I was on the phone with my friend Stephen 2 days ago who has come into my life like an angel and I discovered a very strange truth: 

There has been a part of me that never wanted to succeed because I did not want to give my mom the satisfaction. I wanted to get back at her by being broken because of all the anger I felt at her for never protecting me from traumatic people and experiences.

I never wanted my mom to see me fully functioning or in a romantic relationship because somehow I believed that if I stayed dependent on her or sick or crazy, I would be getting back at her for all the times she did not protect me from trauma.

I just spoke to my ex boyfriend on the phone, who is now breaking up with his girlfriend of 6 years, and I told him what I discovered and he said that he thinks that it makes sense; he remembered that when I graduated college, I moved back in with my mom, and he felt like we always had a very unique relationship where it seemed like I was wanting my mom to take care of me.

On this trip to Texas, I learned that my mother is never going to rescue me and that I am not getting back at her by being weak/not living fully; I am only hurting myself.

I do not need to sacrifice myself any longer due to the repressed anger I am finally letting out.

Also, the energy is much better today. I am making a 10 minute social media maximum break.

I have too much real life stuff to do now and I am ready.

I also really want to move somewhere that I can have pet crows.