I had envisioned driving a few hours South to San Diego to attend 2 meet-up events that I want to go to (1 at a goat farm for aspiring homesteaders; another for "conscious awake people" at a vegan restaurant in San Diego, which sounded 80% intriguing 20% pretentious) - but both of these events are 2 hours on the freeway and I am still intimidated because of how overstimulating it feels to be going 70MPH in a moving metal box with wheels surrounded by other drivers who might be on their phones and watching Youtube videos....
I honestly feel like freeways are so primitive compared to the technology we could have, if sensitive people planned society.
If I were planning society, besides the many other things I would do - I would completely overhaul our roads/transport system. I would have cars on a flat magnetic metal train track and you type in your address and the car takes you on your designated train track to where you have to go. It would not need computers or artificial intelligence beyond the type of technology we already use on Google Maps, where you type in your "start" address and "end" address.... Obviously, many people like myself would not want to feel "stuck" having to commit to their initial plan, so there would be a way to "cancel" your trip and change destinations, without being tracked or monitored...
If you wanted to drive "off road", you could somehow unhinge your car from the metal track and use it to go in the woods or whatever you wanted to do - but when you're on the freeway, you are connected to the track....
Your break and your gas pedal would be on your steering wheel and the glass of the windshield would have UV protection and polarization like on sunglasses so you never get sunburned. You could also add low-EMF solar panels to the roof of your car so you could use that energy to heat up the car, and possibly power it.
Car lanes would be much wider than they are now, so there is enough room for people to park on the sides - and designated bike lanes where bikes would never have to ride around cars and enter the road.
Even though I love bike riding and appreciate when I see people riding their bikes, I find bike riders SO ANNOYING in Los Angeles because they have this seeming-weird sense of entitlement like "I DON'T CARE WHAT CARS ARE DOING. LOOK AT ME, I'M A GOOD ECO-WARRIOR" and have no regard for drivers and will whiz in front of cars.
This is probably an annoying projection on my part and honestly, not their fault - it is usually because a car is double-parked in the bike lane; but in my fantasy society of CAR-LENVILLE there would be much wider roads so this would never happen, and everyone would have enough space.
What I feel is lacking in society in general is SPACE. I feel that sidewalks should be wider and roads should be wider. There should be clean public restrooms every mile that don't involve buying anything to use them, with non-flouridated water and organic handsoap.
If homeless people began congregating around the bathrooms, there would be a daily bus ride to a homeless shelter that offered trauma-aware therapy, organic healthy meals, plant medicine, and medication as a last resort. As I mentioned in previous posts, I honestly believe homeless people are some of the most sensitive traumatized people on the planet, and I feel a completely different approach could finally help them.
My friend George had a joking-sick idea that one day a terrible mayor of Los Angeles will offer a "solution" to Los Angeles's homeless issue; that the mayor could offer homeless people a very twisted opportunity; that they can have unlimited drugs/alcohol/junk food paid for for an entire year in exchange that at the end of the year they would have to be euthanized, to clean up the city. Obviously this is NOT what I think (or George) but it was such a genius evil idea that I am sure would be possible if someone lacked total empathy.
On that note, I can't believe it isn't obvious to people that we are living during a time of intentional depopulation from all angles! It is honestly so genius, in a maniacal way!
Sterilizing GMOs, sterilizing EMFs, sterilizing radiation, poverty, stress, abundant porn to help people sublimate their desire to reproduce into something warped, an agenda to de-masculinate men through Atrazine and messages of "toxic masculinity", birth control for women which manipulates their hormones - sometimes permanently, telling women to focus entirely on their careers instead of family as "success", and obviously the most recent development - the "jab", which is already having significant effects on female menstruation, even just being around people who have gotten "the jab". (this has been "debunked by mainstream news sources but I intuitively believe the 100's of women who have claimed that their periods are irregular and/or pregnant women experiencing miscarriages since getting the jab and/or being around people who have...)
It is so obvious to my intuition that a surreptitious depopulation is the agenda here! But in a way, it is all pretty genius if it is true - because it is a very slow "benign" form of eugenics taking place, where people are doing "what they want" and using "free will" to make the choices to sterilize themselves (like eating GMO popcorn at the movies), instead of being told "hey, we are going to sterilize you, and you must submit" - People would be outraged if they were told they were being sterilized, so I honestly admire the eugenicists running our society for doing it in such a gradual multi-prong approach.... IT IS GENIUS IN A REALLY EVIL WAY! WELL DONE, CABAL, WELL DONE!
ANYWAY PLEASE EXCUSE THE TANGENT - BACK TO MY DREAM WORLD
In CARLEN-VILLE, there would not only be an overhaul of roads - there would be amazing libraries every 2 miles that have cafes and auditoriums so people can read and then discuss books and have authors speak at the library and have book-signing.
There should be huge edible gardens every mile that are tended to by people who live in that zipcode and everyone can share the profits, like a food co-op. Everyone who wanted to be involved could do a 1-hour shift tending to the garden, and in exchange, get a month worth of food.
There would be cooking tutorials so everyone could learn delicious healthy meals and have guest chefs each night.
Everyone could have a health analysis so they know what constitutes a "healthy" recipe for their personal biochemistry. There would be free doctors offices every 2 miles where people could come in for a health analysis and chiropractic exam and be told what would help them, based on their individual genetics/biochemistry/symptoms.... They could use RIFE machines or PEMF machines to increase their energy levels...
There should be huge parks where kids can run around and take classes on useful things like gardening and non-violent communication and expressing oneself, and meditation, and building a house, and learning woodwork/carpentry/philosophy and cooking healthy recipes.
All of the city plumbing would be replaced with non-toxic pipes (perhaps copper? but that might leach too much copper into the water) and water would be cleaned before entering the faucets, so it removes all impurities, metals (and no flouride is added).
There would be highschool proms every Friday night in each zipcode where people could go dance and socialize and meet each other, in a 1 mile radius. You wouldn't have to pay to attend and you could wear really fun costumes and learn fun dance choreography each dance.
Every 1 mile radius would be a building where you go in to yell and punch pillows and get out your anger in a healthy way; which is based on the concept "Primal Scream Therapy" - which I genuinely am going to go visit, if it is still in business....
As the founder of Primal Scream therapy stated: ""The number one killer in the world today is not cancer or heart disease, it is repression."
After learning more about the role of trauma in my own life, coupled with the efficacy of breathwork and plant medicine in accessing the repressed energies that I have carried in my brain/body until now (as I am curing myself!), I absolutely resonate with this as true.
SPEAKING OF WHICH...
Yesterday I went to my beloved chiropractors office and did 3 different modalities.
One was called Biofield Tuning, which involves using tuning forks around your body to strengthen your auric field. I worked with a wonderful healer who is a woman in her 70's who also experienced ComplexPTSD (apparently a lot of people know this expression!) - and she told me how Biofield Tuning helped her so much to heal from her own childhood trauma.
It was really an incredible experience of using tuning forks at different frequencies around my body, and even putting them over my eyelids and third eye to activate healing It was such a wonderful experience that I am going to buy my own tuning fork, at the sound I liked the most.
I had done this once before, in November 2019, and it was totally different than yesterday's session. In the first session, the practitioner told me that each year of our life is like rings on a tree, and she used different tuning forks to access each year of our life and heal the discordant frequencies associated with trauma for that particular year. I know it all sounds "crazy" but it felt amazing and that's my priority.
In yesterday's session, we helped remove the fear from my root chakra using tuning forks and it absolutely felt so empowering and energizing.
Of course, this sounds completely "unscientific" but what is science anyway?
I think there should be a poster that says "Trust Science" with an image of Dr Josef Mengele to shut people up to blindly assuming "MD-credentialled" doctors are always right/working on behalf of society, but I don't feel like making this poster but you get the point I am making.
ANYWAY, I also did a proper chiropractic adjustment from the other chiropractor at the office which helped tremendously. He is the chiropractor I have gone to the past to do this incredibly weird but helpful practice of putting a tiny balloon up your nose to expand your Oxygen-intake capabilities. It is called Cranial Facial Release and you can hear more about it here. (This is not my chiropractor's website but just a source of information I found online)
It is AMAZING and it truly does restructure your nose in such a way that breathing is effortless and your sinuses open up. I highly recommend this practice, though it absolutely feels very strange. He told me that I did not need one of these balloon sessions so we just did a regular adjustment, which is always so amazingly helpful.
I also saw the main chiropractor at the office, who is in his 70's and owns the entire practice. He is one of the most unusual men I have ever met; He is extremely tall and very strong and works 6 days a week and rides horses in Malibu and is very blunt in everything he says.... I told him that I am ready to move out of Los Angeles but I am still feeling a lot of resistance to riding on the highway/having new experiences...
He looked at me and did kinesiology on me and he exclaimed "You have a Hal"
"A what?"
"Did you ever see 2001 Space Odyssey, Carlen?"
"No, I haven't"
(Of course the answer is no, as you saw on my last blogpost listing the very few movies I have ever been able to sit through!!! WEEKEND AT BERNIES I ON THE OTHER HAND, I HAVE SEEN 42 TIMES! REPLACE "HAL" WITH "MR LOMAX" AND NOW I COMPREHEND...)
My doctor explained that since childhood, I have had some kind of negative programming operating in me, that tells me that new experiences are not safe for me. He did some more kinesiology and determined that the negative programming is located in my left adrenal and it pumps adrenaline at any opportunity where I have something "new in my life" and tries to shut it down however it can to "keep me safe" (it is trying it's best)
As weird as this sounds, it very much resonated as true, so we worked to speak to "Hal" and give it a new job. We told it that we don't need it anymore, and that I am now safer following my dreams than listening to Hal. It was such a surreal but amazing experience to speak directly to this negative programming and tell it thank you but we don't need it anymore.
What provoked this conversation however, was very strange and frustrating. When I went in to see this particular chiropractor, he asked me if I was working these days. I told him that I was not, but that I had a lot of things in the works which I am finally excited to release. He seemed nonplussed and asked me if I wanted to become the new receptionist at his office - which, although flattering - was equally something I do not want to do as a 37 year old, making $17 an hour, which is what he said the starting rate was.... I also never want to sit in a chair for long periods of time, unless I am working for myself or outdoors.
He asked me what it is I am working on and/or want to do for a living.... Honestly, that is such a fun timeless question when someone asks you. If I were to answer truthfully, I would say that I want to have enough passive income through real estate, stocks, or cryptocurrency to ever think of a "living" as my source of income/survival; but in terms of "what is it that I want to do"; I want to be a comedic public speaker who discusses the role of environmental toxins and trauma in mental health.
When I honestly answered "I want to be a public speaker on health and write books on the role of toxins in health and do films on the topic" he unemotionally said, "That sounds unrealistic. There are so many books about that topic already and no jobs for filmmakers now anyway; the mainstream doesn't want to hear that. You should get a job working here."
When he said that, my body filled with rage and I said "Excuse me. I come here to get my back adjusted. I don't come here for you to attempt to deflate my dreams so I feel insecure to take a minimum wage job getting you Diet Cokes all day [he literally drinks Coke, which is a funny detail for such a holistic doctor]. Sorry but that's not why I am here. How dare you tell me that my dream is unrealistic. I appreciate your insight but you honestly can't claim to know what's best for me since you adamently told me NOT to try ayuhuasca and it has been the most profound healing I have ever had, so please do not offer me the counterproductive advice of telling me to NOT follow my dreams...."
He looked at me, shocked and said "I see you have a lot of rage in you. Let's work with this. OK you don't have to work here. We are throwing that out. Let's work with this rage."
I noticed my hands were shaking and it was honestly such a weird scenario, where I legitimately feel like he was intentionally and consciously provoking me to see how I would respond. It was so weird and twisted but in a very odd way, it felt medicinal because I got to stand up for myself to a man, which is something that I am clearly trying to heal after really diving deep into my childhood recently.
He told me that deep down, I haven't believed in myself enough to pursue all of the big dreams I have; and I agreed with this.
He told me he was trying to help me , and the whole situation was very weird but when I look back, a day later, it strangely makes sense. He was trying to bring up my rage, to access it, and make contact with it. He said that this rage is the "Hal programming", which doesn't believe in myself and wants to keep me "safe" and in a very limited range of motion. What a weird way to summon my rage! It worked!
He told me that it is clear that I want to speak to an audience in whatever I do; but that deep down, my parents did not make me feel like I was very "interesting" when I was a child.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.My dad especially did NOT listen to me or find me funny. He NEVER went to any of my standup comedy performances and always told me I should work in advertising or my jewelry company. He never encouraged me in film or comedy and the sickest part is that I came to the conclusion that my dad was jealous of the attention I got, as a child/young adult, since HE was "the comedian", not me.
My dad was so sick and twisted that he legitimately felt competitive with me and did everything he could to squelch my desire to be a performer... I brought this up to my mother last week and she agreed, saying "he absolutely was jealous of you"
Isn't that sick?
When I think about it through the lense of trauma, it makes sense because he learned at a young age that his loveability was dependent on him being a joker/entertainer (he said that during childhood, he would make jokes to his bullies so they stopped beating him up/became a comedian/etc)....
Perhaps when he saw that I was getting the attention from my mother, he felt like he was getting "less love" somehow... This is the only logical explanation I can give...
Anyway, my doctor told me that when little girls are growing up, their parents should look at them like princesses and celebrate all their authentic expressions. He told me it was clear that my parents did not do that, and it had put in a negative program that "nobody really wants to listen to me" or "if people get to know me, they will discover I am unloveable"
I am embarassed to say it, but deep down this IS what I have believed my whole life...until now.
I think back to the seeming modesty I have expressed in this blog/my social media when I address my readers/viewes to say "Hello my ONE reader/story viewers"....
Though I am "joking", this kind of behavior on my end comes from a deep insecurity that nobody really cares what I have to say and/or I will say the "wrong thing" if a lot of people were to listen to me....or that I "make no sense" and that everyone secretly hates me and wants me to fail.
I admit that this IS how I have felt, which is why doing this blog is such a vulnerable exercise for me in sharing my absolute authentic self, without trying to "please" anyone or "seem normal", which is clearly too late if you are still reading this long...
This deep insecurity of mine - that I don't feel loveable for being my true self, he argued, was why he wanted me to do the Biofield tuning - to help remove this level of inward rage that is counterproductive.
When I saw the Biofield Tuning practitioner, she told me that he must really like me if he was to offer me a job there; but that she could imagine how strange that interaction would be... but that he is always trying unique ways to help clients and works 6 days a week for this reason.
I genuinely believe he was trying to help me - but obviously, it was a really strange interaction.
It IS possible, that were I to speak publically on all the things I discuss on this blog/other things I haven't mentioned here, people WOULD be bored like my parents were. His worst case scenario of "people NOT reading my books" could HAPPEN.
People COULD think I was crazy or "too much" like my parents did.
The majority of people might NOT understand me. Sure, there are tons of books about the connection between environmental toxins and mental health - he is absolutely right.
BUT BUT BUT that does not mean that I should not pursue it just because it has been done before.
I do not strive to have massive appeal anymore; and so even if I were to reach a very special niche of people, perhaps yourself included, that's all I really want. To share my authentic self with those who resonate with my authenticity.
I honestly don't care if millions of people like me anymore; I don't NEED the majority of people to listen to me.
I was laughing about the fact that millions of people watched the HORRIBLE television show on CBS called "The Big Bang Theory"- I remember when I saw billboards for that show in 2015, that was the moment when I knew I WAS AN ALIEN ON THIS PLANET; that my way of thinking/existing is clearly SO DIFFERENT from mainstream mindset. Hahaha have you ever seen this terrible show with it's stale laugh track and beta male characters who look like they would all have sex while wearing masks???
I would literally rather get 14 vaccines in a row than have to sit through an hour of the CBS comedy "The Big Bang Theory" or it's spin-off show "Young Sheldon."
The fact that these shows are popular - or other shows like "That 70's Show" and even "Friends" (all horribly boring shows in my opinion) - is a testament to how clearly different I am in my mode of thinking/sense of humor from most people's way of thinking....
BUT THAT'S OK. It doesn't make these shows BAD and it doesn't make me GOOD and vice versa.
To each his own...
Somehow, the interaction with my doctor was medicinal in itself because I am realizing more and more that I DON'T NEED TO BE "SUCCESFUL" IN A MAINSTREAM KIND OF WAY.
The biggest awakening during this pandemic is seeing just how clearly differently I think from most people; and just like many other people awakening, we are finally realizing that is not only OK, but GREAT. Our uniqueness is what is SAVING US from blindly following a plan not for the betterment of humanity.
Something the Biofield Tuning Practitioner said which I found interesting is that "Empaths" are usually products of childhood trauma because as children, you learn to predict to our caretakers facial movements and behaviors as a way to adapt and avoid harm. We learn to predict when our father might have a rage-filled tyrades;
In otherwords, "Empaths" and "Highly Sensitive People" are essentially survival mechanisms to avoid pain... I do believe that neurological sensitivities/heightened mirror neurons can be genetic; but I absolutely agree with the theory that my status as an "Empath" is a product of my childhood, where I literally felt that my survival was dependent on feeling into other people's energy/molding myself to please others so as not to be the target....
I would argue then that "Empaths" are the ones who are drawn to "conspiracies" most likely, because it is US who is noticing the dishonest facial expressions in those who we are told are authorities. I am sure there is a huge connection between childhood trauma, empaths, and those drawn to "conspiracies"....
Regardless of "what is true", now, more than ever, I am unmolding myself to fit anyone else's perception of me or to satisfy anyone else; this blog and all the strange directions it has gone in is a testament to me exercising my authentic free will to share my true self, instead of trying to be "useful" or "entertaining" like I did in all areas of my life...
I no longer need the "Hal" programming of molding myself to anyone else; I no longer need "Hal" to direct me to "play small" as a "source of survival". I no longer have to try to fit in or "trick other people into thinking I am loveable.
I AM loveable and I deserve respect for who I am, just like everyone else.
Now I am giving that love and respect to myself and treating myself as the loveable princess who deserves constant love/protection instead of expecting anyone else to provide this.
This is one of the most revolutionary acts one can do, while also refusing to tolerate disrespect from myself and others.
