Thank you to the VERY SWEET DONATION from a new friend and blog reader here with the initial P.

 This whole experience of reaching out for money for Goblin's sudden health expenses was a really great experience for me in learning about myself.

My whole life, I have never felt like I deserved lots of money because I did not do well in school and I did not have a mathematical mind and my parents never made money from their creativity despite both being very creative. 

Though my dad was a comedian, he lived off of the stock dividends he inherited from my grandmother because he did not have consistent energy to perform comedy. His "comedy hayday" was in the 1970s but by the 1980s his comedy money pretty much ran out and he lived off of stock dividends which amounted to less than $20,000 a year. He lived very frugally because of this and I know that he felt very inadequate because he could not control his anxiety or temper to sustain a career or keep his focus enough to commit to writing new comedy materials. Note: I cannot speak for him fully because I am not him but I inherited his DNA and I know this is all true in my core.

My mom was also very creative and in her 20s, worked at Esquire magazine doing graphic design layout until her boss gave someone else a promotion and my mom quit out of a feeling of rejection and often regrets that she didn't stick with her love of art. 

My mom dropped out of college, where she studied marine biology, because she hated it. My dad majored in Drama at the University of Miami and his parents were really sad because they were very financial and industrious and thought of a drama degree as a waste of time. 

My dad decided to go into advertising in his 20s and then was asked to open a coffee shop with a friend of his in Florida called THE FLICK. My grandparents paid for this investment so my dad owned a coffee shop for a short time - which was a really amazing place in the 1960s, where all sorts of bands began playing.  The Flick was a very big deal for the folk music scene in 1960s America and where Joni Mitchell began her career. You can look up this coffee shop if you like. It is really cool and seems like somewhere I would have loved to hang out.

I am very fascinated with Joni Mitchell because of her claim to have Morgellon's syndrome as this is one of those health issues which is ridiculed by mainstream doctors but seems to have validity when you learn about nanobots, borax, and targeted individuals/etc - but this is completely for another time. I pray she finds healing!

ANYWAY the point I wanted to make was that my dad was an owner of this coffee shop and then this is where he began his comedy career and then it took off for the 1960's-1970's and he said he could buy whatever he wanted; and then by the 1980s he lost his trendy career because his "hippy style" wasn't in vogue anymore and he couldn't conform to the demands of the 1980's comedy trends and he felt inadequate and began living on this stock dividends, which is why he was reluctant to pay my mother child support once my parents divorced at age 3 because he was very worried his money would run out.

My mother on the other hand always managed to have jobs - always working for creepy inappropriate/large personality men who lacked respect, and my mom always resented working for other people. She started her own theatrical business when I was in highschool and she has done that for the last 20 years, even though she hates it. 

She is an incredible and unique artist but she never made money selling her artwork - except once, when she made a recreation of the twin towers out of Matzah bread, and sold it - but then it tipped over, the the people who bought her art took it as an omen that there would be another terrorist attack and apparently left New York and moved back to Europe. I made my mom an art website here

ANYWAY, the point is - I never saw either of my parents make money with their creativity. They always thought of their creativity as a hobby and never took themselves seriously enough to make their identity "a comedian" or "artist"

Both my parents experienced really inhumane illegal child abuse and trauma growing up - for my dad it was physical and mental - and for my mother, it was physical, sexual and mental. Nobody stepped in to protect my parents and both my parents never had functional romantic relationships for more than a few years (their 4 year marriage is the longest relationship they had both been in). Both my parents are Projectors in Human Design and both of them are extremely sensitive and empathic and were way closer to animals than they were to people, which is how I have been, and why Goblin's death is so hard for me.

I believe that in order to express yourself creatively - or want to create in the form of children - you need to feel like it is SAFE to create. Because neither of my parents were encouraged to create - or given safe environments to grow up - they have inadvertently passed this feeling onto me. A feeling that it is not safe for me to create.

They both verbally encouraged me to share my gifts - but as I am learning more and more, children learn more by ACTIONS than words. If you don't show a child that it is safe to be yourself - and that it is safe to receive money for being yourself - then this speaks a lot louder than anyone saying "Follow your dreams" to you.

I share this not to paint myself as a victim or a "woe is me - I am doomed to be broke" kind of person - but I do this to share that as I am learning more and more, our parents/grandparents/great grandparents have A LOT more of an effect on our personalities than we are told.

When I made the movie The Color Wheel, I made absolutely no money from it. EVER. I actually probably could file some legal action to see if I am owed anything but I want to step away from that experience - but that was a perfect example of something where I never made any money and never felt like I deserved any money since I was just improvising and being myself (which was not "worthy" of money like being a "smart person" in an office) - which was a mindset probably carried from my dad and the disappointment he experienced from his parents.

When I worked at MTV, I worked 3 days a week (for a boss similar to the kinds my mom had) and only survived living in Brooklyn because I slept in a tiny room and was very frugal with money. When I started my jewelry company Jewish Rosaries, I used $1,000 which my grandmother gave me, and I managed to begin a real business, and get featured in THE TODAY SHOW for my products/etc.... but I was constantly exhausted and overworked to the point that I had to stop making jewelry all together (This had a lot to do with heavy metal toxicity from jewelry work and getting the Gardasil vaccine at age 25 more than it was the physical demands of running a business but that's also for another time) - My experience with running a business very much mirrored my mother's business experience.

THE POINT IS - this blog has been the first pure and honest authentic expression / creative thing I have ever committed to - and in a weird way, when I asked for financial help for my pet rabbit, deep down there is a part of me that feels I don't even "deserve" money whatsoever because of all the toxic programs I have inherited from my parents and society - that "being myself" does not deserve money.

Our outer world is entirely a reflection of our inner beliefs and I am so grateful to the one person who has donated for Goblin - who ironically, is also an artist (if you are reading this, thank you again!)

I am equally grateful to see all the shame I feel at the fact that nobody else donated anything as if you all think I am a trainwreck and are secretly judging me or thinking I am some spoiled brat because I am living with my friend at her family's house in Beverly Hills.

I am grateful for what I have not received through this experience as much as what I have received. 

By all of you not donating to my medical expenses (minus the one incredible friend who did), it really brought up a lot of things in me regarding my own feelings around making money.

I realize that I have been under the false impression that it is not safe for me to receive - and that I don't deserve to receive - and that I am too crazy or weird or too much to receive.

I had a moment where I was going to just make this blog private and ONLY send it to 4 people and make it inaccessible for the rest of you, out of my feelings of rejection and hurt over none of you donating money - but then again, I realize that it is so important to be yourself and  share your arts and give your talents without any expectations.

None of you owe me anything and I do not owe you anything and I am so grateful that I am getting to uncover an even deeper level of healing through this experience of losing my absolute best friend Goblin so suddenly, and incurring all these sudden expenses.

It just feels sad that I have been so extremely vulnerable to all of you since last April and not receiving anything except the one lovely donation yesterday (from a very new blog reader compared to most of you) just really brought up a lot of my own inner inadequacy feelings.

"SEE CARLEN, WHEN YOU ARE YOUR TRUE SELF, NOBODY WILL SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU NEED HELP. YOU SHOULD HAVE CONTINUED TO BE A FAKE PEOPLE PLEASER AND NOT TALKED ABOUT VACCINES OR 5G OR SEXUALITY/YOUR GROWING CONFIDENCE AND CONTINUED TO BE WEAK AND OUTER-OPINION-FOCUSED AND MAYBE THEN THEY WOULD HAVE DONATED TO GOBLIN!!!!"

I know I am obviously reaching deeply into something that is less to do with me than it is to do with the way I asked for help - I know if I had created a GoFundMe and made it more professional, it would have probably felt a lot easier for you to all donate to - but the fact remains, I NEEDED to bring up all these feelings of undeservingness for me to bring them to the light.

I am so grateful to Goblin for being my best friend these last 11 years and even helping me to heal in new ways, even though he is dead.

There is a possibility that this entire reality is all a dream and that everyone is just a part of me - Goblin, and all of you reading this. And that I am just someone in your dream as well, just like everyone you know. It is so weird that all of this might be an illusion, isn't it? Doesn't that make you a little nauseous even thinking about? Perhaps because it is true?

This is the message I was shown in my 2nd plant medicine experience in February. Goblin is just a part of me, my mom is just a part of me, my friend who I live with is just a part of me, my therapist is just a part of me, George is just a part of me. They are not even real "people" but just parts of me that were needed to be shown to me in order for me to grow. Even writing this to you is strange too as it may sound like I am suffering from some kind of 'depersonalization' but it is quite the opposite.

It is more of a surrender to the nature of reality as being unfixed. It is all possibly a dream and it is possible that our night dreams are equally our reality as much as this 'waking life' is.

ANYWAY, the point is that I am so grateful to see that I have deep fears of showing my true self - and a weird feeling of validation that "See Carlen, you showed your true self - and nobody is supporting you when you need help (again, except for the one lovely fellow artist who donated yesterday - thank you again)

I was going to make a joke that I had to take on Pfizer as a new blog advertiser and make a joke about how I have "decided to trust science" and to "disregard all of the things I have shared on this blog the last 15+ months" but I will not make that joke since it is just so obvious.

More and more, I do think that this life is a dream - and it is a test to see if we are ready to ascend past Earth School. Religions are a template for us to learn to do what is of service to humanity/animals - and all of society's matrix programming is to traumatize us and distract us from fulfilling our heart's mission.

We are given endless opportunities for distraction now as a way to pull us out of our missions. 

We are brainwashed into making our missions 'fame and fortune' instead of following our childlike wonder of exploring life.

I know it is part of my mission to heal my own trauma so I can help heal myself and my ancestors and when I have children one day with a loving sexy kind healthy non vaccinated man who eats organic food and loves himself and makes me laugh and can build houses and is open to sleeping in separate beds sometimes, we will have children who are not carrying all of my trauma since I am working so hard to heal it.

I am still on a weird celebrity dating app called Raya and I am literally not attracted to anyone on it. I legitimately think I am an alien because of how few people I am sexually attracted to on our planet. It is basically like 1 person a year. This is why I was drawn to the concept of RH Negative blood type and being of a royal bloodline - because I legitimately am not attracted to most human beings.

It is so weird. I literally feel like I am from another planet sent here and I know a lot of people talk about that and being a Starseed or Indigo and I absolutely feel that way.

I just do not find any celebrities attractive and I never have.

I am sure that I still have a lot of unresolved sexual trauma which also makes me pushed away from men - but even on a primal level, I am very rarely attracted to anyone and I find this very puzzling and fascinating.

Everyone I have been attracted to looks like they are from another planet. They have very prominent cheekbones and intense eyes and pale skin and do not fit in society. They are quiet and shy with very unique senses of humor. They have star quality but they do not know it and their humbleness is attractive to me. They usually have blond hair. They all look like they could be in a dream band.

There was one time when I went to a Mexican restaurant and I saw a boy I was attracted to and I legitimately took a photo of him because I was so in awe. I went up to him and I asked him if he wanted to be in my movie Loners Together and he told me in a thick French accent that he would love to and we stayed friends and then we ended up sleeping together a few months later when he came back to America and it was so funny because I ended up not making that movie (obviously) and it is funny like I did the most hypocritical reverse-creep thing where I 'promised fame and fortune' and didn't follow through. I wonder if he just slept with me because of the promise of a film role! He and I are still friends though so I am assuming this isn't the case - but it just shows that we are all accidentally capable of being victimizers instead of the victims. It made me see how easily it is to try to win someone over with promising them things than just being completely yourself with nothing to offer.

On that topic, a few years passed and I had to cast someone in America for the role, who was equally very attractive in the magic ethereal way but he was only 20 and I was 30 by then and I could not imagine ever dating someone that young and I also learned from my previous experience that it was not good to complicate working relationships, even if you feel like an alien and are rarely attracted to anyone.

I had to learn my OWN boundaries with people and I am so glad that I was forced by my health issues to step away from any roles of leadership so I could learn more integrity and more self-respect and respect to others. My health journey has forced me to learn things I would have never otherwise learned in EVERY respect, and in a way, I am grateful because had I not "woken up", I would likely have a career trajectory like Olivia Wilde or some other 'environmentalist "pro science actress' now.

I am glad to be a weird outsider in this very toxic and traumatized culture - and I realize, especially in the last week, that I have wonderful close friends who do understand me, and would help me if I needed help. I don't actually need anyone else's approval than a few close friends.

I also plan to be self-sufficient soon so my income will not rely on how "likeable" I am - because I will be working with God and the Earth to sustain myself, and God and the Earth will never "cancel" me . 

THIS IS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ALL OF US. POVERTY AND DEPENDANCE ON A GOVERNMENT AND A MONETARY SYSTEM IS A FALSE ILLUSION WE HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED TO BUY INTO.

How beautiful that we can actually eat fruits and drop the seeds on the ground and more fruits grow! How beautiful Earth has been created so we could have everything we need!

I will still make products and sell them like I have been planning all along, and I will be doing things where I share my views with those who are resonant with them - but I will never try to convince someone I am worthy of receiving or worthy of listening to. 

I am really happy because I am going to do a session with a business coach on healing trauma and I want to thank all of you for NOT donating to me because it has helped me see how much shame I feel around the issue of receiving!!!!!!

But seriously, thank you to my one reader for being the only person to donate to me, even though she is a very new blog reader compared to most of you! 

The rest of you, thank you for NOT donating as you have also helped me receive my own inner pain, which needs to be brought to the surface. 

Social media and the internet are clearly not to ever be expected to be relied on in times of need, which is why I feel even more strongly that it is important to be as un-digital as possible and interact with the real world and be nourished from people you know in real life and the Earth. 

Everything is a blessing and learning experience. EVERYTHING!!!!!!