<currently listening to Nights in White Satin by Moody Blues>

Here is a piece of writing I just read which is so beautiful

We are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For

You have been telling people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour. And there are things to be considered…

Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?

Know your garden.
It is time to speak your truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for your leader.

Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said, “This could be a good time! There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word ’struggle’ from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

--Hopi Elders' Prophecy, June 8, 2000

 ***

ISN'T THAT SO APPLICABLE TO RIGHT NOW??? I FEEL IT AT LEAST :)

My life is really like a beautiful crazy dream and what happened today was so extraordinary that it makes me always remember to remember how life can change so drastically from one day to the next, like the emotional stock exchange of life (HOW POETIC LOL)

Today I woke up feeling very anxious after only 2 hours of sleep (could it be the new SpaceX satellites going up exacerbating and meddling with the frequencies for everyone? Did you feel this too? This is the theory of this intriguing and passionate scientist) 

This afternoon, I did an energy healing session with an incredible healer who offered to do it for free after I shared in my weekly group breathwork (led by my therapist) that I learned I currently experience CPTSD. I think it is best when discussing diagnoses to say "I experience CPTSD" instead of "I have CPTSD" because I refuse to tie my identity to anything which is not empowering.

Our entire medical establishment is built on people identifying with their illnesses as their 'persona' while also villainizing their illnesses (ie. "the war on cancer")  

It is SO OBVIOUS to me now that every illness is acting to SAVE US as best as it can from a toxic environment.

Considering genetics only plays about 10% in terms of what illnesses are expressed, it is reason to believe that the environment a person is in is what contributes to the expression or remission of whatever malady they are facing, physical, emotional and spiritual...

Rather than radiating tumors, we need to figure out WHY the tumor forms in the first place. Tumors are actually incredible in that they collect toxins so they don't spread to the body (a body which is given toxic food or in a toxic environment including emotional trauma); 

This is why, from my experience, chronic anxiety develops in childhood/early adulthood for many people so as to give a traumatized person like myself a feeling of safety after a toxic environment where they learned that they had to control their realities with a clenched heart and shortened breath or other manifestations of hyper vigilance as a formula for a feeling of protection; 

Everything we are doing is a coping mechanism and rather than villainizing our illnesses and coping mechanisms as if they are the ones to blame, we have the challenging-but-worthwhile opportunitity to switch from shame to gratitude and see what they were trying to protect us from. 

Our issues have always been trying to save us; our bodies aren't ever 'attacking ourselves' unlike what many doctors call 'autoimmune disease'

On a micro and macrocosm, humanity is realizing that they can choose to play victim and identify as "labels" and follow the rules of a system which has never given them true freedom or health; 

...or they can take the path of most resistance and take responsibity for their healing like I have and question everything I have ever been told; since even the most "succesful" people in this paradigm; the richest people who are "American Dreams" in the old system aren't even happy or healthy for the most part.

I am grateful that this past weekend, my friend who I have been staying with attended an ayuhasca ceremony with my shaman and therapist out in the desert of Joshua Tree, California - it was my therapists first time ever hosting a retreat but I was not in the headspace to attend this as I do not feel comfortable yet being in a group of screaming wailing people on plant medicine; in fact, even doing plant medicine with just my friend was scary enough. 

I learned at my most recent ayuhuasca experience how unsafe I feel - and I realize I need a lot more attention on myself if I am to truly let go. 

My friend went and said it was an amazing experience and now her PARENTS are doing it in a few weeks. This is such a huge deal if you understood that these parents are in their 60's and living in Beverly Hills and from the outside surface, their lives are perfect; yet even they are still yearning for something that is missing.

I am so excited for these people to heal at this level as they are very kind well-meaning people, as is my friend, and this whole exerience is really exactly what I have always felt deep down; that though our society teaches us all to value trees dead more than alive in the form of paper money, it is the live trees and nature and the ingestion of plants that will finally heal everyone.

WE ARE ALL HEALING AND IT IS NATURE AND EMBRACING THE STORMS OF OUR INNER NATURE WHICH WILL HEAL US THE MOST.

**

Now as for my day today, as I mentioned, I did an energy healing, which is interesting as I did a chakra realignment last week with the healer in Taiwan; and these are 2 things I have actually never done before. And they were both free, which I am so thankful for!!!!

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS!

The energy healing was a mixture of energy clearing and past life/timeline healing (which I was not expected)

What we discovered was that my old apartment in Los Feliz is somewhere I lived in a past life in the 1930s or 1940s and I was a lesbian and I had a lover who was either murdered or killed herself when I moved out and moved on with my life.

As strange as it feels, this immediately made me think of George as the 'lesbian lover' I had in the past life, and why we have such a strange unique karmic relationship, it feels like.  I feel strongly that we both lived there in another life togehter.

As I have alluded to, I have honestly felt so terrible that I moved out; and have irrationally feared that something terrible would happen to him. After hearing about this past life, it makes so much more sense to me.

We did an energy clearing on both me and George and it was so surreal and I burst into tears and felt energy move out of my body.

We then acknowledged other past lives; we saw together that I often befriend very wealthy people but live very meekly. This has always been the case my entire life; where I am surrounded by people with lots of money yet I end up feeling undeserving.

We discovered that I had a past life in the middle ages where I was a boy who lived in a kitchen and I would wear rags and eat nothing; and yet I offered so much to the people I lived with, in their palatial home.

I felt this past life as soon as she said it and I honestly feel like we cleared it.

I do not need to suffer at the expense of others and treat it as righteousness.

There is enough money for everyone and most importantly, it is our right to ask for what we want now.

We ALL deserve to heal and to have our dreams come true, no matter what kind of closed-hearted conditioning our parents asked to buy into.

Last night before bed, I heard the voice say "We all acted logically when given an illusion"

We have all bought into the illusion of scarcity and struggle and pain and self-repression and self-censorship and this is the time of upheavel and upliftment for ourselves and the consciouness of this planet.

NOW moving on - my mom won a screenwriting contest (her 3rd win in 2 years!) and she has been invited to Texas. I ended up talking with her on the phone today for over 2 hours and I told her basically EVERYTHING that has come up for me and how I feel her heart was closed because she was raised in a traumatized environment and how she never felt like she could have needs and in turn, I never felt like I could have needs.

I brought this up because I know deep down, my mom's dream is to make a movie - as it has been mine (one of my many dreams) and I need her to know that if she ever wants to make a movie, she will have to ask for what she wants. She will have to take up space. She will have to open her heart and ask for help.

She began crying and I knew in that moment that something healed for her and she told me that nobody had told her what I was telling her before. She said she never was able to ask for help and felt so alone, the way I have felt.

She told me that she will never abandon me and was sorry for me ever feeling so alone.

She thanked me and told me everything I said made sense and now she wants to read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and work on her own healing.

She apologized for leaving me alone so much and my almost-drowning incidents.

She was truly so sorry and also so open hearted for the first time I have ever seen.

She has never opened her heart until this conversation and I kept saying "Let your heart open, it is safe now" but deep down, I was saying it to both of us. And it is true.

I will never forget this conversation with my mom and this day the rest of my life.

If you ever feel like your healing does not positively impact others, believe me, it does. Even energetically you are healing the planet.

This is why people are finally waking up at such an exponential rate to the concerns I have expressed on this blog last year and felt crazy such as the effects of EMFs, the Great Global Reset, the true intentions of this pandemic, etc.....

I am glad I went inward and realized why I was so scared of these external threats (feelings of unsafety stemming from childhood/feeling like men had no emotional boundaries with me/etc) and now I am so glad that by healing my internal world, my external world is also healing as I see so many others out there are healing and awakening like I am.

My healing and expression have been a grain of sand in the growing global fire of awareness that cannot be put out, no matter how many fact checkers and free donuts are offered.

It is time for us ALL to heal; even the people who hurt us the most. But it takes a willingness and a surrendering; and not everyone is ready for that.

In the words of the poem I shared in the beginning, some people want to hold onto the illusion that they have to be a lone wolf doing it all by ourselves even though nature is a concert of beings working together to make everything happen so everyone has exactly what they need.

It does not mean it is our responsibility to rush our healing or actively heal our parents; but it means that everyone can benefit when we heal; our friends, their parents, our parents, anyone who is ready.

And if nobody is ready but me, that is okay too! My healing is enough for me to take on. 

"Thank you and goodnight!"