I can't believe how insane my life has been recently.

Out of the blue, on Monday morning, my best friend rabbit constant companion Goblin stopped eating and I called my vet and they couldn't take him until 24 hours later (yesterday at 9:30am) and  the Emergency vet had a 6 hour wait, so I took him to a rabbit groomer I knew who had rabbit vitamins. 

It was a 3 hour trip there and back, and I didn't think any of the vitamins helped. I spent all night awake and did remote energy healing on him with a friend in China and gave Goblin as much medicine as he could handle, but he was still very sick.

Yesterday morning a close friend of mine from school drove me to my real vet, and they said Goblin "had a 25% chance of survival" so they had me drive to an emergency vet 30 minutes away and it was there 6 hours later that Goblin died.

Goblin is dead. My best friend out of all my best friends is dead.

He has been my constant daily companion for 10 years.

I AM IN SUCH SHOCK. THIS HAPPENED OUT OF NOWHERE.

I literally did everything in my power to save him but it was no use, just like when my dad died. There are forces beyond logic that work in ways I will never understand, but have to trust is for the Highest Good in the long run, even if it is so sad to lose those you love.

Goblin has taught me what love is.

How insane he would die right as I have my upcoming trip with my mom this upcoming Saturday to Texas.

How insane he would die right as I am feeling ready to interact with humans and have intimacy in my life and connect with others, because I know I am allowed to express myself and why I have hidden.

How insane he would die right as I receive the message "Not all surprises are bad" (2 weeks ago)

How insane he would die right as I am ready to have a new chapter and finally leave the healing womb of my friend's house/Los Angeles?

How insane.....or how sane?

I believe Goblin came into my life to teach me to trust and feel love from a man without worrying he would hurt me or break my heart. 

I believe Goblin came into my life to force me to stop running from my problems, as he made it very difficult for me to travel. I absolutely would not have stayed in Los Angeles after 2018 if I had found dependable kind affordable people to watch Goblin.

I believe Goblin came into my life to teach me to ask others for help (even yesterday, asking my friend to take me to the vet is a perfect example). 

I believe Goblin was my stepping stone to connecting with George, as George loves Goblin so much.

When I first moved in with my friend in Beverly Hills, George was watching Goblin in his house because I was under the assumption I was only going to be here for 2 weeks before beginning to finally travel.

After 2 months, George asked me if he could take Goblin with him on his bike as George likes to go fishing at the ocean which is across town and sometimes sleeps on the beach for days. I did not want Goblin to be on a bike or sleep at the beach so I asked my friend if he could stay with me. Even though she had never had a pet, she said yes.

By me taking Goblin, it helped George move on so he could begin a new chapter of his life.

By me taking Goblin, it further cemented my time in Los Angeles, which made me anxious since as I have been saying for years at this point, I am ready to move.

I looked back at posts I wrote in 2012 saying that I wanted to move to the woods; and to be honest, had I done that before dealing with everything I have the past 4 years, I would have left society from a place of fear/avoidance of intimacy with other humans.

Goblin kept me in Los Angeles so I had to learn what I did, even when it felt monotonous to have the same existance here everyday essentially for the past 4 years.

When I lived in Brooklyn, I had a roommate who could watch Goblin, which is how I was able to be more active, but that was when I was completely living in constant anxiety, so travelling/making things wasn't even fun.

I honestly can't believe Goblin died last night; I woke up to his empty box today and now I have to drive back to the vet to pick up his body.

George said we can bury it under our mutual tree - but I am still deciding what to do.

I have had about 2 hours of sleep for the past 3 nights combined.

I need to just grieve my poor bunny now : (

Please pray for his soul.

I just spent $3,400 trying to save him in so many ways in the last 2 days.

If you enjoy this blog and/or want to donate to his medical expenses, which I was not expecting whatsoever, you can send any donation (no matter what size is appreciated) to me to Venmo at @Carlen-Altman

I was not expecting any of this :( 

Thank you for your thoughts and love.