GOBLIN GETTING ACCUPUNCTURE LIKE A LITTLE UNICORN (he seemed to love it and had tons of energy afterwards!)

The second Ayuhuasca ceremony I began to mention 3 posts ago was completely different than the first one. This time, I took a different combination of plants, including hallucinogenic orchids and I was with 2 friends instead of alone with the shaman. 

One of the main things I learned was that this entire reality is a dream that I have made up for my spiritual growth - everything I see is something I made up which has been perfectly created for my growth and that everyone I know is only real in my reality. EVEN MY RABBIT GOBLIN IS SOMEONE I MADE UP IN THIS DREAM FOR MY GROWTH!

Of course that sounds completely illogical since the people who are real in my reality seem to be real in other people's reality (we all know who Michael Jackson is) but are all of you and Michael Jackson just part of my dream? 

HOW DID MY SOUL COME UP WITH CARROT TOP IN MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH SIMULATION DREAM?!? COME ON, DAWG! I hope he is doing well during this pandemic. 

Even before this plant medicine experience, I have wondered if everything is a dream - in the past I have come to the conclusion that the Earth is a school and we are given the option to follow our hearts/souls bravely towards our goals/helping others - and if we can get past the distractions/disempowerment we were conditioned with, we will "graduate" from Earth and go to a new reality/planet.

If we stay stuck in our self-doubt/selfishness/do not follow our goals we will get transported back to Earth in another body and have to start "over again" and learn the lessons we were supposed to try to learn in this lifetime.

There is no 'bad' or 'good' choice, it just takes longer to ascend to another reality in the next life.

The main way to graduate is to lovingly follow your heart/goals and help others.

I think just following goals - as opposed to 'completing them' is enough because it shows a trust in God/oneself, which is enough to excel forward to the next reality.

Of course this sounds "crazy" to a normal person but if you are reading this blog by now you know I have come out of the closet as a 'not normal' person.

I woke up today from a dream with the message that you have to expand your nervous system for both stress and success. Your ability to handle stress and success is equal. 

Everytime I pursued something creatively (film/tv/jewelry design/etc) I would be completely overwhelmed and exhausted and drained and obsessing about making the "right choice" to the point where I did not want to do anything.

I needed other people to tell me "I was on the right path" and often times, I chose people who were condescending and narcissists to work with, since they liked bossing me around, and I felt like I needed to be bossed around.

I thank God that all of the work relationships I had before my awakening in 2017 fell through because I would have manifested a very unhealthy career where I did not listen to my own unique voice(s) hahaha.

I have had to heal my nervous system so I can handle both stress AND success, which both require a lot of energy/stimulation/resiliency to handle surprises/learnings/criticisms.

It is only now in 2021 that I have finally unraveled WHY I did not have resiliency or confidence or energy to stay consistent in my own goals. It was not A.D.D for me. 

It was nutritional deficiencies I had to deal with /trapped anger which I relieved through breathwork and plant medicine and especially the epiphany that I am safe to "make mistakes" as mistakes are just "learning opportunities" and I will not die if I make mistakes. 

I also had to listen to what I truly wanted and not what society wanted for me. (which were very different)

On a more micro-level, something I learned that is simple and powerful is the reminder that I can take breaks every hour and go meditate in a dark room if I need to, and I can drink lots of water and take protein/vitamins and avoid gluten/dairy/processed foods which gave me a blood sugar crash.

I had to learn that even if I am not a "normal person" who easily wakes up at 7am like "normal people do", I still am a smart worthy person who is capable and deserving of success and I can work with other people and share my needs without being "too much" or "needy" (which is how I felt when I worked with other people in the past, which is why I attracted narcissists into my life!)

I believe most of Hollywood is narcissistic men/women who feel unlovable and insecure women who cannot put up boundaries with men so they develop anxiety/exhaustion for fear that if they put up boundaries, they will not have careers. I know that was the case for me and it seems to be a pattern I witness with people I know/see (but hopefully things have changed!)

Whatever the truth is, I think my life was SAVED by my health problems because had I been able to succesfully wake up at a "normal people time", I would have likely gotten a "normal job" in an office that I hated and I would have done the "normal thing" of numbing myself with Prozac like I did from 20-32. If I could have figured out a way to make money being a normal person, I think I would have taken it - and would probably be married to someone by now who I avoided telling my true feelings to, for fear of being a burden (since I was under the impression that my feelings were too much for people to handle, which I THANKFULLY dissolved in hypnosis)

Have you ever had these feelings like you are "too much" if you were to show people the "real you"?

My wonderful friend who I am living with now said the amazing sentence: 

"YOU ARE NEVER ABANDONED WHEN PEOPLE WALK AWAY AFTER YOU SHOW THEM WHO YOU TRULY ARE. YOU JUST FINALLY GET TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE'S TRUE COLORS"

Anyone who will stop being your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend for you expressing yourself to them/sharing your needs is not someone you could ever truly rely on anyway in a real deep way. It is almost better to be completely yourself and alienate the people who are not meant to be in your life.

In the last 4 years of living in Los Angeles,  I attempted to have serious talks with my closest friends from New York about concerns I had with our friendship (which was very vulnerable for me to share my needs/concerns) after these talks, all of them drifted out of my life and stopped texting me 'funny memes' etc. 

It was sad but it makes sense because I met them when I was on a frequency where I only related to conflict with humor instead of sincerity. It makes sense that they would be triggered by me wanting to have serious conversations/share my concerns/have NEEDS for the first time. 

It makes sense our friendships ended - but this was such a blessing because I know those friends were wonderful to me at the place I was at and I will always be thankful for their unique roles in my life - and now that I have changed so much, I have finally met people who are able to have a rich complex interaction that I desire and do not make me feel like a burden for expressing myself if something is on my mind or I have a request of them.

We are given everything and everyone in our lives to teach us something/steer us on a path back into following our heart/goals (just like the plants said is the whole point of this dream life!)

I think it is so amazingly constructed that in this 'dream life, (PS I am not 'dissociating from reality' don't worry... but if you worry or judge me, that's OK TOO! THIS IS *MY* DREAM, BITCHES! just kidding), God gave me horrible memory skills due to heavy metal poisoning because that stopped me from being able to memorize things well. From 6-digit PIN numbers you get on your phone which vanish in a few seconds to peoples names to scripts to my own comedy routines (which I would secretly write on my arm when I did comedy)

I was forced to NOT be able to memorize things because my true purpose is to create completely NEW things and not be a copycat of what has already existed.

When I was 21 I think I mentioned I got a mysterious call to audition for my favorite show "THE DAILY SHOW WITH JOHN STEWART" and I completely butchered the audition because I could NOT remember anything. Now, 16 years later I am SO glad I did not get any jobs like that because that show, along with almost everything else on television, is unknowingly or knowingly working to keep humanity in a divided, distracted,  aroused, unfulfilled frequency where nothing really changes except the size of our iPhone and the avatar puppet who is in our White House.

There are no shows that teach you how to do actually useful things and this MAKES SENSE since the purpose of television was to be filler between commercials. Commercials were the whole reason that television shows were created (to keep you watching the commercials, who fund everything - and who obviously, you cannot INSULT on your program)

Anyway, I know I have become a broken record but I don't really care. I have been reflecting on all of this SO MUCH because I feel like I was saved from a mediocre prison of conformity which I still see many people doing who I knew in New York and who are "succesful" in the American way of being on television/having blue-check verified Instagrams but being deep-down just as co-dependent and insecure as I was and are just HIDING IT the way I did (while romanticizing that everyone else 'had their shit together').

In some ways, I wish I could just be normal and post selfies and throw in a smattering of perfectly curated social justice posts calling for police reform to make myself seem "woke" like most of the people I see on Instagram doing, - and then go back to their selfies - (NOT REALLY . BARF)

On a serious note, one day I will be able to interview people who represent different viewpoints on how we can actually best heal racism/police brutiality in this country instead of posting meaningless black squares on Instagram to try to seem "compassionate" and then going back to life as if nothing is different.

I was so totally repulsed by everything to do with 'image' especially social media. 

I am repulsed by lies and superficiality and that is all that social media is.

I took my repulsion with 'image' very far. In fact, it is so fascinating to me that after I acted in a music video in 2017, I barely took any photos or videos for almost 4 years and wore such comfortable sweatpants and normal clothing and never wore make up or shoes other than hiking boots. I stopped caring how I dressed or looked and it was so freeing and felt like a rebellion to the way I was before, where I cared what I looked like so I could be 'accepted' and trick people into thinking I was vaguely normal.

In the past 2 months, with the help of plant medicine, I am actually enjoying my body on Earth  and wearing nice clothing again for the first time since like 2016 and it is honestly so fun to be a human and wear clothing again and care of what I look like!

Aren't ears so strange and alien-like? NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THIS! 

What a weird amazing time to be alive! THANK GOD IT'S ALL A DREAM RIGHT?

Hahahahaha (who knows what is real, right?)

The point is, if everything is a dream (which according to the plants, it might be) then nothing is that big of a deal - which is why, whether the plants are "right", I am living as if there is no wrong answer except to ignore your heart/truth/love. 

I am only focusing on my true authentic voice and how I can be helpful. I am not trying to fit into any boxes of "indie actress" or "Earthy environmentalist" or "hipster doofus" or "secret conspiracy theorist" - I am not any of those boxes and neither are you and we do not have to fit in anymore. 

OUR INDIVIDUALITY IS OUR UNIQUE GIFT TO BE AND SHARE.

HOT TOPIC, HERE WE COME!!!!