Guess what? I am finally healed. I mean this for the first time in my 37 years on Earth. I am actually healed inside and out. I feel happy and healthy and can focus and am looking outward. I am not jealous of anyone because I know I can have anything I desire and I know that everyone can have everything they want.
Part of my health is actually feeling ALL my feelings including anger and sadness. I can't explain how excited I was to feel a little heartbroken that George is now dating our nextdoor neighbor. I realize that he is actually the first man I have ever loved (human man - I loved many male pets, platonically), and it is just so weird that even feeling heartbreak feels amazing, because I am actually FEELING!!!!!
I just gently told George via text that I had to unfriend him on Facebook so I didn't see constant imagery of them together at his "new house in the desert" since it hurt my heart too much to see that and just feels so weird how quickly she took my role and how eerily similar she has become to me physically (always wearing hats like I do/etc - surely a coincidence, but just eerie!!!),.... I told him via text that I wish them the best (even though he told me 2 days ago that "It's not serious and that I will always be the best girl" but now his words don't match his actions to me anymore and that's ok because I moved out/have not been intimate with him since 2018 AND GUESS WHAT? I GENUINELY AM GLAD HE MOVED ON (EVEN THOUGH IT IS STILL UPSETTING AT THE MOMENT) AND I DON'T NEED HIM OR ANYONE TO TELL ME I AM THE "BEST GIRL" TO FEEL THAT WAY. I CAN FEEL LIKE THE "BEST GIRL" ON MY OWN NOW! :)
(but we are ALL the "best girl" and "best boys" - there is no competition or top prize in life!!!! We are ALL SPECIAL. It is up to us to make ourselves KNOW THIS)
I will always be so grateful for George's friendship and encouragement; he really does feel like my highschool love (in my very arrested delayed development kind of way.)
While I was on Prozac (age 20-31), my heart would not open and it is finally opening now for the first time. And because of that, I am also feeling heartache in a real way too.
When I would tell people "I love you", I actually only meant it from the head because I had no connection with my heart. Now that my heart is open, it is completely different and completely more intense and I really feel like I am joining the human race again for the first time.
I am so happy to feel sane finally for the first time in my life, and I credit this to my connection with plants and God/The Universe, which all helped me detoxify from the societal prescription of perpetual fear and a victim mentality. I credit it to my consistent will to heal and I also credit it to taking a financial risk on my health.
I would have never been able to afford to go to any of the holistic doctors who have helped me if it was not for the fact that I sold my dad's house.
This is exactly why I feel it is my duty to help people with what I have learned, who cannot afford to take financial risks like I have these last few years.
Luckily, all the things I did for my health were not INSANELY expensive (nothing over $500) but even being able to find them would be a guessing-game for most people, and most people don't have that kind of time or money....
How IRONIC that my dad had to die at the hands of the chemotherapy/pharmaceutical industry for me to use my inheritance to heal myself so I can help other people avoid the fate he did?
How IRONIC that both he and I chased fame because we thought it would give us a platform to save the world when the truth is THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GIVEN PLATFORMS ARE SO TIGHTLY CONTROLLED TO PERPETUATE THE OLD PARADIGM?
My dad was in a comedy sketch group with George Carlin and Richard Pryor and George Carlin called my dad "his teacher". Unlike George Carlin and Richard Pryor, my dad could NOT PLAY THE GAME AND I COULDN'T EITHER!!!!! But guess what? I freed my soul and to me this is greater than any Netflix special!!!
I feel so excited and alive to understand myself and how carefully orchestrated and dumbed down society is for the first time in such a clear way.
How IRONIC that I am feeling sane for the first time during one of the most insane times (and where I would likely be labeled "insane" for the way I see the world?)
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Last night I went to the top of a mountain overlooking all of Los Angeles and as I was walking up, all of a sudden I heard my dad speak to me in the wind and tell me he was so proud of me and so surprised with everything I had learned. I stopped in my tracks and started crying. It was literally the first time I felt like he really SAW ME and it was the first time in my heart that I finally forgave him.
I know he suffered so much trauma as a child and he NEVER learned the tools like I am learning to handle it. He never learned how to control his temper and he was always in an emotional flashback/the "fight" response of PTSD. He never understood why society seemed so insane and he lost all hope by the 1980's that he could use his comedy to change the world.
My dad and I are SO similar. This review could be for me (minus the stockbroker part) - DO YOU SEE???? WE BOTH TRIED SO HARD; AND NOW I AM CARRYING THE TORCH OF TRUTH!
