BOO! Did you think I was gone? Too filled with rejection over none of my wonderful blog readers sending me $1 Venmo payment to help with the insane costs I incurred the last 2 weeks trying to save Goblin or wish condolences over him? NO! I forgive you all as none of you are (likely) people I know in real life and you don't owe me anything! 

 I was in rural Texas in a tiny house without my computer. I was honestly shocked that none of you sent anything but I am telling you, it was healing because I realize that nobody owes me anything and I do not owe anybody anything! This is true of this blog - and true of life. We must do things for the sake of doing them, and not for any expectation, especially when it comes to anything artistic, even writing a blog.

Just because I have been extremely vulnerable over the last 15 months on this blog - on a huge variety of topics - it is not like any of you owe me anything - and I have (most likely) never met any of you in real life anyway, as I intentionally do not advertise this blog to my close friends, because most of them are asleep to the things I have written about. I feel more comfortable having people FIND this blog and gravitate to it if they want to, though as I said, I will FINALLY be finishing my website soon and if you notice, I have since hidden all my previous blog posts, as I feel like it doesn't benefit me for all of that information to be public any longer. Perhaps I will make a book and you can buy it (and I will donate proceeds to the Goblin veterinary costs whether you like it or not)

This is a really big concept to me - making things for the sake of making them with NO expectations whatsoever. I believe that this is the natural way to be - and I believe that everyone has the inner desire to make things (whether art/inventions/houses/children etc) - We are all creators naturally, but we have been brainwashed to feel that our creations have to be "good" or "wanted" or "purchased" in order to be worthwhile, when in reality, there is no good or bad when it comes to making anything, and our entire society is completely backwards.

Up until yesterday, I was in a tiny cabin in an RV community in Central Texas for a week. Let me tell you, even though I am now back in Beverly Hills (LOL), I absolutely LOVED Texas. I did NOT like Austin (which is where I flew in, for my mom's screenwriting contest) - but I LOVED the areas outside Austin, even though I was trapped without a car/without accesss to Uber, because they don't pick people up from the part of Texas I went to (they only drop them off from Austin)

I had such an amazing time and felt so connected to my inner Spirit and did so much writing and drawing and it completely validated that my desire to move into a cabin is completely logical.

I am going to visit Arkansas and Florida and Mexico and Northern California to see if I want to build a cabin in any of these places before I commit to Texas but I am just so thankful to have gone to Texas. I sincerely disliked Austin, but that's because it felt like Los Angeles and Manhattan. I went to Austin 10 years ago for SXSW Festival for a really abusive film I was in, where I was bullied by the main character and at one point, filmed topless  while changing outfits without my knowledge and then the footage made it into the movie by the female filmmaker (because nudity is apparently the cheapest "special effect") - That entire movie process was horrible, but I now look back on it and everything makes sense considering how insecure I was at 21, and I was still glad I got to go to SXSW because of it.

I remember emailing that filmmaker to tell her how shocked I was to finally see the movie unknowingly learning that she used footage of me changing (which literally had nothing to do with the script , so it was clearly just dumb voyeuristic artsy garbage) - and she was somewhat apologetic, but that movie lives on in the internet, and it is just crazy because then when I used to Google my name, it would literally show a topless photo screenshot of me from that movie on a "nude celebrity website", but I emailed the website and asked them to take it down. 

I remember the main reason I was upset that I was filmed topless was the possibility that I would run for political office and that would be hanging over me! Now that we are all aware of how corrupt politicians are, I don't even think it would have mattered had that film scene existed, but at the time I was devastated that my reputation was "tainted." (even though nudity itself is beautiful, it is the perverse distortion/repression society uses that makes it "taboo")

It is so fascinating to me that cleavage is acceptable but a nipple is unacceptable, but it is because the nipple represents life, just like the vagina, and because our entire globe has been run by an antilife/anticreation/antiChrist agenda (if you will), they have villanized life in all forms and made it divorced from sex, but this is obviously a topic for another time....

Anyway, this was my last association with Austin before going back last week. Luckily, I am 13 years older than that first experience (WOW) and I would never let that happen, and it wad funny because I was there to support my mother who won a screenwriting contest, for a very pure and sincere script.

While I was there, I hung out with a friend of mine named Stephen who I met last year when I went to Houston for another of my mom's screenwriting contests and it was extremely healing because he came with me and my mom to the award ceremony and afterwards, we all sat outside in the sun and in his car, talking for hours. At one point I began crying and my mom just sat in the car, looking out the window, totally ignoring my emotional expression. My friend commented on it days later saying it is clear that my mom is uncomfortable with my emotions, and he was shocked that she did not even touch my arm or say anything consoling to me when I was crying. I NEEDED an external validator to see that I have grown up with such an emotionally unavailable mother and father for me to know it was not all in my head.

I have gone through life shaming myself for having big emotions and big needs and have spent the last 4 years and most of my money healing myself from the childhood toxicity I experienced, and the highlight of my trip to Austin was the many phonecalls with my friend Stephen over validating that it makes sense that I would want my mom to hug me or be present with me instead of "being visibly uncomfortable" when I cried, without doing anything to console me.

My mom flew back to NY last Thursday and I spent the remainder of my trip in rural Texas, 2 hours from Austin. There were so many beautiful lakes and trees and everyone was extremely nice, even at the bar I went to to try to call a cab (to get a ride to the supermarket) - the bar I went to was the only place in walking distance from my cabin and it was funny as I was the only woman surrounded by a dozen actual cowboys and farmers in their 30s-70s, all sitting together drinking with their beautiful blue eyes and sunburned skin and cowboy hats. It felt like an actual movie, but everyone was so very nice to me and in  sincere way. I did not want to admit to the bartender that I was from California, since Texans are repulsed by the mass exodus from Californian "libtards" who are moving to Texas. I sheepishly told her I was from California and said "it is harder to admit that than saying you have an STD" and she laughed and gave me a loaf of white bread and Skippy's peanut butter and Welch's grape jelly and a bag of Voodoo chips, since she knew I was hungry. I only ate the chips and then felt my blood sugar crash, but it was worth it for such a fun atypical experience, and when I go back to Texas, I will go to this bar.

That's all for now!