I had a phonecall follow up with the energy healer I worked with who determined I lived a past life in my old building in Los Feliz as a lesbian in the 1930s and abandoned my then-lesbian secret lover, who was later murdered.
She wanted to see how I was doing after such a big session and I told her I really did feel like something lifted (which I truly do)
She and I both shared that we don't like going to vintage clothing stores because we can feel the energy of all the people who owned the clothing.
This was an inconvenient truth for me, as someone who used to love vintage clothing and partially moved to Los Angeles because of all the incredibly affordable vintage clothing (free entity with every purchase!)
Even though it has been inconvenient to start to feel the energetic and spiritual forces on our planet (and listen to my own intuition), I am so glad that I am allowing access to this type of depth as it makes life a lot more interesting and exciting and useful.
It's fascinating because my friend who I am staying with once came to my old Los Feliz apartment when I still lived there (I lived in 2 different apartments in the building complex - the first one, and then moving in with George during the pandemic) and when my friend who I am living with now visited me there (I wanted to see what she thought of the "energy" since I could not concentrate there at all), she felt there was a lot of darkness and sensed the presence of a murder there - though at the time - we didn't go into detail because she wasn't as confident with her spiritual gifts as she is today, 2 years later.
Today when she came back from a trip, I shared with her the energy reading I had and we both got chills as she remembered she had predicted there was a murder there; and felt such confirmation after I told her that my energy reader validated this.
I was telling my friend a story when she said "I am so sorry to interrupt you but the murderer has something to say to you - his name is Charlie";
Just like me, my friend looks like a 'normal pretty girl' so it is just really funny if you can imagine us casually having a conversation over coffee and her being interrupted by the soul of a murderer who killed my lover in a past life;
In that moment, she was communicating with Charlie, the man who murdered my lesbian lover in our past lives in the 1930's - and he wanted to say sorry and that he hopes I forgive him.
I spoke through my heart (a technique the energy healer told me to do when communicating with anyone, living or dead), and I told him that I do forgive him and I hope he can leave the apartment complex.
He apparently smiled and told my friend to tell me "thank you" and "that I will be successful and powerful soon"- which I was like, THANKS, GHOST MURDERER CHARLIE!
My friend described Charlie as a huge man in a wife beater and a chain necklace with oily slicked back dark hair. That is exactly how I pictured him too.
Anyway, obviously the types of friends I gravitate to now are very different than the career + "normal life" focused friends I had in the past.
On this topic, yesterday I text messaged an old best friend of mine, who had been my best friend for 11 years and who I feel has distanced himself from me in the past few years.
Over text, I bluntly asked him if he believes I went crazy and became a q anon conspirtualist person.
He admitted over text that he did feel that way, and he said we should have a phone call soon.
I was grateful that he was honest and equally proud of myself for reaching out to him, as I know that is very new for me.
And now, more than ever, I have absolutely no attachment to the outcome and whether he and I are ever friends again.
I do not think of myself as a conspiritualist (that is a reference) however I am alright for someone to depict me that was as people like to have simple labels for complex things just like people like to have simple conspiracies for complex world events and situations.
Since 2015, when I first learned about WikiLeaks, I was completely transfixed as I felt extremely confused why it was so immediately debunked and why Julian Assange was automatically deemed an evil-doer instead of a journalistic saint, risking his life in pursuit of truth. His rape allegations immediately felt false to me, and I didn't understand why I was so obsessed with this case.
When he was immediately criminalized, I took notice and something didn't feel right and his treatment and immediate pariah-status made me question the way our legal system and media systems operate.
To top it off, the extent of the documentation contained in WikiLeaks was extremely troubling, if any of it was true. From there, I was perplexed why this information was so immediately ridiculed, and it was that censorship that gave fire to the possible validity of the seemingly-outlandish claims made in WikiLeaks (I won't go into those claims but they involve a lot of creepy stuff)
I remember telling this same friend that I wondered if there was any validity to PizzaGate to any extent (which was equally dismissed without any sort of unbiased detective work, which seemed odd, despite the outlandish claims)
All of the immediate censorship and ridicule happening on Late Night Talk Shows (depicting Julian Assange as a bad guy and Edward Snowden as a good guy) made me feel slightly concerned that there was at least a slight plausibility that there could be some truth to WikiLeaks .
It was this moment in 2016 that I could tell my friend (the same friend I confronted yesterday) started to feel alienated from me for even bringing up the possibility that there may be child trafficking in elite circles, even if "PizzaGate" was fake.
It was a slow and steady descent of our friendship from there on in.
The irony was that it was this same friend who gave me marijuana in 2015, and then in 2017, which were both 2 of the biggest wake up calls of my life and opened my 3rd eye to accessing my intuition (which is the same intuition which is now deeming "crazy").
I actually have never shared the experience we had in 2015 together, which, just like in 2017 was an extremely influential experience in my life.
As I have mentioned, after I made The Color Wheel, I began writing a script for a movie called Loners Together, inspired by 2 of my favorite movies Grey Gardens and Harold and Maude (which I referenced yesterday in this blog)
The script was about a mother and daughter who lived together in a messy house in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn surrounded by pets and plants (played by me and my mother, as ourselves).
Like me, the daughter was obsessed with avoiding aging/wrinkles/an asexual hypochondriac, while the mother loved the sun and didn't mind wrinkles.
One day the daughter meets a boy on the subway who is a youthful handsome 20 year old photographer.
The girl and the boy become friends and it turns out the boy is only a photographer of elderly people (somewhat influenced by my friend Ari of the blog Advanced S.tyle, who I lived with for 3 months in 2016)
The girl finds a doctor who claims he can stop the aging process and she is deciding if she wants the secret of youth (which is very expensive) ; like everything else in the script, this aspect of the story was based on a real encounter I had with a very shady doctor I met in Long Island in 2014 who told me I had "old cells" and he could cure them for thousands of dollars. I declined but found the entire experience extremely surreal and worthy of being incorporated into a script somehow.
Meanwhile, this girl develops falls in love with the boy and he confesses "she is not his type" but in fact. he has an elderly fetish; and is actually only attracted to elderly women; so the girl has to decide if she wants to keep avoiding aging/has the expensive procedure to stop aging;
or if she wants to let herself age and have love in her life with the boy with the elder fetish.
And then the mother gets skin cancer and everything goes haywire.
THE END
(I wrote this all before my dad got cancer, how apropos)
I bring all this up in detail because this movie was something I was especially passionate about because it very much mirrored the way I went through life;
I was obsessed with avoiding the sun and avoiding aging and I was only attracted to guys who were wrinkle-less and usually younger than me.
My longest term boyfriend was 21 when I began dating him and I was 27. To this day, 10 years later, he still looks 21. I remember taking him to the slutty fast-fashion shop Forever21 in TimesSquare and feeling a very weird sense of pride, as if somehow his youth would translate onto me, as the "older woman" - isn't that sick?
Anyway, the point is, in a way, this movie very much paralleled my own twisted relationship to aging. It was more of a weird documentary than a fictional story...
Now that I understand CPTSD, I am learning this stunted development/romanticization of youth is actually a VERY COMMON THING for people who experience trauma and have CPTSD; they have a big fear of aging and "becoming an adult" as, most likely, they subconsciously believe that they will be unsafer than ever once they are an "independent adult" so try to control this through halting aging however they can; whether that's through expensive wrinkle creams or avoiding all adult responsiblity (2 things I both tried to do my whole life)
I dreaded being an adult; being a grownup, I assumed, was going to be doubly-terrible compared to being a child (which, luckily, is quite the opposite reality, it turns out, since I am now making the rules for myself and keeping myself in only safe places with safe people and healthy food and I do not tolerate people yelling at me or disrespecting me in any way - including myself)
(PS The amount of disrespect we tolerate from others is a sign of the way we disrespect ourself - but that is a topic for another time)
Anyway, the point is, this same friend, who was my friend for 11 years who now thinks I am crazy -- So he and I went to California from New York in 2015 and he bought marijuana at a dispensary like he usually did, and we sat in Venice at his AirBnB and I remember I got so high for the first time. (minus one time at age 21 where I watched the Simpsons with a group of stoners and couldn't move my body because I felt so high)
In the Venice AirBnB, we were sitting by candlelight, listening to beautiful music by the singer Grouper and after a few inhales of the wacky tobbacky, all of a sudden, I felt this knot in my head untie in such a strange way.
Firstly, it showed me my OCD (which I had since age 9 until that moment, which developed after 3 almost-drowning incidents in Costa Rica that summer) as a gray greenish ball in my head -
Once I saw it, I laughed at it and the more I laughed, the more it dissolved. This was one of the biggest healings of my OCD.
(though it has dissolved all the way to the end this past week in therapy which is a story for another time!!!)
Back to 2015 - shortly after seeing this greenish gray ball dissolve (which I know I mentioned a long time ago when I first began this blog experiment at the beginning of the pandemic), I was told by my inner-voice that the reason I was afraid of aging was that I was afraid of death - but that I did not have to be afraid any longer.
Aging and death are only feared in our modern culture whereas they are actually a cause for celebration. My fear of wrinkles was a way to try to control my access to protection from adults and access to love and survival; but that this was a waste of my life force.
As soon as I heard all of this, it was clear to me that my reasoning for living this controlled anti-aging way and making the movie were no longer my worldview, and therefore, it would be pointless to continue trying to make the film since I solved the underlying issue prompting me to see the world in such an immature and controlled way.
That very night I decided I did not want to make Loners Together any longer, but just like my experience I shared yesterday, I did not feel confident telling anyone about my inner awakening as the true reason for abandoning the project.
Soon after that trip, the movie sort of dissolved - just like the green grey ball in my head - but I know it was a blessing especially because of all the weird plot twists I had with potential producers/actors/funders which I alluded to (including the Hollywood celebrity, and director who took me to St Barths among other things). I knew it was a blessing I did not make that movie with all that stuff running internally in my mind....
The point is, I credit this friend (the same friend who now thinks I am crazy) with effectively "helping me to go crazy" (aka, finally get sane) with the help of marijuana and other plant medicine.
It was this same friend who came back to LA in 2017 and we had a parallel scenario, which I have discussed before, where we went to a marijuana dispensary and he bought more marijuana. It was this time where we drove to San Diego together a week after my father passed away, and unbeknownst to me, while lying in a hotel in San Diego, my gave me a full dropper of Indica (instead of CBD, which is what I thought it was), which was the medicine that would change my life forever.
It was this night where so many things happened, which I have alluded to in other posts. I can't even get into all of it now but that was the night where I decided that I did not want to make a television show about environmental issues - which was the next project I took on after abandoning Loners Together.
In summary: That was the night where I laughed for an hour; cried for an hour; had sex with some sort of ghost/invisible entity* in the room ; and then hooked up with my friend, which is when I had my first orgasm.
*(this sounds obviously insane but it really happened and is something I did not believe would ever happen and actually something I made fun of after seeing that amazing ghost realtor episode of Nathan For You - but trust me, it really did happen and it was so surreal and validated that there is more to reality than meets the eye)
As if those experiences weren't surreal, especially for someone who was as tightly-wound/skeptical/"logical"/closed-minded as I was at the time, the biggest moment happened was when I was lying on the bed after all of this happened and had my eyes closed. All of a sudden I heard a very loud voice say to me
"Stop trying to save Earth. I have many, many other planets. Earth will be fine. Focus on saving yourself. I mean it, Carlen."
UM, OK?!
Just like in 2015 with the voice telling me that wanting to make my directorial-debut, Loners Together deep-down came from my fear of aging/death, and was no longer necessary after the 1st cannabis experience;
Now in 2017, cannabis came to be a "party pooper" yet again (ie. best thing that ever happened) to stop me from making the television show "Carlen Saves the World" which I was set to do - and which was my "childhood dream" (and which is the main reason I moved to Los Angeles 2 months earlier)
In my mind, I believed making this show would literally be a catalyst to saving our planet from environmental destruction.
Now I see that saving "myself" WAS the best thing I could do for this planet; (whether there are many other live-inhabited planets out there as the voice suggested)
Now in 2021, 4 years after this experience, I have come to the conclusion that the voice was absolutely right;
All of us brave people healing ourselves are raising the frequency of this planet in such a way that the darkness/control grid cannot rule us blindly or feed off our fears any longer. We are finally getting braver and braver to be our authentic selves without shaming ourselves for being or thinking differently.
The internet has helped us to validate that there are thousands of other people like us, who are equally questioning the narratives we and our parents and grandparents and farther back have been told to believe.
I am so happy I listened to "the voice" and did not try to make that show.
Now that I understand ComplexPTSD, it all makes so much sense why I was trying to save the world!
I never felt safe growing up, and because I was in denial over the fact that it was my parents who made me feel unsafe, I tried to fantasize that "If only I saved the Earth, I would FINALLY FEEL SAFE"
Now I know that I CAN keep myself safe (a lot safer than my parents kept me; or ANYONE who I trusted as an authority kept me)
I am so grateful I realized all this and now I can do true activism in a way that is actually effective; starting with the Self.
Yet again, plants saved me when I was trying to do the saving!
Now, I cannot ignore my intuition (since I detoxified from anything that could numb it), and as "inconvenient as it is" I am so thankful for this!
After that experience in 2017, as I mentioned, everytime I tried to "ignore the message" and continue on with the show (from April 2017-September 2017 when I finally put it to an end), it literally felt like angels/aliens choking me when I would try to move forward with writing/taking meetings.
Of course, I could not, with a straight face imagine telling the production companies and the lovely people behind them all of these details so I didn't - but I am sharing it here as it really goes to show that our intuitions will try to be as loud as possible to save us, if only we let them.
Honestly - Not doing that show (and removing the belief that the world would be doomed without me) is one of the most important shifts of my life.
As I have mentioned, I have been trying to save Earth since I was 7 years old and learned that cows were turned into hamburger.
I founded my highschool's Environmental Club, interned at Sierra Club, thought I wanted to be an environmental lawyer and then changed my career goals to comedian/actor because I saw that "famous people" had (seemingly) more of an influence in environmental/humanitarian policy.
I now realize this is completely wrong (though I see why I took on this belief system) ; I currently believe that thoguh many actors are well-meaning, they are mostly used as "useful idiots" to persuade the public to supporting things which are in line with the Old Paradigm agenda of Earth pillaging (under the guise of war/"helping other countries") instead of the New Paradigm agenda of Earth rebuilding. '
I am so glad "the voice" I heard saved me that night, like the night in 2015. I am so glad that I have detoxified enough to hear "the voice" even louder than before.
It doesn't speak at all times; but I have a feeling it is always there. Like I said, I have been afraid of going "crazy" my whole life, and the irony is that now I feel saner than I have ever felt, being a "normal person"
Trust that if you feel crazy, it is because you don't fit into this world - and honestly, at this point, that's a GOOD THING.
I never thought I would say this but I now see being "crazy" as a compliment in such a bizarre-ly run/toxified planet!
As you can imagine, despite all the weird things that have happened to me, that night was really the craziest weirdest best night of my life and I am glad I can share it with a straight face, finally, after 4 years.
I just think it is so funny that my poor friend was probably like "I am giving Carlen Indica and we will cuddle and go to bed" and meanwhile, I had the craziest weirdest night ever.
Definitely NOT a "NETFLIX AND CHILL" kind of night...
More like INDICA AND SEXORCISM kind of night.
I just find everything so interesting and how thankful I am for this friend to have been the catalyst to my healing even though now he thinks I have gone "crazy" in my healed version.
If only he hadn't exposed me to the power of cannabis, I might have still been youth+fame obsessed and would be filled to the gills with vaccines now.
(I don't think so, but who knows....)
I am so glad I was saved and am finally having friends who like the 'crazy' version of me - which has been the true me all along, underneath the conditioning and trauma.
This same friend has made millions of dollars in cryptocurrency and the wonderful thing is, I am truly happy for him. I don't feel like I need to impress or keep him in my life if he doesn't want to truly be there - and I don't need anyone anymore who doesn't like the real me.
I remember asking him to explain it to me in 2017 and him telling me "It is too hard to explain" so at the time, I only bought one coin out of fear... but guess what, I finally learned how to invest in cryptocurrency on my own (with my doctor)
In the last four years, though I didn't invest in cryptocurrency, I invested in something far greater and everlasting - myself.
All I need is my authentic self and my intuition to get through this life
(AND SEX WITH A FRIENDLY GHOST SOMETIMES, JK)
