Tuesday 5/26/20 3:56PM
I am finally packing up to move my things out of my apartment and it is just so odd to finally accept the reality of it, even as I type here at this moment from my radioactive kitchen (Haha?)
It is just so funny to me that in my 3 year process of detoxification that I would manage to unknowingly move to an apartment with especially high levels of radiation since this is exactly one of the environmental pollutants I was trying to avoid :) but then I remember that everything that happens to me forces me to grow...
Nobody is your friend; nobody is your enemy - everyone is your teacher - and that goes for experiences too, no matter how inconvenient they may be...
The more that I write here in this Dopamine Detox (and avoid using the internet to numb my emotions/compare myself to others), the more emotions come up in all respects, as I realize that I have truly censored myself for pretty much my whole life for fear of being judged as crazy...
This is exactly why it was a blessing in disguise to actually be called "crazy" 3 times in the past 3 years (which I have written about in previous posts...I was called crazy/mentally unstable by 3 people I was either ending a friendship/relationship/houseliving arrangement with)
This was a horrible feeling (even if it came from people I was trying to remove from my life) but equally a huge learning experience for me as it made me have to really OWN this judgement of "insane" and check in with myself/my inner child and remember that I would rather be judged as crazy for doing what I believe is right , rather than cowering to give off an impression of sanity (especially to people who I was trying to amicably weed out of my life)
As I mentioned, I secretly suffered with OCD from age 9 to 32 everyday like a mental prisoner - and the only people besides my parents who knew was my therapist, who I mentioned, used to FALL ASLEEP DURING OUR SESSIONS hahaha "Is this thing on?"
Being seen as crazy by others was something I just assumed would always be, since I definitely thought of myself as crazy (not realizing that I would one day be able to heal completely and be off all medication like I am now!!!)
I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR HOW FAR I HAVE COME! I would not trade this feeling of mental dependability I have (trusting my sanity) or my medication-free existence for any external accolade I could have received had I continued to ignore my pain!
I remember being in 4th grade sitting alone in the schoolyard looking at trees behind a fence (I have always loved nature and hated crowds of people) and I remember talking to a little bumblebee on the ground and telling him how beautiful he was...
I remember a boy coming over to me to tell me I was crazy for talking to this bee - and I remember somehow months later, this boy told my mom that I was "crazy" too - and she told him that she talked to bees too! I love that she said that but it also strangely amplified my feelings that both my mom and I were crazy and unloveable, since I never witnessed my mother in a health relationship and learned to believe that crazy women do not get love...
Though I have dated/attempted intimacy with others, my lack of intimacy with myself/self-love stopped me from ever getting too close to anyone as deep down I have always felt too crazy or "too much" to date anyone - I have always felt "too crazy" and never felt like I was completely myself as I tried to pretend to be very "low maintenance" or ignore my need to be alone/boundaries in order to be loved....
BUT THIS IS ALL CHANGING FOR THE BETTER!!! THERE IS HOPE!
I just did my weekly breathwork with my therapist earlier today and I had a lot of realizations about my concept of self and love.
When I was 24, I briefly dated a comedian who was older than me but very silly and immature and I was most attracted to him because he was very softspoken and Midwestern.
I have noticed a consistent pattern of being attracted to men who are either very softspoken or baby-faced or incapable of growing facial hair/notably feminine in some way as being the only people I develop romantic feelings for - and it was only recently that I figured out WHY this is....
Because
I feared both being yelled at by a man (since my dad had such a scary temper growing up) and felt shame and fear around sex,
somehow on a subconscious level I became attracted to people who my
child brain thought would be "nice" and "not a hornball" (as my dad put
it... since he would repeatedly tell me that men only wanted me for sex,
ever since I was about 12...)
As a protective measure, on a subconscious level, I assumed that only men who were "unmasculine" were never going to yell at me or lose control or raise their temper like my "masculine" dad did - and never going to be intensely sexual with me.
I KNOW I began to only attract a very specific character into my life that I felt was "safe" and not "lustful" (even though obviously just because you don't have facial hair doesn't mean you can't participate in orgies/etc!!! I KNOW THIS CONSCIOUSLY BUT MY UNCONSCIOUS BRAIN DIDN'T UNTIL TODAY!)
Anyway, when I was 24 and dating this comedian, I remember he was paranoid about having sex/getting STDs and a bit reluctant to be sexual this made me even more attracted to him as if I was the aggressor - and then finally we had sex and he bit my left nipple really hard. So hard that it began bleeding. I felt so shocked and embarrassed when I got home because it was still bleeding, even through my shirt, the whole ride home on the subway...
I had to tell my mom what had happened because my nipple was bleeding the next morning and she took me to the doctor that week, where a blood sample and sent to a lab.
I told the comedian what had happened and he didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all, and stopped texting me as much...
A few days later the doctor called me and said that the blood sample was "concerning" and he suggested I have surgery on my left breast to do a "surgical breast biopsy" and remove any tissue from my breast which might be "pre-cancerous"
WHAT? HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? I was a vegetarian who exercised! Why would this be happening to ME?
Part of me wanted to think that I was "saved" by my nipple alerting me to cancer; and part of me was skeptical of having surgery (and now 12 years later, I definitely would not have gone on with the surgery) but at 24, I was too afraid and overwhelmed by the professional doctor in a white lab coat's sense of urgency on the phone to do anything else but submit to my diagnosis and have the surgery...
I remember going to the hospital later that week, getting ultrasound (which I now know is completely toxic), lying down in an MRI machine and then being put under anesthesia, which was such a scary strange experience (especially to realize that I was completely out of my body and that it was about to be physically altered without my awareness!) -- I woke up a few hours later and they said the surgery was a "success" and gave me a 2 month supply of XANAX and told to go home...
The babyfaced comedian was completely unsympathetic and did nothing to help me or make me feel taken care of - and this added to the pain I was already feeling...so I took the Xanax and all the pain went away.
To think 12 years later that I was rushed into surgery and given an addictive pain medication without any emotional counseling is just one of the reasons I have woken up to the backwards medical system we have and exactly why I had to take healing into my own hands!
My heart bleeds/nipple bleeds (just kidding) for all the people rushed into surgery and then who become addicted to pain medication and Opiods !
It is just bananas how corrupt and insensitive this Old Paradigm of medicine/"health" is but I KNOW that things are getting better and that we are being FORCED TO WAKE UP just at the perfect time;
Nobody likes to be woken up, literally or figuratively but it is necessary for things to change!
Just like me unknowingly being in a radioactive apartment (which is even more amplified in the last 3 weeks with all the 5G rollout which has taken place each night here in Los Angeles), I was MEANT TO OVERCOME these challenges as part of my spiritual curriculum and so I can hopefully help other people finally heal and stay hopeful!
So anyway, back to today and breathwork - during my session, all of a sudden I started to feel such rage and sadness and I traced the feeling back over the whole experience that happened when I was 24...
During the breathwork, I remembered how much pain and fear I had during that time of my life, which I literally had never processed until today.
I lied on the floor and I wailed and wailed and started shaking uncontrollably and felt sadness that had crystallized into my breasts and body fall away and go back into the air from which it came; I then touched my nipple as almost an apology for subjecting it to all of that and realized that it was a bit numb compared to my other nipple and I began wailing even more, realizing that this might be permanent desensitization and wailed for not noticing this until now - over a decade later...
I wailed for feeling so uncared for by the "meek nice guy" I was dating and my pattern of attracting "nice guys" who end up not being emotionally reliable; and I wailed over my rage at our modern medical industry for just going into surgery and giving me such a traumatic experience!
It's just amazing how breathwork works because I had NO CONSCIOUS IDEA THAT I WAS GOING TO REMEMBER THOSE FEELINGS UNTIL THEY SURPRISED ME IN BREATHWORK! It was as if my body just knew that it was time to release this pain from my heart/breasts so I can help finally love myself and receive love from others, which is exactly what our planet needs for global healing (I even referenced hardened hearts in my last post - as subconscious forshadowing today!...)
I finally am healing all the things I ignored for fear of being "too much" or "crazy" or "too sexual" or "too ANYTHING" and I know that this is all necessary and happening at exactly the right time it should...
My friend George is literally the first man I have ever been completely open and honest with and the funniest thing about him is that he is both extremely masculine (sleeping outside almost every night in a cave/fishing/skateboarding) but he also loves cooking and cleaning and sewing and things that someone might label "feminine"
I know that my friendship with George is a gift in so many ways and I know that despite all my urgency to leave LA, there is absolutely a reason I moved to this radioactive apartment and met him. I know that is true!
Everything that happens to us is our teacher, especially those that trigger us.
Who are your greatest teachers and what are they teaching you?
