Since I last wrote, I did a lot of soul searching in quiet contemplation (HELLO SOUL, WHERE ARE YOU? ... RIGHT HERE!) and I attempted unbiased self-analysis from a heart-centered place (not needing to be "right" or "wrong") and I can honestly say WOW, SO MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN 48 HOURS!
I have had a lot of positive inward changes which I realize were only accessible because of the intensely panicked emotional "rock-bottom" I was going through (as expressed in my last post) over my non-stop rabbit hole research dive, which led to heightened fears surrounding moving out of LA and escaping potential chaos....
In my quest for the truth, I have been trying to take in a lot of information from different sources on "what the truth is" surrounding the pandemic and it snowballed into bigger and bigger questions ...
Giving birth - to an invention or piece of art - or even new version of yourself feels uncomfortable, but is ultimately worth the effort and the surrender, and this is my intention with my learnings... to give birth to a more expressed version of myself - and I think I am closer than ever!!!
Although I do not know what to believe when it comes to "the truth" (outside world), I now know some things which actually benefit my life and give me true peace and relief....
WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE.....
1. I will never know the complete truth (on any topic)
2. I will never be completely buffered from pain no matter how 'prepared I am' (for any sort of pain - personal or systemic)
3. I will never be "fully prepared" to make the "right" answer when it comes to my belief system or to the inventions I want to share with the world... I will never be able to know "enough" to avoid "the unknown"....
4. My search for the truth can get in the way of actual progress in my life...
5. Everyone has an agenda - people who fear monger are usually trying to sell something...
6. Fear does not help me - even if it is fear about my health. ESPECIALLY worrying about my health .... does not help my health!
7.In my attempt for big picture truths, I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY that I have been escaping my own life and making it a lot more difficult for myself to move forward, under the guise of "research"....
8. The Earth is neutral; it is the lense of perception you apply to it. Do I want to live in fear? Do I want to make myself a prisoner of fear when I don't have to?
9. What do I want to let inside my brain? In some way, do I feel like it is not safe to feel at peace?
10. Life is not actually that hard if you go into it with the assumption that you are limitless...
I truly realize that despite all my inner work, being calm and at peace are still very new to me!!!!
It is almost socially unacceptable to not be constantly outraged ! It is considered offensive to not live in fear or victimhood... especially now with everything that has happened recently...
But being constantly pulled out of my body and into the problems of the world is nothing new to me - I just see it so clearly now!!! I am actually so used to stress (from lifelong anxiety/fear of poverty/etc growing up) that I have been subconsciously looking to stress myself out recently ... by looking towards sinister and occult information (at the expense of getting things done):::
Because an anxious inner life has felt "natural" to me, so I have been seeking out especially "scary" questions so as to keep my nervous system in a scared/high adrenaline and cortisol state of mind....
I don't know if that makes sense but it does to me!
So now, here are some questions for myself:
Can I accept for the first time that it is only me who gets to dictate how I view the world?
Can I accept that there is no such thing as security except the security of moment-to-moment and surrender that I will always figure things out, even when things become challenging?
Can I accept that life may get challenging but I have the resources to rise to any occasion?
Can I accept that people might not like me or call me stupid or crazy when I move forward or do things in the name of expression and action?
Can I accept my own responsibility that it is me who gets to use my time wisely or waste my time?
Can I accept that it is me who is at fault for not getting things done?
Can I accept that I am powerful enough to not be a victim to any circumstance?
Can I accept that there is nothing holding me back from accomplishing my dreams unless I give it that power?
Can I accept that I have been both the prisoner and jail warden of my own mind?
Can I accept that life is full of unknowns and that it is better to take chances and live life with the chance that I may make mistakes rather than stay cocooned in my house with the internet to act as my portal to the world?
Can I accept that the Universe's only goal is to get me on track to my authentic self/path and that anything which seems like a challenge is actually a blessing towards my growth?
Can I accept I am not a victim or at the whim of things like 5G radiation or anything else the "outside world" throws at me?
Am I ready to live life off the internet and rely on my intuition instead of outside voices to make decisions for me/help form my view of the world?
Am I ready to live life offline and truly follow my passions for the first time and actually experience reality without the middleman of the internet???
YES, I AM!
(For the very first time)... and I will explain how I got to this clarity!
Since the internet came into my life in junior high school (I literally went to a school called The Computer School) , I have turned to the internet for all my answers and entertainment...
This 'relationship' with the internet was amazing for me because I was so overwhelmed energetically growing up in Manhattan, not realizing how sensitive I am...
Because of this, the internet was my portal to the "outside world" without leaving my house... The internet was also my perfect middle man between me and any form of communication/relationship, since my brain fog was so heavy and ability to set boundaries so loose, that I expressed myself much better over email than I did communicating with other humans in person... Everything felt delayed and also in my control, and that felt safe!
Basically, the internet has been my vehicle to the world - but now as I am gradually feeling better for the first time and WANT TO MAKE THINGS as opposed to feel like I "should" make things for a sense of self-worth/acceptance, I do not want to rely on the internet so much.
I want to rely on my actual strength and internal compass or intuition to experience life...
I just read an incredible book which is all about this, which I highly recommend...
Intuition: Soul-Guidance for Life's Decisions by Yogananda
I know I have touched on this before, but I feel called to write in more elaboration on my upbringing, since this blog is a way for me to understand myself better...Beginning in junior highschool, I began obsessively reading about environmental devastation which led me to founding my highschool's environmental club and dedicating my life to helping the planet...
I signed so many online petitions I developed wrist pain (which I wonder if people have now from using dating apps so much....imagine a class-action lawsuit from Tinder users who have wrist damage... so many interpretations to that one, right?)
All kidding aside, it has always been honestly insane to me to live on a planet where you have to "sign a petition" to have clean air or water or social justice; it should be ingrained into every company and human that it is important to protect our planet and all life; but I now realize that not very many people even value their own lives and are desensitized to the pain of the planet due to their own trauma and toxicity... but anyway, the point of me mentioning all this is that I used the internet to both learn about the devastation of the world; and equally to feel like I had a sense of "CONTROL" over the world (in the form of emailing my politicians/business owners to encourage them to be more environmentally sustainable/etc)
Often times, despite all my petitions, terrible laws would get passed anyway, and I felt so out of control when I would hear this - as if there was no logic to the world... and go into a panicked state.
I remember this feeling deeply when there was a terrible-sounding law called the TransPacificPartnership, which would have gutted all human and animal rights if these rights "got in the way of profit" (and this was a law which was supported by both Obama and Hillary Clinton to my dismay...)
When it was going to be passed or denied, I made so many phonecalls and signed so many petitions and thankfully, the TPP didn't pass... but I literally felt like I had been in a war and that the world was on my shoulders if it passed or not!
Anyway, flash forward to 2017...which is when I weaned off of Prozac and began meditating/experienced true clarity with the help of cannabis, for the first time (accidentally, because my friend accidentally gave me a full dropper) and heard a very small but powerful voice tell me in the dark of the night, "Carlen, I have many other planets; take care of yourself and heal yourself before you try to save me any more... go out and enjoy planet Earth instead of worrying about protecting Earth"
This very clear and loving message and this entire night in general CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE ... it felt like a book end from an old chapter (of trying to save the planet) to a new chapter of obeying that voice and realizing that I needed to save myself first before I could be of much use to anyone else....
This was literally the most important night of my life as it forever changed the trajectory of my career/life path.
A few weeks later after this very still voice spoke to me, the LA apartment I was living in was sold - so I went to Bali; while there, I realized that I was repulsed by American media/television and when I came back in July 2017, I cancelled making a tv show pilot called CARLEN SAVES THE WORLD (which I have mentioned in previous posts); I stopped working with my manager; I enrolled in Spiritual Psychology school; I focused solely on detoxifying myself mentally, physically, and spiritually.
And now 3 years later, we are here... and I am SO GLAD I MADE THAT CHOICE!!!
But just like all adventures, healing does not happen all at once ; it is gradual and takes as much time as it needs to and can't be rushed...
My intention with the Dopamine Detox was initially to finally get back to working on things from a detoxified place without distraction of the internet...because now I want to rely on my intuition to help me make decisions instead of hours of reading other people's opinions/Yahoo Answers (I really mean it!)
That being said, I still want to be informed on what is going on in the world (especially during a "global crisis"), so I have had to learn a balance between information and overload...and in the last week, I have been on overload - especially reading about scary topics.... and I figured out something huge...
Anytime I feel very uncomfortable with something in my own life; I end up escaping into the internet - but for the first time, this week, I CAUGHT MYSELF (trying to protect myself from pain/blame/shame) and realized that in my attempt for health and truth and healing this planet, I should not get pulled off my course of getting things done!!!!
As I have alluded to, I have been working on an invention the last 4 months very diligently, which I think will be helpful and funny - as part of my new company 1-800 EARTH... and I am *almost finished*
Deep down, I know that I am afraid that I will make a mistake and that nobody will like my invention and/or it will be too much work for me to handle (which is how I felt when I ran my jewelry company at 24, called Jewish Rosaries™) so I have subconsciously escaped this discomfort of MOVING FORWARD (and actually going to a new chapter of my life as a creator not just consumer of information) by reading endlessly about the pandemic/Agenda21/5G/all the fun parts of the deep state.
(which is what I want to discuss on my podcast with people who both agree and disagree with "conspiracy" theories)
I am not discounting the truth of any of these things, but I completely now realize that I have been extra "research-mode" because it was a way to ESCAPE FINISHING MY WORK!
And because there are so many theories presented on the internet which sound plausible as true and are perfectly distracting and raise my cortisol and Adrenaline (and Dopamine), I can be perpetually distracted and overwhelmed forever, under the guise of "safety".... which is exactly what I did with my environmental crusade...
As a child/younger person, I did not let myself feel the pain of growing up with an alcoholic father or emotionally disconnected home life -- I felt helpless to control my home life so I instead "escaped" into the global pain of environmental devastation and began to believe that "If I fix the outside world, I will finally feel at peace".... (which I now know more and more is the OPPOSITE - that when I fix my inside world, my outside world reflects that!!!)
But I didn't know that until recently, so as a child, I left my body/experiencing my trauma/pain because it was too painful and blamed my pain/misfortune onto the world!
"If only the planet was safe, I would feel safe" is the operating system I have used (unsuccesfully) up until... this year (as I have been able to FINALLY feel my body/emotions deeply for the first time and actually know how to PROCESS/MOVE THROUGH THESE UNCOMFORTABLE EMOTIONS through such modalities as breathwork/writing/etc)
As a sensitive person, I take in all sensory input a lot more intensely than most people do; which is further amplified by cutting out all processed foods/wheat/dairy/sugar/eggs/corn/alcohol/television....
I feel things so deeply because I am no longer being numbed and so when I do check social media (or take in any news) , I feel it so deeply! (I can also feel when something feels true or false in a very loud way)
Knowing how sensitive I am, why have I been constantly doing research at the expense of actually getting things done? (Because a big part of me is so afraid of moving forward in my personal life, I am looking for reasons to escape my pain - by literally escaping Los Angeles!)
Though I feel very strongly that, like I mentioned earlier/previously, I definitely do want to move out of the city and that the news is lying to us in order to serve a very small group of people (some might refer to as "the deep state"/cabal/etc), I realize that by living in fear, NOT ONLY am I getting farther away from finishing my goals (which can actually help the planet) but instead, I become a prisoner of fear, and mentally enslaved ....worse than any quarantine or martial law...
(Again, do I want to be the prisoner in my own mind? NO! I am as free as I choose to be!)
Basically,
I had the epiphany that my quest for health/safety on this planet should not be making me anxious or sick since that is diametrically in opposition to health and peace.
There is a certain level of hypocrisy to researching for hours and hours about the harms of Wireless radiation, ... from the comfort of my wireless laptop or cellphone.
Isn't that kind of funny when you think of it?
I realize that everyone has an agenda - and people who continuously present things using fear-mongering techniques (which is prevalent in lots of 'conspiratorial' content, just as it is in mainstream media) are just as toxic for my health as watching CNN...
Right now I am learning boundaries and discipline in my life for THE FIRST TIME... and this includes boundaries with myself!
Here are some helpful changes I have made in the last 48 hours since my last post (besides what I shared)...
#1 A BIG ONE:
When I feel scared over making a choice, I must be a loving witness to the inner child/inner part of me which is afraid and voice all my concerns... I must talk with her so we can let these fears come to the surface...
I can accept the discomfort of fear; and I can accept the discomfort of boredom; and I can accept the discomfort of moving forward. When we move forward, we are forging new neural pathways in our brain and it literally feels like a brain workout... which is why it is easier to give up/escape into the internet...
BUT NO MORE! I AM READY TO FEEL THE DISCOMFORT OF BOREDOM AND THE DISCOMFORT OF NOT HAVING ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS! I AM READY TO HAVE THE DISCOMFORT OF LOVING MYSELF EVEN IF OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME!!!! THIS IS HUGE!
For example, in my product, I am designing the logo and it has taken me weeks to re-learn Photoshop and decide on exactly the perfect logo, and because there is no "perfection", it can go on forever and ever...but this is why I must trust that my intuition/innerGod is who to listen to, instead of going on the internet and constantly looking for the "right answer" from someone else....
I am now focusing on my actual immediate goals and letting the anxiety come up around my 'fear of making a mistake' / 'making a bad decision' and SITTING WITH my inner child baby Carlen as we feel THAT FEAR together instead of jumping into the internet to pull me out of my fears!
I now realize on Day 51, I basically replaced social media with "conspiracy theories" and whether all or any of these theories are true or not, constantly researching them is not actually helpful for me moving forward and being healthy or being of service on this planet!
This has been a crucial thing to realize for me!!!
Up until now, when pursuing a creative project, pardon me repeating myself but I am trying to get clear on my own subconscious sabotage is.... what I *think* I have been doing is ... when I get overwhelmed or bored, when the anxiety comes up over making some kind of decision....I jump on the internet and start reading upsetting information (whether it be about racism, 5G, the deep state cabal agenda etc) and I realize that my brain has been subconsciously helping me ESCAPE from my temporary PERSONAL pain TO the abyss of GLOBAL PAIN!
I have chosen (subconsciously) to escape my own personal fears/discomfort over making decisions for my personal life - by escaping outside of my body and into the collective fears....
It is actually a very insanely surreal coping mechanism.. but it is also genius!
I LOVE YOU, BRAIN!!!
I see why I did this as a child because I could not leave my house growing up and run away - so I "mentally" ran away onto the world wide web, so I could focus my emotions on something outside of myself (pollution/climate change/etc)
Our bodies/brains cannot focus on more than one discomfort at a time which is why when you scratch an itch, you are actually just replacing one feeling of discomfort with another.... usually the itch comes back if something deeper is going on and needs to be healed... By scratching it, you are not only likely going to stop it from healing (by potentially ripping open the wound/scab) but you are also potentially creating a scar, which makes it impossible to completely heal...
I have been scratching the itch of my own discomfort over boredom/fear of failure with the counterproductive fingernail of worrying about global theories... which may or may not even be true!
By me losing focus on my invention/company/personal dreams by focusing constantly outside of myself and onto the 'problems of the world' , I am essentially escaping my pain of fear of failure/inadequacy/disappointing people/shame, with the new "itch" of global fears!!!
I don't know if that makes sense outloud but it does to me!!!
This is not to say I need to ignore world issues - but it is to say that I must start with myself before I virtue signal anyone else to change or call for global change...
DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A FAMILIAR PROBLEM?
All over America, white Americans are telling other people to "stop being racist" yet what are they doing in their own lives?
I cannot tell anyone to change anything in their lives until I first do it myself! (and even then, I cannot change anyone else, despite my deepest desires!!!
PS in terms of spiritual laws, it is better to not try to control anyone else since some people are meant to learn certain lessons in life that you prevent them from learning if they are not changing from their own free will; not because they were "controlled" to do so, but that's a topic for another time!)
The point is, up until now, I have *still* (on day 51 of my Dopamine Detox) been escaping from my own problems to the problems of the world as a way to feel so overwhelmed that I do not take action on either...
It is really a defense mechanism and I am so grateful I finally figured it out!
If I were really to leave LA at the end of this month to move to rural Idaho or California or Bali into an off-grid cabin so I can begin a new chapter of survivalism - which is one of my plans - it would actually go against my ACTUAL survival in a very real way - because I would be ignoring the immediate opportunities to calmly work on my project here - where I have contacts and manufacturers - and can continue healing with my amazing doctors....
For me to really move out of Los Angeles this very moment - driven by fear - is not actually good for my health or achievements!
My friend George's words resonated so deeply that he "first takes care of himself and his circle of friends/loved ones and then thinks of the world..."
He also says that "you have to protect your brain" and that "you get to choose what goes into your brain, which is great power and responsibility" and he is right...
I have been letting in so many (especially scary) ideas into my brain that it feels heavy and overwhelmed and I cannot blame anyone else but myself!
(...but now I realize I have been doing this partially as a way to sabotage myself from finishing my projects, for fear of failure!!!)
So with that being said,
just like I have been attempting to Detox from Dopamine, I am now detoxing from *outside influence* all together... unless I am going to create something from it - and finally face the risk of being disliked for my authentic self....
I know that as a Projector in Human Design, I am a big thinker/guide/dreamer/person who sees things from "the top of the mountain" (humanity as a whole) so I want to help heal the collective (which the internet is helpful to look at to help solve) and I absolutely LOVE esoteric/hidden information....but now - more than ever - I do take responsibility that i need to take care of myself first/my actions - (even if making decisions for myself and facing risk) - is uncomfortable and boring!
#2 ANOTHER BIG NEW STEP
No social media and very limited technology usage after sunset unless it is for my hypnosis program or to watch an uplifting documentary... Other than that, all technology goes away and I can focus on reading or having conversations with my friend George or other friends and eating delicious dinner.
Last night, I watched the movie AWAKE: The Story of Yogananda, which I highly recommend!!! (This was my use of technology, which I am OK with, since it was completely inspiring!!!)
I really think that spiritual leaders are like comedians - both are trying to bring the truth to people -
I know that my goal is to be a combination of all of these - health, spirit, comedy, truth...
but in order to be a creator/co-creator of inventions and services which help people, I need to actually be willing to feel uncomfortable with my decisions; I need to be willing to stay on my path and know that I have to be willing to take baby steps and potentially be disliked, as I pursue my goals...
I don't need to prepare for pain and I don't need to prepare for criticism - I can surrender to whatever happens.
I do not have to have all the answers as I follow my passions/attempt to help humanity, I can just follow what feels right from day to day actions!
Basically, I can allow instead of control!
Which feels better (and scarier/more exhilirating) anyway!
Even Helen Keller said:
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. "
#3 A BIG ONEDaily walks into the park to interact with trees/nature and take my shoes off and do a grounding meditation and connect with myself and God/Higher Power.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RUNNING A BUSINESS HAS BORING ELEMENTS TO IT, WHICH IS UNCOMFORTABLE...
FEAR OF FAILURE IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE
FEAR OF MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE
FEAR OF BEING DISLIKED IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE
but once I feel it, it isn't so bad!
Even just sitting for 10 seconds with my eyes closed to feel these negative emotions is actually freeing!
Yesterday I got into a 2 hour discussion with a man who is a fumigator named Wilmer who was coming to visit a building in my building compex to remove rats/mice and I told him how much I love rats (haha) and he said his company's goal is to remove animals compassionately by patching up holes in buildings, not killing them!
He said he used to be a toxic fumigator for 20 years before he saw how toxic the poisons he was using were to not only rats but to the cats and hawks that ate rats! He gave up poison and healed his business and his own body/mind! He was amazing!
We had a great conversation all about toxicity and how detoxifying makes you able to hear your own intuition more and we ended up talking about God and Good and Evil and we really resonated on so many topics - he was from El Salvador and really inspiring and we talked about our concerns over the motives of the quarantine and other "crazy conspiracy theories" -- and I was so happy to have found another person "questioning things" but equally, I feared that since we were talking outside, that my neighbors would hear me - and he gave me some really good advice about 'caring what people think' of you....
He said "Who cares if they hear you? Who defines you? Them [neighbors] or you?"
and thought about it for a second... and then I said ME.
He said "If other people do not like you, does that change how you define yourself?
NO.
If people think you are stupid or crazy, do you change how you define yourself?"
NO
He said that as long as he is sharing the truth, he does not care if people dislike him, because he defines himself and his own self image - and he cares more about educating people than pleasing them!
It was SUCH A GREAT LESSON!!!!!
He said that when sharing the truth, the one thing is to never call out names or make people 'wrong' - that it is best to just educate people on facts without making anyone wrong... and this is exactly what I am trying to do in my own life - to make decisions from FACTS and not EMOTION.....
Of course, you can find scientific studies to back up whatever your opinion is (such as "5G is safe" or "5G is unhealthy" .. "Bill Gates is a savior"..."Bill Gates is a depopulator") ... it all depends on who is funding the study ... Objective truth is hard to find, when money can lead to biased results - but no matter what, it is my intention to face each issue I am concerned with , without letting my emotions/fear of illness/etc cloud my judgement....which is exactly why I want to start a podcast (I *AM* starting a podcast) where I talk to people who can present facts - on all viewpoints... even if I do not agree with them! I JUST WANT TO LEARN.
And with that, I am going to go continue working on my invention since the sun is going down!!!!! :)
2 REALLY GREAT THINGS I am reading ....
1. Breathe Magazine
2. THE $100 STARTUP by Chris Guillebeau
THAT'S ALL.
BASICALLY, I COULD HAVE JUST POSTED THIS VIDEO TO SUM UP MY RECENT EPIPHANY... but I needed to learn this all myself!
Do you love Bashar too?
I KNOW THIS POST IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I REPEATED MYSELF QUITE A BIT BUT THIS IS MY THOUGHT PROCESS AND THIS IS MY BLOG, NOT A PUBLISHED BOOK! BWAHAHA
IMPERFECTION EXPRESSION IS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO MOVE FORWARD AND IS PERFECT TO ME FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG! HAVE A NICE DAY! I am trying my best!
