Once I began to see roads like neural pathways, I see how I have been stuck in the literal and figurative 'groove' of unhealthy neural pathways which don't get me to my destination as efficiently as new ones I haven't tried yet, out of fear of the "unknown"
It's amazing how driving has been such a metaphor for me, especially as a Manhattan native who didn't learn to drive until 2 years ago. (I still don't go on the highways)
When I was a child, my dad would have many panic attacks in the car or yell at my mom or me and it was like this metal moving prison on wheels. He would smoke red Marlboro cigarettes with the windows closed, while driving on the Jersey Turnpike, which is one of the most creepy industrial places on Earth, with the worst toxic smells anywhere I have ever experienced (even with the windows closed)
I remember my grandfather (on my mom's side) yelling at me for getting my arm caught in the window - and as I have mentioned, my grandmother (on my dad's side) and my dad would get into horrible yelling fights in the car, where my dad would threaten to kill himself.
Basically, the car was a place of violence to me, which has taken years for me to heal, and which has given me more mental and physical freedom, the more I heal.
I resented the fact that I didn't know how to drive, and would often date or spend time with boys who were confident drivers, so I did not have to ever deal with it. George drove me around for 2 years even though I realize he hasn't had a driver's license for over 10 years, which is a metaphor of me letting other people take the reigns in my life who are even less qualified than I am (even though George is an excellent wonderful calm driver, and never yelled or seemed stress)
I may have mentioned that last year, my driving abilities grew exponentially when I went to my chiropractor and he told me I had a lot of trauma associated with driving (and he could sense that the cigarette smoke of my dad while driving as a child is what made me especially repulsed by cigarette smoke as an adult - how interesting!!!!), He also determined on a structural level that my left side of my body had difficulty turning/responding mentally as quickly as my right side, so he adjusted me and I felt drastically better and more capable of driving.
That helped a lot!
I also realized in driving, like in real life, I cannot go out of my way to be selfless, and let people go before me at a stop sign even if it's my turn, because being selfless stops the flow of traffic for everyone and causes more harm than good.
I also realized in driving, like in real life, everyone's behavior is not personal. Most people are in a rush and in their own head, and if they honk at you, it has nothing to do with you, but their own frustration at having a few seconds of their time 'robbed' by your attempt at being cautious/slow to turn/etc. You cannot take other people's behaviors personally.
I used to have a driver's ed teacher who was extremely condescending to me and would ask me to stop at McDonald's or Starbucks so she could get a coffee. I did this a few times and then it started to feel like she was taking advantage of my time and I stopped working with her. Before that, I had gone through 2 other driving instructors who were both mean men who yelled at me. I needed these 3 experiences to finally stand up for myself - which I couldn't do to my dad - and then I never had another mean driving teacher again. In fact, the most recent driver's ed teacher I had was an extremely calm Hispanic man who was training to be an herbalist and very complimentary of my driving.
It shows that we attract what it is we need to heal, and we will do it over and over again until we finally heal or stand up for ourself.
What I am learning from the course I am taking is this 'spiritual coincidence' of attracting difficult experiences of the same kind over and over has a neuroscience explanation in addition to a spiritual karmic one. Our 'sensory gates' of our brain only let in 'relevant and familiar stimuli' into the hippocampus, which means we are drawn to things and dynamics which are familiar from when we were children. We attract what we viewed as "normal" (even if it is toxic) - There is a lot more to this topic than I can write about in this one paragraph but I am learning so much about neuroscience now, which I NEVER learned in college (how obvious though!) I am loving the course so much, which is for Empaths, but I think it could help anyone!
Speaking of being Empathic, last night my friend and I were talking about sushi and I decided to look up what 'imitation crab' is - since it is a popular ingredient in sushi (which I don't eat, of course) and it is made of a fish called Alaskan Pollock and dyed red to look like crab. I laughed because I felt so bad for this poor Alaskan Pollock fish (ps I never liked the artist Jackson Pollack) that is killed and then dressed up as another species, as if it needs to change it's identity to have value.
WHO IS THIS POOR FISH BEHIND THE VEIL OF IMITATION CRAB? Why can't we celebrate this fish for who he is instead of dying his dead body red and calling him "imitation crab"? Why can't he be "real Pollock"?
What a sad life to end up as an Alaskan Pollock, swimming valiantly in the water with dreams of spawning and algae, to end up as gas station sushi, being declared "imitation crab" and then at the end of the night, the gas station attendant throws out the expired sushi because Who Is Buying Gas Station Sushi anyway?
What a terrible short life for this poor fish who is loved for living a lie!
This weekend I talked to 5 different friends (my friend Laura in Amsterdam, my friend Cindy in China, my ex boyfriend Josh in LA, my friend Kaitlyn who lives in an area called Orcas Island, and my friend who I live with at the moment) and I am reminded that I really do have lovely friends who understand me and care for me as I am, and who do not view me as "crazy".
All the people from my past are in their own realities and I thank them all for the roles they played in my life, even if I will probably never see any of them again. It's so weird that social media gives you the feeling like you are 'seeing people' but the majority are people you will never touch ever again, in your whole life.
I am so thankful to have friends where I do not worry about being 'weird'. It is a new stage for me to let people in and see me fully and I am so thankful to have taken this risk, and on this blog, to show myself fully, and trust that the people who are meant to see it will, and the people who are repulsed can go find things which validate their reality. Thank you for being here with me.
I hope you know you can be yourself too! You will not die for being yourself, even if it feels like it sometimes! If you haven't already, try it! The sooner you alienate the people from your past, the sooner you will find your new friends. The only way this is possible is if you have a constant unwavering love for yourself that no matter who "abandons" you for your beliefs/reality, the sooner you will find people who love you for YOU!
Give yourself a rose
