Sat 9:14am
People pleasing and being sick and weak has been my conscious and subconscious ways of feeling safe and loved. As someone who was bullied since preschool (by teachers, and students!) I learned that in order to survive I had to hide my strength and beauty, or stand out and be a target (in a bad way).
Growing up with well-meaning and loving, but emotionally unavailable parents who liked to be alone while living in a city that was overstimulating, I learned to eat numbing food in order to blunt my lifeforce energy so I did not have the desire to go outside and play, since there was nowhere welcoming to go and play.
My mom worked a lot as a single parent and liked to be alone when she wasn't working, and I learned that it was best to not disturb her by watching television and eating junk food and escaping/numbing myself rather than expecting my environment to meet my desire for connection and space.
This is not to say that my mother was not loving; she just was emotionally unavailable in the ways that I needed and that is OK because we are all different and trying the best we can.
I remember watching television in 1st grade hearing on the news about the welfare system in America and I was so angry; thinking of all the people on welfare who were stuck, and all the people in the middle class paying for the welfare and equally being stuck, because they were putting all their taxes to other people.
I remember being so angry about this and saying welfare seemed like broken and dumb and my mom said "Wow, why don't you become a dictator? You don't care about anyone" or something to that effect; I remembered this (recently) and I remember in this moment, I felt like if I subconsciously learned the misbelief that if I was angry/passionate, I would not be loved but instead be emotionally punished/have love and safety go away.
I demonized by own anger from that point on, and luckily, all the numbing I did with processed food and television helped it go from a 10/10 to a 3/10; but along with that numbing, all my emotions and energy levels went down to a 3, not just anger.
The capacity for pain is equal to the capacity for pleasure; and rather than angry outbursts over "why is the world the way it is?", I had a new (more welcome) compaint for my mom... "Why am I so tired and anxious?"
I could be the broken one, not the world!
I remember in 2nd grade my teacher Ms Pacifico said "Carlen, you're such a worry wart" and I remember feeling like there was something wrong with "me" but I now realize this was a lot more tolerable for a child's brain than thinking there was something wrong with her parents or environment as these were things that I could not change.
The thought of feeling like your parents are emotionally checked out or unsafe is something no child can really handle, so it is 'safer' to feel like there is something wrong with YOU as a way to not tailspin into psychosis , since our parents are our shelter, and to think your shelter is broken is not even fathomable for a small brain. A wonderful book called THE KAIZEN METHOD , which I had to read for my Spiritual Psychology program goes into this a lot more!
Feeling like a "broken worry wart" was a lot more welcome of an issue since the problem was no longer that I was "too angry"; the problem was no longer the welfare state; or the existence of factory farms (I became a vegetarian at age 7 voluntarily even though neither of my parents were).
The problem was now "me" and how there was "something wrong with me".
At age 9, I developed Obsessive Compulsive (as I mentioned back in April or May, when this Dopamine Detox began), and this "illness" , though unplanned, was just what I "needed" at the time, to both a) get sympathy and b) have a sense of authority help me make decisions.
The compulsions literally controlled my life in such an authoritative and threatening way that it told me what streets to walk on, what cracks on the sidewalk to avoid, what numbers to avoid, (3, 9), what ways to "stay safe" . All of these obsessions and compulsions were extremely overwhelming and imprisoning but I know on a subconscious level, they helped me to cope with my intensely emotional nature and my desire for meaning/safety (which weren't being met by my human parents) and exhaust me like a long work out or bottles of alcohol would, if I could have discovered those at age 9.
When I almost drowned 2x at age 9, and spent the summer with my alcoholic father who would get into cursing fights with his mother (my grandmother), my mental health derailed and my OCD increased, to fears of certain songs in a videogame called MarioPaint (I just went on Youtube and tried to find the exact song that scared me but only could find really nice simple songs and wonder if it was any of them!!!)
From age 9 until 21 I suffered intensely with OCD and was extremely tired all the time. I did terribly in school until 10th grade when I was determined to begin passing my math classes and then I finally did! But my ability to concentrate in class was dismal; my ability to memorize things was almost impossible; my energy level (especially in first class; and after lunch) was also dismal; and I just felt like I was "not made for this world"
The highlights of my days were coming home and watching television from 3:30-9pm and then eating a piece of pizza with broccoli on it; or a baked potato from the microwave. I felt no meaning in my life except the hope and dream that one day I would be pulled out of this mess and be rich and famous and full of energy like the people I saw on TV. I would be so famous that I would go on television and tell viewers to stop eating animals and stop polluting and remember to recycle and then I would drive back home to my mansion and have a level of inner peace, energy and euphoria that I dreamed was possible. I knew deep down there must be people who have energy out there; and celebrities on TV seemed to be the only people I saw who had the levels of energy and sanity that I craved.
This began my aspiration to be 'famous'............. No pain, no worries, and love from millions of people.
I knew that I wanted to make sure that my love of Earth was at the top of my priority for my 'fame and fortune life' and I imagined myself giving empassioned talk show interviews and speeches and fully waking up humanity!
I decided to major in Psychology and minor in Environmental Studies as a way to combine media and environmentalism and from age 21 onward I tried everything I could to "save the world" and "be famous".....
Little did I know that I was being completely saved from the beast system known as Hollywood which is an arm of the government; the same government that bans natural cures and free energy technologies even though there are patents as early as 1919 for these types of miracles.
I remember when my film The Color Wheel (which was a 80% terrible 20% fun experience from start to finish, but necessary for my awakening) was nominated for an AFI award; I remember going to the award show with a GO VEGAN sign and holding it up anytime the camera panned on me; even though the food they served was meat heavy and toxic deserts.
I remember working at MTV feeling like such a complete alien with the people I worked with; as if none of them saw the world the way I did;
I remember my friend casting me for a Kate Spade commercial playing a funny waitress and sitting in horror as the 'real' waiters (Hispanic and Black) sat on the sidelines of the commercial, and realizing I was getting paid likely 5x what they made in a day, to 'pretend' to do what they actually did. I remember complaining to the other actors about this in a jokey way and other people starting to open their hearts and realize the hypocricy of everything as well.
I remember thinking of the fact that it's strange that actors get paid and celebrated more than the real life heroes they often portray.
I remember thinking of the fact that our cellphones have gotten so advanced since they started yet our automobile motors have stayed relatively the same, except for the new expensive electric cars, which have the same ....
7:49PM
I had to cut my previous posting short to watch the Live launch of a documentary I have been waiting many years to come out, THRIVE 2: THIS IS WHAT IT WILL TAKE.
I highly recommend this film!!! SERIOUSLY! WOW!!!!!
Sunday 9:57am
Yesterday I was so happy to watch THRIVE 2 and joined the monthly group which you can join too at ThriveOn.com!
Today it is my intention to drive to San Luis Obispo, which is almost 3 hours North of Los Angeles but I am honestly SO SCARED TO DRIVE ON THE HIGHWAY STILL.
It is really so scary for me to merge on and off the highway here; I really don't know how people do it.
For me, as I mentioned, I am extremely sensitive and I see and feel everything; so the combination of the fast speeds, angry drivers, quick decisions, and chance of death are just such an intense combination for me.
I might end up leaving tomorrow instead so I can mentally prepare - and probably will do the "avoid highways" technique on Google Maps, which has been a lifesaver for me...
George offered to drive with me but I Know I want to do it alone.
The irony is, I feel unsafe in Los Angeles, and know I need to move for my safety.
Yet, I feel unsafe LEAVING Los Angeles on the highway so it is a bit of an uncomfortable illusion/feeling.
I am watching a bunch of Youtube videos before I go and trying to pinpoint my exact fears of driving....
Possible problems
1. Someone could hit me as I merge onto the highway
2. Someone will be mad at me if I drive too slow and think I am stupid/hate me.
3. I could hit someone as they merge onto the highway
4. I could miss my stop because I can't merge off the highway because too many fast cars
5. I could run out of gas and not be able to find a gas station
6. I could die all for an unnecessary trip.
7. I could get overwhelmed and have a panic attack.
Possible solutions
1. Drive at the speed of cars as I merge onto the highway and stay in the merge lane as long as I can.
Remember that merging on a highway is the same as a lane change in normal local roads, just much faster..
(SAFE ACRONYM)
These affirmations are great too.
How I approach driving is how I approach everything.
In all realms of adventure/pursuit, I want to know I am safe before taking action, I want to be perfect and am hard on myself when I don't have immediate results. I believe my sensitivity makes me "too weak" and I don't believe in my ability to get better over time.
I assume taking a wrong turn makes me unsafe. It is really amazing. An even deeper layer misbelief is, I am unloveable and stupid if I disappoint an angry driver on the road.
Their words can physically hurt me so I would rather avoid it. If I hurt someone's car they will yell at me.
The truth is, 2 weeks ago when leaving therapy, an Amazon delivery truck pulled up right behind me to make a double-park job in the middle of the road as I was backing up and we collided.
The back of my car got dented and he was very nice but it was so embarrassing/mortifying and I feared he was going to yell at me - but he didn't. Nor did the neighbors looking out their windows, scared that any commotion was occuring.
Overall, it was actually a wonderful experience because it was such a minor thing and I got to see the process of what would happen in an accident without any of the actual problems (Thank God)
On a deeper level, beyond fear of disappointing other drivers/getting yelled at/dying on a physical level,
I have subconsciously and consciously avoided responsibility (of driving and other "grownup things") because I did not want to admit I was an adult; because I thought on a subconscious level that once I was an adult, life would be horrible and I would feel alone and unprotected.
I touched on this topic in my last post (or post before that, for anyone keeping track haha) and I know this may be a subconscious fear for a lot of people. The irony is that I never felt truly protected from danger, so in a logical way, I am actually safer growing up and protecting myself than hoping my mom or (deceased) dad will finally show up and protect me in the way I need protecting.
Why am I finally learning this stuff now? What the heck.
I wish I could have learned this all at 21 but I know it wasn't the right time or situation!Here are some tips I am learning in driving/taking action in areas of life...
Drive/take action on your goals as often as possible to desensitize the fear response!
Feel your feet on the ground.
Get a driving journal and write down any sensations you feel when you get that anxiety; write down your thoughts and behaviors.
It reminds me when I was at college, I did not take any classes before 11am because I was too tired and I felt so inadequate; I have never been able to wake up early (until the last 2 years) and this driving reluctance gives me the same feeling of inadequacy.
This feeling of inadequacy/rejection/failure has stopped me from taking on big responsibilities.
But if I remember that I can take baby steps, it makes everything so much better.
I absolutely LOVE this video - this woman has such a wonderful presence!
Some suggestions I took from her:
Write out all my fears
Plan my trip. Look at all the stops I have to make. Look at map simulations over and over again. Imagine succeeding in all of them.
Set your intention for every drive, no matter how small it seems.
Wear confident and comfortable outfit.
Eat protein so your blood sugar doesn't spike.
~~
This week truly feels like such a big week of growing internally because I finally accept that it is OK if I disappoint other people in my pursuit of expressing truth or boundaries (same thing)
My therapist told me she disappoints people all the time and she says "I can tell I disappointed you. I can tell you're angry. I see that" and it was so liberating to think that she can live through this and so can I and we can comfort our inner children and tell us that we are still loveable and loved and safe even if other people's love goes away by expressing our needs and desires, our love will never go away. No matter what.
I have equated my lovability and safety on pleasing everyone and forgetting to please myself, UNTIL NOW, BWAHAHA
I know that going to my chiropractor on Tuesday, which led me to seek out my new favorite restaurant Soom Soom and feel overwhelmed driving there which led me to seeking out HighlySensitiveRefuge.com which led me to seeking out Indica to ask what I needed to do to understand and work with my sensitivty led me to seeking out the innerstanding that I have been afraid of all stimulation (success/pain) but that if I remember to breathe and remember it is not permanent and I can protect myself now better than my parents could, then I am free, and it is OK to disappont people, because those disappointments can be temporary anyway!!!!
With this newfound awareness, I have begun making MEMES on my Instagram @earthtocarlen if you want to see. I got only 1 negative comment from a disappointed stranger and it actually made me laugh and I kind of want to frame it in a gold frame!!!
Just as I was writing this blogpost, I logged into Instagram see an old friends who is a popular cool activist musician with hundreds of thousands of followers wrote "carlen no" as a comment to my post and then deleted it and then I looked at her page and see she had unfriended me!
On an Ego level, this could be hurtful and it did sting for a moment to feel that I had disappointed someone when trying to express myself in a sensitive way, but I actually welcome this type of rejection now , especially on social media because it dawned on me that all my "celebrity friends" who I met in New York are not really the people I resonate with anymore at all; and I don't even follow any of them on social media!
What they portray is such an illusion of happiness that it pains me to even see it, which is why I had to unfollow them as they present a false sense of reality that I find harmful to the collective consciousness who thinks they have to be 'perfect' to be succesful.
People who show perfect relationships when there is actually cheating; people who show perfect skin and "self acceptance" posts when there is actually lip injection and lots of other procedures; this is totally OK and I trust everyone to live in accordance with how they feel but I have to accept that not everyone is for me or my tastes; and I am not for everyone.
People hated Ghandi and Martin Luther King Junior and Jesus Christ and Nelson Mandela and I have to trust that if I am here to be a leader in any regard, I have to accept rejection and social abandonment/disappointing others!
I am only here to serve the truth and helping myself and other sensitive people and animals who are unseen!
I am forced to be brave now on behalf of all sensitive ancestors who did not speak up!!!!
I am forced to drive now (slowly but surely AFTER I PROCRASTINATE WATCHING 17 YOUTUBE VIDEOS) and see it as a priviledge because women could not drive decades ago, and we as a species did not even have the technology for driving for very long in the scheme of history!
Even though I feel like an alien and wish I could skip to the part of history where we can teleport, for now, it is a blessing to even get to express myself and go on adventures and I cannot take that for granted!!!
It is a blessing to alienate people without dying; and to attract likeminded people!
We are so lucky and blessed despite how insane it all feels now! Have a great day!
