Last night, such a bizarre and divine thing happened.

My computer alerted me over and over again to the fact that I am almost out of storage space, and when I went to see what I could erase, I immediately stumbled on a video I accidentally filmed on my phone, which I did not see until last night since the day the event happened.

In the video, which was Thanksgiving 2018, I was verbally standing up to my Uncle for yelling at me, my mom, and my grandma. He was upset that my cousin (who he hates) was invited to Thanksgiving, and he was yelling so loudly it felt like daggers. 

In the video, I asked him politely to stop yelling and to my response, he threatened to kill himself and then left the house. He then went up to my cousin, my aunt, and her 3 children and told them they were assholes. (Can you imagine saying this to children? What kind of sick person does this? What kind of person tolerates this abuse? A traumatized person, that's who)

In the video, after my uncle storms out, I told my mom, grandma, and my grandma's caretaker that this kind of behavior is inexcusable and that nobody has the right to speak to any of us that way.

That night, my grandmother's caretaker quit - and though I never spoke to her, I hope that what I said about not tolerating disrespect propelled her to leave.

It was a horrible experience but it was so important that I watched this video last night - because I now have immortalized proof that I can stand up for myself and I have immortalized validation that I have come from a traumatic family.

I watched this video about 3 times and I thought about the fact that nobody in my family ever stood up to behavior like this except me; and as a child, I always thought behavior like this was somehow my fault, since nobody seemed to step in and say it wasn't my fault.

My dad, my uncle, my grandparents ALL yelled this way, almost everytime I saw them.

I could never predict when they would have an emotional outburst or tell me I was stupid or yell at me or my mom in some way.

It was so scary to be a child, and especially because nobody seemed to act like this kind of behavior was a big deal.

Of COURSE I would grow up to fear being yelled at and be hypervigilant and develop OCD to feel a sense of 'control'

It is starting to make more sense everyday. 

I feel God put that video in my awareness yesterday as a way to say "See , Carlen. You really are not 'making up' how traumatic your childhood was...." and also, can we talk about the fact that I accidentally filmed the whole thing?! 

How incredible is that. 

I thank God for having the footage because, though it is upsetting to watch, it is a reminder of the truth - both that I have abusive family members with mental illness (aka I suspect my dad, uncle, and grandfathers have the Fight version of CPTSD - due to their own traumatic childhoods)

I remember my aunt (who I have a very special bond with, who has NEVER yelled at me) telling me that my Uncle developed a facial tick as a child whenever my grandmother would go to play golf and leave him alone after school. 

I believe he developed this because of the abuse he experienced from my grandfather and did not know how to feel safe when my grandmother was gone. This is why he lived with my grandmother his entire life - as a way to feel safe from my grandfather (even after my grandfather had died), and safe from the world. He still lives in my grandmother's house, even though she is dead. He has never moved out, and is constantly anxious. To me, this combination is a glaring sign of a developmentally stunted and traumatized person.

When my uncle learned my cousin was arriving, he was probably in a trauma-response where he felt like my grandmother was not going to care for him as soon as my cousin arrived, which is probably how he felt his whole life, as a 'mama's boy - which my father also was (and lived with my grandmother until her death) - and equally would threaten to kill himself in front of me if I ever expressed myself.

 When my grandmother 'visited me' during my most recent plant medicine journey on February 28 (my grandmother died in 2019), she told me that she loved me so much and that she was disappointed with my Uncle. She mentioned that my Uncle hated me and mainly my cousin because she got most of my grandmother's attention, which my Uncle was jealous of.

She said that she did not like the way my Uncle - who she lived with - treated her when she was close to dying. 

She said that in a way, it was her fault because she wanted to raise emotionless children because she was disconnected from her emotions, but that she saw it backfired at the end because my Uncle was unempathetic with her and her needs, and did not listen to her. 

He discounted her emotions, and she said she realized that this is not the way to go through life. 

During the plant ceremony, my grandmother also told me that my Uncle mainly hated my cousin (my aunt's daughter) because she 'asked for her needs to be met' (asking my grandmother to buy her a car, etc) and that my Uncle was so jealous because my cousin was a drug-addict who dropped out of highschool and STILL got love from my grandmother, whereas he felt like he had to be perfect to be loved by my grandmother, - and meanwhile my cousin was taking drugs and still getting cars and money from my grandmother.

Basically, his hatred at my cousin (and me) was a lot deeper than it appeared on the surface. It was jealousy.

I learned to stop asking for my needs to be met, and it is only through having friendships now do I realize that it is okay for me to have needs; it is okay for me to take up space; it is okay for me to expect respect and no surprise yelling.

You can look at the video I am referring to in this post, which I have decided to post to Youtube - if you feel emotionally comfortable.

As I mentioned, I accidentally filmed it on my phone, so it is focused a bit crooked, on my grandmother's caretaker, who quit that night. I hope what I said gave her the motivation to quit. 

If you look at it, you will see that my grandmother and mother are unphased by my uncle's behavior, which is exactly how the dynamic in my life was the whole time - where I was made to feel I was "over-reacting" by thinking that my family members actions and behavior were scary, since nobody else was doing anything.

It's interesting because my grandmother was deaf when my Uncle spoke to her, but could hear me on the phone perfectly. I have many recorded phonecalls with her, all about her experiences, and how I was the only relative who understood her. I am sure I will upload these somewhere one day.

I think that selective-deafness was my grandmother's way of protecting herself emotionally from my Uncle and grandfather. 

Our bodies are amazing at helping up cope. Our bodies are brilliant and I want to honor my grandmother, and myself for figuring out a way to cope through life with abuse around us. 

I am so grateful to be away from any abusive people and to be truly healing, and realizing that other people's abusive behavior towards me is INEXCUSABLE and NOT MY FAULT. 

You can watch the video I am referring to here. I am setting it to Unlisted on Youtube - but I feel it will make more sense for you to see my family's dynamic - but warning: if you are easily triggered by yelling, you may not want to see it.

When I looked at the tape of my uncle, I decided to go on his Facebook (we are not Facebook friends, but he is set to 'public') and the crazy thing is, he seems like a somewhat normal person. He thanks people for birthday wishes and does seemingly-normal things. I know, via my mother, that he recently had Covid after getting the vaccine...... (no comment)

If you look at my uncle from a distance, he seems somewhat normal and maintained a job for 40 years and has since retired (likely a millionaire since he had no expenses or relationships his whole life, but who knows)

However, if you know him, you know he is emotionally unstable, and literally lived with my grandmother his entire life (until age 67) and never had a girlfriend or moved away from my grandmother. 

I believe he became asexual due to the trauma he experienced from his father (my grandfather) - who was equally verbally abusive to him, and me. 

Asexuality is one of the signs of CPTSD arnd it happens when you do not feel safe in your body, or safe with the touch of another person.

In some ways, I became a bit asexual and have avoided a serious relationship, since deep down, I did not trust men - and feared being yelled at (and this video is one of the reasons WHY) 

I have gone for years at a time without even so much as kissing anyone and the only people I have dated are extremely short term - and are all "non-threatening" - extremely thin, gentle, and feminine artists, comedians + musicians - except for my first boyfriend who was a very feminine janitor who had never kissed anyone before, haha. (I don't think any of my ex 'flames' would even take offense to this comment, honestly, haha) I know me pursuing this "type" was my way of subconsciously avoiding being yelled at ever again the way my "manly" (cowardly) family members yelled at me.

I am grateful to say that the men in my family were the meanest to me of any men I ever met. Actually, NOBODY was ever as disrespectful or scary to me as my family members. I take comfort in that, in a weird way. As a child, I assumed the world would be as scary as they were, when actually, they were (thankfully) an anomaly, except for my abusive Kindergarten teacher.

What is so annoying about having abusive family members/traumatizing people around (among many reasons) is that their yelling/behavior is NOT PERSONAL, especially when you are a child. 

They often times have NO idea the type of damage they do to young children, and meanwhile, they forget all about it hours later - and the person they inflict their loud voices/behavior upon.

That's almost the best/worst part - people can be mean to you and you can internalize it for decades - consciously (or mostly, subconsciously) and say 

"What can I do to avoid this kind of treatment? "

"What did I do WRONG to deserve this kind of treatment?"  

"I must deserve abuse"  ...

and develop all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as avoiding ALL conflict/intimacy/etc, and meanwhile, the abuser has no idea that their behavior affected you this way, or for so many years after the experiences.

Last night, I really let myself feel the terror and rage I felt at my uncle, my father, all my horrible relatives for their behavior towards me and other people.

I spent so many years thinking I was 'too nervous' but when I look at footage like this, I realize that, actually, I was responding in logical ways to unsafe environments, where nobody stood up for me, as you can see in this video.

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR ESCAPING THE ABUSIVE DYNAMICS OF MY FAMILY, where I was unprotected for so many years.

I am so thankful to my therapist, and learning about the world of Dr. Peter Levine and the concept of "CPTSD, and the course I am taking, and most important, to my inner-courage for pushing me forward to heal this deeply, instead of assuming 'there is something wrong with me'

NO.

There is nothing wrong with us; we are all coping with toxic environments in the best way our little beautiful bodies know how.

If you are an anxious person too, there is a reason. And it is not your fault.

One last thing I will mention is that right after I watched the video last night, an amazing black and red bug flew into my house through an open window and landed on my mirror. I was in the middle of crying and picked her up and it reminded me of a LIGHTNING BUG, which is not indigenous to this area, and an insect I miss from my childhood.

At that moment, I felt this instant-feeling that this bug was my grandmother, coming to visit me and be with me as I cried; as a way to tell me that my feelings are all valid. She sat on my hand for about 4 minutes while I cried (which further confirmed this was no ordinary typical insect) and then I let her back outside. 

(Here she is, looking at her own reflection, just like I am looking at my own, and finally seeing it clearly for the first time)

If you are feeling triggered by reading this and/or need help on your own healing journey, I encourage you to look up the work of Dr Peter Levine and Dr Pete Walker, author of From Survivng to Thriving

xoxoxoxo