HOW PRETENTIOUS IS THIS PHOTO HAHA
I just want to thank you for reading this SECRET blog of mine.
(PS I AM LISTENING TO THIS SONG BY CAT STEVENS - from one of my favorite movies HAROLD AND MAUDE)
Seriously, I am baffled how anyone is even finding this blog but either way I thank you for reading it.
I actively do not promote this blog in any way and even blocked it from showing up in Google search engines due to my self-consciousness over the subject matter I discuss (versus the things I shared "publicly" as a hipster doofus libtard (jk) Z list actor hahaha) so the fact that you are here is like finding a weird creek in the wilderness of the internet, listening to a babbling troll that nobody would believe existed if you told them (IT ME)
I don't mean to be a broken record but learning about ComplexPTSD 2 1/2 weeks ago has changed my life. Since age 5, I literally have been spending my whole life looking for answers as to why, for the entirety of my life (until now) I needed to sleep 10 hours a day, why I was an absolute perfectionist, why I had OCD, why I couldn't stand crowds, why I had brain fog, why I couldn't memorize ANYTHING (and why I had to improvise both my standup comedy and film participation every time, why I did terribly in school, why I had only been attracted to very feminine passive-aggressive beta males (no offense if you are reading this and someone who I dated oops haha) , why I avoided intimacy at all costs, why I was so deeply afraid of men ("manly" men, that is).
Besides weaning off of all antidepressants, healing my Gardasil injury and changing my diet completely, now that I am aware of how much emotional trauma I experienced growing up - and healed my fear of men more than ever before, I finally feel safe to exist in society.
I have been pretty much single since the age of 29 (when I first attempted to wean off Prozac) and during this time, I have been diligently working on myself ... and I am so glad that I did!
In the past 2 days, I have been trying to think about what I perceive an attractive man to be (to me) now versus what I thought an attractive man was in the past to me (before discovering the extent of my emotional trauma and CPTSD)
In the past, the people I was attracted to were extremely funny, youthful (usually younger than me) but couldn't handle jobs/responsibility and especially couldn't handle vulnerable or serious conversations without becoming defensive/distant.
This is exactly how I WAS and how my father was and now I understand why I was attracted to these kinds of men; as a way to try to finally "heal" the lack of love I felt from my father, I sought it in others who were similar... Equally, since I was shamed for having needs/feelings, I probably avoided people in touch with their feelings as it would have confused my inner-world-view/suppression which, up until now, I took to equate self-censorship with "being a good daughter/partner/person"
"IF I HAD TO CENSOR MYSELF, THEN EVERYONE I WAS WITH SHOULD HAVE TO DO IT AS WELL, DAGNABBIT!" (who says that phrase anymore?)
Now that I am healing and finally aware of the role of ComplexPTSD in my life and healing journey/confusion, I have gratefully reframed what I think of as a healthy/attractive man and what I am looking for in a partner.
To me, being an attractive man is someone who is strong, stands up for himself and his family even when it isn't popular, allows himself to cry instead of shaming emotions because he knows it will pass, respects himself and his family, only tolerates respect from himself and working relationships; tolerates respect in his body in the form of proper exercise and healthy food, and ideally, keeps a sense of humor, which is the most important trait of all to me.
Two men who I think of as true heroes are Tim Ballard and Dr Tommy John.
Tim Ballard travels around the world and saves children from human trafficking situations, especially in Africa. He does not receive a lot of recognition but he is truly a HERO and embodies the type of character traits I now find attractive. Brave, strong, and does what's right even if it isn't easy or popular.
Since 2016, when I first began weaning off of Prozac, and my intuition started to come back, I became very skeptical of Bill and Hillary Clinton and specifically The Clinton Foundation as they are deeply involved in Haiti and I now believe, more than ever, that they are involved with some weird intense child trafficking, either for selling their organs or selling them into sexual slavery. I know this blogpost took a very weird turn OOPS but I bring this up because I believe Tim Ballard must be aware of this as he spends a lot of time in Haiti rescuing children from trafficking and the Haitian government has publically stated that they wish the Clinton family would leave Haiti...
In one of my plant medicine ceremonies, I was told suddenly that Hillary Clinton hates her life and only stayed with Bill Clinton so she could one day become president and gain the recognition she always wanted. She felt so humiliated that his cheating was so public and deep down, she hates other women, and especially minorities... and she is filled with hate. I was like OK THAT'S A FUN SURPRISE I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO HEAR. But that's what came through so I began looking into it and it absolutely feels true to me. So many women are "feminists" but secretly hate women and themselves and try to be "masculine women" in hideous pantsuits or their equivalents, with probably gross yeast infections but oops why am I even going there hahaha.
Anyway, the point is, the women who we have been taught to celebrate in history are all pretty awful in that they hold power by pretending to be men, instead of leading as a powerful woman. This is a big topic in itself but it is something I have been thinking about since about 2016, when I started to feel alienated from mainstread liberal activism.
All of my inclinations/crazy theories have seemed to come true (unfortunately) such as my skepticism over The Womens March and Black Lives Matter, which have both been publically outed in recent months as dishonest and disconnected financially from their public personas.
Here is the most recent news about BLM, which has been banned from Twitter which really makes you think, doesn't it?
When I didn't go on Instagram and post that vague black square to "show solidarity" with BLM, I am sure that many people thought I was insensitive and/or possibly racist.
In fact, it was the complete opposite. I saw this tactic for what it was; a manipulation on the hearts of well-meaning activists to sublimate their frustrations into social media and donating to a dishonest organization called BLM (which went straight to it's own company and ActBlue which was funnelled to the Democrat party), and which is clearly dishonest.
I WAS RIGHT! (though I wish I wasn't!)
PS I LOVE THE IDEA OF SOMEONE WHO IDENTIFIES AS WRONG WING INSTEAD OF RIGHT WING (NOT THAT I IDENTIFY AS ANY "WING")
ALSO THE IDEA OF A BUILD-A-BEAR GROUP INSTEAD OF BILDERBERG GROUP HAHA
(like imagining if all of the political and financial leaders of the Bilderberg Group are sitting in the woods just building build-a-bear toys instead of trying to figure out how to keep the old paradigm running)
ALSO I WISH BOHEMIAN GROVE WAS THE NAME OF A VINTAGE STORE! (research Bohemian Grove if you haven't)
ANYWAY, (you can research all these topics in your own time as they will take you down some fun rabbit holes)
Moving on --
I remember listening to an amazing talk in 2015 by Russell Brand, all about how corporations/governments create slogans which are memorable and hard to deny - such as McDonalds "I'm Loving it" // the Army's "Support the troops" and now BLM "Black Lives Matters";
In the last 2 cases, there is a subconscious manipulation happening where if you don't support the army, you are essentially implying "You don't support the troops" which will make you feel insensitive as if you don't value anything that the troops are doing. This is the same case with the term BLM; if you say you don't support the organization BLM, you are effectively implying you don't believe that Black Lives Matter, which will cause you to feel insensitive and be deemed racist and/or cancelled.
To me, these slogan choices were intentional exactly for that reason; because by disagreeing with the organizations, you are effectively implying that you do not care about troops and/or black people (even if this is a logical fallacy to make)
That being said, this is why I have not publically questioned criticized BLM (except briefly and cryptically on this blog) as I did not want to appear racist (even though one of my friends who is black also does not trust BLM either and equally feel self-conscious about bringing this up for fear of seeming like a traitor)
Nobody wins when we self-censor.
This is the problem with "cancel culture" as it squashes any kind of productive dialogue. To me, this is actually the point of cancel culture, which I tried to lovingly and humorously express in one of my Instagram posts before deleting it off my phone (and ironically, got cancelled and unfollowed for even broaching this subject)
Learning about CPTSD however has made all of society make more sense.
Because childhood trauma and ACE's (adverse childhood experiences) are extremely common (honestly, who DIDN'T get bullied by parents/teachers or classmates at one point or another before age 7?) - when we have trauma and we are confronted with any sort of threat, we shut off our parasympethic response and prefrontal cortex and immediately use our most primitive reptilian part of the brain - the amygdala - which does not use logic to make decisions, but goes off of emotions to either fight,flight,freeze or fawn (be obsequiously complimentary to your predator/authorities as a survival tactic)
This entire pandemic and even before then, we are constantly bombarded with fear on television which makes us consistently stop using our prefrontal cortex and go straight to our amygdala, which doesn't always help us make the best decisions for our long term survival. THIS IS ALL INTENTIONAL. This is how governments have gotten away with things for our "safety" such as the Patriot Act; because they were preceded by September 11th, which was obviously very traumatizing for anyone to learn about.
Does it all make sense more and more to you too?
NOW BACK TO MY INITIAL INTENTION OF THIS BLOG POST -- the other hero of mine is a man who has been recently banned from Instagram named Dr. Tommy John, who is a chiropractor in San Diego and has an amazing podcast on health.
He is incredibly funny and inspiring and has a totally different approach to health which treats diseases as messengers of inner toxicity. This is something I absolutely agree with.
He compellingly argues that the body and brain are PERFECT in that they are always trying to keep us alive however they can.
TOMMY JOHN IS ONE OF MY NEW HEROES! He speaks up for what is right even when it is not popular and is extremely funny.
As I may have shared before, most people who cannot lose weight are unaware that they are carrying pounds of heavy metals and other types of toxicity in that bodyfat, and the fat is there to stop the toxins from ever reaching their organs, but they treat the fat as the "enemy" when in actuality the fat is their BEST FRIEND, doing everything it can to help the person from actually getting organ failure should the toxins not get held into the fat!
Just in the same way, my anxiety and OCD were ways to help me feel safe in environments where I actually wasn't safe. My brain worked incredibly to help me forge through life with a feeling of freedom and self-created safety (even if that freedom and safety was a prison onto itself)
Last night, I had an idea:
Prozac helped me survive in a life that was not for me.
Being on Prozac from age 21-32 really did help me accomplish all kinds of things that were my attempt to succeed in the matrix (which I no longer want):
Such examples of my success due to emotional + spiritual repression via Prozac were... living in NYC, running my jewelry line, acting and movie roles/writing, working at MTV, befriending all kinds of unique "succesful" people in NY and LA who equally were buying into the illusion that fame and recognition would finally make them happy while ignoring their inner toxicity and trauma. (which isn't their fault, of course)
Being on Prozac helped me tolerate living in the insane traumatic place that is NYC and tolerate disrespect and sexual overtures by men in the industry (even sexual inappropriate behavior by my female agent at CAA for the brief time I had an agent)
Being on Prozac helped me blindly support Bernie Sanders without learning the underlying potential issues with socialism in America or any other country that is beholden to pharmaceutical and private-prison financial demands.
Prozac helped me ignore my intuition to question people/governments/and turn off the inner siren that said 'HEY, THIS IS NOT RIGHT, CARLEN. WAKE UP!"
Once I detoxified from Prozac and Flouride and processed foods and GMOs, I could NOT GO ON ANYMORE THE WAY THINGS WERE.
Literally, in 2017 once I came back from Bali, I actually felt like angels were choking me everytime I began to think of doing my television show.
In fact, it was this reason more than any other that I told the television producers that I did not want to make it right now.
Luckily, I had my dad's recent death as an excuse as I don't think I could have comfortably said "HEY ___ PRODUCTION COMPANIES/FUNDERS, I REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS SHOW ON ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES BUT I FEEL LIKE ALIENS OR ANGELS ARE CHOKING ME EVERYTIME I TRY TO MOVE FORWARD ON IT, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING"
By detoxifying, I started to see the world completely differently and feel a sense of force to listen to my intuition (or the pain of doing things out of alignment ie. making that show would be too emotionally painful to experience)
I believe that so many people are not seeing things the way I am (ie. blindly trusting the government and the media and their intentions as if they have the best interest for humanity's liberation) because like me, they are still under the spell like I was. I understand and have compassion for them, like I do for my younger self who thought Al Gore was a hero (newsflash: he isn't to me anymore)
In my opinion, almost all the people we have been told to worship as heroes in our society have all been working to keep our society in a mental+physical slave-like condition that has harmed the planet and all it's inhabitants. That also includes Elon Musk, who I am finally realizing is not looking to give free energy away.
Nikola Tesla would be offended by the way Elon Musk is using his name while trying to sell people artificial intelligence as a beneficial commodity instead of the truth, which is it's surveillance nature and attempt to shut off the organic/spiritual force within humans that is Divine/Organic/Real Intelligence instead of artificial.
People who promote genetic modification and artificial intelligence must not believe in God or themselves, otherwise they would feel we are perfect as we are.
LASTLY, ANY CELEBRITY PROMOTING SOMETHING IS USUALLY GOING TO BE BAD FOR YOU!
This blog post has been an exercise in bravery. Thank you for attending.
PS EPSTEIN DID NOT KILL HIMSELF BWAHAHA HAVE A NICE DAY
