Though I am so grateful for technology, the act of writing on this blog - just like broadcasting my views on social media is a bit unnatural/very "modern" in that I am unable to make eye contact with you when I express myself.
It is kind of like performing standup comedy in a theater - but even that is a bit more intimate as I am able to hear when people laugh or not... Here, I don't know who is reading this blog and I don't know how you are feeling. I think that has been part of the goal with starting it - to share my point of view without the need to people-please or cater my words to a specific person's sensitivity -- to trust that it is OK if not everyone resonates with my words or point of view. I am grateful to have taken this risk but I find the act of expressing oneself without knowing who is on the receiving end a bit unnatural.
Of course we have books and television shows and art and all other modes of creative expression where the artist has no idea how the audience receives their work. And often times, the audience may interpret the work completely different than the artist intended, based on their own personal experiences!
The point is, I believe that storytelling started off in an environment where you could see the people you were sharing the story with - not in a way where millions of people are disconnected from your eyes.
This topic of eyes has been on my mind since this Tuesday when I re-experienced my birth with the help of a new plant medicine which I tried for the first time.
I was able to be born again and look around and realize that there were no eyes to greet me upon entering this world. My mother was unconscious due to a C-Section surgery and I must have been wisked to another room where I could not see anyone.
It was in this moment when I became completely afraid and untrusting of the world. I felt so completely alone and didn't feel like anyone was there to help me. I was in this world and I was alone and nobody could connect with me and I had nobody to rely on.
It was so incredible to relive these feelings and realize this has been the feeling I have carried my entire 37 years on this planet - feeling like I am alone and nobody is here to console me.
This is why I have sought out "the truth" my entire life; so I could be as prepared as possible to know what's coming - so I would have the best chance of staying alive, since I didn't believe that anyone was there to ever help me or rescue me when I needed it.
I have operated my entire life as if I have to do everything alone; and I did this not just because of my birth experience but also because my parents both had traumatic childhoods and never felt safe themselves - and were both shy and never encouraged by their parents to make eye contact.
It all comes back to eye contact.
Eye contact is the most important and most vulnerable way to connect with others.
Our eyes are like worlds themselves, or like the center of a flower or the center of the sun. (do I sound like someone who tried psychedelics or what, hahaha)
But seriously, our eyes and the contact between humans is so very important in order to feel seen and in community.
I also learned how unbelievably lonely I have felt my whole life; since my parents both liked to be alone so much so I developed the need to "prove how independent and *not lonely* I could be.
I finally felt the depths of my loneliness which I have treated as a badge of honor.
I learned so much more but I felt called to share this aspect of eye contact as writing on here feels unnatural to me right now and I am sending you love and I hope you can imagine my eyes and know I am writing this to you! I trust you are receiving this exactly how you should and hopefully you can reconnect with the baby version of you and ask him or her what they need to feel safe, just like I was forced to do.
I literally cannot think of a more unnatural way to come into this world than in a sterile toxic hospital and I would NEVER have birth there. I am grateful for doctors and I appreciate all they do - but I do believe there is a sinister aspect to the way "modern" birth happens; and don't get me started on circumscicion , which I have discussed before.
How can you expect a baby to trust life when they are mutilated and do not even have eye contact?
THANK GOD EVERYONE IS WAKING UP!!! THIS AWAKENING CANNOT BE STOPPED AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY COMMITMENT TO HEAL MYSELF AND REMEMBER THE TRUTH AND THAT LOVE REALLY IS HERE; WE WERE ALL JUST PUT TO SLEEP TO FORGET IT BUT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN HERE.
Love is here regardless of our societal conditioning and toxic diets (mental, physical, spiritual)
Love is there under the mud of trauma.
Love is here.
ALSO, per my last post, if you haven't yet, please listen to Steven Halpern! I love his music so much and it has been so healing this week as I have been learning everything that has come forward!
To you reading this, I hope you love yourself so much and remember how special you are too! We are safe now!
I will never have to rely on the unreliable ever again.
I am never going to abandon my inner baby Carlen or grown up version of Carlen and I know it is safe to ask for help, love, connection and resources now without feeling like a burden.
I am so thankful to the Earth for saving me!!!!
HA HA HA PLOT TWIST to my attempt of saving her!
Plant medicine will save this planet and thank God it is happening already, one person at a time.
It has absolutely been worth the risk of "going crazy" to finally understand this life slowly but surely and truly heal myself, while also protecting myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Earth is a strange planet to be on but it is ultimately a very boring and loving place if you focus on your immediate life and sharing your gifts and do not get sucked into the synthetic narratives and unfulfilling connections of television and the internet.
Nobody knows more than you do about what you need. This is a blessing even if it doesn't seem that way.
