As I have touched upon more and more recently, trauma is something that most people experience early in life and is something that, if not addressed, can keep you afraid of having new experiences, even if they are good for you.
Our bodies/brains are always working for us to cope with whatever life situations we are given; our brains will repress memories until we are able to face them. Our bodies will become sick when they want us to slow down to face whatever it is we are avoiding, whether that is grieving or resting after a stressful period in our lives. This is why people often get sick on vacations, because the body has been waiting for an opportune time for us to get sick in a place where we don't have as many demands on us.
Basically our bodies are genius and always working to keep us alive, even when it feels otherwise.
This week, I learned via Facebook that my beloved friend George is now dating our nextdoor neighbor - the same one who was extremely loud and who I had George go over to ask her to turn the music down. When I saw that George was in a relationship with her (or at least, announced it on Facebook) it made my heart feel incredibly sad, as if he does not think I am "the most special girl in the world" as he would say to me on a daily basis while we were friends.
There was a big part of me that told myself "Carlen, it's not a big deal. You and he were just friends for the majority of your friendship anyway and haven't kissed since 2018 when I decided it was better we "just be friends" (partially due to his non-showering cave-sleeping lifestyle). You don't have the right to be upset." and "Shouldn't you be happy for him? YOU'RE the one who moved out!" "This girl needs his love now and you have outgrown the codependent dynamic you were in - you should be happy for them!"
By me dismissing my own feelings, they kept festering below the surface and I felt exhausted and sad. It was only in Breathwork, where my therapist asked us to sit still with our feelings and let ourselves feel the insensity of our feelings that I finally embraced the texture of pain I was feeling over this new development.
I felt the feelings of sadness, jealousy, abandonment, naivety (does he just like ANYONE in a .2 mile radius?), shame, rejection and literally, the feelings felt SO BIG that I had to lie down in a fetal position.
I can honestly say that this is one of the first moments in my life where I actually FELT my feelings. And it FELT HORRIBLE.
I can understand why people write songs about heartbreak and drink and do all sorts of things to numb these feelings because I recognize how terrible it feels now.
I think this is actually the first time in MY LIFE where I have actually felt my feelings fully.
It was horrible.
But guess what?
Now that I have let myself feel the feelings fully, and felt horrible, I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
According to my therapist, a felt-feeling can not physically last for more than 90 seconds.
However, an unfelt feeling can be felt under the surface for your WHOLE LIFE.
It is like the equivalent of taking disgusting medicine OR suffering lifelong with some kind of illness because you don't want to go through the discomfort of the medicine.
I believe, due to childhood trauma, most children believe that their painful feelings will either be shamed/punished OR last FOREVER.
I used to believe that if I ever started crying I would never ever stop, and I believe this is a very common thing. We grow to be afraid that our feelings are bigger than us and will never end.
I am here to share that I am finally learning that feelings DO END once you FEEL THEM FULLY.
We are given absolutely no roadmap to feeling things in our society.
We are only given the OPPOSITE - millions of ways to AVOID feeling our feelings fully. (television/phones/social media/movies/boring school + work/job responsibilities)
I believe deep down, MOST people like myself are truly afraid of feeling the depths of their pain, for fear it would kill them or be too much to handle.
Once I felt my feelings this past Tuesday, it was proof that I "did not die" like I feared deep down.
When I lived in Manhattan, I remember taking a cab and it having a television installed in the backseat - that you couldn't turn off if you wanted to. I thought about all the people taking a cab home from their job - who now have an opportunity NOT to process how much they hate their job, because now they have yet another moment when they can be distracted/pulled out of their feelings.
The problem with constant escapism is that your pain has to go SOMEWHERE. Until you let it out, it will fester under the surface as exhaustion/discomfort. If you try to bury it further, it can manifest as physical and emotional dis-ease (the lack of ease in your body).... The pain is like diarrhea - imagine if you didn't let diarrhea out and it had to fester in your body? Pain is like non-physical diarrhea that you are clenching to keep in your body.
We have not been taught how to feel our PAINFUL feelings (especially in America) and to me, this is one of the reasons why Americans suffer from heart disease (a broken heart may partially be to blame ontop of lack of exercise and poor food choices)
As I have shared before "the body cries out in illness when we don't cry our tears". I believe this more and more especially now that I am living proof of someone who feels so much better after feeling HORRIBLE for a few weeks, feeling my feelings, since learning about ComplexPTSD.
Last night I had a wonderful phonecall with my Aunt (my mom's mother). She is the only family member I have who I truly felt safe and connected with. She has always had mysterious illnesses since I am alive such as Lyme's disease/chronic fatigue/brain fog. I told her about ComplexPTSD and she said she probably has it. It's interesting because she is in her 70s and currently dating a man who is "very nice to her" but yells constantly at the television; whether it's the news or "cowboy movies" (which she says he likes to watch all the time - similarly to her father - aka my grandfather)
I told her how when you have childhood trauma, you are more likely to seek out "familiar" traumatic people in your life as your romantic partner because "that felt safe" as a child. She said that her current boyfriend is identical in personality to her father, and she really is in awe how similar they are.
This is nothing to feel ashamed of - it is our brain's attempt at "keeping us safe with the familiar" (even if the 'familiar is terrible)
I bring this up because I believe THIS is what is happening on a large scale.
People have been traumatized since birth so trauma and unsafety feel FAMILIAR AND "SAFE". Repressing memories and feelings feels "safe" so people do it - and it leads to illness and dissatisfaction. Trauma keeps people from Believing a Safe/Calm Life is Possible because it isn't familiar.
This is why the Law of Attraction works - because it is the first time where people can shower their brain in positivity and begin to pursue better things for themselves....
We have been programmed to believe that poverty/war/violence is "normal" so when we are presented with something "peaceful/safe/calm" , we become suspicious that it is "too good to be true" and therefore, unsafe and unwanted.
This is why people stay in situations they are not happy with.
On top of that, because people are scared to feel discomfort, they don't want to SIT with the discomfort of feeling the fear of trying something new.
We are taught to avoid pain at all costs - just in the same way, we are taught to numb our feelings and to take pain relievers at the first sign of a headache.
We must remember that birth involves discomfort and that is actually OK. (birth is a lot less uncomfortable if you have a home birth while squatting/standing up)
Movies and television always depict birth as a horrible experience and to me, this is traumatic subconscious programming to tell people - especially women - that "creation (of people/ideas) is painful" and "you might die if you listen to your own instincts" so you need to make sure that an "expert" is there to "approve of your movements/behaviors"
Women have been giving birth for millions of years without hospitals and men in white lab coats just fine - yet now modern society tells women that they have to have birth a certain way. Lying down is one of the most illogical things you could ask a woman to do who is trying to push something out of their bodies. It doesn't make sense from a physics perspective. Just imagine if you were constipated and trying to poop. You would most likely be squatting and using gravity as your friend.
I bring up this random example to share that humans are unnecessarily (and intentionally) traumatized since birth so life "feels hard" from the beginning - and children grow up to feeling like the world is a traumatic/dangerous place (if they do the "normal" things like watch violent movies/attend schools with emotionally-illiterate teachers who shame children for doing things "differently") This is amplified if you have parents who work jobs they don't like and/or don't have enough money to properly support themselves and their families. When children feel like their parents can't provide for them, this is an intense trauma that can manifest in children growing up to believe that wealth "is not possible" because it was not "normal" for them in childhood, and therefore "wealth is unsafe"
In other words, I believe "normal society" sets people up to be traumatized so they do not easily change the power dynamics running - where we have been told to "listen to authority" or "get in trouble" (experience shame/alienation/poverty/intense fear).
What is it that you are most afraid of?
Is it possible that you can sit for 90 seconds and feel how horrible this feeling is?
Some tips are to:
go into nature or a closet where you won't be disturbed
let your greatest fear/anger come to mind
let the feelings fully wash over you while remembering that they will NOT LAST FOREVER - NOT EVEN MORE THAN A FEW HOURS
hit a pillow with a tennis tacket or wiffle ball bat
punch a pillow
yell at the top of your lungs
shake your body
Because feeling pain is so 'foreign', all of these suggestions might feel embarassing but that is EXACTLY the intention of the traumatized "rulers" of society; to keep you locked out of your pain so you keep trying to fill the hole of your sadness/pain through what THEY have to sell you - more and more products and movies and food and other addictions to constantly fill the hole.
I believe that the reason social media is free - and HD televisions are unusually cheap - is because these products are intended to sublimate people's fears/pains/aggressions into Dopamine Addiction, instead of being bored enough to DEAL WITH the underlying pain.
If this concept is intriguing to you, one thing you can do is keep your phone off for the night and only turn it on when you actually need it.
Just by having the phone off, you can connect more with the discomfort of yourself and this connection will help you process your pain just a little bit more which is helpful if you are someone who is constantly running from your pain/discomfort.
Unless you are living under a rock (cue joke about George), you know how helpful meditation is supposed to be. I confess that even though I "know" how helpful meditation is, I have had problems doing it.
I know I am not alone in this.
Well guess what? Yesterday was the first time I have meditated for over 15 minutes. EVER.
Do you know why I was able to do it?
Because I finally allowed myself to feel the horrible feelings I had been avoiding the day before.
Nobody really talks about the HORRIBLE FEELINGS you may feel if you begin meditating and I think that people don't know how to deal with these feelings so they avoid the opportunity of meditation/feeling bad all together.
Meditation should be branded as 'hard work' because it IS, in a society/culture that is constantly stopped from feeling their feelings.
Most people don't want to deal with those terrible uncomfortable feelings festering under the surface (and likely there since childhood) so they actively avoid ever pursuing meditation or claiming "it doesn't work, so why bother?" and go back to swiping on their phones and staying constantly busy with superficial things.
Plant medicine helps in that it stops you from bypassing your emotions and forces you to sit with them and process them. I don't believe all people "need" plant medicine to do this, but if you have a hard time sitting in meditation, you may need that extra container of plants to keep you present with your discomfort - in a medically-supervised environment with someone who can keep an eye on you to make sure you are safe/feel protected.
I think if meditation was branded differently "HEY, GET READY TO FEEL HORRIBLE FOR 90 SECONDS BUT THEN FEEL CALMER THAN BEFORE" it might be more appealing to people because they wouldn't feel like "there is something wrong with them" for feeling awful, when meditation is currently branded as some serene-looking rich bald man who goes to Burning Man and happy as can be.
When I was meditating yesterday and sat through the initial horrible discomfort, I finally felt like an open vehicle to my higher self/God's messages and I kept stopping to write notes because I had so many ideas come to me:
(THESE NOTES BELOW WERE WRITTEN IN JUST 18 MINUTES OF MEDITATION YESTERDAY!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I LET MYSELF SIT EVERYDAY??? WHAT WILL YOU THINK ABOUT ONCE YOU FINALLY FEEL THE DISCOMFORT OF THE PAIN *YOU* ARE AVOIDING????)
Enjoy my inner-thoughts::::
I believe S&M is so popular because it is like people are finally outted as being the bad boy their Inner Critic tells them they are instead of trying to pretend they are good all the time. They are sexually excited because they feel like they don't have to 'pretend' to be a Good boy/girl anymore. S&M is an indication of the sexual shame people feel and they only feel they can be sexually free if they are "called out" as "bad" (which their Inner Critic says to them all along)
People don’t like meditation because if they sit still long enough they will feel the pain they have been surpressing with busyness
Meditation is supposed to be painful
How painful it is is a great indication of how much pain you are ignoring
Feeling it is horrible
A lot of people like myself avoid meditation because of this.
Renaming meditation. “Sitting with yourself” in your own garbage
Until you feel the feelings they will wait Around like rotting garbage
Look forward to pain and rejection as a sign of growth .
You’re going to feel horrible either way - from avoiding the pain. Or from feeling the pain en route to your dreams
-
A Scene in comedy club
Me on stage.
Me as an identical twin as my inner critic standing in the audience next to the ONLY man in the audience who is not laughing
INNER CRITIC: (pointing to the one non-laughing man) “I told you that you were stupid. See!” See this one man!! He is the right one. Everyone else who is laughing is wrong!"
—-
People keep their house messy or avoid things that are trivial so they don’t have to face following their dreams and face the inner critic
If you had to type in Amazon credit card Info over again you wouldn’t buy as much because you’d feel the money fears come up which are bypassed by Amazon somehow
You’ve been made to dissociate from feeling the fear of doing things as if it shouldn’t be that big of a deal or you are a sissy wuss "fraidy cat" so you avoid any situation where you are that afraid
Instead of letting the fear take up space you avoid the chance of feeling it - by learning to suppress it you never got to learn that it dissipates the more you feel it - like tears end when you let them come up
It ends and then you can move on
Feel the fear in it's full intensity and only they you can move on.
-
A diagram of an onion with rings and the life dreams are all the center and superficial tasks are at the surface and you avoid them so you don’t have to face the possible rejection of the inner circles
You don’t do this consciously
-
I put the “student driver” sticker on my car and it makes me feel ok because if someone sees I’m a student they will be nicer to me and also it takes me off the hook for being an expert
What if you could internalize this kind of bumper sticker “student of life” like if you make a mistake on something you can say “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I am trying my best” . “I didn’t understand. I am new to this”
--
When the teacher says “are there any questions ?” There is an inner shame if you do have questions as if you are not as smart as anyone else
-
SCENE
A teacher using chalk - writing some useless formula
“Are there any questions?”
“Yes, how does this contribute to my life?”
--
SCENE
Imagine the cabal saying “what is the most boring thing we can put in the school curriculum to make this child never want to learn anything again ????”
—
We don’t even let ourselves feel the full extent of our fears because someone shamed them or minimized them “it’s not a big deal” “stop crying” “you’re fine”so we don’t want to be in a situation where we feel that afraid again
—-
This could be why people watch horror movies - it’s a way for them to let their fears run but in a way that is not personal. Or angry combat movies are a way to run their anger that they can’t express at their personal bullies but they can at movie characters
—
Let yourself feel the fear in its entirety
We don’t want to feel the feelings of shame that arise when we feel fear so we avoid things that might make us truly afraid
It’s less the experience itself we are afraid of but the fear we are afraid to feel which proves we are weak...
We don’t want to disappoint they early caregiver who has been formulated into our inner critic. We learned we had to abide by their rules in order to stay safe so it makes sense we carry this on into adulthood where it works on the subconscious level
Allow yourself to feel the intense terror of making a mistake
Allow yourself to feel the intense shame of making a mistake and the intense embarrassment of being looked at as wrong
--
—-
In Agape, remember the song every Sunday was :
“Use me”
[Agape was the church I went to every Sunday for 3 years until it closed due to the Pandemic ; services are now online but it is not the same frequency as being there in person]
--
Every time you create you are letting God use you as a vehicle for his ideas and it is satisfying for you to have them come through you and you offer value when you share them just like everyone offers value
You would not have to live off the ideas because that is already taken care of through nature which supplies so easily for everyone
What you want to share is icing on the cake but it’s truly satisfying to share it and see other people derive joy from it
I am an instrument of God and now I am listening to my intuition which is God
THE END
Those are thoughts I had within 18 minutes of meditation. Let's see what happens today!
Will you try meditating too? It's okay if you feel horrible like I did. It's a sign of progress!
I "dare you" to try!
You can download the app "Insight Timer" for free and listen to whatever nice meditation music you want!
That's all for now....
Oh, also my friend and I discovered there is a female ghost living in her room from the 1800's who makes noise at night. I heard it while my friend was away and told her I heard "noises" that did not seem to be a wild racoon or mouse but something spiritual - Last night, my friend was able to hear it as well and asked to connect with the spirit causing the noise. The spirit began to appear more clearly to her in her room and is apparently wearing a blue dress and her hair is in a bun and her name starts with an A and might be Antoinette (?) My friend told me this all this morning and I jokingly told her that if I have to pay rent, the spirit needs to start paying rent too or get a job as a tourguide in Disneyworld as some 1800's historical figure if she wants to keep living here. We shall see how that plot develops :D I hope my friend can help release the spirit or guide it to wherever it needs to go. OTHERWISE TIME FOR GHOST RENT. (just kidding)
IN CONCLUSION, life is so weird and more magical than we are taught.
