The funny thing is so MUCH has happened between those periods that I sincerely feel like a different person on a different path altogether.
December 1st I moved out of the apartment complex I had been living in since 2017 with a fearful intention to leave California and look for a small cabin to move into. Part of this was fueled by fear over a "civil war" which my doctor had told me to prepare for, if each political party was dissatisfied with the outcome. I honestly am so grateful Biden won mainly for the reason that the country would have continued to be in a very dark energetic place had Trump stayed in office.
Anyway, the original point was that I was very fearful for my safety and fearful for an impending Depression and as I mentioned, I stocked up on all sorts of fun "survival" things (which I have actually done since 6th grade, when I built a "survival bunker" in my closet on 72nd street where I grew up) - I have always lived in fear to some extent, that something was "about" to happen, and I finally now understand where this comes from, thanks to plant medicine - and have since dissolved this fear by about 70%.
Because I knew I was leaving December 1st, I spoke with my therapist and asked if I was ready to try ayuhuasca, which is something I have been wanting to try for 5 years since I first heard about it (even though I had never even been "high" from marijuana before) - I just KNEW that ayuhuasca was different. In 2014, I made a friend named Daniel Pinchbeck who wrote a whole book about ayuhuasca and asked him for recommendations on where to do it in a legal, medically assisted environment.
I am SO GLAD I did not try that medicine back then as I did not have the time or grounded energy to handle that kind of experience in 2014. I might have mentioned this but the MAIN reason I attempted to wean off of antidepressants in 2014 was so I could eventually try ayuhuasca (since you can have permanent brain damage if you are taking a Serotonin-increasing pharmaceutical such as Prozac, which I had been on for 11 years)
Attempting to go off Prozac was probably the hardest experience I have ever attempted as I truly had such an intense withdrawal experience and gave up 3 times. I felt moments of euphoria and then absolute depression to the point of not wanting to exist anymore. It was the discomfort I felt which catalyzed me to leave NY on a one-way ticket in 2015 to sunny Los Angeles and then eventually make my home there.
Deep down, I knew someday it would all be worth it because I would eventually try ayuhuasca. And November 17th, 2020 is when that happened!
I connected with a wonderful shaman who was able to do a private ceremony with her at her house and had been trained for over 10 years with all kinds of plant medicines with her mentor in Peru and I learned so much. I had no idea that orchids could be cultivated for hallucinogenic purposes and it made me love one of my favorite movie Adaptation by Spike Jonze/Charlie Kaufman even more (which is about orchid thieves...and so much more!). Have you seen it? I think it is such an inspiring beautiful movie and the internal dialogue style of the main character is what inspired me to write my movie Loners Together (which I only filmed part of, which will be available on my new website!)
The point is, I learned so much going into the experience that I felt (somewhat) prepared and I am so thankful for the opportunity to have done a ceremony with only the shaman as I think I would have been truly afraid if I was in a room of yelling, vomiting people which is the norm from what it sounds like.
Part of my major issues to dissolve was "control" so it made sense I would want to be in a controlled environment - even in a psychedelic "out of control" experience.
As soon as the shaman and I discussed intentions and did a prayer and she read a beautiful poem, I took the medicine and about 20 minutes later, I was transported to me as a baby in the hospital after just having been born.
I looked around and nobody was around and I did not understand and I was so afraid. I felt so afraid to be alone and I felt like nobody was there to comfort me. It was at that moment that my brain decided that I was completely alone in this world and that I was the one who would have to protect myself.
I was able to be present as both my adult-self and my baby-self and I comforted her and she cried a completely different cry than my own, as if we really were 2 split personalities and I was there for her. I really believe this to be true that she was internalized in me this whole time, waiting for love and protection, and I believe this is why "inner child work" is completely a valid and useful thing, as we have our child-mind hidden deep down within us, especially considering we form our perceptions of reality/"safety"/societal norms before age 7.
The medicine told me that I had been afraid this entire time that nobody would help me and that this is why I was so fearful all the time. It also told me that I felt very lonely my entire life - but that because my parents were both loners, I felt ashamed of wanting human interaction so I prided myself on being a "loner" - which can be totally seen in my "personal brand" of someone having pets/staying in on Saturday night/being a total hermit.
The medicine told me this was actually untrue and I was only acting this way to protect my heart because it showed my mom closing the door to her room when I was a little girl/it showed me in the crib looking at my parents bed across the room wanting their attention but not wanting to bother them.... I have always felt like a burden to other people and it was this feeling of being a burden that led me to be the "listener"/"healer" in friendships, which I now realize is not the dynamic I choose to continue any longer.
When I moved to Los Angeles in 2017, it was as if all of the friends I had accumulated were no longer on the same frequency as me and I was forced to sit in the stew of my healing by myself and then slowly but surely, make completely new friends.
My 2 closest friends in Los Angeles, one of which I was going to make a television show with, seemed like distant balloons which I could no longer grasp or connect with in the way we used to. I am so grateful to have had these friends but it is still so crazy to me that people who I considered so close would someday feel like strangers to me! It really still is so fascinating how those things happen!
I know this alienation/isolation is very common with people who experience "spiritual awakenings" and have the period called the "dark night of the soul" which I absolutely was on for all of 2017-2019, where I literally had no friends except my therapist, doctor, my wonderful friend Laura who moved back to Holland, and my neighbor George who I am forever grateful for as Laura and George were very inspiring/healing for me to get to know as they were the first friends I have ever had who could handle difficult conversations without making jokes to avoid the topic and/or giving me the silent treatment and/or scolding me for overreacting and/or avoiding me after painful conversations (all immature traits which is something I was also guilty of too because of my own parental conditioning. I am so grateful for all the friends I have had over my lifetime and perhaps they were a lot more mature than I was, so I did not get to explore a deeper side with them out of my own reservations and not because of their inability to have difficult conversations.
Either way, I will probably never know as I am literally not close with anyone in Los Angeles who I knew from New York (though I am grateful for all of them and wish them all the best, honestly! They have all been precious diamonds to me at different times of my life and I trust we are supposed to meet everyone we come in contact with, exactly at the right time)
I am out of touch with all my friends from NY except for my lively friend Matt who I went to college with for my first 2 years and who I hosted the podcast with earlier in the pandemic but decided I do not want to continue because I have outgrown that version of myself who wants to prove any sort of point regarding politics/"conspiracies" and am just now focusing on myself and soon helping others, and in the meantime, continuing to have conversations with people who know more than me and learning from them without proselytizing* anyone (*ISNT THAT A FUN WORD? like have prosthetic/half prostitute.... a prosleytizing prostitute a prosletute).
Anywhoozle, the point I was trying to make was that after doing ayuhuasca (which was custom-formulated for me by the wonderful shaman with a variety of different plants, not just ayuhuasca), I finally felt the depths of my loneliness for the first time and I realized that my desire to live alone in a cabin came from me feeling like I was an emotional burden to everyone since that was the way I felt since I was a child - which was actually true since my parents did not know how to have real conversations about emotions/feel their own pain deeply, because they did not have safe containers which I didn't until meeting my therapist. I am so grateful I finally learned how to have uncomfortable conversations and the tools to really do so, since these tools are how I unlocked my fear of "expressing myself" (which I mentioned in my last post was the single most important and free health cure I have experienced)
Something extremely fascinating while taking ayuhuasca was that it told me that my eye had been crossed since I was born (!!!!) and the medicine literally began to re-wire my eye and I felt it happening so I held up my phone camera to serve as a mirror and actually filmed it. You can literally see my pupil going from the center of my eye all the way to the side of my eye (like a crazy person/broken doll) and then my eye came back perfectly aligned to the center of my eye.
This was one of the most fascinating experiences I have ever had and I have a feeling this happened because of the chemical plant compound Atropine which is found in many plants and has been used to cure health conditions, including lazy eyes since the 1800s!
Whatever the case is, there is no denying the healing qualities of these plants, which, coupled with heavy metal detoxification and awkward eye exercises, would probably bankrupt the modern opthamology industry.
At one point, I went into the bathroom and happened to glance at myself in the mirror and my face began morphone into a beautiful Native American/Central American teenage girl - and then my face turned gray into an old woman. At that moment, I knew that these 2 women were my ancestors/past lives and that I was carrying them with me. It was one of the most fascinating moments of my life/(lives) and I really felt such pride to have such strong women inside of me.
I cried so much that night and I can say it was one of the best experiences of my life. I did not throw up the way I had been told might happen (though the shaman did have a bowl near my cot so if I had to, I would) - When I went into the bathroom, I tried to throw up in the toilet but it just came out as sounds, and I made a bunch of different octaves for a few seconds each, as if I was throwing up the energy of those sounds - and when I lifted my head up, I told the shaman that I was using the "sound bowl" and we both laughed.
One of the main messages I received this night was that my sense of humor/creativity was saved for the new paradigm beginning December 21, 2020 (The Age of Aquarius) because the old paradigm used humor to shame - whereas my gifts are to be used to uplift people. This felt so true and I was told that I would never feel fulfilled being on a comedy show that made fun of others because that was not my soul path. I am here to uplift and inspire others and I had to detoxify until the Age of Aquarius because now humanity is ready for humor to be used to heal instead of distract.
I was also told that most people will never go on a healing journey like I have because if they begin to heal, they will have to spend a) time b) money c) consistent interest to heal, and most people do not want to.
It told me that most people are supposed to get the vaccine for Coronavirus (which I intuitively feel is not necessary with all of the immunity-saving supplements and activities which seem more trustworthy and effective to me)- it told me that people do not want to deal with doing anything natural for their health as it would force them into a healing journey that is too painful for them to deal with. It said most people need numbing foods/alcohol/pills to keep them alive because the pain of healing would be too great. The vaccine is an extension of that path, because the opposite, taking personal responsibility for your health, will lead to a detoxification that will be too painful for most people who do not have the time or interest or money as I do.
I really understand this and it makes so much sense to me. Once you begin detoxifying your body like I began in 2016, it brings up all sorts of emotions/spiritual experiences, and most people cannot handle that because they have fulltime jobs/families to care for, and so it is much easier to stuff down their true feelings/life desires to just get through life.
This absolutely resonates with me as even I could not handle diving into my own healing journey until I had enough money to try all of the weird modalities I did, which is an extremely rare lucky priviledged place and exactly why I know part of my mission on this planet is to share everything I have learned with people who are in economic situations like I was for most of my life, where it was a luxury to even go to a holistic doctor once in a lifetime (since none of the things that helped me are covered by health insurance or considered "scientific")
From this message, I finally dissolved my need to shout my views from the rooftops as it relates to vaccine injury, chemtrails, depopulation, GMOs, EMFs, 5G, Flouride in the water, the traumatic effects of circumsicion and sterile hospital births and C-sections.
I STILL BELIEVE ALL THIS CRAZY ASS STUFF BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE THE NEED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU UNLESS I AM ASKED! (though I will be discussing these topics soon in a different format than this blog)
Most people, if they were to begin thinking about all of this and trying to live differently, would likely result in an awakening/detoxification that would be too inconvenient and painful for them.
Even me, living in Los Angeles with time and money, has a hard time sticking to a completely organic diet/vitamin supplements so I can't even imagine how much commitment it would take for someone in a less priviledged situation.
I really understand humanity more than ever and I credit plant medicine for helping me understand things, and dissolving my need to "wake anyone up"
I also feel comfort at the fact that there are already enough people who have woken up like I have, and this is why the energy of the planet has gotten better and why the New World Order/Great Global Reset is not a threat to me anymore.
I will always figure out how to live a healthful peaceful life if I want to, and I have to trust that everyone knows what is best for everyone else - and I no longer give power to ANY authority, whether it is Klaus Schwab or David Icke.
Conspiracy theories now feel like gossip magazines to me - they are both wasteful speculation and all I can do is live a healthful life and lead by example and share with people who want my opinion, and trust anyone who is triggered by my views is supposed to live life exactly as they are and I will love them regardless if they like me or not since I see beyond their human-shell and see that their soul is doing the best it can to make it through this existence.
The next morning I woke up, took a long walk and then drove home.
Once I realized how lonely I had felt, the thought of leaving Los Angeles and heading to rural Texas/elsewhere didn't appeal to me so much but I did not know what to do as I knew deep down in my heart I was ready to leave my current living situation with George since the energy of the building complex/neighbors were so heavy and draining.
I only had 2 friends come to my apartment in the 3 years I lived there and they both said the energy felt haunted and tired, and I really believe this to be true as where I am living now (PLOT TWIST) is much better energy.
On the 1st, I moved in with a very close friend from my Spiritual Psychology program named Robyn and left Goblin with George. I only intended to stay at my friend's house for 1 week but God had other plans for me!
After I told my friend what an amazing ceremony I had, she had never done ayuhuasca before but decided she was also ready and she hired the shaman I worked with to come to her house on the 12th. She invited a friend of hers who flew down from another state, to also try ayuhuasca for the first time.
I had planned that I would be out of her house by the 12th because I did not think I was ready to try the medicine again so soon, and also because I had never met my friend's friend and did not feel comfortable at the thought of having such a vulnerable experience with someone I did not know. I also did not want to be a burden since my friend only has one extra bedroom so I wanted to be out before my friend's friend arrived so I planned I would be on the road by then!
Around the 3rd, we went to get me a new phone with a much better camera (the iPhone 11 instead of the iPhone 7) so I could began documenting my upcoming roadtrip and we had such a nice day out that my friend suggested we eat mushrooms together and after an hour of contemplation in my room, I said yes.
That night was extremely surprising as once the medicine took over, I began crying to be taken back to my original planet, and that I was done with Earth. I longed to be back on a planet that I don't even know of, but from my research, I feel very strong that I am a Pleiadian starseed (and haha, I just learned that the Subaru Car logo is a symbol for the Pleiadies and I have a Subaru car as my first car as it was the only car brand I wanted, without even knowing this!!!!! OF COURSE!)
Anyway, I was crying to go back to my planet - and then a voice within me said "Carlen, you have not given this Earthly body a chance. You claim to love the Earth but you completely ignore how great it is to be on Earth in this body. Look at you, you are about to embark on a roadtrip where you plan to wear the same pair of pants everyday and sleep in the backseat of the car some nights - you really do not make life on Earth very pleasurable for yourself so of course you want to go back to your planet, where you don't have a body)
My friend and I also had the same message come to us at the same time during our individual journeys, that the "Cabal"/unseen sinister 1% which dominates the planet are only powerful because we do not believe in our own power. We give them power when we criticize ourselves and control ourselves and live in fear. Once we stop living in fear, the "cabal" loses power.
It was so amazing that we both received this message independently and it feels true.
The next day, on the 3rd, I was still planning on leaving for my big roadtrip and in the morning, I was walking up my friends' staircase and accidentally got my foot caught in my pant leg while walking up a flight of stairs and ended up tripping up the staircase (literally, not figuratively) , which was very strange as I was wearing a pair of beautiful light blue silk pants with coy fish on them which only go up to my ankle and there was no logical way I would have tripped on these pants since they are such a short length.
Whatever the reasons, I could not comfortably walk or drive for a few days and needed to have ice on my leg. I was so scared that I was not able to leave as soon as I wanted to, but I meditated and was told that I was supposed to stay in California longer to attend this plant medicine ceremony.
I told this to my friend (and her friend, who had just arrived) and they were very excited for me to join them, as we all felt comfortable being around each other, and I was the "experienced" one who had worked with this shaman before, and I was so thankful to now have this opportunity.
---To be continued---
