Writing this blog has been an exercise in overcoming my need to be entertaining, liked, and rising past my inner bully which tells me that I am too weird for this planet. As someone who was bullied my entire childhood, coming out of the closet as a "weird person" is a very scary experience but at the same time, I know this is necessary for my own inner revolution, which will energetically be part of our planet's revolution. Many sensitive people like me have also been bullied/traumatized into playing small/pretending to be normal. Because of my "priviledge" as an attractive ethnically ambiguous woman, I could trick people more easily into thinking I was normal/similar to them by dressing similarly to others and adopting their similar mannerisms/vocal cadences/conforming as much as I could. I do not have any regrets trying to mold myself to fit in, as I now see this was an absolutely logical thing to do, especially under the lense of childhood trauma.
What I am learning however is that if we want external revolution and the removal of dark forces which seek to limit our movements/thinking, we need to remove these forces within ourselves.
If we do not want external dictatorships or bullies to rule us, we must stop being a bully to ourselves. We must have a sense of empowerment and deservingness to know that nobody can control us or make us do things against our will unless we agree. This includes us. We are the ones who are creating our realities/making our decisions now, which was true all along, but now we are old enough that we can make legal decisions for ourselves and walk away from situations which we might not have been able to as children.
What is a situation that you have outgrown ? What is a person you have outgrown ?
For me, I believe that my entire existence was trying to fit in so I would not be harmed or bullied; while sprinkling dashes of my authenticity here and there, without sharing my full authentic self, for fear that people would think I was too weird.
I never fit into any group, not even any subculture, and I still don't now. Sure I am "spiritual" but I do not ascribe to any one way of thinking. I believe in Jesus Christ as a magical powerful man but I do not identify as a Christian or a New Age thinker or anything specific with any digestible title.
I honestly feel so alienated in certain ways, as though I have never really fit into anything or any group, unless I tried hard to adapt and contort myself and personality to fit in, which always felt like I was an actor in my own life...tricking people to thinking I was "one of them"
You want to know what is so funny? I may have mentioned before but I have a free horoscope app called The Pattern, ; and I am not exaggerating when I say that today it LITERALLY SAID EVERYTHING I AM GOING THROUGH!!! It is embarrassing how accurate the details of this App are... Even my feelings of alienation, the Pattern app is like 'YEAH I KNOW, CARLEN" - Clearly, I am not the only one learning to break through their false matrix programming.... and how amazing that is! There are many people out there breaking through self-defeating behaviors which once helped them survive in toxic environments like I lived in.... Anyway, if you are into self-development/astrology, I highly recommend downloading this app immediately.
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Now moving on, something I have been enjoying is waking up, drinking coffee and then writing on a notepad everything that is on my mind that is troubling/worrying me that I have been putting off doing... I realize there are a lot of things I have put off out of fear of failure/fear of irrational things like somehow ending up in jail/dying/some other cruel and unusual punishment that is completely illogical to the things I have to do. Perhaps this is past-life related.
I want to make a t-shirt that says "America Runs on Trauma" based on the Dunkin' Donuts expression "America Runs on Dunkin'" with the same color-way (orange and white) and round Homer-Simpson-esque font (making that t-shirt is not one of the things I am putting off or fear of imprisonment, though perhaps it would be copyright infringement)
Yesterday I spent like 6 hours in the huge abandoned-feeling amazing 600 acre park I love going to, which is extremely hard to get to, on a dirt road up a very narrow hill with no protective fence.
When I arrived there, I realize I forgot the headphone-dongle-thing that connects the new iPhone to the old headphones (you know that little unnecessary piece of equipment which is total proof of the environmentally negligent/beyond selfish financial motivations of Apple/proof of Planned Obsolescence) - so I couldn't listen to music but I took this as an Omen that I was supposed to just sit in the woods silently and listen.
I ended up going deep into the woods, off the path and talking to the trees al about my concerns recently; (TALK ABOUT A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE! Haha)
I can honestly say it was one of the most productive times in the woods I have ever had because after much contemplation and talking aloud (THE OAK TREE FELL ASLEEP), I realize that I have pursued codependent friendships my whole life and now I am finally getting out of that; but I feel embarrassed for all the ways I acted as the savior/saved role instead of just having a healthy dynamic with others.... I know that society trains us to be codependent (on authority/the government/approval from strangers over self-approval) but it is just embarrassing at how brainwashed I was....
I left the woods and sat in a field with phone service and I ended up talking to my mom for an hour after I was done talking to the trees in the woods and we decided we are going to to meet in Austin, Texas next month, for a film festival that her new screenplay just WON in "Best Dark Comedy", which I helped contribute to, which I am so proud of her (and myself) for.
To seal the deal, I bought a plane ticket last night and am genuinely excited to go. It's just so funny that I literally was going to drive to Texas this past December in a dramatic-huff of fear/paranoia over civil unrest/mandatory jabs/etc and all the other negative things that hijacked my peace of mind before discovering everything I have these past 5 months, with the help of ayuhuasca, living with a close friend, my therapist's continued support, and the course I am taking.
It is crazy how much I have changed since trying ayuhuasca and it is one of the experiences that taught me to finally trust myself and my deep desires, no matter how illogical they may seem on the surface...
I had never even tried marijuana before 2017 except once, yet I desperately wanted to try ayuhuasca as soon as I heard the word and when I began reading about it, and hearing that "it won't work if you are on antidepressants", it was the final impetus to wean off Prozac; which was quite a journey in itself. (Ayuhuasca is not allowed for people on SSRIs like Prozac because it can permanently mess up your neurotransmitters if combined)
I remember being with a friend 5 years ago (the same friend who accidentally gave me a full dropper of Indica in 2017) and us hanging out at his parents house in Connecticut and him giving me huge psychedelic mushrooms and I ate like 6 of them and had no psychedelic experience because the Prozac blunted any effects. To me, this is a microcosm of the way spirituality has been TURNED OFF by pharmaceuticals. I am sure if I was still on Prozac, this blog would look completely different and/or be non-existent because I would still be chasing the societally-encouraged goals set out for me, instead of listening inward or talking to trees LOL.
America has its spirituality blunted just like I did - and it's hard not to think this is intentional. I am grateful that plant medicine is being legalized but I will say that it seems that medical marijuana prior to legalization was a lot stronger than the kinds they have at dispensaries now.... A perfect example of this is how Rick Simpson Oil (which is a concentrated form of marijuana which has been shown to help people with cancer) is not widely available... but I do believe that people will find strains of plant medicine that helps them, not just ones that make people docile/give them "the munchies", which to me, is the intention of legalization, not spiritual and physical enlightment.
When I look back and see how all the modalities that have helped me are mocked/ridiculed/"not FDA approved", and I have managed to heal from such a wide variety of mental and physical afflictions HALLELUJAH, it is hard not to become conspiratorial and believe that people have been intentionally numbed and cures have been intentionally hidden.
Something the trees said to me yesterday was something they told me 2 weeks ago - that humans are brainwashed to have a sense of confidence/worth based on what others think of them whereas trees are truly confident; they don't need praise/feedback or credit to boost their "sense of self"...
The trees mentioned how even they are an integral part to beauty, they don't mind not getting credit because it is their joy to grow and thrive and sprout flowers and seeds: They described when there is a photo of a steak, there is usually a plant garnish on the side - and that garnish is what makes the food look tantalizing. It is the herbs which give the meat it's flavor.... but it is the meat which gets the credit....and the trees don't care because they don't need credit!
They said that when there is a photo of a beautiful house in an architecture magazine, it is usually the flower-arrangement or hanging plants or greenery which makes people drawn to the photo. When there is a famous landscape or nature photographer, it is the nature which never gets the credit - just the photographer, but they don't NEED credit for any of these things because they know their worth and they know they can keep shining regardless of whether they are appreciated or not....
I love this attitude! May we all keep shining and growing our flowers because we WANT TO, not because we need credit....
I remember going to a really popular artist's art show in Chelsea, (the art district in Manhattan) and I looked at the art for about 1 minute but got distracted because there was such a beautiful orchid plant at the art gallery receptionist's desk and I just stood and stared at this plant for an hour instead of talking to anyone or looking at any art. It's funny because that same artist who had this huge show 5 years ago randomly texted me this past Saturday after midnight inviting me to a party at his house in Los Angeles.
The thought of me trying to fit into a social situations like that now feels so unbelieveably painful but it was funny to be invited. I also would never go to a party where someone invites me after midnight. That is the kind of situation where I imagine a bunch of guys sitting, bored, thinking "let's invite some babes, bro" and just texting any mildly attractive girl in their phonebook, even if they haven't spoken for years... Perhaps this wasn't the line of thinking but that's what it felt like...
THE POINT IS, I highly recommend going into your closest woods without your phone and just talking to trees. It sounds "crazy" but it is really fun, especially if you can accept that you may feel uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes, like you would be in meditation, finally feeling the feelings of discomfort come up that you need to address one of these days anyway...
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Yesterday I mentioned I would share the unique situation that happened to me when I was attempting to buy a Honda Element in 2018...
I was drawn to this particular car because it is one of the only non-van cars where you can fit a mattress and sleep in it; at that time, I wanted this car less less because I was into the "bohemian vanlife lifestyle"; my desire to fit a mattress in a van came from the insecurity I had over the fear that I would never have enough energy/focus to ever make money again once I ran out of my savings -- so I imagined that I would end up living in a car, and Honda Elements are a lot cheaper and more non-descript than Volkswagen Vans or Mercedes Sprinters....
HOW INSECURE MY THINKING WAS IN 2018! However, as someone who was constantly tired/overwhelmed, I see how I could have imagined this fate for myself...
Anyway, I found a Honda Element for sale on Craigslist about an hour away, and so I took a long windy Uber and when I arrived to a random parking lot in a desert-town, I noticed the van and the owner of the van, a short pale girl with pale red hair and very tinted eyeglasses, like an almost-blind person would wear.
This girl was shy and felt very out-of-this-world in a lovely way and she told me she was in art school and had no friends. I told her about my school studies of Spiritual Psychology and she admitted to me that she had spirits who spoke to her, and part of why she lived in her van was because she was trying to escape the spirits.
It's interesting because my school, though a very unconventional place, never discussed the issue of clairaudience/clairsentience or any of the 'clairs' which would make one prone to hearing voices/spirits... however, I met a girl in my school who was institutionalized for a few weeks in a mental institution in Los Angeles during her spiritual awakening, and told me she met all sorts of shamanic women who were channelling messages, and then numbed with pharmaceuticals.... It was very eye-opening to meet 2 lovely women like this, who seemed very much "sane", and it helped me remove the shame for the moments I too have felt "crazy" (ie for talking to trees/etc)
I always try to have an open-mind and empathy with whoever I talk to because I know what it is like to feel crazy and misunderstood; so I asked the seller of the Honda Element more about her predicament/alienation and she took me to get BobaTea at a local tea shop in a stripmall, and told me that she did not know how to shut off the sound of spirits, who talked to her all the time. She told me she asked who the spirits were and she was told "We are Ashtar Command"....
When I got home, I researched Ashtar Command and apparently, this is a very common thing that people hear! Just research Ashtar Command and you will see how prevalent this is!!!! This girl was such a lovely unique person and I see no reason why she would make all this up to me; I could feel her sincerity and her deep fear over her spiritual gifts....
I ended up encouraging her to keep her van so she would always have a vehicle to leave any situation which felt unsafe, and I told her that she was not crazy and that I wished her all the best and wished her spiritual protection.
There are likely millions of people walking around this planet who feel crazy, and even more millions of people who have medicated their 'craziness' so as to fit into this crazy society.
Just like we need to learn boundaries with other humans/authorities/bullies, we also need to learn boundaries with our own inner bullies, and especially for people like the Honda Element owner, we also need to learn boundaries with the spirit world...
Boundaries in all realms start with an understanding that you have the RIGHT to have boundaries; this right is something many don't want us to realize, but luckily, many of us are learning this inspite of societal conditioning....
If this topic is something that resonates with you, I encourage you to check out this wonderful woman OracleGirl and her bully + victimhood removal meditation, which I just discovered today....
I know this blog is getting weirder and weirder but that's part of my exercise in refusing to hide who I am any longer.
Hopefully I can shine a light for others who feel alienated as well, but even if I am just shining a light for myself, that is OK too, just like the plants who offer flowers/fruits/delicious garnish flavorings, regardless if anyone appreciates them or not - as they know, like I am remembering, that creation/expression is a joy in itself.
