My mother texted me to let me know she is thinking of me and loves me and I said I love her back and she said "I am so glad you still love me"

How sad is that for her to go through life believing love is conditional - or that if I have emotions that I don't love her anymore.

No wonder she shamed my emotions and her own emotions. 

It is so eye opening.

I can't believe how much more mature I am than her but I truly credit it to my dedication to healing, my financial resources after my father's death, and my connection to God and my own soul, who have been co-creating my timeline of finding answers so I can help myself and this planet ascend despite the Darkness's attempts.

I have so much love for my mother and I just feel so sad for her that her life is so plagued with a feeling of conditional love. It is just so sad she is 68 years old and so developmentally stunted that her inner child is running the show - just like my father's.

I am so grateful to be my little Carlen's mother. I am such a good mother to her as best as I can be ; just like I was to sweet Goblin.

Goblin told me on the day he died "Now it's time for you to share your love with other humans" and I know he meant myself included.

I am finally giving myself the love that I gave to him for the past 11 years, which is a long span of time in my awakening.

It also coincides with the amount of time I did not travel or make films. I just focused inwardly and I credit him to keeping me stationed in one place, as I could never find a caretaker who would protect him the way I would.

This is the opposite of my parents - who would leave me in unsafe situations.

I would never do this to Goblin and now I would never do this to baby Carlen, young Carlen, teenage Carlen, adult Carlen - ever.

Yesterday I was running in the park thinking about the fact that I feel healthier than I have in my entire life. Thinking about having asthma in elementary school and being given an award "Most improved athlete" in gym class, alongside a boy in a wheelchair. I felt so insecure because of my asthma and my brain fog (which I now see as being directly connected to Complex PTSD and the Yoplait vanilla or strawberry yogurt/Snackwells cookies I was given for lunch everyday)

There was never anything wrong with me. I was just fed toxins to my mind and mouth!!!!

I am so excited to breathe in God the rest of my life and know He is my Father and the Earth is my true Mother. FOREVER.

My parents were beautiful human vessels who I apparently made soul contracts with; which is just so beautiful.

In my 2nd ayuhuasca ceremony I was shown that everyone I know is actually a part of me and this is all an illusion. I don't know what is true but it does feel like my mother is a part of me and I am so grateful I never killed myself, which is what I dreamed of as the only solution to my anxiety and pain for so many years.

Sadly, my childhood best friend Gabriel did take his own life; and I honestly understand why. His father was extremely abusive and condescending to me and Gabriel; and his father dated my mother. We went to Costa Rica every summer and that is where I developed OCD at age 9, after almost drowning twice and then the father hitting my head on the bottom of the pool while attempting to teach me to dive.

He had no apologies or remorse and it was at that moment that I completely dissassociated from my pain and anxiety and converted it all into obsessions and compulsions, and was then left at my dad's house for 2 weeks when we got back from Costa Rica. My dad yelled at me anytime I woke him up when I couldn't sleep and it amplified my dissociation further where I became deeply afraid of the music of the videogame MarioPaint instead of admitting I was so afraid of my mother and father.

A 9 year old couldn't handle all that. My mother put me in therapy with a therapist who would fall asleep during sessions and did nothing to help me for the next 8 years.

I have come such a long way and I love myself so much, for the first time. It is safe to love myself and take care of myself and God is with me always. And I am an adult and with myself always as well.

Nobody will treat me as emotionally negligent as my parents treated me.