As I casually mentioned yesterday, I believe the diagnosis of ADHD is too simplistic as it is like a blanket term for "people who think differently"; I think that this "different thinking" has been pathologized to get people to fall in line and be consumers of information/products instead of disrupting the system by doing things differently.

Most creative people think that school is a waste of their life and they would be labeled as "ADHD" but the truth is, THEY'RE RIGHT! IT IS A WASTE OF THEIR LIFE! Their minds would be much better suited to creating what it is that they want to create. People "force" themselves to be disciplined but I believe that even this is unnatural; we should only do things when we feel called to do them... even cleaning.

If you can tolerate being in an extremely messy house, you should just stay in that until the pain/stench of that house makes it so you feel the impetus to clean it. You should not even have to exert "discipline" in the form of self-shame/"come up, put on your big boy pants and just DO IT" mentality.

People should only do what they feel inspired to do. When the pain of NOT doing something becomes so uncomfortable, that is when the person will learn to add an activity (ie cleaning/studying/saving money) to their lifestyle and not beforehand;

Similarly, people who are bored in school should just stop going and do whatever it is they're interested in; even if that is sitting at home in their basement playing "Fortnight" or some other addictive videogame. I think that if that brings them joy, and they can financially afford to do nothing else, they should do that... They should not be 'shamed' into 'getting a job' or 'being productive' - they need to do it on their own accord. That being said, if they are financially dependent on parents to accomodate their lifestyle, it is up to the parents to do what is best for themselves; and if that is telling the child that they have to contribute to the electricity/internet bill in order to support their "lifestyle choice", and they are firm in their demand of financial contribution, that will be enough to inspire the videogamer to figure out a way to accomodate their lifestyle. In other words, they will not be "forced" to pay money, but if they want to continue their lifestyle under someone else's roof, then they need to figure out a way to make money; and ideally this will be through soemthing they love, such as starting a Youtube channel about their passion over Fornite/whatever it is that they are drawn to.

I use this as a random example (I have never played Fortnight or any videogames since literally 1997) but it is an example I choose because this is considered a "waste of people's time" .... I do believe that videogames are popular because they help people (especially males) feel like they are being a "hero"/"warrior" in their own life, without having to leave their homes... This to me, is intentional manipulation of men to transmute their natural brave/protective instincts into becoming like a potty-trained indoor dog that pees on paper mats instead of an outdoor dog that pees up against a tree to mark it's territory, which is way more satisfying. (ps I love peeing outside, do you?)

I think that poop is the color brown (for most people haha) because it is supposed to mimick soil (which is also largely worm poop/other animal poop/dead leaves) - I believe urine is yellow so people do not accidentally drink it thinking it is water... though as I have mentioned, there are people who drink their own urine which I find intriguing though I have no desire to do that (BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT 2022 WILL BRING?! LOL)

ANYWAY, SPEAKING OF A.D.H.D.. what I was going to say was....

So on Friday, I was in the park after such an incredible session with my therapist, where I finally felt like I was back in my body for the first time in my life, and bravely drove to a new area I had never been to (which is symbolic of the new neural pathways forming in my mind) and then I drove to the park, where I mentioned there were fake hikers...

I decided to call my mom via FaceTime to say hello and as I called her, I noticed a man dressed in an old timey jail uniform wearing a facemask and it was super surreal, because I didn't know if he was part of one of the movies they often film in the park (somehow the prisoner and hikers could have been in the most confusing anachronistic movie ever lol) - The prisoner looked me in the eye and he looked very unstable and walked away. When I called my mom, I told her that I wasn't sure if I just witnessed a movie actor in costume OR an unstable Los Angeles homeless person dressed as a prisoner OR an escaped prisoner.... (what a convenient time of history to escape jail and have your identity hidden by the socially accetable mask, right?)

I spoke to my mom on speakerphone because I still can't find my little headset connector but I didn't think it would be a problem because nobody was near me after the prisoner walked away....

All of a sudden, he came back and was standing very close to me and my mom could not see him in the frame behind me but she saw my eye contact shift and my eyes widen and she naively asked "OH, IS THAT THE PRISONER BEHIND YOU?" 

It was the unsafest thing she could do, to draw attention to an unstable person, and without thinking, I mouthed to her "Shut up.... Shut the fuck up" so she would take the hint to remember she was on speaker phone but she was clueless and said "Don't talk to me that way" (literally oblivious to what was happening behind me, as the man got closer)

....so I got up from the bench and literally sprinted to another part of the park near tennis courts.

I was so shaken up from the experience, both the man coming closer to me, and then my mother drawing attention to me and potentially making the prisoner feel like she was mocking him via the phone, which made me feel even more of a target, and I felt awful.

I felt so much Adrenaline pump through me...and I just sat and felt my fear and frustration and anger over the fact that I had just had such an amazing relaxing morning and NOW THIS! Why was this happening to me?

I decided to call my mom back, who was upset at my "disrespectful language" and I explained what had happened. I began crying and telling her how scary it was to be unsure if this man was unstable or an actor and the idea of him feeling potentially angry by my mom drawing attention to him... As I was crying, she said she understood now but I should "stop going to parks if they're so unsafe".... As she said this, she looked at me completely coldly and without any facial emotion and I realized something that is actually insanely important..... 

In that moment, I realized that my mom does not emote facial expressions no matter what is going on, good or bad, and I realized how unbelieveably confusing this was to me as a child.... and I was finally realizing it now for the first time that it has ALWAYS been that way, and so it made sense why I felt so emotionally alone all the time, and learned that I had to be hypervigilant at all times...

If I was crying or upset, my mother would look at me without any facial-mirroring or warmth.... and this is something I always took PERSONALLY.

This is a topic that nobody seems to talk about, and people just accept it as inevitable that people will mirror your facial responses during conversation, but this is not always the case.

I did research on the effects of a mother's facial mirroring on infant behavior and there is tons of information suggesting how important it is - THIS ARTICLE ESPECIALLY RESONATED WITH ME

There is a lot of scientific literature about the importance of parental facial mirroring on childhood development and I believe I was living proof that a lack of facial mirroring makes such a difference to a child feeling seen/protected...

I realized for the first time in this moment that the lack of expression my mother had to me was not an indication that I was "bad" or "too much" or "crazy" or "alone" but that it was something inside of her that made her keep her facial expression emotionanless and constant, like she was playing poker and did not want to let on which cards she had aka "poker face"

After my phone call with her, I sat in my car for about an hour and to get out my rage and fear over the weird prisoner experence, I began humming at different octaves, which is something that the marijuana told me to do to heal myself, and which I have learned is referred to as "Vocal Toning", where you hold a sustained note on your exhale for many seconds , and then move onto different notes per each out breath.

The act of vocal toning (holding sustained notes with each exhale) is something the marijuana began doing for my body in 2018 and it is incredibly healing and magical and I highly recommend trying it, even without any plant intervention!

These plants are just incredible tools! I really hope to live somewhere that I can legally grow a healing strain of marijuana to help other people with, the way it has helped me so much.

ANYWAY, I drove home and then went to sleep. In my dream, I was told that the whole reason the prisoner situation happened was for me to see this aspect of my mother and how her lack of facial expression is an indication of her OWN TRAUMA; how she learned as a child to dissociate in a way where you could not tell what she was thinking or feeling, as a way to survive; and that she was completely unaware of the effects this coping mechanism could have on me as a baby/child/young adult who did not understand that this was not "personal" to me and it didn't mean I was "too much" since I was absolutely moving my face/crying/emoting as a child....

My mother texted me in the morning and told me that she had a dream that there was a huge snake in her childhood dining room and that she never knew if it had bitten her or her brother or her sister; and we discussed this dream and she realized it was symbolic of the way she never felt safe growing up, and never knew when she was going to get "bitten" by the venom of her father or brother (aka my Uncle), who was extremely abusive to my mother. She told me that like me, she would chatter her teeth and shake when she was a child but she didn't realize that it had anything to do with processing trauma.

I mentioned to her that I noticed she has very little facial expression and she admitted this was true, and said she has "always been this way" - and I told her how I now realize that this was an unspoken issue that made me feel completely unseen by her...

As I type this all out, I realize now why I abruptly had to stop Facetiming "goodnight" to my mom 2 months ago; when she had the television on in the background and it upset me so much and I did not understand why. I now fully realize it re-traumatized me to the moments where I was a baby and she was looking away from me at a television or something else, not making me the top priority. I can't believe I am realizing this all now. 

I Thank God I realize this, as I really have gone through life thinking that everyone hates me/feeling people are secretly repulsed by me and not understanding WHY I have felt this illogical feeling; but now that I see the role of early maternal attachment theory, IT IS ALL MAKING SENSE....

At first I was like "Why God, why did the random incident with the jail man happen?" but now it makes sense. And how symbolic as I am getting out of my own mental prison because of his cameo role in my life.

Yesterday while on the phone with my mom, I made her do intense facial expressions just to see what it would look like and she laughed "Would you rather have a wrinkleless mother than an emotionally available mother?" or something else extremely funny..... I am so excited to see her in 2 weeks for the screenwriting contest she won. I told my mom she should take an improv class as it would force her to use her facial expressions and she said she actually really wanted to before the pandemic started.

How ironic that she would marry my dad, the most emotional faced person ever...

I understand my weird life so much more than ever before.