My parents, though both emotionally immature, are 2 of the funniest most playful people I have ever met. (one of them plays dead all the time since March 2017 which is quite a trick! lol #toosoon? #weekendatbernies4) My Aunt and grandma are also extremely funny (rip grandma!)
All my life I prioritized a sense of humor above all else in all my close friends/boyfriends. I had the same best friend from 5th grade - age 33 and my mother never liked her and while she was a bully to me, she made me laugh until I cried so it was worth it. I would tell my mom "No, you don't understand how funny she is!" When I look back, this friend was a textbook narcissist but it didn't matter to me because she made me laugh. Laughter was my greatest priority and the greatest gift I felt I could give to others.
Even in preschool, I attempted to make everyone laugh by yelling DOODY from the bathroom so the entire class could hear it. In summer camp, I had a puppet of a mole and I would go up to girls and say all sorts of inappropriate things. In elementary school, I performed in my school plays as male characters, and even trees; anything to get a laugh, anything to entertain people and see people smile; there was nothing better than the sound of laughter, like thunder made of joy, all caused by me. I joined my college improv troupe and took comedy classes in Manhattan at Upright Citizens Brigade, The Pit, Gotham Comedy Club and other places. I started a public access show with my college friend called Sunday Night Live; and did stand up comedy as much as my anxiety/show bookers would allow me.
As the tone of my blog can probably attest, the last 4 years of my life - which to me was my Awakening/societal deconditioning process - have definitely been less LOL and more COL (cry out loud)/POL (pray out loud)
As I reflect on the fact that I am barely friends with an of the hysterically funny people from my past - even the people I considered best friends - what I realize is that a lot of it has to do with the way I have learned to deal with my feelings in the last 4 years; and that is no longer to bottle them down into jokes.
In the past, I would have absolutely no problem standing on a stage in front of hundreds of people doing standup comedy, like I did when I went to the Traverse City Comedy Festival and performed for a huge crowd, with bright lights on me, opening for comedians who are household names - but on that very same night, I would have total terror at the thought of calling a friend and expressing my disappointment to them over a personal issue OR equally, telling a male comedian that I "just wanted to be friends". I would have literally rather performed in front of millions of people in Time Square than have a serious conversation with a friend/someone who had a crush on me, and potentially hurting their feelings or getting my feelings hurt.
I was never taught the tools to have healthy conflict resolution or even told that my feelings mattered; so I went through life as a court jester, similar to how my dad did, using humor as our calling card and equally as our get-out-of-jail-free card.
In the last year, I have done the brave uncomfortable action of confronting 2 of my funniest close friends, who I had met in New York and attempted creative collaborations with throughout the years, to tell them that I was unhappy about certain things in our friendships, but wanted to address them so we could become closer, and both these friendships essentially vanished. For many months I felt terrible, like me asking for my needs to be met really was "too much" or that I really was "too needy" to have expectations of others beyond superficial jokes/gossiping about so-and-so who we both know etc (which was the majority of my conversations with my close friends since I could not dig into the well of my emotional pain just yet); but I realize that I must have compassion for myself and these friends as they have not chosen the very strange road I have and are likely still operating at the "jokes only" bandwidth that I was only capable of for most of my life.....
I also have to accept that my evolution is not right for everyone, and that is more than okay that people vanish from my life when I express needs/concerns/stop making everyone laugh all the time, because it is healthy for me to do this and I live with myself 24 hours a day, and I need to be honest with myself now.
I know that Prozac was an incredible tool at helping me bottle up all of my anxiety/my soul crying out for me to learn the truth about society/the "American Dream" of being a television news broadcaster that I so naively thought would be my route to expressing The Truth to the people.... I am glad I did not even have the platform I wished for as my idea of The Truth was so warped by my college education and the facts given to me ("On tonight's broadcast - hey everyone, it is your fault the climate is changing. just recycle and use toxic cfl lightbulbs that give you a headache and start eating ImpossibleBurgers even though they have toxic ingredients and definitely don't have children because the planet is too overpopulated - ok thanks!")
Now my Truth on TV would be "On tonight's broadcast - everything you learned was a way to mold you into a fearful sick uncreative insecure cog in the machine but it's time for you to re-mineralize yourself and learn who you truly are and stop being a mean dictator within yourself so you are not likely to tolerate mean authority externally - let's buy up land collectively and become autonomous and create our own army of conscious healthy loving people who understand spiritual laws and the laws of nature and can prioritize joy over self-harm in the name of "success"- lets contact aliens together to create a force for good, so we can eradicate all of the egregious darkness from Earth - BACK TO YOU"
I jokingly attempted to do 2% of this as you can see in this clip
ANYWAY BACK TO MY ORIGINAL POINT
We think of comedy as a way to bring people together; but nobody teaches you that conflict can actually make people grow closer when you express your concerns with an open heart and curiosity, so most people avoid conflict at all costs, like my friends did and like I did...
I used to pride myself on being a "comedian" and now, I realize this was somewhat a defense mechanism more than a conscious choice.
The thing is, I DO LOVE JOKING AROUND AND LAUGHING - it is just very different than the way it was. I also think that these are completely different times on our planet, and to me, the LAST thing we need is more distraction and escapism and vague messaging which is the hallmark of comedy/comedic entertainment of the 20th and 21st centuries...
Beating around the bush to stay mainstream while sprinkling seeds of truth has been the formula used to keep audiences feeling a sense of connection while keeping corporate sponsors satisfied that the performers would not incite collective societal mutiny against them.
One of the most memorable aspects of trying ayuhuasca was the first message it told me:
I have been saved to use my comedic gifts for the New Paradigm; the Old Paradigm used comedy as a tool for shame, whereas my comedy is meant to elevate consciousness.
This was one of the nicest things I have ever heard and it really feels absolutely true to me. Anytime I was asked to go on an audition, if I learned it was for something unhealthy for people or manipulative against people, I would say no to my agent or manager. This was definitely very frustrating for them but deep inside, I could not ignore my true compass; that media and entertainment and storytelling can be a tool to uplift people, if it wasn't for corporate agendas...
I remember my manager was upset with me because I refused a writing opportunity to write for the Jordan Kepler show - which is SO DIVISIVE and intended to make Republicans and Liberals see each other as ignorant enemies; which is just such a waste of television....
If I had a team of bodyguards/producers, I would do a show like this and ask people questions without trying to make them seem "stupid" - I genuinely would want to know why people think the way they think...without the need to make the show "funny" or "shocking"....
It is really amazing when you analyze things from the lense of Ego ; most people have a self-identified concept of themselves that includes their titles such as "male" "female" "Republican" "white" etc.... In order for people to hold onto a belief that their identity is "loveable", they must constantly check the boxes that all the attributres of their identity are "good" ; that is why people refuse to see things from both sides (Republicans and Democrats can have good AND bad qualities equally), because it would make them question if their entire "identity" is "wrong" if they were to examine and accept the complexity of their political loyalty....
For example, people who are ardent Democrats (ie those who make it their identity/have a sense of pride because of this meaningless political affiliaition) may be in denial of all of the terrible things Biden has already done as president because it would make them have to admit that "Democrat" does not always mean "good choices" and that would throw off their 'sense of self' and make them wonder if "they do not always make good choices", so for the preservation of their Ego/identity, it's easier for them to blindly support their "side" as a way to protect their fragile sense of selfe. Equally, people who are ardent Republicans and make their "identity" their political affiliation might have a very hard time admitting all the "dumb" things that Trump has done while he was in office because it would undermine their sense of self, which is based on their political affiliation.
Equally, when you look at things through the lense of trauma, most people feel safe when they deem an authority "good protector" or "bad guy"; it takes a lot of mental effort to take personal responsiblity for yourself and just see authorities as "people (hopefully) trying their best".... I believe this is why many people viewed Trump as either "worst guy ever" or "Savior working with God" - both these demographics of people likely had childhood trauma, probably related to a male figure in their life, and in order to feel "safe", they needed to view Trump as "good" or "bad" so they knew whether they could "trust him" just like they did or did not trust their own father/male caretakers....
Now that I understand the effects of trauma, the way society has been run and divided makes so much more sense!!!
NOW BACK TO ME USING MY COMEDY FOR ELEVATING CONSCIOUSNESS
So here it goes:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
HE FORGOT HE HAD WINGS, JUST LIKE YOU AND IT'S TIME TO SOAR!
(worst consciousness elevating joke ever, sorry, moving along)
Anwyay, the point is - I really am excited for the challenge to use my humor in a way that actually elevates humanity. This is what I have always wanted to do - but I just didn't know the type of stakes that would exist on the world's stage by the time I healed myself.
I know that I needed to have this time inwardly to heal and relearn everything - and learn that humor is a tool and not a crutch! I know that I do not need to run from my emotions anymore or be responsible to make others happy;
***
Last night I was reflecting on all the creative projects I began and ended in my 20's and 30's and I felt a sense of grief over not finishing any of them...
When my jewelry line Jewish Rosaries had manufacturing issues (ie the "sustainable" factory where it was made in Manhattan was extremely depressing and I couldn't find anything better) and then was rejected by Bloomingdales and Barneys (which is now out of business), I stopped doing it.
When my movie Loners Together faced a series of setbacks, I stopped doing it.
When my television series "Carlen Saves the World" faced a variety of issues, I gave it up.
When my shoe spray had ingredient shortages, I felt overwhelmed for months and dove inwardly the last few months....
I have thought about all of these things like almost-giving-birth, and then aborting the creative baby right before the finish line. I felt so much anger at myself that I just would start things over and over again, and then they would all fall apart and I would lose momentum....
Then I found this video last night which made it all made sense....
I found this video to be so helpful but embarassingly accurate at the way I have gone through life up until now. Equally, I have compassion for myself because I know that when I tried all of these projects, I was constantly anxious and overwhelmed - especially when having to work with other people and trying to do my best to be diplomatic to everyone, while also not having the confidence to ask for my needs to be met or face conflict....
I trust that if I had stuck with all of those projects - one by one - I could have had external success/sales on them, but I trust now that it wasn't time...
I KNOW if I had begun taking more antidepressants to dim my anxiety, and more caffeine/stimulants to get me to have enough energy to make things, I could have done it.
I know most creative people who are in the public eye often are addicted to drugs because it is the only way they can numb things enough to get through life.
Had I not been so committed to doing things in a healthy way, I am sure I could have "gotten things done"
But then what would be the point???? Honestly, what would be the point? I would not want to go through life numbing myself to get out of bed, and then drinking tons of coffee to stay awake, all while feeling like I was on a rollercoaster of responsibilities and dread all day.
I HAD TO SPEND THIS TIME TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.
As "inconvenient" as it was, I know it all makes sense and my life is better for it, and I realize the true genius that I am, which we all have inside of us - underneath the conditioning that tricked us into believing we are "not enough" or the toxins that robbed us of our clarity, or the misbelief we received from schooing that told us we "need to please others at the expense of ourselves".
