In my Spiritual Psychology program, one of the things we learned about was that each person walks around with their own "lense of perception"; ie. many people can look at life and see the world and their opportunities completely differently, based on the lense of their mind.
Some people can wear rose-colored glasses as their lense of perception; soem people can wear gray cloudy glasses as their lense of perception and can experience the same set of circumstances but end up with totally different emotions, decisions, and outcomes.
For me, an area of my life that I have looked at with dread is anything related to finances. As much as I logically know that money is neutral (not bad or good), that I deserve money for sharing my gifts/talents, and that I can receive money without having to be compromised or "owe" anyone anything (unless I were to take out a loan, of course), I still have dread when it comes to making any financial decision or dealing with anything bank-related.
Even the smallest thing, like paying my credit card gives me absolute dread when I press "Pay" on the banking website. This fear is luckily not based in logic, so I really find it puzzling why my "lense of perception" around money is so cloudy...
I am grateful for the opportunity to treat this experience like an experiment and figure out how to solve it; and I am grateful for the time to analyze and get to the bottom of this - as I know most people have this same dread over financial areas of their lives, and they never have time (or make time) to figure out a new "lense of perception" (ie. wipe the dust off their neon green circular John Lennon style sunglasses with holographic $ signs in the center or something similar made in China for a one-time Halloween costume of a drunk hippy pimp ... I am sure that exists, right? right?)
What is it that I dread about money?
Why do I equate it with heaviness? Do you feel the same way?
Even after all the work I have done on myself, all the books, all the online programs, and all the tangible proof of manifestation abilities I have, I am really puzzled how even I still hold onto this feeling of dread/intimidation when it comes to money.
The fact that I experience this means it is very likely (ahem, I know it is) that most people on the planet feel this way when it comes to money... especially creative people who don't necessarily align with a 9-5 lifestyle with a weekly paycheck where you just deposit it and don't think about it....
When I worked at MTV (for 3 days a week) covering environmental/social issues, I had that kind of automatic corporate digital paycheck and it was really fun to receive direct-deposit into my bank account and not think about it...but at the same time, I am sure if I worked there for long enough, I would probably have dread around finances (despite all the "fun free" pizza parties and sponsored-McDonalds employee parties they would have at MTV while i worked there... CAN YOU IMAGINE ME WORKING THERE? LOL ... Like MTV has a real vested interest in helping the planet, ha ha ha - thank you for that experience fueling my awakening and questioning WHY I was being asked to focus on climate change while working there... this is a topic I have discussed in previous posts...)
ANYWAY, yesterday I sat and meditated with my final drops of Indica before the bottle runs out (OMG) and asked "Why am I afraid to make financial decisions?" ; I was told inwardly that "If I make a financial decision but it turns out to be a costly mistake, it will prove to me that I really am stupid just like my dad always said"-
THAT FEELS SO TRUE....
It is like I couldn't handle the emotional possibility of proving him "right" so to protect my Ego, I have avoided any chances to "make a mistake", but how illogical this is (especially now that he is dead and avoiding financial decisions is way more "stupid" than being told you're stupid, right? I just flipped THAT on it's head!)
Here are some other things I learned in meditation yesterday:::
We are led to believe that pain/[rejection] is bad but this shame over experiencing pain ["I shouldn't logically feel this/stop it"] is worse than the pain
Embrace discomfort towards your goals
Shame of feeling pain [while you learn/evolve/try new things] is worse than the pain
Dread of feeling pain is worse than the pain
The pain is natural like birth - necessary discomfort but always tolerable and temporary
The people you are growing apart from are the people who refuse to look at their own inner trauma
There was a time when you couldn’t and couldn’t make eye contact and they’re still in that place and that’s their free will to not change just as it’s your free will to change
You can miss them but they are still *them* - it is YOU who has changed and they equally miss the old you - it is you who is missed because you changed, not them
When someone says *NO* to you you take it to mean you are personally being rejected and your identity is being rejected when that is a lie you were taught by people who equally had their identity tied to yes or no....
This is why you put off [financial applications/decisions] for the 'NO' you may get - you believe it is a NO to YOU as if YOU have a NO worth instead of a 'yes worth'
This is a [false] teaching derived from modern education system that equally did things like make you equate your school grades with your worth; Your acceptance into clubs and colleges as your acceptance as being a *worthwhile* person.
You were taught the unhealthy connection that:
Yes equals worthwhile ;
No equals not worth anything
You are YES worth always and you decide that worth;
It has nothing to do with money or recognition - you must not let your sense of self be - conditional
WOW THAT ALL MADE SO MUCH SENSE (to me, at least)
******
In other words, I have subconsciously felt like my "worth" "intelligence" was tied to my finances (even though I KNOW this isn't logical), and so by giving up money, it is like my worth is lessening.
Equally, by being rejected on financial applications, it is like my worth is being proved to be "not worthwhile enough to invest in"
THIS WAY OF THINKING IS ILLOGICAL BUT THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF MESSAGING THAT SOCIETY DRIVES HOME, OVER AND OVER AGAIN...
We see people on finance magazine covers with "High Net Worth" which is actually super backwards thing to celebrate because that just means they have a lot of money which they are not putting in circulation.
Why should these people be praised more than others? It is illogical that they should be saving billions of dollars when there is so much Good that could be done by spending money on the common good/their local areas...
In CARLEN-VILLE, I would make it so we should stop celebrating people with "High Net Worth" and instead celebrate people who have spent their fortunes on helping themselves heal/live fully and then helping others; buying rainforest land for animal preserves/growing farms etc...
But again, these people, like myself, have equally been brainwashed and likely made the illogical connection that the higher your net worth, the more worthwhile you are....
Clearly, if even I am still being affected by it, with all the years of de-conditioning I have attempted from societal programming, it would make sense why people hoard their money - because they equate it with their worth and safety!
It all makes sense now.
I think that humans have an illogical instinct to hoard food + wealth if they feel like it might run out.... Since we are constantly fed traumatic news stories, it would make sense that people would want to hold onto their wealth, "in case of a catastrophy"; so I also see why people would be fearful of being generous with their money...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY LEARNING TO FARM/BE SELF-SUFFICIENT IS SO ENTICING...
If you can live somewhere (or in a community of people) where you have your basic needs met; like food/water/electricity/medical - then you do not have to continuously hoard wealth because you know that nature and other humans will willingly help you meet your needs.
It is only when you feel completely dependent on a finite system and employ people who you don't believe would actually help you if they weren't getting a pay check, then it makes more sense to hoard money.... since you know that your sense of survival is dependent on having more of it...
THIS TOPIC BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT, WHICH NOBODY EVER SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT:
Isn't it insane that most of the people you interact with, in stores/services would probably NOT be working to help you if they weren't being paid????
Isn't it amazing that almost every person would quit their jobs if they didn't have to do anything?
THIS, in my opinion, is why deep down, money is being hoarded under the celebratory title of "net worth" and why people hold onto as much money as possible even when it is clear that so many people are in poverty/could benefit from a small percentage of these billionaires money; it is because the people with the most money KNOW deep down that society (as we know it) would collapse if people were not doing their jobs out of financial necessity.
For example, masseuses and manicurists would not be touching strangers if they weren't being paid; most caretakers of children and elderly people would not be taking care of strangers' children/grandparents but would instead be with their own family taking care of them!
This is why most supermarkets/convenience stores are trying to automate their employees jobs and build "Self Check Out" computer-scan grocery bagger machines, so they can automate most jobs as soon as possible.... (most likely) to cut costs; but also perhaps deep down because they fear that people might one day 'wake up', come together and ask for a big raise.
I fantasize about all the gardeners and maids in Los Angeles getting each paid millions of dollars and all quitting one day in unison and all the mansions here getting overgrown with weeds/leaves and all the rich physically weak people having to learn how to mow their own lawns/prune their own hedges and clean their own houses.
I fantasize about everyone walking out of their jobs and everything falling to shit for a few weeks while society gets reborn; where everyone realizes they can grow food on their building's rooves/lawns/windowsills, if given the proper information on how to do it....
In 2004, I wrote a screenplay about what would happen if hackers turned off the internet; how society would go completely hay-wire. That was 16 years ago and now it would be even more of a nightmare for all of the industries dependent on wireless connections..
I am not condoning this as a solution to "wake people up" - but I just wonder how we can restructure society in a way where everyone has their needs met without having to sacrifice their self-respect...
I just think how incredible it could be if everyone was doing a job because they wanted to be there; and not for a pay check...
I genuinely believe in the creativity and generosity of the human spirit and I believe that people would genuinely care for the elderly/children/provide food/entertain others if they cared about the people they were providing for. I even believe that there would still be masseuses and prostitutes who genuinely like touching/ having sex with lots of people - doing it for their own excitement, rather than because they are being paid.
People don't need money to be the driving force for action; they only need money to be the driving force when they are asked to do something they don't want to do.
Can you imagine how amazing it will be when people are contributing to the world from their own hearts instead of out of force?
How much better the food will be and the massages will feel when people are doing it with genuine love and feeling because they choose to be there, instead of are forced?
This is what the elite cabal (or whatever you want to call the small group of people who run society) fail to realize; that despite all the trauma they have been through and despite how unloveable they feel, even they would have people help them if they learn to be kind, respectful, appreciative and cooperative.
People who pursue absolute power at the expense of the health and welfare of humanity forget to realize that they are as much a prisoner as the people they are employing to run their system....
Perhaps all of these thoughts I am sharing are partially contributing to my own resistance to dealing with money - it is because I know it is a fake illogical system we have all agreed to make believe is real and it is hard for me to go along with it as if it is actually important!
Either way, I want to be able to surf the wave of the old paradigm and the new paradigm I am sharing as a vision.
I believe in the next few years, the light forces (people who want to be free) and dark forces (traumatized people who want to control others) will get even louder than they are now - and I believe that the vision I am sharing, of people coming together in small communities who are genuinely working together, offering their skills because they want to will finally prevail.
Sometimes in life, your circumstances have to finally get so uncomfortable that you finally make a change; this goes for internally and societally.... and that is what I am trying to do, pre-emptively, by dealing with all of these misbeliefs I am healing now....
OK NOW TIME TO DEAL WITH FINANCES :) My limitless worth is not wavering and neither is yours, regardless of numbers!
