I was just looking on my email for a specific and random document and accidentally began reading emails I had from 2011, specifically with my 2011 boyfriend who took this photo at my then-subway stop in overcrowded Greenpoint Brooklyn.
My then-boyfriend - to this day - was my only 'serious' "long term" relationship and someone who I am actually still friendly with and who lives in Los Angeles as well, even though we don't hang out in real life as he lives with his girlfriend (though we text regularly and platonically about our love of birds and elderly people)
It's crazy because he and I text messaged today (which is rare) but then suddenly this evening, I accidentally began re-reading a bunch of emails from him in 2011 and OH MY GOD it was really emotional for me as I felt like I was hovering over my past self and seeing how closed my heart has been, even with those who I was closest to, even him, everyone.
I WAS SO AFRAID OF ANY KIND OF COMMITMENT WHATSOEVER.
In my email, I told my then-boyfriend I didn't want us to have a title of "boyfriend girlfriend" (deep down because I was afraid of commitments!)
Even though he was literally 21 at the time and I was 27 (HELLO MILF JK GROSS) I was SO IMMATURE AND FLIGHTY AND I SEE THAT NOW BUT I ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS THE WAY I WAS!
I re-read about 6 emails or so (his name ommitted - his text in black / mine in funky Courier blue font)
While reading our email exchange, I was witnessing how emotionally intelligent he was at 21 and also so many clues to how out of touch I was with myself and how much of a brain fogged insomniac I was and how terrible I was at keeping commitments and how easily I felt caged at sticking to any one project of mine, or person.
I am not posting a bunch of these emails for the sake of privacy but below is enough of a clue to share just how closed-off I was compared to how kind he was.
(his nice email basically trying to express he wanted commitment from me in a loving way)
Basically, I did not want to commit to him or anyone else - and on a bigger scale, to any of my creative projects or a schedule or ANYTHING.
I could not handle 'the work' I envisioned it would take to sustain any type of project or relationship (though I did not consciously know I was self-sabotaging myself for this reason)
I really think that this repulsion towards commitment came from my intense sensitivity to the world and that I did not know how I would feel - from moment to moment - since I was so tired all the time.
I did not commit because I thought my mood would change from day to day and I did not want to let anyone down.
It is very easy and annoying to romanticize that I would have done things differently if I knew then what I know now but I trust that life has worked out the way it has.
I feel a pang of remorse that I did not learn these skills sooner but NOBODY TEACHES WHAT I AM LEARNING NOW.
Nobody tells you that most "modern" food (gluten/dairy/all processed foods) will make you too tired to stay awake all day if you are a sensitive person.
Nobody tells you that you don't have to be perfect/ignore your needs in order to be loved.
Nobody tells you that heavy metals or parasites can cause brain fog and anxiety which can not be "talked away" in therapy like most people treat anxiety.
Nobody tells you that you deserve to have boundaries, even with people you love - in order so you can be a part of their life while meeting your own needs first.
(This is basically all about co-dependency, something I have been healing from)
If I could go back in time to tell 2011 Carlen anything, I would say:
There is nothing wrong with you. You were not taught literally anything useful so don't beat yourself up.
You will not become claustrophobic if you stick to commitments, as long as you prioritize your self-care needs before any external commitment.
You must know what self-care looks like (enough fats, vitamin Bs, grounding in nature, meditation, writing, and so much more....)
Even if you have problems with a person or situation, it is no reason to give up. You will learn resilience so you can handle stress! Know that problems do not mean failure, they mean learning!
You do not have to lose yourself by committing or connecting with another person. You do not need to discount your emotions just because you are connecting with others.
I am so glad for everything I have learned, especially the last 4 years - about healing myself and taking care of myself and hearing my inner voice so I can live as authentically and energetically as possible.
That being said, there is still a part of me that feels I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM LEARNING THIS ALL NOW!
I wish I had known this back in 2011 and I could have been as loving a girlfriend as my then-boyfriend was to me.
At the same time, I know it couldn't have gone any other way.
I trust my then-boyfriend's life worked out exactly how it is supposed to and I am so grateful that he and I are still friends.
There are no accidents. I needed every life experience I have had and every person in my life.
It was my then-boyfriend who connected me with a job at age 26 at a vintage shop where I took naps in the bathroom like every. other job I had had a boss who randomly connected me with my current-therapist here in LA (even though I had this job in NY and my therapist is in LA and my boss doesn't even go to her!!!) -
It was this therapist who helped me change my life the last 4 years and connected me with my school and doctors and plant medicine facilitators, and so much more.
It all had to happen in the time and order it did.
My heart feels like it is unthawing now and I literally feel like I am processing my break up for the first time.
I understand my fear of commitment is based on what I was told in a dream twice this month - which I posted about in my last post.
"In order to commit to anyone or anything, you must commit first to yourself"
(And I will add, commit to my relationship with God/Spirit)
I am genuinely ready to commit to myself and God for the first time so I can show up consistently with the external world and the people in it.
I am so thankful to be living with my friend Robyn at the moment because it shows me that I do not get drained by people even if I see them everyday - and she feels the same way!
It is literally the first time we have (both) ever had this experience of living with someone where I see them everyday and have deep talks and go for walks everyday and I don't feel like I am a people-pleaser or repressing my needs - and I know it is because we are both honest about all our feelings and know when we need alone - time.
In the past - even the recent past - I would need SO MUCH ALONE TIME from others - even those friends that I loved - but that was because I was trying to make them happy/hiding my true feelings/not even in touch with my feelings because I was so detached from everything; so being with others (even those I loved) was exhausting and I was NOT COMMITTING TO MYSELF SO I ENDED UP RESENTING EVERYONE FOR HAVING ANY EXPECTATIONS OF ME!
This created a cycle where I needed a lot of alone time - but now I know THE TRUTH which is that people are resilient and I am not responsible for other people's feelings especially if I express myself in a loving manner, and that I deserve to have needs and anyone who will abandon me for having needs is not someone I need in my life.
It is hard to know these things until you are an adult, I believe, since as a child, you feel like your safety is tied in with how likeable you are.... so why would you want to risk alienating anyone by asserting a boundary of any kind?
I am so thankful for the way my life is unfolding and I am so thankful I have learned how to commit, finally, so I can have true friendships and relationships with other human beings and finally take all my ideas from seed to tree instead of stopping watering them after 3 months and moving onto the next seed.
