Yesterday while making dinner I remembered that I forgot to mention the biggest part to come from that "CRAZY" experience with my friend.
I just added it into the original post from yesterday in bold, if you want to see the addition.
Something I wanted to mention is that I always had terrible grades in school, and used to hate writing. I could never adopt an "academic tone" to my school papers and would get terrible marks.
I now see that as a compliment as I was able to hold onto the conversational-style of writing like I am employing in this blog - and which I much prefer over "professional sounding writers"
I was saved by my inadequacy in "fitting in"
Similarly, I was never taught to cook. It was only in 2017 when I moved to Los Angeles and began making meals for myself did I really begin to take culinary risks and make my own food (based on my imagination)
Because I was never taught recipes by a mother or grandmother, I have used solely my imagination and come up with some of the strangest and most delicious things I have ever had, which fulfill my requirements of avoiding processed foods/gluten/dairy/in-organic foods/being expensive.
Just like in writing, my cooking experience is one where I was saved by the fact that I was not given direction. If I had learned recipes from my mother or grandmother, I would likely have never found out about all the strange things I love like cabbage juice and sauteed pumpkin seeds with curry and figs (which my friend George tried and said was one of the best things he has ever eaten - disregard the fact that he eats most of his meals from the garbage though, haha) - My friend George eats out of the garbage of Nobu and Sugarfish which are 2 of the most expensive sushi restaurants in America; and he says he remembers eating out of the garbage right behind the director Steven Spielberg who was there eating. I think that is just such a funny image that they were both enjoying fresh sushi in such different ways.
ANYWAY, the point I was trying to make is that sometimes when you cannot "fit in", it is a blessing in the long run as you have to pave your own path. Sometimes your "weaknesses" (inability to "fit in") will save you in the long run.
Another example of this is the fact that I have had a terrible memory my whole life (up until now, especially after beginning the process of healing from CPTSD)
As you can imagine, having a bad memory is one of the worst things you could ask for when pursuing a career in acting/stand up comedy/broadcast journalism. Anytime I performed standup , I would write my routine on my wrist, similarly to the way I wrote test answers on my arm in school sometimes. It was the same lack of trust in myself, and clearly, I was not cut out for this type of career.
At the time, I felt so insecure and hated shows like Jeopardy or crossword puzzles where your success was based on what facts you had memorized into your brain. I felt so ashamed that I could not have "normal" conversations with people about current events/history since I was so forgetful; The only types of conversations I flourished at/felt like I could contribute something were when we were discussing things from our imagination, since luckily, I have always had my creativity even when I could not memorize anything.
I now see this as a blessing. Had I had an incredible memory, I would probably now be an actor/news anchor and be sharing the ideas of OTHER PEOPLE instead of my own.
As I may have mentioned, when I was 21, I got my "dream call"; to audition to be a newscaster on The Daily Show with John Stewart; I remember that no matter how much I prepared the copy, I could NOT remember anything and I did terrible at the audition.
Now that I realize media is used as propaganda, I am SO GRATEFUL I COULD NOT MEMORIZE ANYTHING.
All television does is try to distract humanity from becoming heroes in their own lives;
All television does is try to censor/shame and bully people who think differently (ie. people who want to do things antithetical to what the corporate sponsors need to make money - aka heal themselves)
SHAME IS THEIR TACTIC FOR A REASON; it works! (unless you begin to heal the childhood trauma where you associated shame with death, which I am finally healing!!!!)
In a way, my inability to memorize things (which is the hallmark of our Western educational/indoctrination system) saved me!
I would not have discovered everything I have in the last 4 years had I been a "good memorizer" like most people.
In a way, my health challenges saved me to find my authentic self!
Is it possible that whatever you have gone through has been your body's attempt to save you too?
***
My friend Davonte shared an amazing article on his Facebook; about the way social media drips your creative/sexual life force. (To me, creative and sexual energy are pretty similar in that their goal is to CREATE) - I highly recommend checking out his wonderful posts. He is one of my best friends and one of the wisest people I have ever met.
Basically, I now want to be in a CREATIVE mode instead of CONSUMPTIVE mode; so I am not going to be looking at anything right now except my course Empath*ology and anything else I have to do.
I realize, after learning about CPTSD that I have used the internet as a way to "flight" (from the 4Fs - fight,flight,freeze,fawn) from my responsibilities because I have felt too afraid to get anything done.
Now instead of escaping to the internet (and dripping my lifeforce out to whatever I am looking at), I am going to SIT WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF DOING THE THINGS I NEED TO DO.
Deep down, I have internalized my parents/teachers yelling and shame at me for not doing things "perfectly" and this is what's called "the inner critic" (discussed by CPTSD expert, Pete Walker - who I highly recommend checking out)
Rather than running from the "inner critic" (which often manifests in childhood as a response to abuse/traumatic experiences), I can sit with the potential criticisms I face.
Some messages of my "inner critic" which have held me back from moving forward in my life are as follows:
"Carlen, who do you think you are? you are so lazy! you are "too much"; you are "too passionate"; you can't take up space or have needs or love will go away from you; you can't ask questions or you are obviously proving you are 'stupid' like I always thought; you are "too opinionated"; you are "crazy" and nothing you say makes sense; you are not smart enough to invest in cryptocurrency; you are not smart enough to deal with banking issues; you are not strong enough to find a house in the woods; you can't fill out paperwork properly; you are really not as special as you think you are"; you are not strong enough to commit to anything so why bother? ; your ideas are mediocre and you need to wait for the "perfect idea" to come into your brain before you share anything with others; people think you're crazy and stupid; even the people reading your blog are like WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL" "you really have gone off the deep end" "you can't handle any responsiblity" "you are flakey" "you are going to end up in jail, homeless or dead if you take any risks" "you act like you're 17 but are 37. you need to stop focusing on healing yourself and have kids before your biological clock begins ticking" "you would be a terrible parent because you can't take care of yourself" "you can't take care of yourself and it will be SO obvious when you try to take care of yourself... just you wait! Everyone will hate the things you have to share and talk behind your back! The world is unsafe and you can't trust anybody, not even yourself. If you try to open your heart, you will be harmed or taken advantage of. Your sensitivity is pathetic. Grow a thicker skin. You can't handle pain or painful experiences so you clearly can't handle big responsibilities or challenges or being seen by others. Anyone who is criticizing you is seeing the "real you" and they are totally right about you. Your weird beliefs make no sense so stop trying to convince yourself or anyone else. Nobody really likes you anyway! You are too weak, stupid and crazy to ever have an important role in society! Sit back and go on your computer where you are safe."
THANKS INNER CRITIC! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH AT A COLLEGE GRADUATION?
I am sharing all this so you can see what kinds of terrible messaging I have allowed into my psyche as a form of "self protection" from anyone externally saying anything to me that would hurt my feelings, since often times, my father WOULD say things this terrible to me growing up , so I learned to say them to myself as a way to shield myself from the pain of being surprised by external emotional-wounding, which felt just as painful as being slapped.
What is so fascinating is that this "inner critic" (which I believe everyone has, to some degree) is completely manufactured from childhood experiences and is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from my intuition; which is my TRUE INNER VOICE (when it isn't clouded by trauma/toxicity)
This is why I believe cannabis has been so effective for me to hear my true intuition; it manages to "turn off" the running inner-critic so I can hear my true self, which is so encouraging and helpful and believes in me more than I believe in myself.
Dr. Pete Walker has a technique where he suggests writing/journaling all your anger at the people who led you to have such a mean "inner critic" and sometimes telling the "inner critic" that they are wrong!!!!!
Who were the people that helped form such a mean "inner critic" in me?
For me, that would be my family and bullying teachers (Pre-school/Kindergarten/2nd grade/5th grade teachers)
I internalized their inner-criticism because I thought that was the "right way to live"
I have a feeling that the majority of people also have their own inner-critics formed in childhood and it is this inner-critic that keeps most people living as consumers (of products/art) instead of creators of things.
In other words, I believe trauma is an indoctrination tool to keep people from every making things or stepping out of line.
So far, I see it has worked to some extent on me (especially my ambivalence over releasing products/things out to the world), but now I am finally dissolving it since learning about ComplexPTSD and continuing my meditation/nature/plant medicine regimen.
Now, I am going to do all the things I have been putting off, for fear of external punishment/shame/criticism - AND fear of INTERNAL criticism in the form of the Inner Critic. No matter what criticism I face, I am going to say "OK CRITIC, I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING AND I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN BUT I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY"
As my therapist says, NOW WE GET TO BE THE WITNESS TO THAT INNER CRITIC AND LOOK AT IT WITH CURIOSITY INSTEAD OF BLIND ACCEPTANCE; Now you can be curious about your 'scared part' (inner child) and 'inner critic' (inner child's antiquated roadmap/incorrect critical and withheld sense-of-self) and work WITH THEM to move forward, while staying in a place of self-trust and self-love and trust in God. To have CHOICE in your life to move forward even if the "inner critic" tries loudly to keep you 'playing small'
My therapist suggests sitting with the textured/painful feeling and letting the alchemical process occur when the pain dissolved with your loving adult present to it as the loving container to allow the pain to move for the first time since childhood.
BE THE LOVING WITNESS INSTEAD OF THE JUDGEMENT.
I hope if any of this resonated with you that you will look into the role of the "inner critic" and the work of Dr. Pete Walker, author of "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving"
That's all for now! HAVE A NICE DAY, YOU IDIOT. (jk)
