Today in my breathwork class I had an epiphany:

My entire life I felt like I would be abandoned/unloved unless I played one of two roles:

1) crazy/helpless/sick/broken

2) selflessly helping my parents and friends with their problems/health without monetary exchange/recognition

In some ways I feel like this blog has reflected those roles. I have either been vulnerably sharing my trauma journey (the broken non-threatening version of myself) and/or trying to uplift my figurative audience/"save you from toxicity"/teach you how to buy crypto and attempt to end each post with something uplifting, as if to help heal your health and be an internet cheerleader for your self esteem.

 I did this because I felt like nobody is talking about what I am discussing and I am so grateful for this experience to share my thoughts, however I realize that I am a lot more than 1) and 2). I am a person with my own needs and I know what I want now.

Today in breathwork, I shared how Goblin had died and how much money I spent trying to heal him, and people voluntarily asked me what my Venmo was and ways to help. It was so touching to have people ask me if they could help me and it showed me that generosity exists and that I deserve it.

After expressing my need for help with Goblin's expenses (see last post), I realize I no longer want to play 1) slave or 2) saviour via this blog. 

I don't want to vulnerably express my trauma journey to a bunch of strangers and I don't really feel like trying to help anyone else but my close friends and people who would be there for me in a time of need and who want to support me when I need help.

 I know life is like a Rorshach test and we make our own interpretations of a neutral canvas but I honestly can't believe that only 1 of you donated money on behalf of Goblin and I just don't want to help anyone if they won't help me in a time of need. 

It isn't even about the money itself - it is about the exchange of energy.

I don't feel like pouring my energy into things without having energy poured back to me in equal or greater form.

I love to give but I also love to receive and now I know I deserve to receive.

We are taught to be selfless and this is no longer working for me at all.

I think this is actually very healthy of me - it is really unhealthy to share as vulnerably as I have done on this blog since last April . I have shared things on this blog that my own family doesn't know about - and so for me to ask for money during this time and have none of you respond except 1 person was just really illuminating that I am pouring my energy in a cup that isn't not really sustainable.

This is the same realization I had with social media - I don't really feel like any of my "followers" would be there for me in a time of need so it does not feel healthy for me to put any effort into social media anymore or try to help wake anyone up.

I have changed drastically since I downloaded social media and I have changed drastically since I started this blog in 2007.

I only want to put my energy into my very close friends and this blog has helped me articulate my thoughts and I will continue on expressing myself but this no longer feels like the format to do that in - but perfect timing, because I will be finishing my website soon - and if you want to take courses from me, you can pay me money for my energy and I will happily share what I know - but this blog is like a weird limbo of expressing myself and hiding at the same time and I don't want to do that.

I am feeling growing pains but I know it is a good thing.

Thank you all for being a part of my journey. I appreciate all of you.

If you are confused on this blog topic, please click the last post (it is the only post still up on my blog besides my "About" page) xoxo