I couldn't sleep again last night; deep down, I know it is because a big part of me knows I am ready to leave this mini (but equally huge) chapter of my life staying at my friend's house in beautiful Beverly Hills. 

Although it has been an incredible experience, the past 2 weeks, I have felt the calling to finally find a place in nature to "call my own" in the next few months (even though nothing really belongs to me or anyone because money is exchanged,; everything is equally owned by nobody except the Earth and even she is like "this is all for you; but ALL of you; not one of you who decides it is yours" ; To me ownership is an illusion that people all agree to)

This concept was shared with me by the tree outside while I took mushrooms and I totally agreed... The tree had a lot of amazing things to say about Beverly Hills and how everyone is living in fear and they are possessed by their fear of losing their possessions - so their possessions possess them and I was like WOW THANK YOU TREE THAT MAKES CENTS. That same night, I had told the tree that I wanted to lie on the grass in the front yard but feared that the neighbors would see me and call the police/think I was dead, but the tree said "It's true - they would get scared since connecting to the Earth is so outside their realm of normal - but at the same time, who cares, they're just humans?"

Just HUMANS?

I was like WOW THIS TREE HAS A LOT OF CONFIDENCE!!!!

Imagine if there are a lot of confident flowers and we have no idea!!!!! In a way, all trees are confident in that they share their fruits without fear of money or recognition.

Anyway, I am ready to leave here soon though I don't know where and it is perfect timing because my friend came back from her ayuhuasca ceremony with my therapist/shaman telling me that she realize, that like myself, she has a hard time "receiving" and asking me to begin to pay rent - which is something I actually offered when I moved in; however, her asking abruptly brought up all kinds of emotions in me because I have no income at the moment and for the past few weeks I have been very introverted and not as "entertaining" or "helpful" to her; so it weirdly validated that if I am not entertaining or helpful I will be punished and/or abandoned.

Of course this is not her intention but I am amazed at where my brain goes and it is something really amazing when you see your triggers and interpretations of things....

She and I both are very similar and we are both used to boundary-less relationships so I am actually glad she asked me to pay rent so I do not have to pay with my energy in a way that doesn't feel natural.

I usually go above and beyond my natural rhythm to help others, and since starting my wonderful course Empath*ology, and learning about CPTSD, it talks about having boundaries and how abused children ignore their boundaries to stay protected, and since learning all this, I have pulled back my energy and given it to myself instead of outwardly and when she asked for rent, in a strange way, my inner child secretly felt that I have been punished and that if I take care of myself, everyone will leave me.

Of course this is not "true" but there is a part of me which believes this and I am so grateful to see it so clearly as it is something I need to really heal. 

Especially since moving in with my close friend, I realize now that I have so much to offer yet thank goodness I now realize that I do not need to give more than I have to others to be loveable or protected. And like my friend, I am ready to receive income for my gifts instead of trying to be selfless

I have not received consistent money for my work for the last 4 years since taking care of my dad, minus a few articles for Free People (before I knew the extent of their mistreatment of workers or animals - the IRONY that they are called Free People LOL) 

In this time period, I have slowly and steadily been using up my savings and putting 90% of my monthly budget towards my healing (school/therapy/doctors/vitamins/organic food) and have about 30% of my total savings left.... BUT EXCITED FOR CRYPTO AND MAKING THINGS SOON AGAIN THAT ARE HOPEFULLY FUN AND HELPFUL TO TREES, ANIMALS, MINERALS, ALIENS, AND HUMANS (AT LEAST TO ME)! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS IMPRESSING TREES NOW!

I had just been developing an idea for an invention before the pandemic that I was going to begin selling through my new company 1-800 EARTH, (a shoe spray that I came up which is honestly AMAZING and fun) but then the price of all the materials went up drastically because of the pandemic so I have put it on hold. I also am unable to go on auditions for things, though in a way, I trust is a blessing. I also don't want to ever write for Free People again now that I know the extent of their human rights violations and animal abuse.

As vulnerable as it is to admit, there is a part of me which feels that I am incapable of making enough money to ever afford the quality/healthy lifestyle which I have set up for myself, while sticking to my values (aka not supporting terrible greenwashing corporations). 

With all my woo woo medical costs and rent and total expenses, life in LA cost about $60,000 a to live comfortably in Los Angeles and buy quality rabbit food for Goblin 

(LOL RABBIT FOOD IS MY BIGGEST EXPENSE FOR THAT LITTLE BOZO)

I have a lot of fears of ever making this kind of money on my own (and this is just for me, can you imagine if I had children?!), since I was never able to figure out how to make enough money to heal until my dad died.

When my friend asked me for rent, even though I understand it and am glad to have defined boundaries now,  because I am not making money in a consistent stream yet, it made me have a pang of fear that I will never make money and somehow live under a bridge - but I know this is a very old thought, from when I was very sick and my memory was terrible and I could not focus on anything (before my healing journey began)

However, I trust that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON - FOR MY GROWTH.

When I first moved to LA, I equally stayed in a very nice house, with a friend whose parents owned their house and one day out of the blue, his parents sold the house and I had to move the very next day.

It was one of the most sudden scary experiences of my life to have to move in 24 hours (only 3 weeks after my dad died) but luckily, I was able to move into my old boss's house while he was in Mexico but overall, it was completely insane and stressful but that is what led me to going to Bali for 3 months and re-evaluating the decision I made to make a television show and questioning American values all together.

I have to trust that when challenges happen, no matter how 'out of the blue' they are, they are pushing me to grow.

And as for the feeling of inadequacy I have at making money, this is where learning about Human Design (which I highly recommend to anyone looking to understand themselves more!) has been so helpful. 

Since learning I am a Projector in Human Design, I realize that my main purpose is to be a Guide (to people who want to hear my point of view/not the masses) and to work no more than 2-3 hours a day and to be in a position of self-directed leadership, where I make my own schedule.

Once I learned about Human Design and my status as a 4/6 Projector, it all makes sense. (You can go to this website to learn more about it or find out your own Human Design profile)

It scares me to ever imagine having enough money to take care of myself, but I believe that I have been scared to receive money because of subconscious programming that once I received money, I would be kidnapped or a target in some way, or that receiving money equaled having to work in a horrible noisy cubicle or do a lot more than I am physically or emotionally capable of.

I believe that I have tried to 'protect myself' from having money because I thought money was a source of stress and put me in a high-profile position of danger. 

I thought it I was healthy and self-focused, I would be punished - since my sickness/weakness was a helpful distraction for others like my mothers, so she didn't have to look within herself and/or a source of jealousy from others.

I felt like it was helpful and safer if I played small and played sick.

As I write this, it brings up a lot of energy so I know that it is still a subconscious belief.

I forgive myself for the misbelief that I needed to be sick/weak/poor in order to be protected/housed/a good safe person; because the truth is now that I will be more protected than ever before once I admit my strength and health to myself and others and ask to receive and know I deserve it!

My mom used to always worry that we would be homeless and she managed to take care of me and herself alone on about $20,000 a year, which is NOTHING for Manhattan. I believe I internalized this scarcity mindset and now it is finally coming up to be healed.

It is perfect timing however (just like everything is) because the new lesson in my course Empath*ology is all about SELF TRUST.

Sadly, I have never trusted myself in any way; I never had enough energy to trust myself and I never trusted my creative ideas since they were so often shut down by my father and teachers.

Once I learn to trust myself, which I am beginning finally, I know I will have more confidence in making decisions.

My decision compass has felt blurry and that is because of all the damaging messages I received in school, as someone who felt stupid because I didn't do well on tests, and as someone who got bad marks in art school, which made me feel that not only was my "normal school skills" of memorization bad, now even my imagination was "bad" - so what WAS good about me anyway? (My imitation of Bill Cosby?!??!!)

My mom mentioned to me that when I was a child, I often shared psychic messages with her and once told her about a fire nearby our house which turned out to be true, even though we weren't anywhere near our house when I told her.

I believe that most if not all children are psychic and there is an intentional plot to weaken our intuition through toxic foods, medicines, and education, which tells us to focus on 'memorization' instead of 'creating from within'

I am finally healing all of this so I am finally regaining my psychic abilities again, which is really fascinating to admit on paper/the internet because it sounds so far out there, but I guess the internet is far out in itself!

On that note, last night my inner voice told me

ANXIETY IS NOT ACTIVISM

This feels absolutely so true in so many ways.

Speaking of which, did you see this traumatic technique by CNN in regards to the pandemic or the undercover expose of CNN's technical director with a journalist posing as a Tinder date? 

OMG NOBODY CAN STOP THE TRUTH! Inner and outer truth!

I have never been crazy; I just can't be brainwashed so I seem crazy to those still under the toxic spell!

ALL THE UNNATURAL AUTHORITIES ARE CRUMBLING.

Perhaps now, we can ask Simon Cowell to sing on American Idol and have everyone boo HIM!

SHAME AND LIES ARE NOT COMING IN THE NEW PARADIGM

 IT IS ALL HAPPENING! I FEEL IT!!!!