I am going through my computer files and found another Instagram criticizer from April 2020.
This was an extremely scary experience for me at the time (12/23/20) and I learned a lot from it.
Being shamed by a male in any respect made me go into an emotional flashback of being made to feel I was "mean" by my parents for having feelings and needs.
I think the aspect that hurt the most was him saying "Did you bother to think critically and question your own assumption?"
For the Instagram criticizer to say I am intentionally lying/ignorant was hurtful because I began to wonder if he was right... I felt a feeling of embarassment that I had led my followers astray - but then I did more research into it today and I did not find anything which he is referring to.
Rather than making him "wrong", I could have asked him to provide more information.
I was so shocked by his response that I blocked him but I found the full video so I could do research for myself to see if I had made a mistake... (I don't have Facebook so it would not let me watch the full video)
Either way I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.
Either I could be incorrect and I could thank him for bringing that to my attention (despite his rude choice of words) - He probably believes the news without question and I know for a fact that he works on advertising projects for mainstream corporations such as Amazon and Netflix (and Urban Outfitters, which is how I met him)
I am sure he genuinely believes that people are dying left and right based on his own lense of perception and I have compassion for him.
I was unable to find information which validated his assertion (that I am providing incorrect information) but let's say theoretically I was wrong.
Being wrong is an opportunity for learning; not a reason to shame someone.
Being wrong is a temporary status and not a sign of intelligence but a sign of lack of information.
Being wrong does not make you insensitive to millions of people; it only makes you potentially insensitive to the person in front of you.
This guy cannot speak for millions of people and his anger should be pointing at the lies being spread instead of the messenger.
There is the famous quote "Do not kill the messenger"
and this feels extremely appropriate.
I am so glad I am going through my computer and finding all the documents I have saved.
If I was wrong, I know I am not 100% wrong; my status is not "Carlen is wrong" ; I could have been just misinformed; but either way, I would never aim to hurt anyone's feelings.
If anything, everything I have done is to try to educate and help others.
But likely this guy thought that was his role too.
Live and let live.
I am glad I had this experience. Many people are angry and sad and do not know where to put their anger so they put it on the closest target.
That is a role I took on from my parents so when he was mean to me, it triggered that same feeling of "being a bad mean girl for being passionate/questioning authority"
I am grateful to be healing that inner fear. If I care more about other people's views than my own, I will be doing a disservice to everyone.
I can also make mistakes and move on.
Does happiness come from the approval of an editor who works for Urban Outfitters
:D ?
"Grandson, I repressed my feelings on a totalitarian AI agenda but at least I pleased an editor from a fast fashion company called Urban Outfitters than is now gone just like everyone else is except our souls - for those of us who still have them "
***
It makes sense to care what people think if you are a sensitive person because we have never been in a society where we don't know everyone in it. We were meant to be in villages where we could recognize everyone by face. We were not meant to have thousands of social media friends across the world shaming us for thinking differently from us.
It makes sense to care what people think - but it is up to you to decide whether you want to honor the truth (with as much kindness and bravery as possible) or honor the people who don't understand you by apologizing for your truth.
***
Our society rewards people who dissociate from their feelings. People who can sit in chairs successfully from age 5-18, then 18-21.
Actresses who can dissociate from their feelings and sleep with directors to get ahead.
Essentially people do not stand up for themselves and they are rewarded.
But this is all changing.
***
I woke up thinking about this feeling of hurting someone's feelings and how I have always tried to avoid that completely.
I am fine with doing art that doesn't harm anyone's feelings but if I do something provacative, at the first notice someone is hurt, then I feel awful and want to abandon the whole project, as if a tiny bit of bleach or diarrhea has tampered with an entire reservoir of creativity and I must close the entire reservoir because of it due to safety concerns.
I stopped talking to my mother 2 weeks ago after I sent her a photo of myself trying on a t-shirt I loved and her responding "I don't like the shirt" and then when I called her, she told me "I look terrible and tired in the photo"
It was really such a devastating feeling to be told that the shirt I was so excited about was "bad" and that "I looked bad" - it was the opposite feeling I hoped for when sending it to her.
It dawned on me that my mother is extremely critical of her appearance and always has been, even though she is an extremely beautiful youthful looking woman (especially at age 69)
She developed an eating disorder when she was a teenager and tried to kill herself with aspirin when she was 9 years old because her parents didn't seem to care about her. She used to hate the shape of her lips were and would try to erase them in photos. She always says something mean about herself when we look in the mirror together, and so of course it would make sense that she would immediately find fault with my appearance, even though most of the time she tells me I am a "gorgeous" "photogenic" girl.
Whatever the case is, I really did not need her to criticize me or the shirt and I told her that it hurt my feelings but that I wondered if she said it because she is equally critical of her own appearance - because her mother (my grandmother) was equally critical of my mother's appearance - and my mother became defensive and hurt when I brought up this question. She then went into her sulky silent treatment where I could just imagine the glare of disgust on her face, through the phone.
She acted like I was a monster to bring this up - and completely discounted my feelings of hurt - and I could tell she was going to hold a grudge at me for days or weeks, like she always did if she didn't like my behavior.
I realize that this "grudge" is very damaging when you are a young child, as it is a form of 'emotional neglect' to feel like you will not be attended to if you upset your parent. For days my mother would stop talking to me, or speak very sparingly if she didn't like my behavior and I felt so terrible and scared.
Of course I would learn to mold myself to be a people-pleaser, for fear that I wouldn't be fed or taken care of. Of course my mother would encourage me over and over again to go back on Prozac "because it made my life much easier" (ie. I was out of touch with my emotions, which was 'convenient' for her and other people who hated me having feelings/needs/boundaries because they didn't have them due to their own trauma/repression)
I sent my mother a text message saying that either I wanted to have an appointment with her and my therapist or I needed some time without communicating with her - and she wrote back that I was "lying" and that "I put words in her mouth" about criticizing my appearance. She said she never said I looked terrible and that I was making it up - but I KNOW she said this. It was such a mindfuck to be told by my own mother that I was lying when I knew I wasn't; but this is a microcosm of the type of gaslighting that society does to people when they have strong feelings/aversions and are told they are over-reacting - I think of the scenario when a mother has a child who develops Autism after getting their childhood booster shots - and how the government says she is "overreacting" or "lying" to make the connection that quite possibly, the booster shot contributed to her child's mental regression...
It is that same type of string of pain that pulls both me and those mothers into a sea of self-doubt and shame over expressing rightful anger.
I bring all this up as it relates to the level of terror I had yesterday while re-reading the Instagram response from the random male Urban Outfitters editor ; saying basically that I am a terrible shocking person "hurting millions of people" by questioning the narrative we are being fed.
Of course logically I know this entire pandemic is a way to sterilize and control humanity through digitizing their information and monetary system ("oooh paper money is DIRTY/source of potential virus! be aware and ignore the fact that we stopped minting any coins!") Of course I know that most people have no connection with their inner-knowing/their bodies and take it for granted that they need coffee to wake up and alcohol/sleeping pills to go to sleep; that they need Advil to stop their headache and they need pain relievers to stop all sorts of things; they need antidepressants to stop their anxiety; they need daily vibrators to give them the level of intensity they can't ask for from a partner out of shame. They take it for granted that they have seasonal allergies and get sick every year.
I TOOK THIS FOR GRANTED TOO BEFORE GOD SAVED ME.
If I did not have my health journey I would easily be on the numb-track as well. I needed to get off antidepressants in 2015 to see how overwhelmingly miserable and scared I was deep down, in order for me to feel catalyzed to heal.
This is exactly how I feel. Everyone is under a spell and it is so sad but somehow I have to trust that it is their choice. I tried to wake people up but it was so hard for me to be shamed.
But this goes back to the situation with my mom.....
When I told her how I feel, she acted like I was the most terrible person in the world.
When I posted on Instagram how I felt, this guy acted like I was the most terrible person in the world.
In both cases, I FELT like the most terrible person in the world and I had a total fear of dying because I felt like I would be hurt and abandoned.
I believe that my fear of hurting anyone's feelings comes from my desire to see myself as a "good" "nice" girl because that kind of girl is loveable; a "mean" girl who "sticks up for herself" is "selfish" and "bad".
"Good" girls get loved and safety; "Bad" girls get hated and unsafety.
This is the underlying feeling I have been holding onto, without my conscious awareness.
The thought of anyone who "loves" me all of a sudden "disliking me" makes me feel a sense of terror, as if I have been a terrible monster all along, unless I tightly controlled all my behaviors and actions to make sure people like me.
Both my parents made it seem like I was a monster who hurt their feelings if I didn't like something they did. I remember when I would tell my dad "I don't like this song" or anything else, he would say "Oh yeah? Well that song doesn't like you either." - He would make this remark regularly and of course as a young child it makes you feel that the more you dislike something, the more you will be disliked. And since I equated being liked to being safe (since if my mom didn't like me, she would stop talking to me which gave me terror as a young child), I felt like I had to "like everyone" to be "safe" since everyone had to like me.
I prided myself on having EVERYONE like me, by contorting to their emotional needs.
For me to question the pandemic publically was the opposite of self-preservation because I risked people attacking me.
Logically, I know that I have not spoken to the Urban Outfitters editor since about 2013 when they interviewed me for their blog; I know I will never be reliant on this guy for my safety or income and that he will not be on an overnight flight to hunt me down and hit me with a machete but I FEEL that same sense of dread at the thought of him disliking me.
Perhaps this is due to past life issues where I was a witch who spoke up and was killed for it; or ancestors who had to hide who they were in order to survive.
I am sure that my deep fear of offending anyone with the truth comes from a deeper place than I can understand fully quite yet.
When I ran my jewelry company, first I made the name of the company Jewish Rosaries and then I second guessed myself and trademarked "11th Commandment" "Jewbilee" "Jew-elry" and felt like they needed to be the parent company name since it was illogical for me to sell rings under the name "Jewish Rosaries" since they weren't rosaries.
I realize that this ambivalence came from the inner terror I had at making the wrong choice and offending anyone (even though the whole concept of Jewish Rosaries offended at least one Catholic woman, who called me yelling my jewelry was sacrelige the day my jewelry was featured on The Today Show)
I truly dread the thought of people disliking me because I go into an emotional flashback of feeling unsafe and "bad"
I am going to figure out ways to heal this, as this is holding back my full creative expression.
I could make totally unoffensive art - but if I question something actually SERIOUS, I risk a feeling of terror.
What is the solution???????????
I am open to receiving.
Ali Zeck says"
"
Folks we are reaching the point where we should not be
begging and pleading for people to wake up—we’re not on the battlefield
trying to drag the wounded off with us anymore. We’re in the basecamp
harnessing our skills, building a like minded community, strengthening
our relationship with God and preparing/strengthening our resolve for
the spiritual battle we are in daily
We can’t afford to waste
more energy on those who don’t want to wake up, or act as if they do but
their actions aren’t in alignment with it. It’s those that are
ambiguous in their intentions, sending out confusing energy and aren’t
fully engaged in spiritually uplevelling and coming into alignment with
why they are here. You know of what I speak of….you can see it in the
result of their lives, their relationship to others and their inability
to sit in integrity. They’re still running scams on themselves and
others, lost, posing as someone in integrity but denying the work and
commitment it takes to actually do this. It’s a full on spiritual
bypass.
Or you can hear it in their voice, the fear in it as
they argue or shame you for the stance you’re taking. They are in panic
mode right about now and know only how to outsource and be governed by
someone or something outside of them because they can’t govern
themselves.
You can see it in their eyes….the light and connection is dwindling and they are fully going into their survival mode.
They’re
stil playing in the field of illusions, on the gameboard of the Matrix
to survive. They think they have to in order to make it, fully resisting
the pain and the breakdown necessary to help them get the break through
to be on the side of God.
I’m not telling you to abandon
them, but spiritual integrity requires us to stay grounded and let
others take their own responsibility for their own spiritual integrity.
Lead,
and those that seek Truth will follow you, but they have to do it on
their own accord. This is the spiritual law of free will. "
***
I am so thankful to find this - The Unjected
***
A few days ago, I wrote about the author of "From Surviving to Thriving" going to India and seeing impoverished homeless families on blankets having fun, hugging each other and how the author envied this level of familial connection and security.
I believe that deep down, the reason I fear people hating me is because I feel like nobody will protect me if I speak up.
I never had people to protect me for speaking up ; it was the opposite, where the people who were supposed to protect me were the ones who were abandoning me and telling me I was bad for disliking something they said/did.
If I knew that I would be completely safe while speaking up for my beliefs - and I knew I would be completely safe for expressing my opinions and art, then I KNOW I would feel way more confident standing out.
If I knew I had a proverbial ring of soldiers surrounding me to protect me in everyway, then I would feel confident to be different.
As I write this, I feel a knot unraveling in my brain because I know this awareness points to the main theme that has been on my mind all week; the concept of root chakra and safety.
The "root" chakra is your lowest chakra point and it is your basic safety.
This is also symbolic because the "root" is the necessity for all life to grow, whether it is a plant or a baby connected to the (root) of the umbilical chord of their mother.
The placenta is actually called 'the tree of life' as it looks like an actual tree.
If humans do not have a feeling of safety from their roots/parents, they will not feel comfortable planting any seeds UNLESS they feel that these seeds will be accepted by those around them, for fear that those around them may starve or harm the seed.
If I felt I was satisfying my parents, then I felt like I could be protected.
But since now ALL OF MY BELIEFS are "dangerous" (literally, a girl I went to college with who is now an overweight nurse in Boston told me on Facebook that I was "dangerous" after I posted an article about how measles protects you from cancer)
When this happened, I felt terrible because I was just trying to help people. This happened in 2018, way before the pandemic.
It would be one thing if our country was completely healthy and had an incredibly high rate of happiness/productivity; of course there would be no need to bring wacky-sounding theories to the table.
But the reality is that most people in America are sick/on medication, and we have a negative population growth/high infant mortality rate.
We NEED alternative answers.
People should THANK you for bringing possible solutions to the table, not shame you!
They are bribing people to get the shot and now they are doing this to teenagers. This is just so insane that they don't tell them other ways to be healthy - unless their goal is to keep them unhealthy.
I can't really believe this is reality but I am so thankful I woke up.
I never fit in society or parties or the film industry or with Manhattan's cool kids and now I understand why!!!!
Nobody is good or bad, but I am just so blown away how people don't see the world the way I do.
(Luckily many people do, finally)
It is just so mind boggling but also kind of amazing in a strange way.
If I can feel the protection internally and externally now, to say and do what I want, knowing I am doing this in the name of service to others, then this feels like the new formula I am embodying in the neutral reality.
Whether someone yells at me is irrelevant as long as I know my safety is not compromised.
If God knows I am doing all this to help humanity, what greater safety is there than God? What greater safety is there than my own intuition and (now) physical power (thanks to all the detoxification I have done which allows me to reveal my true physical stamina and strength, before all the toxins, viruses and parasites and nanobots took hold)
Now I am back. And I am here to protect myself.
And I know people who also have 'my back' in human form now.
I am grateful that I have friends who also would support me if something were to happen to me.
I just wish I had a guard always looking out for me like a large soldier.
I will think more about this...
***
I just took a shower and held myself lovingly and had a sudden flashback to all the times when I was a child and teenager who exclaimed "I want to kill myself" to my mother and she just looked at me with no facial expression and/or a look of disgust.
She never came over and comforted and hugged me and said "Why do you feel like that? I am here for you. Let's figure out how to make you feel better"
I was just left feeling horrible and doubly alone because the one person who I was reaching out to for support was just looking at me with blank eyes.
It was the most alone feeling I have ever had - and strangely enough, even on my most recent trip to Texas with my mother, I had a moment where my blood sugar was extremely low because we hadn't eaten and I had run out of organic snacks, and I felt the wave of suicidality/wanting to disappear. At that moment, like all the other moments earlier in life, I said "I feel suicidal, for the first time in a very long time" and just like all the other times, my mother just looked at me frustrated and apathetically.
It was also the same lifeless face she gave me when the scary man in the park dressed as an 1800s pirate leered behind me and my mom said "Oh, is that the crazy guy you meant?" extremely loudly so he could hear it.
I have never felt held or attended to in the way I needed by my parents, my caregivers - so it DOES make sense that I feel the need all my life up until now to conserve my energy to protect myself instead of expess myself.
Can I protect myself and express myself?
I need to have a strong rooted base in order to grow.
I know my body is my home and I know that I can put what I want in my body but on a practical level, I feel that I also need to have either a house/land I own or a van I own - preferably both. One house in America and one house in Bali.
I am figuring this out now - how to use my savings.
I want either a geodesic dome, a yurt, a cob house, or some prefabricated house like the Home Depot house or on Ebay or Craigslist. I want the house to be $20,000 including off-grid furnishings and I want the land to be $10,000. I want it to be a 30 minute hike to the nearest source of Wifi and farmers market.
I know I have said this all along - but now it really does feel like I removed all the clouds of trauma to see that now I can provide this for myself without being told I am overreacting.
Now the more I think about insulting people with my truth, the more I can remember that there are thousands of other people who are thinking the same way and none of us are "BAD" to question billion dollar industries such as the pharmaceutical industry despite what we have been taught/brainwashed to believe.
Last night I looked at the Instagram for The Daily Show and I saw in the Instagram Stories that the show is collaborating with Proctor and Gamble to celebrate "black lives" - THIS IS A JOKE! Proctor and Gamble makes some of the most harmful products on the planet - they don't care about black lives; they care about their reputation so they can have more customers.
The son of Gamble from Proctor and Gamble made my favorite documentaries, Thrive I and Thrive II - he knows what's up!
I just listened inward and I said "What is holding me back?"
and deep down, it was "Fear of death"
I know from many months of unlearning that death itself is not "bad" but will likely transport us to another reality in itself, so I think what I am more afraid of is pain and suffering.
By being afraid of pain and suffering, it is holding me back from moving forward on expressing myself and finally leaving Los Angeles and finally getting more responsibilities in the form of work.
I notice that using the computer and my phone makes me lose a lot of energy.
I finally need to invest in a life where I can be as productive as possible.
So far I have figured out
a) what vitamins to take
b) who can help me as a therapist/doctor/energy healer
c) driving
d) web design
e) going to nature everyday
I still need to balance my energy levels and focus.
When I notice something feels out of reach, I can ask "Am I avoiding pain and suffering?" I can imagine the worst case scenario (being yelled at/being told NO) and realize that now I am the adult and I can comfort myself and "no" and pain is not forever.
I can bounce back now.
Even if someone yells at me, I can bounce back now because I am holding myself.
My dad wrote this in 1975.
And my mom made this art project for her highschool art class, about her mother poisoning my uncle and grandfather with Cyanide in their dinner.
My mom genuinely had a terrible relationship with her brother and father so though this was a joke, it is very telling of the way my mother turned her anger into comedy and never dealt with the inner pain. Just bypassing with jokes.
I have so much compassion for my traumatized family and my traumatized self.
I am dealing with the inner pain so I can come out to the other side.
I want to rewatch this movie HOW TO LIVE FOREVER
I have valued external approval and validation more than my own validation because I had the understanding that I needed to value other people's perceptions of me or I would not be taken care of.
I have compassion for myself and my behavior, as I needed it to survive - and now I am ready to let it go and risk everyone yelling at me or abandoning for being me.
But it is so scary!
It really is!
But I am trusting God is with me!!!
All my old friends have abandoned me and I have equally felt repulsed by them. Now I have wonderful new friends who I really love and who I speak to on a regular basis and who I know care about me and would be there for me if I needed.
Cindy, Robyn, Spencer, Secily, Stephen, Davonte, George
I AM SO LUCKY AND SO ARE THEY! WE DESERVE TO HAVE NICE FRIENDS WHO DO NOT JUDGE US!
