Thank you to those of you who took the step to go on Youtube and listen/watch the video I posted.
Sharing my journey is very vulnerable for me as you can imagine, but I know I have to do this for my soul's growth and to validate to my inner child that what she went through is not OKAY.
Last night, I decided to eat some cannabis oil (my most prized 4 year old bottle of Indica by Trishula Organics) and I just sat in the dark.
For some reason about 10 minutes later, I felt called to go on Spotify and make a playlist based on the song "Prove Your Love" by Fleetwood Mac and I know that it was the marijuana guiding me to hear information for my understanding of my life.
The second song that played after Prove Your Love was a song which I listened to for the first time, which I highly recommend, Arrow Through Me, by Wings (founded by Paul McCartney)
Ooh, baby, you couldn't have done a worse thing to me
If you'da taken an arrow and run it right through me.
What came to me in that moment is the truth; that my heart has been broken my entire life, from my father and uncle.
I literally have had a closed heart my entire life because of early experiences of constant yelling and feeling unsafe and feeling like I did something to deserve it and that I must be unloveable to have been so yelled at and so unprotected.
Even as I write this, I know that this is deep down how I have felt my whole life. I felt like I was too much and that I overreacted to everything.
When I found the video of my Uncle yelling, if you listen to it, perhaps you too will agree that his voice sounds like horrible gravel or diarrhea made of shards of glass, spewing all over the place.
I listen to myself and I hear how calm I sound, and I really am in awe at how the rest of my family does nothing to stand up to him or even react.
It is a testament to their own trauma and closed hearts.
My dad would yell at me in an even scarier voice than my uncle, and then go back as if everything was normal.
I just read today about a period of childhood called Egocentrism
(Sorry it's cut off so weird but I wanted to isolate only the important things)
Before age 9, we believe that everything that happens to us is our fault.
"Behavior is not personal. It's a reflection of a person's inner world" which I now take to mean, "don't take the behavior of your relatives and/or ANYONE personally" (which apparently you can't do at age 0-9, which is when most of the trauma I experienced occured)
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Because I was constantly yelled at or people were yelling in front of me, I felt like I must be a horrible unloveable person.
I learned to close my heart and clench my body.
As the marijuana 'kicked in', what I imagined was the most handsome boy looking me in the eyes, and then noticing a zipper at the top of his head and then unzipping it and it was a combination of the alien from the Predator movie (which I have never seen, but I know the reference) and my uncle and father yelling.
What i take this to mean is that I have envisioned that every man has this yelling man within him so it's better to avoid all intimacy so as to avoid the yelling I could experience if I were to actually open my heart to another person.
As I write this I am crying because I think of all the times I have avoided to open my heart - and all the people walking around, like myself, who have closed their hearts so they don't get hurt - and meanwhile, the abusive relatives have no idea that their behaviors led us to coping in life.
I feel like most people have their hearts closed. That is how our society allows homeless people to sleep on the streets without crying everytime we see it.
When I was a child and I saw a homeless person lying on the street, I would be so concerned and want to help them but I was taught that 'that's just the way it is'
We are all systemically taught in this way to close our hearts when our true open hearts would help anyone we see lying on the street.
It is not normal to walk past people suffering - it is a taught condition.
Is your heart opening just thinking about how it was as a child too?
Let your heart soften a little bit; you are safe. I am safe; we are in this safe container of Earth, connected by the internet of our mutual healing.
We are born so beautifully with such open hearts and then we try to protect ourselves in the best way we know how.
Our entire world can be colored by our early childhood experiences and we can go our entire lives without unpacking any of the dusty mental luggage that we have been carrying around, like socks with holes in them which represent the coping mechanisms which stop us from living as fully in our present current realities as possible.
The marijuana told me that the reason why *I* am healing - whereas my mother and grandmother didn't - was partially my willingness, time, and money, but also because of the internet.
It is the internet which has helped people access a true sense of psychic/mental community where we all are finally feeling validated that we are "not crazy" ; whether it is on the topic of questioning the alterior financial/sinister motives of trying to quickly mandate mRNA technology, those "white lines in the sky", or anything else which has made us feel like a broken outsider, which I have felt like my whole life, even before I had any kind of "conspiratorial concerns".
As someone who has felt crazy their whole life, this pandemic has both amplified those feelings of alienation but also felt equally liberating at the same time. When I see people wearing a mask while driving in their cars and/or when I get asked if I "have gotten the vaccine yet" by people who equally invite me to "grab a beer" in the same sentence, I realize how much of an alien I truly am.
I have not drank an entire beer since literally 2002, when I briefly dated a very handsome but effeminate wrestler in college who I met at a frat party, who I completely forgot about until right now. Haha! I have had such a weird life.
I really "am crazy" to most of society; and I am sure I was seen as crazy to my uncle and my mom and dad - I think everyone really did think I was crazy, just like many of my peers via social media likely think I am crazy now! (which is why I stopped sharing my views, because it was too scary to think of people behind their screens, judging me)
But can I tell you something? There is actually something so exciting about accepting that people think I am crazy! Because guess what, I THINK THEY ARE CRAZY! (ie. not "wrong" but just that they are trying the best way they know how to survive with life in a different way from me a way that I now accept is OK for me to unsubscribe from without deeming myself 'wrong' or them 'wrong' for not agreeing with)
When I look at the video of my Uncle, and the apathy of my family members, I think THAT IS CRAZY.
I think leaving homeless people lying on the street is crazy!
In fact, I think homeless people are actually some of the sanest people out there! They are actually responding more logically than most people to such an insane world. This also goes for gang members, who have managed to find community and protection rather than hiding indoors, even if they are deemed "criminals" for surviving and making money in a rigged environment of poverty and trauma that they have managed to leave through "alternative" illegal routes.
This society is SO ROUGH and it makes sense for some people to literally just give up and turn to alcohol and drugs to numb it.
I bet homeless people are some of the most sensitive empaths on the planet, but they just didn't have access to the priviledge of talk therapy/breathwork/supplements/all the things which are helping me.
I feel like homeless people are the sensitive people who just couldn't handle this insane society and I completely understand that feeling.
If it wasn't for me inheriting money after the sale of my dad's house, there is absolutely no way I would have been able to afford any of the holistic techniques I have used to finally heal myself. Nothing that has helped me is covered by health insurance. AT ALL.
Why is that, I wonder? (JK I know it is a combination of reasons which would warrant a whole book shortened to 'greed/fear')
Luckily, thanks to the internet, we can access much more free help than ever before, fine-tuned to exactly what we need.
On that note, I decided to contact the creator of the internet last night and ask him if he took plant medicine when he came up with it. I have not heard back from him but it was fun to email him regardless. He said he initially made hyperlinks green instead of blue because he wanted them to calm people by reminding them of nature.
I am sure he came up with the idea of the internet through either meditation or time in nature or with the help of plant medicine. Perhaps he will write back!
What the marijuana told me (aka my higher self told me, aided by the marijuana) was that the internet/websites as we know it were one of the many incredible technologies that exist already on this planet;
The internet/websites were 'allowed to be released to the general public' by the military because they were secretly intended by the military/war/surveillance industries as a way to keep track on everyone.
That is the only reason why these technologies moved from military to civilian usage.
An example of this is why cellphones were given to civilians but HAM Radios were made illegal even though they are a form of wireless technology (and free). Cellphones can be tracked, HAM radios not so much.
I was told that there are many more incredible technologies like invisibility/time travel which haven't been released yet because they don't see how it would further enslave humanity... They only want to release things that would exert control. They don't want humanity's freedom.
The GOOD NEWS is that what I was told was that the plan of releasing the internet backfired against the controllers ("WWW dot LOSER dot gov") because us civilians have used the internet for our further liberation instead of further surveillance, and luckily, even with internet censorship, the genie cannot be put back in the bottle and now we can truly be free (as long as we use the internet as a 'tool' to heighten and beautify our reality instead of as our drug/obsession/escape our reality)
We must use the internet to connect with our beautiful Earth and our INNERNET (oooh, snap) - our intuition.
I asked the marijuana why I am still so afraid to share myself and my true views in a more public way.
After I received shame around my questioning of the pandemic, I decided to delete all my health-related posts on Facebook and Instagram to feel safer.
I have wanted to hide and figure out a way that I can share things in a productive, loving way where it is clear that I only have the best interest for humanity when I share anything controversial.
I am not sure how you found this blog but I have really done nothing external for many years as I have learned to navigate my sensitvities.
I trust that one day soon I will be ready to be more 'public' with the things I share. Hopefully I will take off like a rocket and be the peaceful apolitical peaceful environmental version of Candace Owens who questions society and does not take criticism personally but instead laughs at it. I hope to have my own talk show, either filmed from a cabin or van.
I know that is my goal but I trust I am learning what is necessary at the right pace before I do anything external, especially around the topic of boundaries...
That being said, I truly don't know what it is that I want to share with people or what I want to do for a job.
I really have so many things I want to do - but in a way, all I want to do is live by a lake and make delicious healthy food and have lots of pets and go masturbate outside and never talk to anyone ever again. Hahaha.
They say "DO WHAT YOU LOVE, AM I RIGHT?"
HOW CAN I MAKE THAT A JOB WITHOUT HAVING A WEBCAM?
We shall see.
PS I love this song by George Harrison, which was also on the playlist as well...
I did some research on him and he wanted to be a gardener.
Everyone who I connect with feels connection to Earth.
*UPDATE 3:52PM* (remember when I used to write the exact time of my posts?)
I just found a video I saved to my phone in 2018 and watched it for the first time and it is actually so relevant.
I realize that my hypothesis that I posed a few posts ago, about being addicted to fear/adrenaline, as a way to fuel me, has more merit now, after watching this.
It seems that I am not the only one who has come to this conclusion.
I believe due to my traumatic upbringing, fear/anxiety felt 'normal' so I sought out these emotions, which is partially why I was drawn to conspiratorial information, even when I knew the information would not actually help my life.
If the Law of Attraction is true, which I absolutely believe it is, then everyone who is seeking out fearful information is more likely to manifest a fearful reality. I believe that our current time is a manifestation of all the people who had traumatic childhoods (who hasn't?) and then who are bombarded with the option to watch scary news/horror movies/alternative 'conspiracy theories' made with horrible scary music..... Basically, most people are seeking out 'scary information' for a jolt of energy and to feel familiar feelings.
What is offered as a solution in this video is to say to your body that things are different now.
I just told myself "It is going to be better than it's ever been" and just me hearing myself say that gave me so much peace.
Perhaps this video/exercise/my suggestion will help you too.
It really is an 'exercise' to think differently and form new neural pathways which are unfamiliar - even if they seem completely beautiful - it is an exercise to adjust to things like living in peace, trusting yourself, trusting others, trusting that we are on a positive timeline, trusting we can protect ourselves and will always have our needs met from now on.
I am going to exercise my brain by imagining my uncle, my dad, anyone else who hurt me as people who are looking me in the eye and apologizing and maybe wearing cheerleader outfits that say GO CARLEN, GO!
Our imaginations are so powerful, as the body and brain believes what we see are true.
As my teacher in my spiritual psychology program says "Why not win in your dreams?"
It feels scary to feel positive/safe, but let's try it, if it is time for a change.
