Failure like money are both illusions we all buy into as real and true but they are both fabricated and created by society to maintain a semblance of order, one that benefits a narrow opinion of "right", and equally is the one with the most money.

I think back to all the people I knew growing up, and who the "smart kids" were, and I am pretty sure they have all been totally indoctrinated and are not questioning the official narrative. This would make sense because "the smart kid" was defined as the "smart kid" by how obedient they could be and how well they could succesfully regurgitate what was told to them.

I now see that having brain fog due to childhood heavy metal poisoning and complex PTSD was a weird blessing in a way, as I was unable to memorize things well.

The discomfort of this was that I never felt like the "smart kid" because my grades were never good, not even in art, which was hard for my sense of confidence/worth as a self-identified 'imaginative/creative person'

There is a feeling I get where all the people questioning the official narrative of this pandemic are having a moment for the first time that "we are not crazy or stupid, society is" kind of feeling, but I think a lot of people are taking it very far when they call people who are indoctrinated "stupid sheep" and make fun of them for blindly following authority.

It is like a "revenge of the nerds" situation where the outcasts are finally rising up, but so many of us nerds/weirdos have so much pain from rejection that many of us are doing a revenge bullying where we are perceiving the "popular kids" as "dumb" and almost hoping that the jab harms them while we "float away into the 5th dimension" (as many spiritual teachers claim)

I personally no longer believe that we are "leaving the 3rd dimension" if we stay spiritual/avoid "the jab"/etc. I think that is actually a really simplistic coping mechanism to deal with our pain over not being able to convince people to question things... "Oh well, the timeline will split and we will go to the 5D and those sheeple will stay on the 3D"

What does this even mean?

I genuinely do believe that sterilization is occuring and likely there will be health issues in a few years due to the decisions made this year, for those with sensitive bodies - but I do not believe there will be a magical curtain that pulls away the 3rd dimension to reveal the 5th.

I just finished breathwork with my therapist and I realize that I have truly been prioritizing whether everyone likes me over whether I like me. This was very much validated by spending a week with my mother, where I completely ignored my needs as soon as I saw my mom was disappointed in me having them. I felt like a perpetual "spoiled brat" anytime I made requests (ie to go to restaurants that I could eat something healthy at) - I learned finally in true color that I was never welcomed or encouraged to have my own needs or see the world differently, but that is because my mother probably received that same shame where her unique vision was suppressed.

My mother has never made money using her creativity and I haven't either. We have treated it as hobbies or been very much underpaid for our work.

This (for me) is because I haven't taken myself seriously, because school taught me that I was "not the smart kid"

I learned on this trip that I AM THE SMART KID. I have single handedly figured out how to cure my anxiety/OCD/herpes/brain fog/make money/keep a roof over my head/go to prestigous schools/win awards/look youthful/be kind and helpful to others/become friends with all sorts of people/gone on all kinds of weird adventures/and I am just getting started.

It is not selfish or bad or smug of me to believe in myself and to believe in what I am capable of.

I think that if someone rejects me, it should not be an indication that I should "give up" or that I need to "abandon my vision" to placate others; as I have done with every creative project I have taken on, when working with other people.

What was so healing about my trip to Austin was my new friendship with my friend Stephen, who is also a filmmaker and also a pure person and someone who did get the jab but of course I can still be friends with him because I am not so blinded to my ideology that I would miss out on connecting with others out of my fear of viral shedding/etc.

I am so happy to meet another filmmaker who is kind and it is just so healing to have a creative friend who can also have serious conversations.

I really do believe that the more we embody our full selves, the more we will meet others who do the same.

That's all for now.