
I am sure some of these 3 books are available on Youtube if you are not in a position to get all these books!
Here is a beautiful Human Bill of Rights written by Pete Walker, which is lovely.
I feel so blessed to finally learn this all now and hope this helps you too!
