I woke up around 3am feeling completely calm and realizing that I was not worried about anything and that I was still safe. I had very subtle emotional flashbacks of being a baby and my father yelling and me clenching and tightening my heart as a way to protect myself (Dr Peter Levine would call this "retracting" until this becomes chronic) ; as if his yelling would hit my heart like bullets if I stayed calm. I tensed my body at the first sign of conflict my entire life and last night I realized that I was completely safe in my bed and did not need to clench my body anymore - that whether I clenched my body or not, I was equally safe. Like my Inner Voice used the comparison of the bowling alley, where when I would roll the bowling ball and I saw the ball was close to rolling into the gutter, I contorted my body as if it was going to change the direction of the ball, when all it did was leave me with a tense body and more disappointment when the ball actually did go into the gutter.
I learned the magical thinking that if I had pain in my body or clenched my body/heart, I would be protected from the pain of my father's temper. This magical thinking took on many forms, such as counting my steps, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, wearing 'contaminated' clothing when I saw my dad/uncle/therapist (as if I was 'protected' by wearing 'contaminated' clothing from their words), regular shortness of breath (to take me out of my emotions), assuming that men with dark hair were violent/evil like my dad/uncle but blond men were safe/charming/kind. Assuming British men were safe/charming but American men were evil/brutish/rapists. I made very large generalizations to keep myself safe, kind of how a racist person from a small town may go through an inner city, making illogical generalizations that seem logical to them at the time.
I learned to fear all old men, as if they were all unsmiling angry monsters who would yell at me or my mother; if an old man looked at me but wasn't smiling, I felt total panic as if they were going to harm me - as all I witnessed was both my grandfathers yelling at my grandmothers, or mother or father.
Even now, if I seen an old man who is taller than me and isn't smiling, I dread him.
This is why it was so powerful that I stood up to my chiropractor when he told me that my dream of doing public speaking about the role of environmental toxicity in mental health was "an oversaturated market" - I spoke to another doctor at the office and he confirmed with me that the doctor who told me that is a total narcissist and I needed the experience of standing up to a rich old white tall man and seeing that I could survive.
You need an empathic present person + tools in order to feel a sense of safety to move past your addictions/trauma, according to Peter Levine.
"Until we find peace within ourselves, we will be unable to find peace with others"
I absolutely did not have an empathic present person around me growing up - my parents were both so checked out and mired in their own anxiety, they could not be present with me.
I did not have ANY tools so OCD became my magical tool of control.
How many Adverse Childhood Experiences did I have?
At least 9.
Counting pulled me out of the intensity of my feelings, which felt too unbareable to feel alone. They felt too overwhelming to feel alone. They felt too shameful to feel alone, as if feeling them would lead to my parents rejecting and emotionally abandoning me even more.
We all learn ways to disconnect but they never work out, they are always maladaptive.
Lifting your hands up and feeling your uncomfortable feelings is one way to finally feel it.
"I will never let you make me feel so small again"
Children who act out - either violently, or as "worry warts" are responding to Adverse Childhood Experiences. I am sure that all the children who bullied me were products of emotional or physical abuse, that they had to learn to make other people feel small because they felt so small.
I believe because nobody attended to my emotional needs, I gave off the aura as if I was 'small' and unworthy, which attracted bullies to me. I did not stand up for myself so I gave them a free pass to get out their rage, without any seeming repercussions to them.
Equally, all the teachers and relatives I had who bullied me or traumatized me were products of childhoods where they were traumatized and they had to pass the poison onto others.
My mother was a product of trauma and learned she was helpless and frozen - and so her seeming lack of empathy/presence with me was her own clouded reality from her own trauma - and had nothing to do with my deservingness of help.
Because I was never saved by my parents from abuse, I felt like I never deserved to be saved. No matter how many people I pleased or complimented or how big my smile was or how kind I was to my bullies or how well I did in school or how many things I accomplished, still, nobody rescued me and told me that they were going to protect me.
And I know now with the death of my father that he and my mother will never save me.
And I know it makes sense I am grieving this clarity - and I know it is a necessary step for me saving myself.
When I first heard the expression "God helps those who help themselves" I was an Atheist and I made fun of this expression because I thought it was religions' way of 'taking credit' for people's achievements without actually doing anything to help them... Like "Oh, you build a house? Actually God did that for you" - but now that I have connected with God with the help of prayer and plant medicine (which helped me turn off my anxiety enough to feel God's love and unconditional presence) , I truly believe that God meets you where you are at - and will help you achieve what it is you want to achieve.
For me, I have been praying for inner peace and healing - and I know that part of that comes with facing uncomfortable truths that I was too scared or ashamed to deal with.
I see now how universal and pervasive trauma is - and how schools, lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists are not taught about this - and how entertainment manipulates the subconscious mind to take on certain traumatic beliefs..... Is our planet run by a NAA (NegativeAlienAgenda) or is it just human folly that everything is set up to keep us traumatized and addicted, at the expense of our life fulfillment/satisfaction and the expense of the Earth and her precious animals and resources?
I honestly don't know but I realize I need to start with myself, either way. Too much theorizing about "why" things are the way they are pulls me further out of my own pain and what is in front of me - similarly to how I tried from age 10-31 to save the environment from climate change and deforestation, which pulled me out of dealing with my own internal environment of pain.
It's funny how the term 'gaslighting' uses the concept of 'gas' and how toxic both gas lighting is and how toxic fossil fuel lighting is..... Obviously I know LED lights and solar power are not the sol-utions - but candlelight seems to be where it's at. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if electricity was a step in the wrong direction, in my opinion - but that's a topic for another time - and in the meantime, I am very grateful to be in this chapter of electrification, even if it comes with maladaptive EMFs and according to Arthur Firstenberg, was the catalyst to every chronic health condition, starting with the 1918 Spanish Flu ....
(OKAY, back to the present moment instead of macro-world theorizing....)
Standing up to my chiropractors is one of the greatest experiences of my life, as if I was standing up to all the old scary white men who have intimidated me and my ancestors.
It is such an incredible realization to learn that pain lives in
the body until you let it out. And that pain is trapped emotion - and that emotion is energy in motion. And when energy is trapped in the body (and not given "motion" to leave), it manifests as anxiety/depression/physical disease.
The pain is waiting for us to finally deal with it - but is equally patient, and does not mind if it is transformed into total avoidance via various addictions/numbings which society has perfectly accessible for us at all times if we choose the avoidance route.
For me, I realize that my addictions were a) numbind myself with food b) looking at the UrbanOutfitters HomeGoods section c) Pinterest d) fantasizing about owning a Chanel bag e) fantasizing about what it would be like to reconnect with my childhood crush and marry him f) constantly reading self-help books as if I was "broken"
Once I finally had money of my own, I decorated my first apartment with all UrbanOutfitters HOME goods and I can tell you, it did not make me happy. I finally got my dream velvet Chanel bag and it did not make me happy. I finally had a picnic with my childhood crush 2 years ago, and he confessed to me that he had become a heroin addict for many years, but was now obsessed with junk food instead (and has a popular Instagram where he photographs horrendously processed delicious colorful junkfood, like a fried chicken sandwich on a rainbow donut with sparklers coming out of it)
Yesterday I actually text messaged him because I still care deeply about him and it was so eye opening to learned that even he - a perfect blond boy from private school education and still-married parents succumbed to heroin addiction ; It totally threw a wrench in my generalized magical thinking that "all blond people have perfect lives like we see on TV"
I actively pursued friendships with people with blond hair when I was growing up because I genuinely and delusionally thought that they were somehow "different" than me; like they never had diarrhea or problems or illogical coping mechanisms or temper tantrums.
As a young child, I made all kinds of dualistic generalizations that "blond people were safe and clean" and "brown haired people like me were unsafe and dirty and crazy" - I did this because I was so desperate to get away from myself because I thought there was something so wrong with me, since my parents never seemed to understand me, and my OCD (developed at age 9) seemed to be "random" to them.
I now look back and see just how logical it was for my 9 year old brain to develop OCD after 9 years on this Earth of feeling so unprotected, so unattended to, so ignored when I was crying, fed all processed foods, bullied, witnessed my dad bully my mom, had nobody make eye contact with me, had my dad yell at me with no explanation, had drug dealers in our building lobby, got stuck in the elevator with the old elevator man and felt like I was going to be there forever and developed a fear of elevators, was physically beat up by a boy named Ryan in elementary school, was bullied by 2 black girls named Natasha and Tawana who only became nice to me when I became "bad" and starting scratching lines on the school desk like they were; they bullied me for eating creamed spinach out of a Flinstone's container instead of the Jamaican beef patties that everyone else was eating. At age 9, my mom took us to Costa Rica with her then-boyfriend David and his son Gabriel (Gabriel has since killed himself and David died last year).
As I have mentioned many times before, David was extremely condescending to both me and Gabriel and shamed us for not knowing the answers to the NY Times Crosswords and told me I was stupid many times. My mom did nothing to stand up for me - and that summer, she let me go on a boat with a strange man from the hotel where I almost drowned in the ocean and got stung by jellyfish. She then let me go swimming in the ocean where a huge wave pulled me under and I washed ashore coughing while she was sunbathing , far in the distance, not paying attention. She then took us to a hotel where the maid stole my favorite pair of shorts (by a designer named Bill Blass, that we got very cheaply from a store called Marshall's or TJ Maxx, I forget which one, but they were about $10 but they meant so much to me) - when I told my mom the shorts were missing and I noticed the maid wearing them, she told the hotel owner and the maid was fired and I got my shorts back but then I felt absolutely terrible that this woman no longer had a job over a pair of shorts (though it was pretty ballsy of her to wear my shorts in our room while she was cleaning it) - That same week, David offered to teach me how to "do sommersaults" and "dive" and hit my head on the bottom of the pool and did not apologize at all.
It was that moment where my soul completely dissociated from my body and I developed what is now known as OCD, where I began compulsively doing sommersaults over and over, trying to distract myself from the pain of feeling such terror and abandonment (and possibly a slight concussion) by limiting my Oxygen by staying underwater.
When I recounted this summer to my friend who I am living with 3 months ago, she was so shocked and horrified that my mother let me go through all of that and then wondered "why" I developed "random" OCD, as if it "must be genetic"
My mother took me to our childhood doctor and he asked us if "there was anyone else who was mentally ill in our family" - he said this in front of me, as if it was a given that I was the "anyone else" destined for mental illness, now that it had "surfaced". It was so scary and demoralizing and nobody once asked me WHY I felt the way I did. I was just made to feel like I had this mental illness just pop up out of the woodwork like a termite infestation that had no solution but talk-therapy and medication.
I feel so angry at my mother for making it seem like it was "my fault" for "being crazy" and especially that she sent me to a therapist who literally fell asleep while I was talking, and was absolutely terrible. This therapist came after my first therapist at age 4 (when my parents divorced) who accused me of stealing a puzzle piece, when I absolutely did not. Then I had a traumatizing Kindergarten teacher who would yell at me for being "stupid" because I did not know how to use scissors; then my 2nd grade teacher called me a "worry wart" all the time and made fun of me for being nervous as if it was something I could control and was a bad thing; then my 5th grade teacher made me spit out carrots in front of the entire class because I was so hungry one day I had a few baby carrots. For her to make me spit out carrots in front of the entire laughing class was so dehumanizing and honestly so idiotic of her, considering children have blood sugar needs and are not robots who only get hungry at 8am, Noon, and 7pm like the schedule is set up for.
4th grade was literally the only grade of my entire life where I had a wonderful teacher and a wonderful class, which included my childhood crush - which is partially why I had such a crush on him, because I associated him with the only happy time of my life up until my trip to Bali.
In 4th grade, I took a judo class with my crush and got into physical fights with a short French boy named Seth, and when I went to daycamp at age 6, a boy stole my hairbrush and when I told my dad, he went up to this boy and said "If you ever bother my daughter again, I will throw you and your parents off a building" - I cannot believe he said this to a 6 year old boy - it sounds like a "funny scene from a Mafia movie" but it was just so unbelievably insane he would do this, and I ended up feeling bad for the boy and I think I even apologized to him for my dad's behavior.
In 6th grade, I was bullied by a black boy named Curtis Bailey who also had a crush on me, and who a girl named Fatima had a crush on, so she was even meaner to me. Then another black boy named Eric stole my whiteout pen (will WhiteOut be #cancelled next?) and we got into a physical fight.
A boy named Matt told me I was weird for talking to the honeybees that would come to our elementary school garden; the bees and ants felt like my only friends - everyone in the school just felt like a toxic sea of violence.
I remember in gym class, I had terrible asthma and could not keep up with any of the girls in running and I was awared "Most improved athlete" alongside a boy in a wheelchair; which, though 'flattering' was equally so humiliating and made me feel as if the world saw me as incapable of running/like I had something wrong with me.
To go through life feeling like the world is unsafe, nobody is protecting you, you are crazy, and physically handicapped is a tough combination and that is how I lived my entire life up until I began resurrecting myself in 2015, which has luckily snowballed from here.
Living with my friend has been the first time that I feel actually safe in a house, as if nobody is going to break in, knowing her parents live across the street, and she has security alarms outside the house; it is the first time where I feel like I am not a burden for having needs;
I am 37 years old and this is the first time I feel safe in my body and safe in my environment; which is ironic considering that for most people on this planet, this may be the first time they feel 'unsafe' due to the pandemic/everything going on.
It really just shows that safety is a state of mind - and that we are all equally safe and unsafe at all times, depending on our perspective.
I now realize the magical thinking of "worrying makes me safe" or "closing my heart makes me safe" is no longer working for me to live optimally.
I just honestly am so repulsed by my family for not even beginning to explore the inner work and try to heal themselves the way I have done.
I KNOW that self-inquiry requires a) dedication b) time c) money and that most people do not want to combine those forces and investments into something that feels unnecessary for survival.
I know I had to go into the Dark Night of the Soul but it has just been so rough to feel my whole life like there was something wrong with me and I was broken when in reality, I was functioning logically to a traumatic and toxic environment and series of events.
I HAD to dissociate in order for me to cope instead of 'going crazy' (which was my fear from age 11-25; after I heard that schizophrenia shows up at age 25 for most people)
I am so enraged at how I was treated as if there was something wrong with ME and nobody took any responsibility for their potential roles in my sickness.
My parents are extremely funny extremely traumatized people who consume themselves with television, gossip and animals. Neither of them had intimate longterm relationships - except my mom, who dated a shoe salesman/real estate owner who told me extremely sexually lude jokes when I was 24 and then asked my mom out - and they went out the last 11 years.
How horrible was that to feel like the ONE person my mom had a relationship with was someone who was sexually attracted to me; not to mention, his elderly father - who I became friends with as he was one of the only English speakers in Brighton Beach - asked me to be his prostitute and when I told my mom, she said "Oh, old people become senile and say inappropriate things" - she did not tell her boyfriend or anyone to make me feel protected. It was as if I was 'making a big deal of it'
This is exactly what my mother faced when she was sexually abused by her neighbor and blacked out, and had her pelvis cracked in half, and told my grandmother, who said "It wasn't a big deal"
I tried to tell my mother that her concerns were valid and she deserved to be protected and that it 'was a big deal' - and so horrific to imagine a child's pelvis being broken due to sexual abuse - that is just so absolutely horrific that my mother went through that :( - and so for my mom to just continue the cycle of dismissing my concerns is just so tragic, and it just goes to show how the cycle of abuse continues until someone out there (me) decides to break the intergenerational curses and say IT STOPS WITH ME.
When I told my mother how I was healing my trauma, she said "Oh, you really did not have anywhere as much trauma as I did" - which was just so telling of how unhelpful she is - and how uncompassionate she is - and how immature she is - and better yet, how TRAUMATIZED SHE IS. She is so emotionally immature she cannot be there for me emotionally because she is developmentally stunted at the age where her trauma happened. People literally get their brains stuck in an arrested development if they experienced trauma and I know that this must have happened for both my mother and my father.
I became their emotional caretaker and I attended my moods/needs to make sure that THEY felt comfortable - if I were to have needs/emotions, they would yell at me (my dad) or ignore me (my mom) - if I had needs, my mom acted like I was an absolute monster and gave me a complete look of disgust before ignoring me for hours/days....
Now if I were to tell her this, she would completely deny it - and say I am a monster for feeling this way - but that is exactly the definition of "gaslighting" : "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment."
I KNOW my parents had absolutely traumatic lonely childhoods but even though I "KNOW" this and have compassion for them, I am finally grieving the fact that I will never have parents who can take care of me - and never did take care of me the way I needed.
Addicts identify with their adaptation instead of themselves...
Yesterday I watched an incredible documentary The Wisdom of Trauma
I am also learning that when someone gives birth via Cesarian, the child experiences a lot of birth trauma and they do not receive Oxytocin/other Opioid-like chemicals - and neither does the mother - and that this can make children more likely to be Opiod-addicts, to get what they never got.
I would never have a Cesarian birth unless I knew for complete sure that it was necessary - and I made sure that I could mitigate the negative experience as much as possible.
It is incredible to remember that my ancestors and God are with me at all times - and quite possibly, Goblin is with me too! I would not believe such things if I did not have experience with this during my ayuhuasca ceremony when my grandparents spoke to me clearly, and I could tell who was talking and when.
My body has been extremely numb my whole life - and this has contributed to me having very little interest in romantic relationships. What just dawned on me was that this was for my protection - as I know that if I had a partner or a child, I would never have had the time or focus to heal what I am healing now.
I would not have realized my people-pleasing tendencies and would have just escaped into helping others and having this unresolved pain and trauma inside of me, which would have likely been passed down to my child, who would have been oblivious to understanding logically why their mommy was so scared all the time.
My body got turned off for good reason - and I know that it is a blessing more than a curse that I have been forced to ignore the lower half of my body so much - not to mention the possibility that I am carrying my mother's unhealed trauma due to her horrific sexual abuse which was never addressed.
When I think about the time when I was 22, and a comedian I was dating bit my nipple and it bled and then I had actual surgery where I had to go under anasthezia and have a permanent scar on my left nipple - I imagine that this was a perfect summary of why I basically turned off my libido so as to protect myself.
**
When you take away the need to be right or to prove your beliefs or experiences as valid or right, your whole world changes.
This is the opposite messaging we received in school; that there is "one right answer" and it is given to you for you to regurgitate back on a test exam paper without questioning it whatsoever. Your grades give you a sense of achievement or failure; and those grades are based on how many "right answers" you got.
This makes an adult more likely to shame anyone who disagrees with their worldview, as it would take away their sense of internal achievement (worth) if they were to now have to question their beliefs (which are usually based on how well they can regurgitate what was told to them by the newscaster authorities/NY Times journalist authorities instead of their educational system teacher authorities of their childhood)
I AM A GENIUS BECAUSE I AM ALLOWING GOD TO FLOW THROUGH ME AND WORKING WITH GOD TO SHARE THESE TRUTHS - WHICH ARE TRUE TO *ME* AND THAT MAKES THEM TRUE ENOUGH FOR ME TO SHARE WITHOUT REASON TO SELF-RESTRAINT OR SELF-SUPPRESS.
Many people can share what is true for them and nobody is wrong; as long as you do not try to make other people go along with what you believe is true.
I now believe that many people are living in absolutely different realities during this pandemic (due to their trauma/karma) - because so many people are seeing the same set of facts so absolutely differently and you cannot convince anyone of your views no matter how much logic you feel you may have to offer to corroborate your beliefs/skepticism/"pseudoscientific" antidotes such as Zinc/etc....
Yesterday I sent the trauma documentary to my chikdhood crush and to my mother and aunt and none of them watched it to my knowledge; and all of them got the injection.
It shows that you can present people things that help them but it is up to them to make a decision to what is "best" for them and this might have to do with things you have no idea about such as spiritual curriculum and karma.
This is why people seem to be defying logic.
All the people I know who are questioning things are equally people very fascinated with self-inquiry/facing their shadows.
It takes someone who can see their own inner shadows to be able to question the outer authority's shadows/sinister/service-to-self intentions such as profit/enslavment. You cannot force people to look at their own inner "demons" and the external "demons" that run politics/Hollywood/government/the Food Pyramid/etc.....
People have to be ready and interested to see both - or if not, they will be more willing to relinquish control and keep following the abusive authorities set out for them to follow, no matter how painful and unfulfilling it may be...
If I relax, will someone startle me? Do I have to be worried at all times?
No.
I am tring out a new way of trust with God and self protection.
I tried to convince emotionally unavailable people to love me and my emotions even though I knew deep down they couldn't.
I pursued emotionally unavialble friendships and romantic partners hoping that they could fully see me and my full emotions and love me for them and they couldn't. They ALL abandoned me when I showed my 'full colors' of emotions.
At the same time, I was repulsed by people who were emotionally available, which I took as 'neediness' and anyone who DID want to spend time with me, I felt repulsed because I felt like if I were to have a friendshpi or partnership with them, I would now be responsible for not only my feelimgs but also theirs.
This was the dybamic I had with my parents EXACTLY; they couldn't handle my emotions yet somehow I was the emotional caretaker for their emotions, which made me never able to deal with my own emotions, and under the impression that my emotions were not worthy of acknowledgement.
My Uncle is a disgusting man who would yell at me for playing with the cat under the dining room table and yell without any rhyme or reason, and he would burp at dinner after drinking a full glass of Pepsi or RC Cola, and yell "Carlen, why'd you do that?" as if it was funny. This was a man in his late 30s/40s/50s/60s doing this - while also yelling at me for no reason and being just so unbearably hideous to look at, with his gaunt face and perpetual yellow plaque between his front teeth in such a way that it looked like they were glued together. My mom would make me hug this man everytime we saw him at family events, and finally; at my grandmother's funeral - I did not hug him. And apparently he told my mother and was upset - and my mother told me this as if I should feel bad - when meanwhile I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE FAMILY TO STAND UP TO HIM.
I was the only person to ever stand up to him; and my father.
My mother would burp all the time; and it smelled like tuna fish or hot dogs from Grey's Papaya, which was on our corner; and I was so utterly repulsed by how disgusting and vile my family was - how my dad would tell me he engaged in beastiality with his girlfriend Janine who would give a blowjob to my dad and the dog; or how my dad had anal sex with his male cousin when they were teenagers; or how my dad killed a man who was speeding near his car and how he got away with causing this man's death; and how he told me these things when I was a child, as if these things were not shocking or if I were to react, I would somehow be "over-reacting"
WHY WAS I PUT IN THESE SITUATIONS AS IF THEY WERE NORMAL?
I am so utterly enraged and repulsed by my family - they are all cruel and I understand trauma is to blame, but I am just so disgusted by all of it.
I feel so violated by all of them - all of them who never protected me from the brunt of their emotional neglect and abuse; I am so angry at all that I experienced and I am angry that I have spent the last 37 years thinking there was something "WRONG WITH ME" for me to have all these seeming "random" health maladies that all make sense now in the context of trauma.
I am so grateful that God saved me from Hollywood success before I dealt with all of this; and especially now I am so grateful I was saved because Hollywood perpetuates the trauma loop, as can be seen in predictive programming and traumatic imprints/Masonic imagery in Disney movies.
I am so grateful I was chosen by God to heal this but boy, is this a lot more work than being in a cubicle from 9-5. I could not do that kind of work however; which is why I have had all the time for self-inquiry that I did. Believe me, if I could have avoided this path, I probably would have.
***
I am grateful that despite my learnings, the brain is always receptive to change; you CAN teach an old dog new neural tricks... There is no ending for mental, spiritual, sexual, emotional and physical growth, learning, and unlearning.
In order to belong/be protected, must I continue to hide my opinions/emotions/concerns???
In order to be protected, must I continue to prioritize everyone else's comfort over my own???
When I do these, now I would be abandoning myself ; which is way worse than disappointing a random person on Instagram by questioning the pandemic; when now I know that they are in a totally different timeline where they would rather suffer than look at external and internal darkness...
I am grateful to know now that I can protect myself, God can protect me, I have friends who can help me - and that I remember that everthing that happens to me is aiding in me uncovering my unconscious beliefs and trauma and healing it...
***
When I was a child, I remember running around Riverside Park and a puppy was chasing me in the grass and it was the greatest feeling in the world to have a dog follow me. I dreamed of one day having a little black dog who followed me around - and I realize that Goblin was the manifestation of this wish; custom-created for my New York City "no dogs allowed" experience.
"The separate solo self is the lie that we are holding onto" - Dr Dan Siegel
Racism is a sense of belogning; Q Anon is a sense of belonging; Democrat is a sense of belonging; Republican is a sense of belonging; religion is a sense of belonging; Atheism is a sense of belonging; "Pro-Vax" is a sense of belonging; "Anti-Vax" is a sense of belonging;
People risk losing their sense of belonging by changing their belief system as they equate their belief system with their identity, which dictates where they belong.
I am my ancestors wildest dreams and nightmares for speaking up and healing.
***
People drawn to questioning the government are usually people who have had to question other forms of authority figures. People who are drawn to "conspiracy theories" should not be shamed but should be looked to with curiosity as to WHY they feel the way they feel.
You will never persuade a "conspiracy theorist" using shame - you must treat them with kindness and an attempt at open-mindedness and open-heartedness or they will feel even more alientated than they did in the beginning.
For black Americans to assume that the vaccine may be a depopulation agent is based on intuition and studies like the Tuskeegee Studies that harmed many black Americans in the name of "science"
You need to GAIN TRUST with people in order to have them trust you; and considering the fact that black Americans receive some of the worst health care and highest abortion rates (which are encouraged upon them most often, due to poverty and/or well-meaning outreach from Planned Parenthood/etc - who actually sells body parts back to "science", but that's for another time...)
Americans are sicker than ever before so WHY WOULD THEY TRUST DOCTORS/THE GOVERNMENT?
The government has never incentivized people to eat healthfully or made organic food available in inner cities. The term "food desert" is used for areas, usually in minority-populated areas, where no fresh organic food is available in a mile+ radius, so people are more likely to eat processed/junk/GMO food.
Over the last 10 years, the quality of WholeFoods has gone down more and more; and their salad bar now feels like a public school cafeteria lunch, using canola oil and GMO corn.
Meanwhile, the WholeFoods in Malibu is like walking into a beautiful church of health; with beautiful fresh organic produce and a wide variety of health foods.
Is this an indication that the market is following demand? Is WholeFoods offering nicer products because they know Malibu residents will buy it? Or are they doing this as a subtle form of environmental/nutritional racism - by offering only high quality food to high-earning White Americans?
Does the market follow demand? Or is the market intentionally stifled to only offer the majority of people toxic food, to keep them in a lower frequency, so they are less likely to have the same kind of healing journey I have had, which was catalyzed by my access to high quality non processed organic food and unconventional healing modalities NOT covered by health insurance, both of which were only made accessible and possible due to me inheriting money because of my father's untimely death due to Cancer?
Why WOULD anyone trust government-funded programs when there is a history of miseducation and toxicity? The USDA Food Pyramid is atrocious and if I were to follow it, I would feel horribly sick. Yet this is the standard set out for Americans.... Why is this? Is it the power of lobbyists? Or is there a deeper intention to keep people too sick to rise up out of their trauma?
I am honestly still unsure. I really do NOT want to believe that there is a NAA/Demonic force which aims to harm humanity; I WISH it was purely economic, driven by greed (which stems from a fear of poverty) - but it is hard to assume it is just financial incentives when people like Bill Gates have BILLIONS of dollars.
It is hard NOT to think it is something much deeper and sinister.....
This is why censoring "conspiracy theorists" does nothing but amplifies their mistrust of institutions.
How do we turn around from "business as usual" when it comes to environmental degradation?????
It is a small group of people who benefit from devastation;
How can we learn who are the malignant tumors of our planet?
Jeff Bezos left Amazon and is now going to Mars; why is he not using this money to change Amazon so it gives back to communities in a REAL way??????
Why?
Why aren't these people held accountable?
It is trauma which drives people to buy what they don't need;
It is advertising which manipulates humanity to equate consumer goods with happiness
It is product engineers who have tweeked product design to include planned obsolescence which makes products break down over time.
Can we have a refurbish economy where things are fixed instead of thrown away?
Can we have a refurbish romantic societal norm where we fix relationships instead of dumping people upon their first 'conflict'?
Can we teach what is actually important such as financial wellness, food sovereignity, medical sovereignity?
Politicians claim to care about climate change and environmental devastation yet they do NOTHING to make people be self-sufficient....
This is why it is so hard to trust them in their plea that if we listen to them and get injected with their medicines, that we will be healthy.
I am one of the most health conscious people I have ever met and I WOULD NEVER EVER trust any of these politicians - especially when you look at them and they have visible liver toxicity (as shown with protruded bags under the eyes, as seen with Trump, Hillary Clinton, and the senility of Biden)
Do you really think I am going to take advice from people who are visibly sick?
This is illogical to expect.
***
When we see people who are different from ourselves, we often have an automatic trauma response which is always operating until we work to actively dismantle it; otherwise we automatically see "the other" as unsafe. When we have media messaging which portrays black people as gangsters, of course we will perceive them as a threat; unless we actively work to dismantle this type of stereotype - which comes from a primitive part of the brain focused on self-preservation.
We must create positive imagery of all people - and we must create financial and health opportunities for ALL people so they do not fulfill their stereotypes by becoming crime-committers.
This is about ALL races/groups receiving the healing they need.
All of the pharmaceutical companies have NO liability if people get sick.
Can you imagine how illogical it is to trust companies with no legal liability for poisoning you?
Human beings are designed to create magical formulas for their survival, similar to what I did by developing OCD after all of the trauma I endured.
Racism is one of those "all or nothing" magical belief systems that comes from a place of fear more than hatred. Underneath hatred is fear and sadness; and racism/sexism is no exception.
Our autonomic nervous system makes us form patterns in our subconscious mind that come out as a way to protect ourselves.
In Psychology there is a term called the "outward homogeneity effect" where everyone from an out-group (race other than your own) looks exactly the same unless you get to know them.
I admit that this has been true in my life with different races and I admit this because I know that admission is the first step to healing; and equally, I did nothing "wrong" though I will explain as if I did.
When I was a little girl, about the age of 10, I was standing outside my building, waiting for my mother to come downstairs so we could leave our building when a large black man walked past me with his headphones on and a colorful outfit and tons of gold necklaces. I was looking at him with fascination as his music was so loud that I could hear it through the headphones and I just found him to be extremely fascinating. He looked at me, stopped and yelled in my face, "What the fuck you looking at, you ugly kid?"
I stood there stunned and when my mother got downstairs, I told her what happened. She ran down the street looking for a police officer to tell but the man was gone and there was no police officer to be found.
From that moment on, I became terrified of making eye contact with black men for fear that they would yell at me in the same way.
I had a best friend during my childhood who was black named Monroe and I did not even think of her race ever; but when this black man yelled at me, I began to be afraid of black men.
What's interesting is that this same year, I was walking to school and I saw the actor "Rick Moranus" from the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" walking his daughter to school, and I went up to him (my mom let me walk alone to school starting at age 10 which seems unthinkable now)
I politely said "Excuse me, are you Rick Moranus?" and he looked at me and yelled "Can't you see I am walking my daughter to school? Give me some privacy!" and it was so utterly shocking, especially for such a benevelonent "dorky" character like he portrated in his acting roles.
In this case, I did not develop a fear of small white men - but I did develop a fear of large black men.
Why is that?
Actually you know what? I am throwing a wrench in my theory because to be honest, I had become afraid of white men around the age of 3, when I figured out my dad and grandfathers and uncle would yell at me with no explanation.... I was afraid of white men already.
In a way, I was actually the opposite of "racist" as I feared white men before I feared black men.
But the point I was going to make was that I added black men to my "don't trust" pile when the incident happened on the street outside my apartment.
In junior highschool, a boy named Alan had a crush on me and he was half-Asian and wore a large Jade necklace. I remember somehow a black boy outside the school fence asked Alan to pull his necklace through the fence to "show him the details" and when he did this, the boy yanked it and demanded that Alan take off the necklace. I remember the look on Alan's face, which was helpless and I was honestly too frozen in fear to do anything.
I honestly do not know what happened after that but overall it was an extremely scary moment and I was afraid to make eye contact with the black boy outside the fence for fear he would see me and I would become his next target.
Then in highschool, our principal told us on our first week of school that there were gang initiations to join the Bloods (the predominantly black gang of the East Coast) and we were advised "not to make eye contact with anyone who looked *suspicious* and if someone *suspicious* asked us what time it was, to NEVER expose our wrist to look at our watches because this was when they were going to slash our wrists, as they had a certain quota of wrist slashing to do in order to join the Bloods"
As a 14 year old who walked herself to school everyday, you can imagine how terrified I was at this news - and yet somehow I still walked myself to school alone everyday.
No wonder I was completely dissociated. No wonder I was so hypervigilant everyday.
And of course, the elephant in the room is that the principal was essentially saying to never trust black teenagers as they were the potential harm doers.
I remember one day a black boy asking me for the time and I felt so unsure what to do in that moment. I quickly pulled out my sleeve to look at my watch and told him and it felt like time stood still and all the blood rushed out of my body but luckily he did not slash my wrist, but just said "aiight cool"
Then, when I worked at a popular expensive clothing store which catered to a predominantly wealthy female demographic, my boss told me "Keep a look out for any *suspicious* customers" - and by *suspicious* he meant poorly dressed minorities with handbags, who could put stuff in their bags...
One day, 2 black women who had large bags and sunglasses on came into the store and me and the other sales associate tried to casually keep an eye on them without making them uncomfortable. They put clothing in their bag and walked out, stealing over $600 worth of clothing in about 5 minutes and it was extremely scary because I did not want to get in their face or follow them down the street.
People usually steal when they are experiencing poverty or have a stealing addiction; and both of these things are rooted in trauma. I don't fault anyone who steals out of necessity so I am not angry at these women but at the same time, I bring all of these scenarios up to explain where racism can form.
Luckily, the majority of black people I have met have been extremely kind and I have even dated 2 black men (one tried to have unprotected sex with me without my consent until I stopped him, but that is another story for another time - and that behavior is sadly not an action specific to any one race group, as we know from statistics. Ironically, this guy is the main person responsible for outing "Bill Cosby" as a sexual predator when meanwhile he was attempting to have intercourse with me without any sort of discussion)
"Et Tu, Brutus?/Burress?"
I am just feeling anger and disgust about this for the first time and it saddens me that I allowed (but stopped) such disrespect to my body at the hands of men and women.
Of course I would lose my sex drive as a protective mechanism so I did not end up in terrible situations like this again.
Meanwhile this guy is a famous comedian now and has not faced any kind of repercussions to his actions though I am sure I am not the only women who experienced this.
ANYWAY, how annoying that I was finally trusting black men when that experience happened.
In a way, I think he was just in the "heat of the moment" and did not mean to be "rapey" but still, it was completely sudden and disturbing though I am grateful that he stopped his actions when I said something.
Had I been more traumatized, I could have gone into "freeze" mode which many people do who are victims of sexual abuse/assault, which is a confusing situation for men, who are oblivious and in such a sexual frenzy that they may not even notice when a woman has dissociated from the experience.
I remember the only reason I majored in Psychology was because we learned about a case where a woman had multiple personalities and would proposition men to have sex with her in a supermarket parking lot for money , and then sue them, claiming that she went into her child alter during intercourse, and claimed that the men were guilty of "child abuse" - one of her alter personalities was a lobster and she brought the lobster persona out in the courtroom as a "witness" - Apparently this court case was such a fascinating experience that people lined up to be in the jury.
I am researching this case and not finding anything on the internet now.
I remember being so fascinated with this case that I decided to major in Psychology instead of Environmental Studies and make Environmental Studies my minor instead (but then because I refused to re-take Chemistry and Biology at Oberlin, since my credits didn't transfer from Binghamton) I don't even know if I technically got a Minor in Environmental Studies - though I did take as many classes as possible in it.
Nothing I learned in Psychology was the least bit helpful or applicable and I went to one of the best colleges in the country, Oberlin College. Nobody taught us anything about nutrition, as we crammed our faces with Dr. Pepper soda and cookies to study for our neuroscience exams. Nobody taught us anything REAL or USEFUL and this is clearly the norm, and it is so hard not to think it is intentional.
“I don’t want a nation of thinkers, I want a nation of workers.” – John D Rockefeller
“In our dream we have limitless resources, and the people yield themselves with perfect docility to our molding hand. The present educational conventions fade from our minds; and, unhampered by tradition, we work our own good will upon a grateful and responsive rural folk. We shall not try to make these people or any of their children into philosophers or men of learning or of science. We are not to raise up among them authors, orators, poets, or men of letters. We shall not search for embryo great artists, painters, musicians. Nor will we cherish even the humbler ambition to raise up from among them lawyers, doctors, preachers, statesmen, of whom we now have ample supply.” – Frederick T Gates
***
Everything that I have done to heal my health has been considered quackery - everything I have learned is NOTHING that I learned in school; which is why a meritocracy does not truly exist; because it is money which gives people certain access to certain information and healing modalities.
The sad thing is that when you imprison humanity like leaders are doing, you are also imprisoning yourself to a life of being on guard/paranoia/surveillance of those who you deem inferior.
The same 'fear of losing control' that I felt my whole life prior to having control forced out of me with the help of unknowingly injecting THC in 2017 which changed my life forever, is the same "fear of control" that our traumatized "leaders"/authorities" experience and view as unstable anarchy.
They fear that if people were to govern themselves, that those authority figures would lose power and then they would then become unsafe.
Whether you are controlling your emotions or entire populations using force, you are going to have long term problems.
The only way to avoid these problems is to have tools to let your emotions "run wild" and let people "run wild" - you have to know how to help emotions regulate themselves and help people 'regulate' themselves.
People have been entirely dependent on a top-down rulership system/mindset where if you were to 'let people out of their cages', they wouldn't even know what to do with themselves.
However, if you encourage people with tools on how to grow their own food, build their own house, treat themselves medicinally with herbs they can grow on their land, educate their children with helpful information which aids the child, the family and the surrounding community - THEN you can 'lose control'
When slavery happens, NOBODY WINS.
This goes for even 'legal' slavery such as having women from impoverished countries coming to America to take care of upper class white elderly people/children while leaving their own families; you will NEVER be given the type of unconditional love that your own family members would give you if you were to work directly with them rather than using the monetary system, ripe with poverty and an inflated USD/AU/British pound which makes every other country have to work under these white people (which somehow all of the world just accepts somehow, like an Emperor's New Clothes type of situation)
When you get a massage or manicure from an overworked Asian woman who sleeps in a room with bunkbeds containing her family and co-workers, are you REALLY going to feel pampered? How many white women are paranoid that their Asian manicurist is talking about them? Is it really "luxurious" to have a manicure and massage and housecleaner who you KNOW are only there for monetary purposes and would leave you and your family in a heartbeat if they won the lottery?
This is exactly the unspoken toxic power dynamics we have all come to accept as normal but equally which are not nourishing for anyone in the long term...
A girl who used to bully me at summercamp posted an extremely offensive funny meme on her Facebook about how she "can't wait til the pandemic ends so she can go get a manicure and hear the familiar *peeek a culah* expression (from her stereotypically portrayed Asian manicurist)
When I saw this, I was shocked at how anyone could post something like this in a such a cancel-culture-trigger-happy society we live in; but I equally was also laughing because I thought of all the times where, when I still got manicures (before I learned how toxic the fumes are from nail polish and how my Empath nature could not ignore the sadness of the women giving me a manicure)
I have only had 3 manicures in the last 6 years. Once was in Bali where I tipped the woman $20 even though the manicure was like $6. Once in Los Angeles where I wore a face mask (2 years before the pandemic) because of the toxic fumes; and once during the pandemic where my friend's manicurist came to her house and spoke perfect English and we discussed the importance of having encouraging teachers while growing up.
When I think about all my conversations with my dad, he would just stare off into space and never encourage me or congratulate me or laugh at my jokes; it felt like I was talking to a wall - yet he would seem to be able to repeat everything I said as if he was listening intently. I figured out in my 30s that he DID listen to everything; he just did not have a facial response to things - similar to my mother.
The both had blunted facial affect, likely due to them both experiencing horrible trauma. The only facial expression either of them made consistently was one of disgust or what Pete Walker refers to as "the look" which signifies disgust or contempt.
If an adult male or female does not smile at me, I go into slight panic as if they are holding back rage at me, similar to how I felt with my parents - never being able to tell what their moods were unless they were intensely positive or negative to the point that it was glaringly obvious.
The only time I could make my parents smile was by being a little people pleaser and listening to their problems or hiding my feelings.
I remember being a child and doing a funny baby voice and my dad said "Stop doing that stupid voice"
That is pretty much the only "comedic encouragement" I had from my dad.
I remember being around 3 years old and my mother taking me to the famous IMPROV comedy club in NYC where my dad was performing and me yelling from the back of the theater, "You are not funny. Sit down. You are not funny!" - Of course, when a 3 year old yells this, everyone laughs and I felt so excited to finally be laughed at. Deep down I feel my father always resented me for this feeling of humiliation he must have felt, as it was clear by looking into his eyes that he was extremely embarassed and angry with me.
I feel like both my parents hated when I was a performer, despite the fact that they financially paid for me to take standup comedy and improv classes (all of which were taught by instructors who I equally felt were jealous of me - except one very nice standup instructor named Mr. Vitale who was very nice)
Vitale is coincidentally the last name of the janitor who I lost my virginity to when I was in college; I was attracted to him as he was passionate about the environment, never bathed, had a compost in his room and went dumpster diving. This is exactly how George is (minus the compost bin) - though George is more extreme as he sleeps in a cave or the beach almost every night.
I am attracted to people who are physically unaware of themselves and I think this makes sense for how dissociated I was from my body.
I just washed my car by-hand for the first time in weeks and it was such a satisfying experience.
I honestly think that if more Middle and Upper class people did their own physical labor such as washing their own cars, cooking their own food, mowing their own lawn, pruning their own trees, fixing their own electronics - they would feel a lot more life satisfaction.
I believe that when people live in such a state where only their mind is valued and not their body, they lose sight of their physical abilities, and equally, they often times lack the tangible "proof" of a job well done, since emails to your boss do not have the same sense of satisfaction as seeing layers of dust and dirt come off to reveal a shiny clean car.
**
I went through a period where I got heavily obsessed with reading channelled information from spiritual women on their Instagram page but I came to the conclusion that we are all receiving information which is accurate for our exact timeline and it is best I do not take anyone's channelled information as 'the truth' as I have different needs - and honestly, it always leaves me in a state of panic over spiritual warfare - and I know my own ways to transmute this which seems to be perfectly curated for me.
I do not want to cross wires between my channel and other peoples' by taking their information as gospel because I know I have a unique mission on this planet and that everyone else does too - and equally, I believe that everyone has the ability to channel/listen to their intuition/connect with God.
The one very interesting thing I did learn while reading other women's perspectives is the argument that it is best to pray to God and not pray to the Universe, as the Universe is a creation of God - and the Universe includes all sorts of angels and fallen angels, so when you use the Law of Attraction to pray to the Universe, it is possible that you will get your "wishes granted" - but that it might not be in line with what God wants for you.
In 2016 when I discovered The Law of Attraction, I manifested ALL MY DREAMS TO COME TRUE - but they were mostly predicated on my dad dying from cancer and me inheriting his finances. It was like when you hear of all the celebrities who 'sell their soul to the Devil' and become massively famous but in exchange, their mother or father mysteriously dies, which is what happened to Kanye and a handful of other well-known stars
God and I wrote a song about stars and planets and I am genuinely so excited to make my first song.
When I think of that, I feel a burst of excitement and fear - and I know that means I am on the right track as I am breaking new ground, and it is for the upliftment of my creative expression and anyone who hears my song.
"It's time to sing my song"
