Last night I had a 2 hour FaceTime chat with my ex boyfriend from way long ago - who I am still close with - and in our discussion, I thanked him for all the romantic emails he sent me in 2011 and I mentioned to him that he is one of the only people I am still in touch with from pre-2017; before I began listening inward and believing in 'illogical' things like God and a wariness to believe what the news tells me to be afraid of.

I asked him if in our relationship, if he could tell how out of touch I was with myself and I asked if he was trying to 'save' me and he said yes; and I realized that most of the dynamics I have had with male friends/partners was their desire to 'save me' when now, I no longer want or need that, which makes most of the friendships I had purposeless/lopsided, since many people who want to 'save' me don't know how to interact with me now that I have saved myself.

I asked my ex boyfriend if all my old friends think I have "lost my mind" and he said "Honesly, yes". Of course I wanted to know more and he admitted to me that my very close friend (who, ironically, was the person who was MOST MY SAVIOR in my 20's and early 30's and responsible for 'accidentally' giving me a full dropper of THC, which is what thrust me head first into my 'downward' or 'upward' spiral of healing) said "I am very worried about Carlen." 

This made my heart sink even though it is exactly what I believed could be the perception of me , especially from this specific someone who doesn't believe in any of the things I believe in (and thinks Flouride is great for your teeth) ; regardless, hearing that this friend "is worried about me" (yet never reached out to me in such explicit terms) feeds into the insecurity I have already had most of my life that I am "crazy" or "broken". The beautiful irony is that this is the sanest I have ever felt.

BWAHAHA

The people-pleasing part in me wants to convince everyone I am on their level but the authentic secure part of me knows that it is unnecessary because everyone is in their own reality.

The part of me who relied on unhealthy caretakers would rather believe that "yes, it's true, I am broken" than question the sanity/ways of perceiving the world of those who I deemed 'saviors' (whether it is my parents or this friend, in particular, who - out of all my friends - was my biggest protector and like a big brother, with incestuous moments at times)

Hearing that this person thinks I am "crazy" really made me sad as it validated the insecurity I have had all my life of "being crazy" but in a way, it is perfect medicine to be misunderstood and realize that I do not have to prioritize their perception over me, over the truth I know inside myself.

The still inner voice of my consciousness told me 

"People don't dislike you, they dislike the way you make them feel" 

(which also goes for people 'liking' you) 

It isn't YOU as an organism or personality they like or dislike per se, it's what you bring to them in their reality box. 

Do you validate their reality or make them feel loveable (by validating them or their reality?) 

If not, they will probably not like you since your differing reality makes them wonder if they should question their own which leads them to deeming you crazy because it's easier that way (and vice versa, in most cases, unless you are open to changing your mind)! 

It is a very rare person who is curious about someone with different views, rather than critical.

I try to remember the fact that I love myself more than ever, 

....and I also know that I can keep myself safe, far more safe than any friend or relative ever could. 

I also know that anything I have ever believed is the best information I had at the time - and that I always act for the betterment of humanity, which is often at odds with the disempowering victim messaging of our educational and media system where you are taught to trust everything outside yourself, especially authority, and people who have lengthy academic backgrounds (ignoring the fact that academia is plagued with bias in favor of the industries and corporations who fund most educational institutions ie. the pharmaceutical industry).

I know what my intentions are when I share challenging information, and I genuinely always do like to see other people's perspectives, even if it momentarily makes me feel personally insecure to see what I believed as no longer valid.

That being said, what is really feeling more and more true since beginning the course I am enrolled in is the fact that I was unhealthfully trying to convince everyone of my beliefs in order save everyone else and the planet at large, while ignoring myself.

I am no longer going to try to save everyone, or convince anyone I am right or even lovingly persuade anyone of anything.

I don't need anyone to believe me in order for me to be a good person or safe any longer. I can keep myself safe and know that is really my only responsibility - even if it didn't feel that way as a child.

During my phone call, my ex boyfriend told me that his friend had been 'cancelled' after attending a Trump rally, (who is also a musician I really enjoy musically) and it really is so fascinating to me that in the "tolerant" Left's goal of unity, they use censorship as a tactic for false unity. (unity = bullying people with different viewpoints into submission/self-censorship so pain festers underneath instead)

How does this cancellation stop racism? How does this stop sexism? I think people doing the "cancelling" are acting with good intentions - thinking they are proving that 'they do not stand for violence' (by proxy) and trying to send a positive public relations message to their audience that they are "taking action" - but to me, it just pushes any sort of opposition underground, which is even worse, in my opinion. 

When the Civil Rights movement happened, do you think all those racist people just stopped being racist? I doubt it - they just turned overt racism (drinking fountain segregation etc) into institutional racism, where it was more covert. (ie. food deserts in low income areas where people cannot access healthy food and drugs are the substitute for physical energy and only obvious way towards trauma healing) 

I really appreciate Malcolm X's discussion here; it feels really relevant to right now. 

I remember being taught in elementary school that Malcolm X was "racist against white people" - that was literally the ONLY thing we learned during Black History Month at my very well-regarded Upper West Side Manhattan elementary school. 

What does that tell you?

We are taught to villanize anyone who makes us question our systems, whether it be Malcolm X, or anyone - because the people writing the educational system ARE the system.

We are taught to eat garbage foods and ignore exercise and our feelings and our hearts, and only learn history and moronic useless skills, because we are being trained to be automaton (what a fun word, right?)  

I trust that it is my sensitivity which woke me up to all of this, because it was all too uncomfortable to ignore!

Obviously I do not know anyone's experience besides my own, but this is the way I see the world, and I am always learning and wanting to understand the world.

Speaking of seeing the world, I really feel like people are living in different Dimensions. 

My friend and I were discussing this morning and it dawned on me that people are really living in their own realities. I thought about the fact that the word "Dementia" suggests a person out of touch with reality; but in a way, we are all suffering from "Dimensia" (haha, do you like it?) where we are all out of touch with other people's dimensions/reality as truth. 

We are all walking around in our own dimension's survival bubble of 'what is real' 'what is right' 'what is wrong' 'who is bad' 'who is good'

I don't identify in any political party but it is just so fascinating what is happening in America - yet as I know, I am in the stage of finally focusing on myself instead of collective healing.

My focus now onward is being compassionate to others while first and foremost, healing myself so I am a part of the Earth's healing, rather than looking outwards for things to make any sense.

Nature makes sense. The sky makes sense. Most things make sense. But if you look at media, and social media, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of ostracization and fear and I want no part of it.

That being said, I want to be OK with people disliking me, and I know this is only possible when I know I am safe to be who I am, even if I am a pariah or social outcast.

I stopped posting my viewpoints on social media in November because it dawned on me that I did not like that role at this point of my life. Plus, most of my friends on social media are people I met in 2017 and beforehand, when I was only living to please others, personally and creatively.

However, my goal in life right now is living as authentically as possible and this is why I am taking a course on living as a sensitive person - so I can have the fine line of seeing nuance and subtleties and lies of society, and calling it out, without fearing persecution for seeing things differently.