#CurrentMood

For the past 2 weeks since learning about CPTSD in the course I am taking, it feels like I have the wind knocked out of me. I have gone 3 days in a row without leaving the house and wearing sweatpants and forgetting to take all my vitamins, which is very unlike me. 

It is really so fascinating to me how much this information has deregulated me but in a way, I am honestly excited as much as I am scared.

In January, I made a list of what I want to experience in my life by next December and they are all very big external goals and I know that I needed to face all this hidden subconscious wounding in order for me to take big risks/experience the unknown.

Because I never felt protected growing up, I fear the unknown even today because I still feel like I am at the mercy of someone surprising me with their rage and/or dumping their emotions onto me at any time, if I am to do anything the slightest bit "wrong."

I have always looked to other people to tell me "what is right" and I realize, more than ever, this was a protective attempt to avoid punishment and abandonment, which happened often, from different family members, without rhyme or reason.

I realize I have walked on eggshells in most of my friendships and took on the role of "helper" or "entertainer" since those were the 2 roles that got me a feeling of approval from my parents, who I now see more than ever, were so traumatized from their own childhoods that they could never give me a sense of safety that I longed for, unless I felt like I was serving a function in their lives...

I honestly feel a lot of grief coming up because I wish I had learned all of this sooner; but I don't think I could have handled it.

I ordered a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and have been reading it non-stop since it arrived yesterday. I took a break to go on Instagram and post for the first time in a month, since I know that other people can benefit from learning about CPTSD as well, and also as an exercise in sharing myself in a digital room of peers, some of which who are the very ones who I fear judgement from. 

Perhaps you saw my Instagram yesterday but maybe not. 

I honestly hate looking to see who "looked at my stories" because there is always someone there - usually someone I deem as a "societal success" such as a director/famous model/blue verified checkmark person' who I knew back in New York, and it makes me worry that they are judging me as 'crazy' - but I know that part of my liberation will take place the more I put myself out there and see that "I didn't die" and I am projecting my own fears of abandonment/craziness onto anyone who I potentially care about.

It's crazy to me that the people who compliment my Instagram are people I have never met; while the people who I have known for years don't even bother to say anything to me. I think it makes sense though, because I met them all at a very developmentally stunted place, and perhaps they are still in the same place where I came out of, and that's ok and I must accept that they might not understand me since I truly have changed so much since I left New York 5 years ago.

I realize that I have always been the "encourager" to my parents - celebrating their art and comedy and meanwhile, never really feeling like I could have my own moment of celebration.

The one night when my film, The Color Wheel played at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music) to a sold out crowd, my dad had a stroke. I am not saying he did this intentionally to take the wind out of my sails, but in a way, it felt like it. 2 years later, when I finally spoke up to my dad and told him I needed a break from him, he had another stroke and went to the hospital. He left me a voicemail message saying that "my distance is what is killing him" - Do you see how horrible this is? Of course this gives the message to a child that their anger can kill. How fucked up is that?

The book I am reading talks about a concept called 'emotional incest' which, from my understanding, is when you make a child take on a level of emotional intimacy that is not their responsibility. 

I realize that is absolutely the dynamic I had with my parents. They told me everything yet I felt like I never had a childhood or could ever be "needy".

 I have always felt so ashamed anytime I told my parents I was dating someone as I felt like they thought I was cheating on them. Of course this is not their 'fault' but it just shows how emotionally enmeshed we were, especially with me as an only child, and from my child-mind understanding, my parents only source of connection, since both of them decided to live alone, and had no truly close friends my entire life.

When I was a child, I used to tip toe down the hallways to try to barge in on one of my parents masturbating. It came out of my own shame and embarassment at them catching me at age 7 masturbating, on the rug in the livingroom; and I wanted to catch them and make them feel the same shame I felt. 

I felt shame less about my sexuality/"sexy feelings" as my parent called it and luckily had no religious upbringing to shame me as "sinful"; the shame I felt came less from feelings of "sin" and more of the fact that in a very bizarre way, I felt ashamed like I was cheating on my parent with ... myself. 

In no way am I suggesting that my parent molested me; but there is a feeling I have now that our relationship was not natural.

When I was a child and my parent put me in therapy, the therapist and my parent could not understand what was "wrong with me" and why I was so anxious. It was a horrible experience to be told that my anxiety made no sense; and I felt more alienated in therapy than had I never gone. 

I used to actually wish I would have a repressed memory come up of being sexually molested by either my father or uncle or camp counselor or babysitter, or anyone else who made me uneasy, as if it would something finally give me the sympathy and protection I longed for, that I didn't feel I was receiving, since I was "only" experiencing emotional neglect and abuse. Even as a child, I understood that physical and sexual abuse received more attention than emotional abuse; which is a feeling I still identify with, though luckily I am finally taking my own concerns seriously now that i feel I finally have permission.

As a child, I wished that someone would take my anxiety and concerns seriously instead of acting like I was over-reacting, which is how I have felt my whole life. Even now when I tell my parent all the progress I am making or the course I am taking, they looks at me over FaceTime, well-meaning but blank-eyed, saying "that's great" and goes onto talk about their new screenplay or something else which has nothing to do with me.

As I know now, it is not my fault. I am a captivating loveable interesting person but there is a part of me that still believes I am too sensitive and over-reacting - and honestly, MAYBE I AM APPARENTLY BORING TO HER?, which is why I am so intent on healing all of this so I can achieve all the big external dreams that my soul longs for. 

PS I KNOW I AM NOT BORING BUT THAT IS THE FEELING I HAVE WITH MY PARENTS.

I can't even believe I am writing all this on a public blog where literally anyone can read it, but it feels necessary and it is all true.

I know the risk of abandonment by my family and friends I potetnailly face at the way I have been so honest on this blog, but I have to do this. I can no longer abandon myself or hide my experience any more.

I literally cannot hide ANYTHING anymore and perhaps it is a sort of rebellion on my part, for having hidden everything for so long, as a way to make everyone else more comfortable, at my own expense.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, with my bunny Goblin cuddled in my arms, I had the message come to me: 

"I won't see any of you again but I will see myself in the mirror everyday" 

and 

"Adults who try to control other adults are the most afraid"

I got out of bed to go find my phone to write these down in the notes section and then went back to sleep.

I received an email from my teacher in the Empath*ology course I am taking, saying that Week 3 is officially starting today and she knows that we are all feeling intense and resistant, at everything we are uncovering.

It is almost humbling and insulting to my "identity as a unique person" to know that I am at a developmentally expected stage of awakening right now, which my teacher is expecting for all her students.

In a way, I liked being the "unexplainable crazy person" whereas now, I am realizing that "everyone in my course is feeling dysregulated/emotionally resistant to doing the work/exhausted"

It is funny to finally 'belong' in such a weird way.

That's all for now. TGIF, Y'ALL! :D