I figured out something so helpful just now. I spent the last few years so angry at myself that I could not be "productive" like most people but I just realized that my body was protecting me from stress. Because I had not addressed my childhood trauma and root toxicity (childhood vaccine injury/Gardasil injury), my body could handle very little stimulation - good or bad. This is why I avoided stimulation in all forms and lived as monastic of a life as I could despite being in New York City (and now Los Angeles)

My body was overwhelmed easily so as a protective mechanism, I did not fully commit to any of my very big dreams, because I deep down knew I could not handle the stress associated with either success or failure. I could not handle the experience of envy, criticism or even attention from fans who I did not want to engage with, so I intentionally just hid and hid and hid.

Now today I realize for the first time that I was actually acting in my own self-preservation because my experience of a "normal day" felt like a battle in itself, with my constant worry, OCD, fear of being disliked, fear of being harassed on the street, fear of all sorts of things...

Being in my body and brain felt like a war even when I was alone in my room, so it makes sense why I would have intentionally avoided any big experiences.

I am so thankful to finally recognize all of my hermetic lifestyle choices were a form of self-preservation and not because I was "lazy" or "hiding my gifts"

I know there has been an element of fear of rejection - but I am telling you that I am finally healing the belief that everyone has to like me - or that I am "bad/selfish" if people do not like me. More importantly, my survival/safety is no longer dependent on if everyone likes me. 

I truly feel like Earth is a Heavenly planet that has been hijacked by demonic forces that have infiltrated humanity in such a way where we have to overcome all of the physical toxicity since birth, emotional trauma of schooling/toxic parental modeling (due to their own trauma), false construct of poverty as a driver of conforming to societal norms instead of following one's dreams, and the constant hammering home of 'inadequacy' and 'low self esteem' that we are told we should feel if we do not conform to the American Dream.

Living in Beverly Hills is so very funny to me because I can tell you that the people who live here seem miserable and paranoid and have safe rooms. They are no happier than anyone else.

What DOES make me happy is being in the energy vortex park in Beverly Hills, where there is literally NO cellphone reception whatsoever.

The way to get through this time period is to spend as much time in nature as possible and dance and remember that you have nothing to 'prove' - you will naturally want to make things and help people when you are feeling into your heart and connecting with God.

We came to this planet to create, not to consume but we were fed lies.

I highly recommend an amazing children's book called LIKING MYSELF by Pat Palmer, which I just discovered last night at my friend's house which she bought for her kids, and which came to me at just the right time. All of the most important messages are simple, and I highly recommend this book to anyone as it has helped me heal the misbeliefs that I need to be liked by everyone or that I need to like everyone!!!!! You can dislike people without making them "bad" and people can dislike you without you being "bad"

How freeing!